Hello friends

[Ophelia613]

Hello,
My name is, unfortunately, Ophelia. My heathen literary parents cursed me with this name. One of the many reasons that the will burn in H-ll.
I attend our local Baptist church. It too is filled with people bound for a fiery afterlife. Can you believe not one of them knows the Good Book by heart?
Jesus saved me when I was 10. Our neighbour, the wonderful Pastor Christopher Peacock, introduced me to the glorious love of Jesus. Pastor Chris and I spent many, many hours in his basement letting Jesus touch me with his love. Sometimes he still visits me for private worshipping sessions. My knees and mouth are always so sore afterward from all that praying!
When I was 18 I married a lovely man named Peter. How glad I was the day I changed my name from Upgood to Macrotch; I took great joy in shedding any connection to those Sinners that birthed me.
I couldn't possibly pick just one part of G-d's words as my favourite. Far too difficult to choose.

Praise G-d!
Yours in Faith,
O. Macrotch

P.S. I wanted to but a picture next to my name but Peter tells me I am not allowed to put an 'avatar' on here as it violates the Second Commandment. As always, he knows best. Now, off to put some ice on my eye as I fell into a door whilst writing this.

[ExGay Alex]

Re: Hello friends

Dear Ophelia,

Welcome to our Godly forum. What is your favorite Bible verse?

In Him,

Alex

[Ophelia613]

Re: Hello friends

I find it difficult to choose one, but I am currently embroidering Proverbs 3:5-6 onto a pillow for my Menstrual Hut. I think it's a lovely passage.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Hello friends

I find it difficult to choose one, but I am currently embroidering Proverbs 3:5-6 onto a pillow for my Menstrual Hut. I think it's a lovely passage.

Indeed it is!

My good friend Widow Helen loves to do embroidery as well. She's working on a "Pray for Obama: Psalm 109" pillow right now.

I did notice something disturbing about your name, Ophelia Macrotch.

You know what it is, don't you?



You have the same first name as that vile Ophelia Benson.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello friends

Are you a jewess? What's with the "G-d" nonsense? What denomination are you exactly?

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Ophelia613]

Re: Hello friends

Indeed it is!
I did notice something disturbing about your name, Ophelia Macrotch.

You know what it is, don't you?



You have the same first name as that vile Ophelia Benson.

I can go by my middle name, Eden.

Are you a jewess? What's with the "G-d" nonsense? What denomination are you exactly?

Oh my, no. I am not a dirty jewess. Peter, my husband, says that I am a dirty whore and whores should never utter the name of our Heavenly Father. As he is my better, I daren't disobey. Maybe, as I am of the dumber gender, I have misunderstood. I will ask him.

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: Hello friends

Hello Ophelia! How many sons have you grunted out for Jesus? What are their names?

We want to get to know you!

Yours in Christ,

Z. Smyth

[Ophelia613]

Re: Hello friends

I have no children.
We went to a so-called doctor after I failed to fall pregnant (Peter indulged me on this). The doctor not only said Peter was at fault but then asked him to put his seed into a cup for 'analysis!' I suspect this doctor was a homosexual and wanted my husband's seed for some nefarious deed. Peter, like any true Christian, taught him a lesson. I don't think he'll be asking for any man's seed ever again!!
I know, as a woman, it is my fault I cannot bear my husband's sons. Maybe I will be blessed one day. Until then I content myself to help the children in our Church.

[Professor Bessemer]

Re: Hello friends

I have no children.
We went to a so-called doctor after I failed to fall pregnant (Peter indulged me on this). The doctor not only said Peter was at fault but then asked him to put his seed into a cup for 'analysis!' I suspect this doctor was a homosexual and wanted my husband's seed for some nefarious deed. Peter, like any true Christian, taught him a lesson. I don't think he'll be asking for any man's seed ever again!!
I know, as a woman, it is my fault I cannot bear my husband's sons. Maybe I will be blessed one day. Until then I content myself to help the children in our Church.

Seed theft, do not get me started! It just steams my beans whenever I hear about a Godly man being assaulted in this way by a secular so called doctor! If a man has intact stones, then yes, it is obviously the fault of the wife. Female stones are internal and extremely complicated, as well as disgusting.

Inside every human female is a frightening structure that looks for all the world like an eyeless, satanic rams head with a tube for a mouth. This mass of tissue has baffled True Christian™ Scientheists for centuries, mostly due to the fact that very few of have seen one and remained in the practice of medicine. They are just that disturbing to gaze upon.

The current theory is that the horns of the ram are completely without function and they were put there by God after the Fall to remind all women that they carry the satan-caused curse of Eve inside their very bodies. The tube mouth is of course the cooter and the head itself is, pardon me, called the uterus.

And here is a little known bonus fact! Contrary to popular Christian belief, the monthly flow of blood and dead tissue that oozes out of a woman's hair covered monstrsity during her unclean time does not contain the souls of the dead children her body has killed. These unborn yet damned souls are transferred directly to hell through the woman's anus during the first bowel movement after her curse commences. And now, you know!

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: Hello friends

No children????!?!?!?!

(1 Timothy 2:15) "Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety."



And you don't need to tell ME about the depravities of so-called "doctors" ...when I was getting my separation physical from the military, one of those bastards put his FINGER in my butt.



What has your Pastor said about your cold, barren womb?

YiC,

Zech

[Ophelia613]

Re: Hello friends

Professor Bessemer, thank you for teaching me about my shameful woman parts! I did not know how they worked before. I am glad to have a real Christian scientist explain it to me.

Zechariah Smyth, I am so sorry about your terrible violation! I pray that that man burns in H-ll.
My husband has painted that very verse on the side of my hut, as well as Psalm 128: 3-4.
I asked Pastor Peacock about my failing as a woman and a wife and he told me that he has some very special prayers he will try with me on my next visit. I trust in him to help me fulfill my duties!
My former friend Betty told me I can ask the doctor to help me but it involved a test tube and some unholy abomination.

Pastor Ezekiel, I asked Peter and he told me that writing God is not the same as saying it so I am allowed. He wanted me to apologize for making anyone think I was a jewess and thus defile this pleasant forum.

[Noah Sole]

Re: Hello friends

Professor Bessemer, thank you for teaching me about my shameful woman parts! I did not know how they worked before. I am glad to have a real Christian scientist explain it to me.

Zechariah Smyth, I am so sorry about your terrible violation! I pray that that man burns in H-ll.
My husband has painted that very verse on the side of my hut, as well as Psalm 128: 3-4.
I asked Pastor Peacock about my failing as a woman and a wife and he told me that he has some very special prayers he will try with me on my next visit. I trust in him to help me fulfill my duties!
My former friend Betty told me I can ask the doctor to help me but it involved a test tube and some unholy abomination.

Pastor Ezekiel, I asked Peter and he told me that writing God is not the same as saying it so I am allowed. He wanted me to apologize for making anyone think I was a jewess and thus defile this pleasant forum.

Welcome to God's favourite forum

What have you got against Hull? Do they have a lot of fires there?

All the best

[Ophelia613]

Re: Hello friends

Welcome to God's favourite forum

What have you got against Hull? Do they have a lot of fires there?

All the best

Thank you.
I pulled out my atlas and it says Hull is in that horrible Europe. I wouldn't be surprised if it was alight with the unholy flames of H-ll!
As a good Christian lady, I would never let a profanity pass my lips. Or my fingers, as is the case.

[Noah Sole]

Re: Hello friends

Thank you.
I pulled out my atlas and it says Hull is in that horrible Europe. I wouldn't be surprised if it was alight with the unholy flames of H-ll!
As a good Christian lady, I would never let a profanity pass my lips. Or my fingers, as is the case.

Be brave dear lady, saying Hull is not a profanity. I went there once and they are not that bad.

By the way is that your real name, it seems quite odd (my young son said it was really rude but wouldn't tell me my why).

All the best

[Noah Sole]

Re: Hello friends

Thank you.
I pulled out my atlas and it says Hull is in that horrible Europe. I wouldn't be surprised if it was alight with the unholy flames of H-ll!
As a good Christian lady, I would never let a profanity pass my lips. Or my fingers, as is the case.

By the way Europe is not horrible (except the bits that aren't in England (except the parts of England that are horrible(the Northern bits))).

YIC