not really a n00b

[Brother V]

Sorry BIC's and SIC's I've been away from the forums for a while.

I was deep undercover, working with the members of Testimony Improvement Through Sinning (or TITS) group. I must say, during my time there I was looking at a lot of TITS. We had some younger members, or "underage TITS", that I helped quite a bit.

Now that I'm back, and have been re-de-re-programmed, I can talk of some of my experiences without all those dreams of the temptresses again. I've got most of it out, but still have some flashbacks.

My style, from what you were accustomed to, may have changed a bit, but I assure you, I'm still the loveable (Matthew 22:39), hate-able (John 15:9) Brother V, that used to be here.

I did a lot of work with BASH, oh, there's a lot of them Homers out there! But also worked with some Ned's as well.

If, anyone has any questions, I'm still somewhat fluent in "gay speak", and can work my way around a bar (but this time while trying to convert, instead of helping our brethern and sistern in testimony improvement).

Do I miss the lifestyle of hanging with the gays, queers, homers, ... no, no I don't. Do I miss the strippers, belly dancers, prostitutes, lonely next door neighbor ladies... no, no I don't. Do I miss the alcohol, the drugs, the sugared candies, the beer, the alcohol, the drugs, the beer... no, no I don't. Not anymore.

So, again, if you need some help with testimony, or to get back on the straight and narrow, I am here to help.

YIC
V

[Jedediah]

Re: not really a n00b

Praise and glory. I lift up my voice in thanksgiving that you are back to fellowship with us. Now we will all be able to fill the Jesus-shaped holes in all our hearts that much easier.

Matthew 18:20
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: not really a n00b

As you all know, I have Prayed (off and on) for lo these many years to bring our Brother V back to the flock. And now that Jesus has showed him the way home, I'd like to point out that he still owes me a 6 pack of fine, top-quality beer. I don't take kindly to men who welch on a bet brotherly agreement, and I'm sure that Brother V isn't that type. Fuggetaboutit...

Then of course there is the little matter of 3 years worth of tithes to make up for.

[Wide-Open]

Re: not really a n00b

Hello Brother V., I suppose I should be glad you are back - it was Jesus' decision after all - but I have to admit I'm pretty darn furious about being STUCK ON DAY 288 SINCE 2012 of your Bible in a Year program.

I, eh, obviously already know, fully understand, and breathe the KJV inside out, but your take on it, eh, kinda, eh, helped to make even more sense out of it.

The Bible in a Year project apparently became more of a Bible in a Decade project that way, and although I surely appreciate the work Brother Levi has done in your absence - I'm sure those years spent with sinners must have been hard on you -, I really want my money back. After all, it did cost me over half of my monthly stipend (when and if that comes, but I know that Pastor Zeke has been working on that little admin problem since, eh, 2007 )

So a hesitant welcome back, Brother Virgil.

[Esther B.]

Re: not really a n00b

Welcome back!

[Brother V]

Re: not really a n00b

So, the last two projects I was involved in, included an attempt at a recreation of the Cross and the Switchblade. Or as we called it, "the Nicky Cruz Experience". (the other will follow)

We took two young christians, who were born and raised in the church, and gave them some kick ass future testimony.

First, the boy. We couldn't really put him into a gang (in the Warriors mode) as that type of gang doesn't exist anymore. No gangs (street gangs/ bloods/crips) fight in parks after dark anymore. Instead we had to get creative. So, I was placed deep undercover into a Motorcycle gang (sort of Sons of Anarchy-ish). (I can't name them here, due to security issues). I had to infiltrate this club, gain their trust, and then I managed to get our future arena/stadium talker into the gang.

It was not easy for me. First, I had to learn how to ride a "hog". Which wasn't easy, coming from my only previous riding experiences on a schwin, and then a honda ruckus. But I managed to ride and not be a skin donor. Then, I had to learn how to drink. So, I went whole-heartedly into the endeavor. I drank beer until I threw up, then drank some more. Then i drank tequila till i threw up, then drank some more. Then I drank whiskey till i threw up, then drank some more. (the biker scene doesn't really drink vodka or gin).

I had to do some dabbling in the drugs as well. The progression of drugs usually follows: cigarettes, the marijuana, coke, crack, meth, then heroin. I had to try them all. I've discovered that i'm really wreckless on a bike while on meth... but that's another story. Meth seems to be the drug that the bikers respect the most... You can get a lot done on meth... dear lord i miss meth...

After my crash course in learning to ride, drink and do drugs, I went back to my army training for guns and other weapons. Then started hanging out at biker bars. My drinking and womanizing skills were very impressive to one of the clubs, so they let me ride with them. First I was a "hanger on", then they made me do all sorts of stupid things during my "prospect" phase. Those boys can drink a lot of beer. They also like the drugs. Thankfully, with my Landover credit cards, I didn't have to steal anything to provide, I just put it on the card (thank you Jesus). Well, I made it through the prospect, and got my "patch". What a great day for Jesus.

From that point, turning a fine young christian boy into the kind of man who could fill an arena with his testimony (when we put him on the book tour) of debauchery, womanizing, drug use, and wanton disregard for the law (both man and God's) was easy.

I can't mention his name yet, but soon, you'll be hearing from him.

He will be touring with the fine young lady that we gave the "Joni experience". It will be a while before she's ready to go out though, as she's still learning how to paint with her mouth. The current girl (we'll call her "lisa") fared much better than the 3 previous attempts at severing her spine. Joni set the standard though, and it's hard to re-create the "diving into the murky water and snapping the neck" scenario. We tried the diving, and a car wreck, but thankfully, through the grace of God, we somehow managed to get both the Nicky Cruz and the Joni experiences together. While she was out for a "random" stroll, he managed to ride over her neck with his bike, severing her spine. She's confined to a wheelchair now, praise Jesus.

After finishing her hospitalization and therapy, she can't feel below her chin. Those two kids fell in love (she can't get away from him, she loves him so much). And they'll be packing the stadiums before you know it. He still has to wipe her butt when she uncontrollably poops, but it's love.

The "accident" provided his impetus to leave the club, and provided her with the wealth of experience that only a cripple or retard can have.

So, look for them on the tour bus soon. (I'll share some other stories soon)

YIC
V

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: not really a n00b

Brother V,
What a wonderful experience you must have had all in the name of the Lord!
Many a Wednesday night, after mid week service, a group of us would be raising a glass of Bushmills your name would come up. Thinking back on those nights I am happy to say many were wrong when they said that the next time we would see you, you would be wearing some of that U.S. government ankle jewelry. That said no one has seen you around the swimming pool at the community center....

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: not really a n00b

Welcome back Brother V, I have always enjoyed your fellowship. But I am afraid the situation still hasn't changed that was caused your all your frustration before about getting the funding for that surgery.

[Wide-Open]

Re: not really a n00b

Welcome back Brother V, I have always enjoyed your fellowship. But I am afraid the situation still hasn't changed that was caused your all your frustration before about getting the funding for that surgery.

Brother, do you mean he still sports that humongous... eh ... monster... eh... attachment?

No wonder he still refuses to show himself at the swimming pool. On the other hand, surely he must be weary of a Deuteronomy 23:1 - even a partial one.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: not really a n00b

Brother, do you mean he still sports that humongous... eh ... monster... eh... attachment?

Sad but true, Brother V is indeed a martyr for Christ. While I do feel for Brother V, but he does take his tribulation quite well. Something sinners should take note of; you will never be half the man (in Christ) Brother V is.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: not really a n00b

Hello there Brother V, I must admit I'm a mite confused by your introduction. You seem to be saying you took a break from God's favorite church? And you've had some... temptations? Underage... temptations?

This is most concerning, my brother in Christ. I think we'd better sit down and talk about this.

Please send me a PM as soon as you see this.

[Mother Of Seven]

Re: not really a n00b

Welcome back, Brother V
Your Bible in a Year threads are a constant source of inspiration to me.

[Brother V]

Re: not really a n00b

Hello there Brother V, I must admit I'm a mite confused by your introduction. You seem to be saying you took a break from God's favorite church? And you've had some... temptations? Underage... temptations?

This is most concerning, my brother in Christ. I think we'd better sit down and talk about this.

Please send me a PM as soon as you see this.

There were no temptations, I was helping do the LORD's Work (tm). It seems that modern Americans, aren't interested in hearing the story of the LORD from someone who was born a True Christian (tm), raised a True Christian (tm), and became an adult True Christian (tm). People today want to hear about how someone was at the lowest of lows, then how Jesus built them back up to a productive member of society, and how they love Jesus and through Jesus love they overcame whatever it was.

Do you know the joy of taking a young person, giving them their first joint, watching them snort their first line of coke, then having to give head to strangers in a back alley for crack money? Just so that in the future, they will have a better testimony?

Do you know the joy of leading a young youth to a gay bar, setting him up at his first "glory hole" and watching him blow total strangers, just so he can have a "life experience" that is worth sharing in front of a congregation?

Not everyone is a success story, some people aren't willing to go "all the way" for the LORD. Sure, there were failures, and I have made amends for that, but the program is a success.

When people come from stable homes, they sometimes don't get the same kind of following as those who've overcome adversity.

Take these two successful female "preachers": Paula White, her parents divorced at 5, her dad killed himself, she was "cared for" by adults who sexually molested her from 6-13; Joyce Meyer, sexually abused by her father, married had a kid and abandoned by her ex husband...

These are the kind of things we are trying to recreate. Just know, that the next time you hear a preacher's story about how they were down in the dumps, doing all kinds of drugs... I might have had a hand in improving that person's testimony.

YIC
V

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: not really a n00b

Take these two successful female "preachers": Paula White, her parents divorced at 5, her dad killed himself, she was "cared for" by adults who sexually molested her from 6-13; Joyce Meyer, sexually abused by her father, married had a kid and abandoned by her ex husband...

YIC
V

Powerful witnessing Brother V. Those working towards a ministry do need help and there are not many people willing (or equipped) to do what Brother V can do.

And as a side note Brother V, yes I am available for that Decatur job you mentioned. And you can ask Pastor Zeke; yes we have a lot of experience with unexpected suicides, so I think your client will be quite pleased with our work..

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: not really a n00b

GLORY!





WELCOME BACK BROTHER V!

WE'VE MISSED YOU!