[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: I'm sorry

Don't call me that, ever.

Why ever not? Did a man touch you in a bad place as he wispered the name softly in your ear as you cried silent tears on your pillow?

Or is it the name of the place he said he would take you where you would ne'er see your parents again?

Or perhaps the only friend you had who vanished into the night after sobbing to you on the phone that the man said he had to 'go'?

Otherwise I'm frankly at a loss

YIC

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I'm sorry

It seems like Holm- er, That One Guy, is not quite as sorry as he'd claimed to be.

I'm praying real hard for him.

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: I'm sorry

Three things. 1: Don't call me that, ever. 2: That's not how an amber alert works. 3: I don't masturbate, I just feel as if those who want to should have the freedom to.

1. You are in no position to demand ANYTHING of a True Christian(tm).



2. If you tell people is alright to "shake hands with the unemployed" you are going completely against Scripture. You been shown several places in the Bible where this perverted self-rape is condemned: if you think it's ok, how about supporting your view with The Word?

Yours in Christ,

Zech

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I'm sorry

Three or four things:

1. Don't tell your betters what to do.

2. If you don't want to be called Holmberg, then why is that your username? And how would you prefer to be addressed?

3. My van's description and license plate were broadcast throughout the West Coast, due to a silly misunderstanding. I think I know pretty well how an Amber alert works. If you have your own theory, I'd love to hear it.

4. The Bible is very clear in its condemnation of adultery and fornication, and equally clear about the fact that masturbation is both of those things. You can not claim to be following Jesus' teaching while simultaneously advocating masturbation. This is what you'd call a "deal breaker." Stop masturbating immediately, or suffer aeternal hellfire.

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

Holmberg, what is this about you causing an Amber alert? I would like to know more about that. My van was briefly the subject of an Amber alert, and let me tell you, that was a real mess to clear up.

Also, stop masturbating. Stop it right now, and don't ever do it again!

Three things. 1: Don't call me that, ever. 2: That's not how an amber alert works. 3: I don't masturbate, I just feel as if those who want to should have the freedom to.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I'm sorry

Holmberg, what is this about you causing an Amber alert? I would like to know more about that. My van was briefly the subject of an Amber alert, and let me tell you, that was a real mess to clear up.

Also, stop masturbating. Stop it right now, and don't ever do it again!

[Jedediah]

Re: I'm sorry

Hammer, I don't understand. Why are you acting in this manner? I believe in god, and have my full faith in Christ. Why is that not enough? I want to go out in the world, and scream at the top of my lungs God's word. Why is that not enough? I want to find everyone who doesn't believe in God, and try with all of my might to convert them. Why is that not enough?

If you truly love the LORD, why don't you keep His commandments?

John 14:21
He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

Every time you spill seed outside of a fertile womb (whose owner you are married to), you commit an egregious act of mass murder against millions of precious sperm children who only want a chance to grow up and accept Jesus Christ as their personal LORD and Savior. God struck Onan dead for the very same offense (Genesis 38:9-10). Jesus tells us that fantasizing about anyone other than your lawfully wedded wife constitutes adultery and, by extension, hellfire (Matthew 5:28).

Maybe you should get married sooner rather than later, after all. Either that, or chop off your tallywhacker.

Mark 9:43-48
And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.
And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire:
where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.

Tell us, son. Do you love Jesus enough to start lopping off body parts that stand between you and loving Him? Do you love Jesus enough to chop off your tallywhacker?

Matthew 19:12
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.


Now that you have accepted Jesus into your heart, I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

Who told you that, satan? The crusty sock will be your doom, child! Repent!

Hammer, I don't understand. Why are you acting in this manner? I believe in god, and have my full faith in Christ. Why is that not enough? I want to go out in the world, and scream at the top of my lungs God's word. Why is that not enough? I want to find everyone who doesn't believe in God, and try with all of my might to convert them. Why is that not enough?

[Witch Hammer]

Re: I'm sorry

Masturbation is a healthy, non adulterating way around those fantasies.

Who told you that, satan? The crusty sock will be your doom, child! Repent!

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

Don't play coy, son. I'm sure you punch the muppet several times a day...your honesty before the Lord and this assembly of believers is crucial. How can you be truly released from satan's grip whilst your willy is still clenched firmly in yours?

I'm sorry, I truly am. I just didn't understand what he was trying to ask. Now that I do, I would like to state that the bible doesn't say a thing about masturbation. It simply denounces all forms of sexual impurities and fantasies that would involve any mental, physical, or other adulterous activities. Masturbation is a healthy, non adulterating way around those fantasies.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: I'm sorry

May I please ask you to elaborate? I'm afraid that I don't understand the meaning of your statement, pastor.

Don't play coy, son. I'm sure you punch the muppet several times a day...your honesty before the Lord and this assembly of believers is crucial. How can you be truly released from satan's grip whilst your willy is still clenched firmly in yours?

[ThatOneGuyHolmberg]

Re: I'm sorry

How many times a day do you spank your monkey? .

May I please ask you to elaborate? I'm afraid that I don't understand the meaning of your statement, pastor.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I'm sorry

Right here and right now? That can be done. I am a liar, a deciever, a con, and an evil person. I have unmatched social skills, and am able of the highest level of manipulation. I have done evil things in this world, and have used god's blessing as a tool of destruction. I have singlehandedly brough down Organizations of over 100 people for the sheer purpose of the laughs. I once ruined a girl's life to the point of instigating an AMBER alert. When you look at it, I'm probably one of the most despicabal human beings out there. I mean, I came here to do nothing more than flame you and spam your inboxes. I truly am filth, and I hope that by God's righteousness, I can undo one tenths of the evils I've done. Because without him, I've got a one way ticket to eternal damnation.

There. My sins spilled unto you. No filter, no information held back, no lies, and no deceit.

How many times a day do you spank your monkey? What Church does your daddy take you to? Because I want to call your Pastor to make sure you get punished in a Christian way.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: I'm sorry

I acted foolish. I tried to defy you, and you hit me low. I want to take back everything I said, because it was in an ignorant adolescent rage. Instead of fighting against you, I want to start anew. I want to accept Jesus into my heart, and make amends with you people. I want to specifically apologize to those who I directly insulted. It was wrong, and I should not have. I want to apologize to Pastor Ezekial, for I directly defied him, although he was simply trying to preach the word of god. I want to apologize to Mary Etheldreda, for I offended her with false slander. I want to apologize to God above, for I have denied his existence for 14 years. Everything that I have said is true to the letter, and I hope you take it to heart. I hope that you can find it within yourself to forgive me, and I hope that I can make up my negative past to God.

Yours Truly,
ThatOneGuyOverThere

GLORY! PRAISE! HALLELUJAH!!!!

Likewise, I say unto you,
there is joy in the presence of the angels of God
over one sinner that repenteth.
Luke 15:10

Son, I forgive you for your sins against me, and I join the angels in Heaven as they rejoice the happy news that one more sinner has been convicted of the depths of his offensive, disgusting sinful life! I will pray for you to be sincere in your confession, to be genuine in your repentance. I will pray that you know truly how deeply you've horrified and disgusted the LORD lo these 14 years of your existence! May you ever be grateful for the free gift of Salvation, and may you respond appropriately so you too can join us in Heaven for all eternity as we sing the Praises of Jesus Christ, and sit in perfect comfort and humor! I pray you will one day join us as we join the Sweet Redeemer watch and laugh at the sinners who refused to take this simple step you did (Psalms 2:4)!

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: I'm sorry

Brother Jedediah, you handsome thing!

I am so sorry to misinterpret our Lord's desire to have soldiers for Christ as being the responsibility of the male! Certainly we as the bearers of the ovens in which future soldiers are wholesomely prepared makes women hold a far greater share of the responsibility.

I ask the forgiveness of the church and of Mr. Holmberg. Tonight I shall pray that God sends the Holy Ghost to teach me even more about the role of women as I study the Holy Scriptures before bed.

In Jesus,
NRL