Hello Friends

[JakeJohnson]

Hello.

I haven't been going to church since I was a child, but lately I've been felling like something was missing, and I've decided to get more serious about my faith.

I haven't been a very good Christian, so I figured some fellowship with likeminded people might help me out- and here I am. I hope I fit in.

I was raised a Catholic, but I've recently started reading the bible and realized there's nothing about any priests or popes in the bible, and I'm pretty sure that's a false religion now. .

I'm ashamed to admit I don't know much about the bible, Catholics are encouraged to not read it, but my favorite part so far would probably be the creation of the heavenly bodies in Genesis 1, and how that came after the earth. I'm studying chemistry in school, and this chapter shows how what I've been taught for so long was wrong about the origin of the elements.

I'm guessing I'm not really saved, as I can't really trust what those priests told me, so what exactly do I need to do to get right with Jesus?

-Jake

[Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.]

Re: Hello Friends

Dear Jake,

I'm guessing I'm not really saved, as I can't really trust what those priests told me, so what exactly do I need to do to get right with Jesus?

Surprisingly little. All you have to do is study the Bible, obey all it's laws and unconditionally accept Jesus as your personal Savior, Boss, King and Lord. My signature has some more details.

The real question here is of course if you are willing to do these things for Jesus, who died for 3 days for you, or if you continue wasting time on studying chemistry. Your presence here is a clear indisputable sign that God wants to give you a chance to redeem yourself, but it is up to you if you act upon that miraculous sign. If you make the right choice, you will have an eternity in Heaven to look back up upon this day as the most important day of your entire life. If you make the wrong choice you will have an eternity in the fires of Hell to regret spitting in God's face instead of accepting His opened hand.

Yours in Christ,

Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Hello Friends

Hello.

I haven't been going to church since I was a child, but lately I've been felling like something was missing, and I've decided to get more serious about my faith.

I haven't been a very good Christian, so I figured some fellowship with likeminded people might help me out- and here I am. I hope I fit in.

I was raised a Catholic, but I've recently started reading the bible and realized there's nothing about any priests or popes in the bible, and I'm pretty sure that's a false religion now. .

I'm ashamed to admit I don't know much about the bible, Catholics are encouraged to not read it, but my favorite part so far would probably be the creation of the heavenly bodies in Genesis 1, and how that came after the earth. I'm studying chemistry in school, and this chapter shows how what I've been taught for so long was wrong about the origin of the elements.

I'm guessing I'm not really saved, as I can't really trust what those priests told me, so what exactly do I need to do to get right with Jesus?

-Jake

You say that you have not been to church since you were a child: this very worrying.

A child in a Chtolic church.

Let's take a second for that to sink in. I think we all know wht might have happened before you so conveniently stopped attending:

That's right: anal sex. For years you may have covered up the memories that dirty old queer Priest as he prey upon your callow young flesh. I won't go into detail about what he might have done to your pliant cheeks with his pedo priestly penile phallus but I think it is something we all imagine :anger:

Repressed False Memory Syndrome is not to be joked about. You may have suffered abuse at the callous, clutching clergyman's claws AND THERE BE NO EVIDENCE OF IT HAPPENING.

You need Jesus inside you. His sweet blood will salve the possible buttockular pain you have blocked out for years if it happened and you can be free for possible ramifications of sodomy (Leviticus 20:13).

Search you feeling, my son. You know it to be true.

We are here to help you.

Yours in Christ.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Hello Friends

Wow, Brother Laurence, that's disturbing! I guess we can give Jake a free pass on not telling us about the anal sex right off the bat, since he may have been repressing those memories. I just hope he won't lie to us about anything else.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello Friends

Welcome to God's favorite forum. Jesus has called you here for a reason, and I hope you find it.

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Pastor Ed Lowman]

Re: Hello Friends

Hello.

I haven't been going to church since I was a child, but lately I've been felling like something was missing, and I've decided to get more serious about my faith.

I haven't been a very good Christian, so I figured some fellowship with likeminded people might help me out- and here I am. I hope I fit in.

I was raised a Catholic, but I've recently started reading the bible and realized there's nothing about any priests or popes in the bible, and I'm pretty sure that's a false religion now. .

I'm ashamed to admit I don't know much about the bible, Catholics are encouraged to not read it, but my favorite part so far would probably be the creation of the heavenly bodies in Genesis 1, and how that came after the earth. I'm studying chemistry in school, and this chapter shows how what I've been taught for so long was wrong about the origin of the elements.

I'm guessing I'm not really saved, as I can't really trust what those priests told me, so what exactly do I need to do to get right with Jesus?

-Jake

Welcome, Jake.

Jesus has certainly led you here and we hope you are fertile soil (Matthew 13:1-18) for your own (and Jesus') sake.

Chemistry - like astronomy, paleontology, geology, and all other non-True Christian™ branches of science - are of Satan (I Timothy 6:20-21) and lead only to pill-popping orgies and heroin-induced hallucinations. It's not a pretty picture, not in the least. Take your chemistry set and books and burn them immediately (See Acts 19:19). Your soul is not worth the risk, son!

There are lots of good resources on this holy board. I trust you'll use them (see 2 Timothy 2:15).

Yours in Him,

Pastor Ed

[JakeJohnson]

Re: Hello Friends

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I don't think I was abused, but maybe it is just repressed or a priest drugged me. I actually did go to a church with a child rapist priest for a while- he lasted a few years before dissapearing one day. I don't think he was ever even charged, they just moved him away somewhere. I'm not sure how to know if I was abused or not though, if I can't remember.

I'm a bit concerned about burning my chemistry books and dropping out of school- surely there's some way to study chemistry without rejecting Jesus?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Hello Friends

The only way to know for sure whether you've been raped is to have a Landover pastor or Landover Certified© physician check you for reflexive anal dilation. Please send your contact information to one of our pastors and he'll make sure an exam gets scheduled for you.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello Friends

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I don't think I was abused, but maybe it is just repressed or a priest drugged me. I actually did go to a church with a child rapist priest for a while- he lasted a few years before dissapearing one day. I don't think he was ever even charged, they just moved him away somewhere. I'm not sure how to know if I was abused or not though, if I can't remember.

I'm a bit concerned about burning my chemistry books and dropping out of school- surely there's some way to study chemistry without rejecting Jesus?

Be like Kent Hovind. He is the greatest Creation Scientist in the world!

[JakeJohnson]

Re: Hello Friends

Thank you friends!

I kneeled down yesterday and denounced the Pope and asked Jesus to wash me in his blood. I got a funny feeling, and I'm pretty sure I'm saved now.

I must say that while one of the priests at a church I went to was actually moilesting children (he only lasted a few years and then disapeared after parents complained about the rapes), I don't think I was one of them. I guess he could have repressed my memory, but I don't think so.

Anyways, I'm concerned about giving up chemistry- surely there's a way to promote science in Jesus' name? Besides, I don't know what else I'd do.

Yours in Christ

[Born Again Bob]

Re: Hello Friends

Dear Friend,

Anyways, I'm concerned about giving up chemistry...I don't know what else I'd do.

The church owns several factories in Asia where we could offer you a full-time unpaid permanent internship making quality Larry The Cable Guy merchandise.

Yours in His Exciting Opportunities,
BAB <--- Git R Done!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Hello Friends

Thank you friends!

I kneeled down yesterday and denounced the Pope and asked Jesus to wash me in his blood. I got a funny feeling, and I'm pretty sure I'm saved now.

I must say that while one of the priests at a church I went to was actually moilesting children (he only lasted a few years and then disapeared after parents complained about the rapes), I don't think I was one of them. I guess he could have repressed my memory, but I don't think so.

Anyways, I'm concerned about giving up chemistry- surely there's a way to promote science in Jesus' name? Besides, I don't know what else I'd do.

Yours in Christ

Shout GLORY! I have been praying and praying for you, and I am all choked up to learn my prayers have been answered!

How soon can we schedule your baptism? Depending on where you are, we might be able to get a pastor out to you as early as tomorrow.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Hello Friends

Thank you friends!

I kneeled down yesterday and denounced the Pope and asked Jesus to wash me in his blood. I got a funny feeling, and I'm pretty sure I'm saved now.

I must say that while one of the priests at a church I went to was actually moilesting children (he only lasted a few years and then disapeared after parents complained about the rapes), I don't think I was one of them. I guess he could have repressed my memory, but I don't think so.

Anyways, I'm concerned about giving up chemistry- surely there's a way to promote science in Jesus' name? Besides, I don't know what else I'd do.

Yours in Christ

Well that all sounds well and good and you must be saved now.

WRONG!

Only True Christians(tm) are Saved(r).

What you need to do is to confess EVERY SIN to a Pastor. You can use this very site for your confession. That's why Jesus gave us the internets.

Once a Pastor has reviewed your most deep and immoral behaviour Salvation(tm) will only by seconds away (probably).

No doubt a lot of your repressed false memories will come out in the wash, too.

YIC