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  • #1

    Look What I Got

    This thread is to show Jesus and the entire congregation the gifts you gave or received for Christmas this year.

    For some bizarre reason, that little yellow monkey Hitoshi sent me this:
    I suppose he thought it was something of value. Those slants are simple-minded, I swear. They can't even mock well.

    The "gift" was accompanied by this card. I can't make heads nor tails of it.
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Look What I Got

    Brother Zeke, I'm assuming that the Japs' hearts were in the Right place, seeking to be "disespectful to SIN" as their detergents seek to be "disrespectful to dirt."

    PS I can't post my Gifts because I didn't get any, having followed Jesus' Command to forsake my Family.

    Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
    This thread is to show Jesus and the entire congregation the gifts you gave or received for Christmas this year.

    For some bizarre reason, that little yellow monkey Hitoshi sent me this:
    I suppose he thought it was something of value. Those slants are simple-minded, I swear. They can't even mock well.

    The "gift" was accompanied by this card. I can't make heads nor tails of it.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Look What I Got

      I recieved the best gift any man could ask for- a framed picture of myself.
      Attached Files
      sigpic

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Look What I Got

        AMEN SUV, AMEN!

        Bout all I has is my wife and the grown kids (which I wish would jist go away).

        Let's see, I got a new KJV1611 Bible as my old one was so wornout. That was the best present I could get....the Lord's WORD.

        GLORY!!

        Now I got my wife a new chastity belt made of real bonifide iron with a lock (can't be too careful nowadays cuz ya knows there be lots of rapists and perverts 'round ever where). Now she is old like me BUT that don't make no difference to some of the DEGENERATES floatin' around out there in the world ya know.

        My two harlot daughters ganged up and sent me several presents. Guess they tryin' to kiss my rear end and make up cuz they probably needs a "loan" about now to pay for all the stuff they bought their "friends" for Christmas. BUT, I jist boxed all them presents up and sent them rit back to those two WAYWARD WHORES out in Cali-fornification!! And with a note sayin', "Daddy DON'T needs no gifts from SATAN'S SLUTS!!" Now those two girls are EVIL ABOMINATIONS for sure! They won't turn to JeSuS so they is goin to BURN!! And, I be glad when they DO burn! I should have "sacrificed" those two WENCHES the very day they were born!!

        Oh well, sorry for speakin of private family matters on this JOYOUS day of the LORD'S BIRTHIN' DAY.
        Evangelist for Jesus and The Word!!

        "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." Matthew 7:15

        "Prayer should be your first resource. Not your last resort!!"

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Look What I Got

          Wash, maybe I should loan you my best gift of the day

          Yes, it's a nasal/perianal hair trimmer/vibrator

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Look What I Got

            Gee, now I'm beginning to feel somewhat blue because I didn't get any Gifts. Wow, y'all got Jappy stuff, a new Bible, and a fake finger!!!

            But! Being here with my Brothers and Sisters at Landover Baptist makes it all worthwhile. And at least that neegroe "Man" did Die, that Odd-Father of "Soul" (Something tells me he's not going to "Get Up" no matter how hard he begs Saint Peter!)

            PS Brother Love, by chance, have those Gifts gone back out in the mail yet? Is there anything in them that perhaps a Lady might use?

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Look What I Got

              Well ain't this all "special" LOL.........SUV I know Brother Love's two "harlot daughters" and you can bet your last dollar that in those presents there was at least some Victoria's Secret items for Mrs. Love. Maybe you can talk the RAVENOUS OLD WOLF into mailing them to you. Of course, I'm sure he'd want to see you in them (just to make sure the items fit you well of course...riiigghhhhttttttt lol).

              Zeke I'm NOT understanding your present at all. I don't get it. Don't those Jap people know how to write English? I mean, afterall, is not English God's OWN language? (I think I read that somewhere in the BILLIONS of posts at LBC).

              Wash...hmm...lol...I MUST say the picture of yourself bears a very EXCELLENT LIKENESS of YOU!! It IS definetly YOUuuuu....

              Po Peter...I can think of some "additional" uses for your finger thing. Call me........

              AND FINALLY our "dear" "sweet" Brother Love....a new BIBLE!! Holy SMOKERS BATMAN!! Well I'm SURE you'll be breaking it in here at LBC and "gifting" us all with your HELL-FIRE-BRIMSTONE sermons even MORE than you are already. BUTttt...I must question the chastity belt of iron that you got for Mrs. Love, love. I mean REALLY PEOPLE! Could Love have thought of anything WORSE FOR A XMAS PRESENT for his wife??? GODdddd I FEEL for that POOR WOMAN!! BTW Brother Love....do you STILL lock Mrs. Love up in the prayer closet at nights while you sleep with your street walk***...oh well...you know what I mean, love.

              Now, what DID this "girl" get for XMAS? I know you are all wondering! Well, Rocky got me that new CORSET and I just LOVE it! Oh and he got me some new black stockings too that are absolutely FABULOUS! I'd post a pic of me dressed in my new duds BUT for some reason this forum won't let me do so. But, trust me loves, I look absolutely RAVISHING in it all!!

              Love & Light
              Twink
              "I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania."

              "Don't dream it...BE IT!"

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Look What I Got

                Originally posted by Miss.SUV View Post
                I can't post my Gifts because I didn't get any, having followed Jesus' Command to forsake my Family.
                it ok Miss.Sue, i gonna sends you a belateds christmas gift it what i gave everyone in my sunday skool class!



                you be able to take a long hot soak in the tub wiv lord Jesus, i no it prolly not gonna be as excitin as takin a shower wiv Him but it the bestest i could do for $11.99.


                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Look What I Got

                  As you may already know, my husband Gary bestowed upon me this gorgeous Hoover S3755 WindTunnel Bagless Canister Vacuum. I planted a big, fat Christian kiss on his cheek as soon as the wrapping came off.



                  Originally posted by TwinkBoy View Post
                  Now, what DID this "girl" get for XMAS? I know you are all wondering! Well, Rocky got me that new CORSET and I just LOVE it! Oh and he got me some new black stockings too that are absolutely FABULOUS! I'd post a pic of me dressed in my new duds BUT for some reason this forum won't let me do so. But, trust me loves, I look absolutely RAVISHING in it all!!
                  Ravishing or not, what you do is forbidden by our LORD.

                  Deuteronomy 22:5-- The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

                  Certainly, this is among your lesser abominations, but it will nonetheless be recounted by a sneering St. Peter before he pulls the lever that opens the trapdoor beneath your obscenely-heeled feet and sends you spiraling breathlessly toward the domain of Beelzebub. Praise Jesus!
                  sigpic

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Look What I Got

                    Lord Love a Duck, Miss Petal, wasn't that so kind of you!!! Bathing With Jesus will be even more fun than showering with Him. Especially since He refuses to take His Robe off, even in the shower stall, and I can't see a thing around it, slippin' & slidin' everywhere, hot spray all in my eyes...

                    So yes, I look forward to a bath with Him very much! Thank you!

                    "Rubber Saviour, you're the One!
                    You make bath-time so much fun!"


                    Originally posted by Petal View Post
                    it ok Miss.Sue, i gonna sends you a belateds christmas gift it what i gave everyone in my sunday skool class!





                    you be able to take a long hot soak in the tub wiv lord Jesus, i no it prolly not gonna be as excitin as takin a shower wiv Him but it the bestest i could do for $11.99.









                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Look What I Got

                      I have yet to receive a thank you from Brother Temperance for the gift I sent him - did it get lost in the mail?



                      Indeed, when I saw this tie I immediately thought of him (and of Him); young Christian men can be 'hip' and 'groovy' after all, without resorting to metrosexualist depravity. Praise!
                      True Christians are Perfect!

                      Signs that you belong to a FALSE Christian Church.

                      Persecution You Have Endured for CHRIST: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger in Christ.

                      For True Christians™ only: please send me Project Habakkuk updates at gertruderogers@landoverbaptist.net. Thank you.

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Look What I Got

                        Originally posted by Mrs. Rogers View Post
                        I have yet to receive a thank you from Brother Temperance for the gift I sent him - did it get lost in the mail?
                        He hasn't yet thanked me either, Mrs. Rogers, after giving him what I thought was the Perfect Gift for someone with a Name like his: A $50 Gift Certificate expressly written out as such: "For not purchasing alcohol."

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Look What I Got

                          Originally posted by SUV View Post
                          He hasn't yet thanked me either, Mrs. Rogers, after giving him what I thought was the Perfect Gift for someone with a Name like his: A $50 Gift Certificate expressly written out as such: "For not purchasing alcohol."
                          Dear Sue, I have no doubt the lad is so overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness - your gift setting him apart from the boozy sinners who stagger through The Season - he is stunned, stunned into a silent reverie, his gratitude filling his heart as bottled water courses through his liver.
                          True Christians are Perfect!

                          Signs that you belong to a FALSE Christian Church.

                          Persecution You Have Endured for CHRIST: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger in Christ.

                          For True Christians™ only: please send me Project Habakkuk updates at gertruderogers@landoverbaptist.net. Thank you.

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Look What I Got

                            Well, I got an honest to goodness classic! A real toy for young boys. Big muscle funny cars and hours of entertainment with out subliminal messages from video games or comic books!
                            Matthew:
                            5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
                            5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
                            10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
                            10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


                            sigpic

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                            • #15
                              Re: Look What I Got

                              Originally posted by eliot mayfield View Post
                              Well, I got an honest to goodness classic! A real toy for young boys. Big muscle funny cars and hours of entertainment with out subliminal messages from video games or comic books!
                              Is that a young Hitler on the left?
                              O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



                              God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

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