Greetings, fellow conservatives!

[John Scopes]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

Sir, descended from apes is the more accurate term for modern humans.

I have every reason to hope you are indeed evolved, however occasionally nature does experiment with a failed aberration or two.

SCOPES!! You dear suggest that True Christians™ are descended from darkies?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

Welcome to God's favorite forum.

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[John Creeser]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

Factually speaking we are all descended from what is known as the African continent.

SCOPES!! You dear suggest that True Christians(tm) are descended from darkies? Last time I looked in the mirror my skin was as white as the belly of a trout - just like Jesus!! In case you haven't noticed the spear chuckers of africa are all BLACK!!

You take that back right now!!

[John Creeser]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

EDIT: I realized that I wrote "white European" above, which is technically incorrect, so I fixed it. Although my lineage is descended from Europe, I am 100% American. I did not mean to imply that I approve of those anti-American sissies from Europe.

Understandable friend - in your excitement to be amongst True Christians(tm) you made an error. This happens more than you think.

However, I'm a bit concerned you're that old and have not produced any soldiers for Christ. Perhaps you should consider (once you've passed the DoF's investigation and earn the privilege of becoming a forum member) checking out our forum area for single Christians. Time is a wasting!!

[John Scopes]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

Factually speaking we are all descended from what is known as the African continent.

For your elucidation I include a photograph of the typical fundamentalist christian family. They may indeed be of white European/American extraction like yourself.

I am 100% white European, just like all of God's people.

[Brother Jimmy]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

It feels wonderful to have the steaming, hot love of God inside my cold, empty soul. It gives me a sensual feeling like no other.

Unfortunately, Brother Redeemed, I have not yet found a Christian woman who suits my needs as a husband. As I stated above, there are no other True Christians™ in San Franciso, and I am unwilling to break the rules of God by marrying outside of the True Christian™ community. However, I am proud to be a single virgin at 32, as I know that this is all part of God's divine plan for stable families.



Most of the time I use an AK-47, but it depends on my mood and whether I'm hunting animals or liberals.



What are you, some kind of queer or something?



I am 100% white AMERICAN, just like all of God's people.

EDIT: I realized that I wrote "white European" above, which is technically incorrect, so I fixed it. Although my lineage is descended from Europe, I am 100% American. I did not mean to imply that I approve of those anti-American sissies from Europe.

[Brother Jimmy]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

So tell us: what does it feel like for you when you feel your soul filled to bursting with the love of Jesus. How does it feel if you kneel in prayer and He enters you?

How many young pups have you sired for God? How obedient is your wife and what pie does she bake for you?

It feels wonderful to have the steaming, hot love of God inside my cold, empty soul. It gives me a sensual feeling like no other.

Unfortunately, Brother Redeemed, I have not yet found a Christian woman who suits my needs as a husband. As I stated above, there are no other True Christians™ in San Franciso, and I am unwilling to break the rules of God by marrying outside of the True Christian™ community. However, I am proud to be a single virgin at 32, as I know that this is all part of God's divine plan for stable families.

So tell us, do you hunt with a bow, rifle or handgun?

Most of the time I use an AK-47, but it depends on my mood and whether I'm hunting animals or liberals.

In spite of your somewhat recessive viewpoints

What are you, some kind of queer or something?

What is your genetic lineage like?

I am 100% white European, just like all of God's people.

[John Scopes]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

In spite of your somewhat recessive viewpoints you do indeed seem on the surface at least to have more oxygen flow to your brain than many here.

What is your genetic lineage like? Have you produced any male offspring or only female?

[John Creeser]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

Now there is proper introduction. Welcome to our friendly forum!!

Sorry to hear you live in Sin Francisco, that can't be easy.

So tell us, do you hunt with a bow, rifle or handgun?

Yours in Christ,

John

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Greetings, fellow conservatives!

It's so good to see a new person that isn't some whining hippie fluffy bunny so-called Christian or some pimply teenage atheist on a rant-fest.

And what a stonking good piece of scripture you picked.

So tell us: what does it feel like for you when you feel your soul filled to bursting with the love of Jesus. How does it feel if you kneel in prayer and He enters you?

How many young pups have you sired for God? How obedient is your wife and what pie does she bake for you?

[Brother Jimmy]

My name is Brother Jimmy, and I'm so glad I found a forum for True Christians™. My parents raised me to be a patriotic, God-fearing, King James Bible-reading conservative, but I live in the sinful city of San Francisco where I'm surrounded by liberals, New Agers, athiests, and all other kinds of Satanism. Believe it or not, I haven't met one Christian in this entire city other than the loving conservative family who raised me. It's a sinful, horrible place. The only "Christians" I can find support sodomy and use the New International Version "Bible" in their services! I can't believe that they would claim the name of the Lord Jesus Christ while pursuing such atrocities!

Of course, I spend much of my time trying to witness to these poor souls, but they are angry, ungrateful, and unrepentant. One day I'll laugh at their souls descending into the depths of a firey Hell, but I'll just witness to them in the meantime.

That's why I'm so glad that I've found a Bible-fearing online community. I will finally be able to share my experiences in this sinful city as well as fellowship with other Bible-believing True Christians™ from around the USA! (If you don't live here, you're probably unsaved trash, even if you use this forum.) All the heretics around here do is party and drive around in their heathenistic hybrid convertables. This is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in years!

I have started a homechurch with my family and my cousins next door (the only True Christians™ I know in this modern Sodomite horror story) and we hold services every Sunday morning from 6 AM to 4 PM (the best part about starting a church at home is getting to set your own hours!) where we sing songs about our love for Jesus Christ and educate ourselves in a completely unbiased manner on the dangers of the evil, liberal, devil-worshipping society that we live in.

My favorite Bible verse is Luke 12:51, in which Jesus states, "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division." This is my favorite because many liberals tend to portray Jesus as a namby-pamby, peace-mongering hippie, when in fact he came to deliver the divine wrath of God.

Coming to know Jesus was the hugest decision of my life, of course. Even a two year-old realizes the significance of being saved from eternal Hellfire and accepted into the warm bosom of the Lord. My parents raised me to be a conservative, and not even this liberal hellhole, with its godless scientists and so-called intellectuals, can take that away from me.