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  • #1

    Reformed Godless Heathen

    Let me introduce myself. I'm a former Atheist who seeks to redeem himself by gaining entrance to your sacred church. My liberal Islamofacist parents brainwashed me from birth into accepting the Devil's teachings such as Evolution, the Theory of Relativity and Darwinism. The truth was right in front of me all these years and yet I couldn't see it. I believed in all of these false teachings till the Lord pointed me in the right direction.

    A few days ago I stumbled upon a once godly site that is now filled with lies and slander about your church. The moment I entered the website, I heard the voice of God. He told me that all the truths of life lie in this very place. I went over every article and became enlightened. I learned about the rampant Liberal Socialist Islamofacist bias that is in the mainstream media. I learned that Scientists base Evolution off of their gut feelings and that many Evolutionists are obese as punishment for going against the Lord's teachings. At that moment, I became overwhelmed, finally realizing that their is a god. Although I've become enlightened and have found the way to salvation, I can't help but wonder if I am worthy. All these years I believed in the Devil's teachings of Homosexuality, Liberalism and Atheism.

    Is there still a way for me to be saved despite all of my sins?
    "And every firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb; and if thou wilt not redeem it, then thou shalt break his neck: and all the firstborn of man among thy children shalt thou redeem." (Exodus 13:13)
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  • #2
    Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

    Oh you poor thing! How awful to be abused like that, and from your own parents even!

    Have you said a Sinner's Prayer yet, and confess with your lips that Jesus is LORD?

    If not, you can say whatever the Holy Spirit leads you to say. You might find yourself being led to say something like this:

    Dear Jesus,

    I just come to you lowly and on my knees, seeking Your Holy Forgiveness. I just fully recognize that I shouldn't even be so brazen as to be on my knees, as I am more lowly than a scurrying mealworm that lives on its belly amongst the leaf litter, and the rest of Nature's Garbage. I just confess to you that I'm not worthy of licking the dust off your Holy Sandals, but You still died a Holy Temporary Death for me for low those three long days (or one full day, one half day, and two nights, but who's counting). I just want to thank You for Your Perfect Atonement for the sins You knew I would commit from the very dawn of time. I just want to thank you for becoming God the Son to save me from the Perfect Justice of God the Father, who you are, and yet are separate from. I just want to dedicate my life to You, Jesus, and be Your perfect Slave. In You alone, Jesus, can I be free.

    Amen
    Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

      Of course, friend. God calls us all to repentance.

      For as Jesus tells us, "Lest ye repent, ye shall likewise perish." I am glad you are a good conservative. I am glad you have thrown off the bondage of evil things like homosexuality and liberalism.

      I am so glad you have found Jesus. What is your favorite verse from the Bible? Have you read it yet?
      Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

        Originally posted by nedflandersjr View Post
        Is there still a way for me to be saved despite all of my sins?
        Yes, friend, there is. You can start by telling us your favorite Bible verse.

        Then you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior and be washed clean of sin. Read the Bible, the WHOLE Bible. Do EVERYTHING it says, ALL of the time. (See Matthew 5:19).

        Then you should stop calling yourself Ned Flanders Jr. Definitely repent of that.

        Set up a tithing plan to Landover Baptist Church.

        If you do not deviate from this plan, you may be so lucky as to enter into the narrow gate.
        The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

          Personally, I have my doubts about you, son. Jesus is whispering in my ear that you're here on the orders of your master Beezlebub. Time will tell.

          If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

          If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

          You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

          Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
          Who Will Jesus Damn?

          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

            Welcome to the forum, Ned.

            Originally posted by ned jr View Post
            liberal Islamofacist
            That's the first time I've ever seen those two words together in same sentence, modifying the same noun, no less.

            I can't help but wonder if I am worthy.
            No, you're not worthy. But no one is. Be encouraged. Humility is a good sign that God is working in your life.

            Do you go to church, Ned?
            sigpicMt 21:42, 44 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes . . . ? And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

            Find out what the Bible says about: Fortnite: Battle Royale, asexuality, shaving, psychiatry, chronic fatigue syndrome, babies

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

              Tell me friend, how much of a sacrifice are you willing to make for Jesus?

              You know, He died on the cross for you. Would you do that for Him?
              Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
              Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
              Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
              Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
              Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
              Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

                Originally posted by ned jr View Post
                Let me introduce myself. I'm a former Atheist who seeks to redeem himself by gaining entrance to your sacred church. My liberal Islamofacist parents brainwashed me from birth into accepting the Devil's teachings such as Evolution, the Theory of Relativity and Darwinism. The truth was right in front of me all these years and yet I couldn't see it. I believed in all of these false teachings till the Lord pointed me in the right direction.

                A few days ago I stumbled upon a once godly site that is now filled with lies and slander about your church. The moment I entered the website, I heard the voice of God. He told me that all the truths of life lie in this very place. I went over every article and became enlightened. I learned about the rampant Liberal Socialist Islamofacist bias that is in the mainstream media. I learned that Scientists base Evolution off of their gut feelings and that many Evolutionists are obese as punishment for going against the Lord's teachings. At that moment, I became overwhelmed, finally realizing that their is a god. Although I've become enlightened and have found the way to salvation, I can't help but wonder if I am worthy. All these years I believed in the Devil's teachings of Homosexuality, Liberalism and Atheism.

                Is there still a way for me to be saved despite all of my sins?
                Well Sir, I see that you posted this rambling introduction yesterday, and since that time, some of our best people have taken time out from their busy schedules to welcome you with open arms and answer your questions.

                Yet you have not returned to thank them or benefit from their wisdom.

                I'd really like to think you're serious about getting saved, but I won't be too optimistic about that happening unless we see some more participation from you.

                You didn't sneak of somewhere and get drunk, did you?
                WARNING:
                In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

                  Originally posted by Levi Jones View Post
                  I am so glad you have found Jesus. What is your favorite verse from the Bible? Have you read it yet?
                  Unfortunately, the elitist liberal joos brainwashed me into believing that the Bible was a "hate-filled" holy book, but I've outsmarted the deceitful Jew and I've become enlightened. I've already found my favorite verse!

                  "And every firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb; and if thou wilt not redeem it, then thou shalt break his neck: and all the firstborn of man among thy children shalt thou redeem." (Exodus 13:13)

                  Originally posted by Pim Pendergast View Post
                  That's the first time I've ever seen those two words together in same sentence, modifying the same noun, no less.
                  My apologizes for that error. The liberal loonies that run the education system would rather shove their sick and twisted beliefs down my throat than teach me how to write properly.

                  Originally posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
                  Then you should stop calling yourself Ned Flanders Jr. Definitely repent of that.
                  My apologizes. I was just so excited that I found Salvation that I couldn't even come up with a decent name. I promise that nonsense like this will not happen again.
                  "And every firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb; and if thou wilt not redeem it, then thou shalt break his neck: and all the firstborn of man among thy children shalt thou redeem." (Exodus 13:13)

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Reformed Godless Heathen

                    Do you have any deeper understanding of the adjectives that you're using?

                    Prov 13:16 "Every prudent man dealeth with knowledge: But a fool layeth open his folly."

                    Matt 12:36 "But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgement."
                    Matt 5:17-20 "Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven:..."

                    Comment

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