[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

You are such a nice boy and I'll deliver you the blue pill, as always.

My friend reckons that won't be enough to get him through to next Christmas. He asked me to ask you if you could perhaps throw in an extra couple of packs. And could you make sure it's the 25 mg, not the 100mg? Last year's gift ended in a trip to the emergency department.

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Dear "Santa";
I didn't trust you then, and I don't trust you now. If you look to my right, you will see that I am not (nor was I ever) in Bloomingdales as a child.

Non-credulously Yours,
Handmaiden

Handels-Dandels,

I have always delivered the plastics, I shall always do that to you. Your trust issues can probably be dealt with a nice comfy organic puppy.



Don't let Un-boy dogsit her, though! Ho ho ho!

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Are you sure you does not want me to sacrifice exploding jelly baby to you?

Undels-Dundels, my boy! At my age you're not sure if your pants are wet or dry or if you just remembered to close your fly. Ho ho ho! OK, my "jelly baby" has not exploded for decades. Ho Ho HO!!!

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Santa,

I remember sitting on your lap when I was a boy. One year your breath smelled like something I noticed when walking by the pub holding mother's hand as she sought presents for Aunt Lucia, who was, according to mother, "so hard to buy for - Lesbians don't like anything." Aunt Lucia sure could play softball, though.

So - here is my wish list, Santa. I won't be greedy.
1. I want my application to move to Freehold approved.
2. I want my mom and dad to become Christians instead of continuing to worship Mary and do aerobics in Mass.
3. I would like to succeed in my creation science class so Elmer White will like me.
5. I also want Dr. Niles to like me just like I like him.
6. That last one needs to be on the down low.
7. Please bring all the poor people lots of presents and not just cheap hand me downs from the Salvation Army.

How is Mrs. Claus? Please say hello to Rosita for me. Does she have a red nose?
Yours,
Lar-Bear (Remember how you always called me that?)

It's young Pony Boy!! Such a demanding child. As always, Unca Santa is gonna give you what you need based on your niceties! Not necessarily what you demand.

1. I mostly deliver things of plastic, so paperwork and papyri are something you have to ask Jesus. He usually grants even the mustard seeds everything they want (they mostly want all forests to be replaced by cultivated fields are they've done very well wish-wise). I won't mind if you contact him, also.
2. Your mom and dad are going to get plastic figurines of the Jesus guy, I hope that helps.
3. I'll deliver you a plastic model (size S) of Noah's Ark. I hope that helps.
4. I'll deliver Nilesy-Dilesy one of the anatomically correct plastic toys that he loves so much and tell him it's from you. I'm sure that helps.
5. or 6. I'll also deliver you a plastic model of the human brain. I doubt that it'll help, though.
7. Nice people will get nice things regardless of their wealth, plastic has no boundaries. There is neither slow nor sleek, there is neither Bond nor Blofeld, there is neither male nor she-male: for you are all one on my list of nice and naughty.

Rosita says hi to your horseys. She has excellent teeth but as a ruminant only on the lower jaw when it comes to front teeth. Ho ho ho!

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Have you given any thought to what you would like for Christmas, Mr Claus? I can see from your photo in the OP that your a man of advanced years and considerable girth. Have you given any thought as to how Mrs Claus would manage if something were ever to happen to you?

It just so turns out that at the moment I've got some great deals on prearranged funeral packages, given that business has been pretty slow since I moved to Freehold -- the life expectancy around here is, as you would expect, pretty high (Eph 6:2-3). I don't normally cater to the unsaved, but I would be willing to make an exception in your case.

You will no doubt be needing a rather substantial casket. Perhaps something in the Goliath range?



And what about a viewing? A chance for Mrs Claus and all the children you give toys to a chance to say their final goodbyes.

Give it some thought (not too much, though -- the big day isn't far away) and let me know. We can discuss prices later, but they are quite reasonable, ballpark $15,000-$30,000*, depending on certain factors.

* Strait Gate Funeral Parlor reserves the right to change pricing at any time and without notice.

Young Alan! One of my favorite lads. How absolutely cute of you to think of Old Santa in that manner. But I'm still young and I'll be delivering bright plastics to your widow one day! Ho ho ho! I always say that Let the dead bury their dead: but I go and preach the kingdom of Good Deliverance!

You are such a nice boy and I'll deliver you the blue pill, as always.

[handmaiden]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Dear "Santa";


I didn't trust you then, and I don't trust you now. If you look to my right, you will see that I am not (nor was I ever) in Bloomingdales as a child.


Non-credulously Yours,
Handmaiden

[BrotherLarry]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Santa,


I remember sitting on your lap when I was a boy. One year your breath smelled like something I noticed when walking by the pub holding mother's hand as she sought presents for Aunt Lucia, who was, according to mother, "so hard to buy for - Lesbians don't like anything." Aunt Lucia sure could play softball, though.


I am hopeful that Jesus won't be offended by this note. He is busy answering prayers and perhaps He won't notice. Let's keep it between us. He hurts my feelings when he doesn't remember me. He just keeps calling me the horse guy, which is what Jesus called me this year, too. It makes me cry, like I did the year I asked you for a statue of St. Francis and instead you brought me St. Dymphna.
And the year I asked you to specifically NOT bring me underwear, since it made my boy parts hurt - and what do I find in one of my gaily wrapped packages but another 3-pack of Hanes briefs. I took scissors to them later that day.


So - here is my wish list, Santa. I won't be greedy.
1. I want my application to move to Freehold approved.
2. I want my mom and dad to become Christians instead of continuing to worship Mary and do aerobics in Mass.
3. I would like to succeed in my creation science class so Elmer White will like me.
5. I also want Dr. Niles to like me just like I like him.
6. That last one needs to be on the down low.
7. Please bring all the poor people lots of presents and not just cheap hand me downs from the Salvation Army.


I have more wishes, but 7 is God's perfect number so I'll stop here.


How is Mrs. Claus? Please say hello to Rosita for me. Does she have a red nose?


I am - as always, a VERY good boy!
Yours,
Lar-Bear (Remember how you always called me that?)

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Have you given any thought to what you would like for Christmas, Mr Claus? I can see from your photo in the OP that your a man of advanced years and considerable girth. Have you given any thought as to how Mrs Claus would manage if something were ever to happen to you?

It just so turns out that at the moment I've got some great deals on prearranged funeral packages, given that business has been pretty slow since I moved to Freehold -- the life expectancy around here is, as you would expect, pretty high (Eph 6:2-3). I don't normally cater to the unsaved, but I would be willing to make an exception in your case.

You will no doubt be needing a rather substantial casket. Perhaps something in the Goliath range?



And what about a viewing? A chance for Mrs Claus and all the children you give toys to a chance to say their final goodbyes.

Give it some thought (not too much, though -- the big day isn't far away) and let me know. We can discuss prices later, but they are quite reasonable, ballpark $15,000-$30,000*, depending on certain factors.





* Strait Gate Funeral Parlor reserves the right to change pricing at any time and without notice.

[Marshal Kim Jong-un]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Ho Ho Ho, Undie-boy! I need no worship. I am that I am, and at the moment I am much more popular than Jesus in his Christmas thread! And this in the one community that apparently follows him more closely than anyone. If I win here, I win everywhere!

Ho ho ho!!

Are you sure you does not want me to sacrifice exploding jelly baby to you?

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Santa is part of the commercialization of the birth of little baby Jesus and leads people away from the true meaning of Christmas.

Santa promotes greed, covetousness, and earthly desire.

Santa claims to be watching us and keeping a naughty list, just like Satan does.

Santa wears red while Satan is depicted with red skin.

Santa is sometimes called Jolly Old Saint Nick while a dated term for Satan is Old Nick,

Move the t behind the last a and Santa spells Satan.

I believe it is clear then that Santa is a guise of the devil. Children that await Santa's visit are corrupting their souls by inviting the devil in.

Des! My little cuddly Care-Bear! How come you've become so naughty?! I know you had the tantrum, because I refused to give you the Handheld M2 .50 Cal Machine Gun in 2014 (or any other weapon) but after your most recent incident in 2012 it was only common sense, don't you agree!

If you don't like my now more-or-less official title "Santa" you can always call me Father Christmas as you used to when you were a little boy and gave me that sloppy small-bioy kiss on my cheek! Remember: Call no other man your Father Christmas upon the Earth, for one is your Father Christmas in the North Pole! Ho ho ho!! It's me!

Definitely no guns this year, either, but if you are nice, I'll reconsider in 2021. Meanwhile, I'll deliver you the Ken dolls for your collection, the ones you've been asking for years!

If that is the case then HAIL SANTA!

Ho Ho Ho, Undie-boy! I need no worship. I am that I am, and at the moment I am much more popular than Jesus in his Christmas thread! And this in the one community that apparently follows him more closely than anyone. If I win here, I win everywhere!

Ho ho ho!!

[Marshal Kim Jong-un]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Santa is part of the commercialization of the birth of little baby Jesus and leads people away from the true meaning of Christmas.

Santa promotes greed, covetousness, and earthly desire.


Santa claims to be watching us and keeping a naughty list, just like Satan does.


Santa wears red while Satan is depicted with red skin.


Santa is sometimes called Jolly Old Saint Nick while a dated term for Satan is Old Nick,


Move the t behind the last a and Santa spells Satan.


I believe it is clear then that Santa is a guise of the devil. Children that await Santa's visit are corrupting their souls by inviting the devil in.

If that is the case then HAIL SANTA!

[Des]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Santa is part of the commercialization of the birth of little baby Jesus and leads people away from the true meaning of Christmas.

Santa promotes greed, covetousness, and earthly desire.


Santa claims to be watching us and keeping a naughty list, just like Satan does.


Santa wears red while Satan is depicted with red skin.


Santa is sometimes called Jolly Old Saint Nick while a dated term for Satan is Old Nick,


Move the t behind the last a and Santa spells Satan.


I believe it is clear then that Santa is a guise of the devil. Children that await Santa's visit are corrupting their souls by inviting the devil in.

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Friend, dog will a common meal in DPRK, and other asian country. In DPRK, dog are raised on free range farms and killed in painless manner, as opposed to in other country where animal are cooped up in factory farm and raised and killed in cruel ways.

Anyway, if you or anybody else would like dog takeaway, I recommend KFD (Korean Fried Dog) for top-quality dog. Yum yum.

I'm still not going to give any puppies to you, but you're just a soft puppy yourself, aren't you my Ung-Dung! You're an adorable Dong, aren't you!

OK, I admit, my elfs do eat our reindeer on a regular basis and my principal supporters, all U.S. Citizens between the ages of 6 months and 114 (that's the oldest American at the moment, as I am a citizen of the North Pole) do not miss any opportunity to consume cows. But take the fat camp first and we'll reconsider next year. I might deliver.

[Marshal Kim Jong-un]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

Mr. Unders-Dunders! Would you eat your friend? I am not a fan of that, although there are many people around who would find it the ultimate act of holiness. Do you think that except you eat the flesh of man's best friend, and drink his blood, you have no life in you?

That said, I'm not going to give you a puppy this year!

Friend, dog will a common meal in DPRK, and other asian country. In DPRK, dog are raised on free range farms and killed in painless manner, as opposed to in other country where animal are cooped up in factory farm and raised and killed in cruel ways.


Anyway, if you or anybody else would like dog takeaway, I recommend KFD (Korean Fried Dog) for top-quality dog. Yum yum.

[Santa Claus]

Re: ASK SANTA! MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

What he did to Blondi is unforgivable, and he didn't even eat her when she is dead! Such a waste! Friend, I am send you that link because it shows Hitler is kill you with his pencil of doom! However, you are clearly not dead as you have post. The mans who is "Santa" in video will clearly not the real Santa.

Mr. Unders-Dunders! Would you eat your friend? I am not a fan of that, although there are many people around who would find it the ultimate act of holiness. Do you think that except you eat the flesh of man's best friend, and drink his blood, you have no life in you?

That said, I'm not going to give you a puppy this year!

Hello Kim,

What a waste indeed, very sad also. I´ll console myself with the thought of your subjects rejoicing that you would not be so wasteful and indeed would eat the dog after it happened to get killed with cyanide.

Kind regards,

Roland

Ronnie-boy! You are a bit naughty with the Undie-Boy, aren't you! I thought you were guiding your fellow humans to the opulence of the beer volcano. It is usually more in the interests of Jesus to torment people with poisonous locusts. If you weren't so cute I might be reconsidering your gift.

But you are so cuddly and adorable that I let the naughtiness pass this time and your nice general attitude saves your stockings! I shall deliver.