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  • Bertha Vanacion
    Forum Member
    Forum Member
    • Mar 2013
    • 42
    #1

    Greetings y'all!

    I can't tell you how excited I was to find this holy little spot on the internet! I only had to read a few posts to know that this was just the place for a True believer like me.

    My name is Bertha Vanacion and I hail from Gargling Gulch in East Texas, U.S.A. I attend Gargling Gulch Bible Baptist Church, which I have attended 3 times a week now for over THIRTY years (Praise Him!) It's SO hard to pick a favorite verse from the holy book, but I have to say that I take daily inspiration from Ezekial 23:19. When I'm not greeting my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ at the local Supercenter or on my knees praising, I spend my time saving unborn children from the clutches of our local Planned Parenthood. I also enjoy collecting vintage Tupperware!

    God Bless You, all my new friends!
    XOXOXOXO

    Bertha V.

    sigpic
    Tags: None
    • Mary Etheldreda
      Gushing for Jesus
       
      • Sep 2011
      • 23775
      #2
      Re: Greetings y'all!

      Hello, and welcome to our friendly forums!

      It's nice to meet someone who knows the value of kitchen organization and food storage!
      Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

        Comment

        • Bertha Vanacion
          Forum Member
          Forum Member
          • Mar 2013
          • 42
          #3
          Re: Greetings y'all!

          Sister Mary, thank you for your kind words! I have just finished reading your insightful link on legitimate rape, complete with annotated, government-approved illustrations of our "lady parts", and I have to say that I am very impressed by your intellect. But I'm also worried for your eternal soul! Woman was not meant for wisdom, dear; surely you know that! I will pray for you that you do not get too far down the path of sin that you find yourself in some seedy roadhouse bar licking up spilled beer from the carpet!

          Love,

          Bertha V.
          XOXOXOXO

          Bertha V.

          sigpic

            Comment

            • Mary Etheldreda
              Gushing for Jesus
               
              • Sep 2011
              • 23775
              #4
              Re: Greetings y'all!

              Originally posted by Bertha Vanacion View Post
              Sister Mary, thank you for your kind words! I have just finished reading your insightful link on legitimate rape, complete with annotated, government-approved illustrations of our "lady parts", and I have to say that I am very impressed by your intellect. But I'm also worried for your eternal soul! Woman was not meant for wisdom, dear; surely you know that! I will pray for you that you do not get too far down the path of sin that you find yourself in some seedy roadhouse bar licking up spilled beer from the carpet!

              Love,

              Bertha V.
              Why thank you for the lovely compliment! But please, don't worry about me being too wise. There's not a single novel thought in my head. I simply take information that is already out there and share it here with those who come together for the sole purpose of sharing the Good News that Jesus will condemn to Eternal Torment all who do not sufficiently fear and obey Him!

              \0/
              Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                Comment

                • Didymus Much
                  Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
                  • Jun 2010
                  • 14079
                  #5
                  Re: Greetings y'all!

                  Originally posted by Bertha Vanacion View Post
                  ...I will pray for you that you do not get too far down the path of sin that you find yourself in some seedy roadhouse bar licking up spilled beer from the carpet!...
                  Have you found a straw to be more efficient?

                    Comment

                    • Russell Holbeck
                      True Christian™
                      True Christian™
                      • Dec 2012
                      • 735
                      #6
                      Re: Greetings y'all!

                      Hello Bertha Vanacion.

                      You say that you like Ezekial 23:19 but I think you mean Ezekiel 23:19. If you keep reading you will see the word issue in the next verse which has a different meaning than most people are familiar with. Here is Ezekiel 23:20:

                      For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

                      It means semen.

                      Thank you.

                      Rusty

                      P.S. I could not find Gargling Gulch in the Google. Maybe you mean Agua Dulce.
                      Psalms 116:6 The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me.

                        Comment

                        • Pastor Ezekiel
                          Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                           
                          • Sep 2006
                          • 78556
                          #7
                          Re: Greetings y'all!

                          Welcome, Bertha, to God's favorite forum.

                          If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

                          If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

                          You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

                          Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.
                          Who Will Jesus Damn?

                          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                            Comment

                            • Bertha Vanacion
                              Forum Member
                              Forum Member
                              • Mar 2013
                              • 42
                              #8
                              Re: Greetings y'all!

                              Originally posted by Russell Holbeck View Post
                              Hello Bertha Vanacion.
                              ... and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

                              It means semen.
                              Honeybunch are you sure that's what it means? And here all that time I thought issue was referring to the National Enquierer! Lordy!

                              And it ain't no wonder you couldn't find Gurgling Gulch on Google. It's just the sweetest little old trailer park community right outta Tyler, Texas!Congressman Louis Gohmert is a native son! We're all so proud of him down here, watchin' out for us and protecting our country from those wicked Muslins and Arabs. Go Louis!
                              XOXOXOXO

                              Bertha V.

                              sigpic

                                Comment

                                • Bertha Vanacion
                                  Forum Member
                                  Forum Member
                                  • Mar 2013
                                  • 42
                                  #9
                                  Re: Greetings y'all!

                                  Well hello Pastor Ezekiel! You can come teach me the Bible anytime you want, hon! I'm in need of some individual instruction, and I bet you're just the man to deliver it.

                                  And hon, how much longer am I gonna be labeled as "Unsaved trash" on here? I most certainly know that I am SAVED!

                                  XOXO

                                  B.
                                  XOXOXOXO

                                  Bertha V.

                                  sigpic

                                    Comment

                                    • Didymus Much
                                      Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
                                      • Jun 2010
                                      • 14079
                                      #10
                                      Re: Greetings y'all!

                                      Originally posted by Bertha Vanacion View Post
                                      ...And it ain't no wonder you couldn't find Gurgling Gulch on Google. It's just the sweetest little old trailer park community...
                                      Originally posted by Bertha Vanacion View Post
                                      ...Well hello Pastor Ezekiel! You can come teach me the Bible anytime you want, hon! I'm in need of some individual instruction...
                                      You expect Zeke to go to a TRAILER PARK???!???!

                                        Comment

                                        • Bertha Vanacion
                                          Forum Member
                                          Forum Member
                                          • Mar 2013
                                          • 42
                                          #11
                                          Re: Greetings y'all!

                                          Originally posted by Didymus Much View Post
                                          You expect Zeke to go to a TRAILER PARK???!???!
                                          Oh, you're all too good for my double-wide! I'll have you know that my trailer has aluminum siding, heat, and TWO bathrooms (with running water in BOTH!), thank you very much! And Pastor Zeke is welcome to come witness to me wherever, whenever, and wearing whatever he chooses.

                                          Um, while I'm on the subject, is anyone on here skilled at casting out demons? Yesterday, when I was blow-drying my hair out came a big puff of smoke and I almost caught my hair on fire! I'm sure this was Satan's work, and he sent one of his demons in through the electrical into that Made in China blow dryer to get me! Pray for me!

                                          XOXO

                                          B.
                                          XOXOXOXO

                                          Bertha V.

                                          sigpic

                                            Comment

                                            • Faith_Machine
                                              Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                                              True Christian™
                                              • Mar 2011
                                              • 10050
                                              #12
                                              Re: Greetings y'all!

                                              Hi Bertha. Is that really you in that picture? The only reason I ask is that every Bertha I've ever known has been a really fat black lady.
                                              WARNING:
                                              In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                                              REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                                                Comment

                                                • Bertha Vanacion
                                                  Forum Member
                                                  Forum Member
                                                  • Mar 2013
                                                  • 42
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: Greetings y'all!

                                                  Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                                                  Hi Bertha. Is that really you in that picture? The only reason I ask is that every Bertha I've ever known has been a really fat black lady.
                                                  How dare you, Sir! To insult a lady in such a way is unforgivible! I only hope -- for your sake -- that the lovely people who run this site won't ban you forever for such a foul insult. And I'll have you know that, of the three other ladies I know named Bertha, only two of them are large negresses ... the other one is a fat white lady from Louisiana (aka Satan's Sewer System)
                                                  XOXOXOXO

                                                  Bertha V.

                                                  sigpic

                                                    Comment

                                                    • Brother Harold Porter
                                                      Landover Senior Outreach
                                                      Touching Men, Women and Children with the Good News!
                                                      True Christian™
                                                      • Jun 2010
                                                      • 8236
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: Greetings y'all!

                                                      Originally posted by Bertha Vanacion View Post
                                                      How dare you, Sir! To insult a lady in such a way is unforgivible! I only hope -- for your sake -- that the lovely people who run this site won't ban you forever for such a foul insult. And I'll have you know that, of the three other ladies I know named Bertha, only two of them are large negresses ... the other one is a fat white lady from Louisiana (aka Satan's Sewer System)
                                                      I was tempted to infract you for questioning the character and integrity of Brother Faith Machine, a True Christian™ and close friend. But after prayer, Jesus tells me that if you love Him, you will apologize forthright.

                                                      Remember your place when addressing your betters, young lady.

                                                      In Christ
                                                      Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."

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                                                        Comment

                                                        • Alexandria Puckett
                                                          Forum Member
                                                          Forum Member
                                                          • Mar 2013
                                                          • 256
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: Greetings y'all!

                                                          Hi, there Mrs. Bertha! How are you? It's nice to see another lovely lady from the great state of Texas! Maybe you and I can BBQ some time!
                                                          YIC!

                                                          --Dria
                                                          But he answered and said, it is not right to take the children's bread and cast it to the dogs. (Matthew 15:26)

                                                            Comment

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