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  • #1

    Hi everyone!

    Hi my name is Jamie Caldera and I am a devoted Christian! I love sunshine, baking cookies, and going to church. When my mother was dying, she told me that Jesus loves me and her and that we all will live happily in heaven in the afterlife. That's how I found Jesus. It was like he was telling me "You've found me, now live your life and follow my commands, and everything will work out the way I have planned it for you Jamie."

    It really brightened up my life. I began going to church and enjoying all the parts of life God intended for me to enjoy! I love Jesus now and I obey his every command. I know that my father will raise me to be a wonderful Christian woman one day because of my choice to become Christian (the greatest religion!)

    My favorite Bible verse, (hmm this is a hard one, there's so many great ones!) is:

    Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
    Psalm 37:4

    And the church I go to is absolutely amazing. It's called Total Destiny Fellowship.

    And that's about it! I can't wait to meet everybody!

    And yes, my father has given me permission to post this.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Hi everyone!

    Why did Christ kill your mother? Was she a whorish slut?? Are you a whorish slut like your mother?

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Hi everyone!

      You go to Pastor James' Church in Biloxi? That's great! He and I were roomies once at a Pastor's retreat in Tahiti. Ask him about it sometime.

      If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

      If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

      You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

      Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
      Who Will Jesus Damn?

      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Hi everyone!

        Welcome, Jamie! It's always nice to meet a fresh-faced young lady who loves the Lord!

        I'm a little concerned about the following turn of phrase, however:


        Originally posted by Jamie Caldera View Post
        ...Christian (the greatest religion!)

        Your word choice seems to imply that Christianity exists on some kind of spectrum, as if other religions might be almost as good. This is NOT the case!

        You are either going to Hell or you aren't. Anybody who tells you that Buddhism, for example, is 75% as good as Christianity is asking you to believe a dangerous premise, one that can be deconstructed with very simple logic.

        Think about it for a minute: If Buddhism is 75% as good as Christianity, does that mean it will keep 75% of you out of Hell?

        Utter nonsense! If just one tenth of one percent of you is exposed to everlasting hellfire, I guarantee the remaining ninety nine and nine tenths percent of you is going to be in a world of hurt!

        God does not grade your salvation on any kind of a curve: This is a pass/fail proposition, my friend.
        WARNING:
        In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
        REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Hi everyone!

          Hi everyone! This is me Jamie----but somehow I got locked out of my other account. Do I need to make another introduction thread or do I just leave this one? I'm utterly confused using this computer (I haven't got much practice on this gadget!) and I'm simple minded (we all know why that is so!) so please forgive me for the use of another account.

          Yours with love,
          Jamie L. Caldera

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Hi everyone!

            Why is your father still responsible for you? You appear to be biologically capable of producing Future Soldiers for Christ©, so you need to get with the program (Gen. 1:28). Get married and get cracking.

            Every 4 weeks you are flushing half a person right down the toilet: are you TRYING to make Jesus cry???



            Yours in Christ,

            Z. Smyth
            sigpic

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Hi everyone!

              Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
              You go to Pastor James' Church in Biloxi? That's great! He and I were roomies once at a Pastor's retreat in Tahiti. Ask him about it sometime.

              If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

              If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

              You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

              Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
              Originally posted by JamieLCaldera View Post
              Hi everyone! This is me Jamie----but somehow I got locked out of my other account. Do I need to make another introduction thread or do I just leave this one? I'm utterly confused using this computer (I haven't got much practice on this gadget!) and I'm simple minded (we all know why that is so!) so please forgive me for the use of another account.

              Yours with love,
              Jamie L. Caldera
              Please answer the questions I posed above.
              Who Will Jesus Damn?

              Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

              Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

              Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Hi everyone!

                Originally posted by JamieLCaldera View Post
                Hi everyone! This is me Jamie----but somehow I got locked out of my other account. Do I need to make another introduction thread
                Maybe, maybe not. You will definitely have to go thru the initiation ritual with the Pastors and all True Christians once again. This is only to confirm positively your identity.

                Christ hates liars.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Hi everyone!

                  Okay well Zechariah, I haven't started "that time of the month" yet. I am a late bloomer. I don't want to make Jesus cry, but I don't know what to do. It just won't start!

                  And, yes I do go to his church! I will ask him about it some time! He truly is marvelous.

                  I know that Christ hates liars, I would never lie, especially not to everyone here. I am who I say I am and I was struggling to retrieve my password.


                  Thanks you everybody. God bless you all.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Hi everyone!

                    Jamie, it's obvious you need a doctor to take a look at your lady parts ASAP, but this brings to mind a very perplexing challenge:

                    On the one hand, we know God doesn't want women working outside the home, and therefore wouldn't approve of you seeing a girl doctor. On the other hand, there are obvious problems with seeing a male gynecologist.

                    I wonder if the pastors here might be willing to weigh in on this troubling quandary?
                    WARNING:
                    In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                    REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Hi everyone!

                      Have you spent the required month in the menstrual hut??

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Hi everyone!

                        Originally posted by JamieLCaldera View Post
                        Okay well Zechariah, I haven't started "that time of the month" yet. I am a late bloomer. I don't want to make Jesus cry, but I don't know what to do. It just won't start!
                        Dear, have you tried praying?
                        Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Hi everyone!

                          Originally posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
                          Dear, have you tried praying?
                          Jamie - P.U.S.H.!
                          Pray Until Something Happens!
                          "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
                          John 8:32

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Hi everyone!

                            I will begin praying at once. I had no idea that it would be so bad that I would have to visit a doctor. I do not know what to do, I can't see a male or female doctor. I would appreciate some guidance from our cherished pastors.

                            No, I have not spent a month in my menstrual hut. My father and I are confused on what exactly it is and what it does. I would certainly love to have one if it would help. And do you need to have started your "time of the month" in order to spend time in the hut?

                            Also, I appreciate everyone's concern for my well being. I'm so glad that I have you all to help me. I will hope God will understand how I cannot bear to wait for my child making abilities to begin. I need to start making Future Soldiers of Christ!


                            Also, am I allowed to begin posting in the forums? And of course, I would mainly post in the women's forum! I just want to make sure before I post, to avoid any trouble.

                            God bless you all and thank you for all your generous advice and kindness!

                            Love, Jamie L. Caldera

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Hi everyone!

                              Originally posted by JamieLCaldera View Post
                              Also, am I allowed to begin posting in the forums? And of course, I would mainly post in the women's forum! I just want to make sure before I post, to avoid any trouble.
                              Of course, young lady. Post freely, but always make sure it is relevant, on-topic and would make Jesus proud of a mere woman.

                              And welcome to God's favorite forum!

                              In Christ
                              Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."

                              sigpic

                              Comment

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