[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Hey, what you may find boring, is actually pretty good advice.

Although Dances, I do have to point out one thing. I have actually heard of people conceiving during their period. Freaky, I know. But it happens!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Hey, what you may find boring, is actually pretty good advice.

Although Dances, I do have to point out one thing. I have actually heard of people conceiving during their period. Freaky, I know. But it happens!

And that's my point! That's how retard babies are made. God hates that.

[SUV]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

I'm feeling so Ill listening to all of this. I do hope Sister Thumper will have her Tea Bagging Party soon to Resurrect my Spirits

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

And that's my point! That's how retard babies are made. God hates that.

Ok, do you have scientific proof of that?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Ok, do you have scientific proof of that?

I can do better than that! I have BIBLICAL proof!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Balderdash and gibble gabble!
Science, and advances in science, have DISproved the biblical ideas of handicapped children being born from that.

A woman's cycle isn't always the same....some women happen to be fertile then, and that HAS been proven.

Look, if you don't wish to surf the red tide you don't gotta, but if people do and get pregnant that way, that's no business of yours.

[Brother_Percy]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

First of all, congratulations on saving your virginity for Jesus!

I have another few questions. Will my first time hurt too? I mean, I know it's meant to hurt the woman. But does it hurt for the man as much? I'm not sure what it's meant to feel like, or what i'm supposed to act like.

Do I have to do 'fourplay' before it? Or is that just for perverts? I don't know much about True Christian fourplay (If there IS such a thing). Though i'd imagine it means romantic stuff like kissing my wife's neck, and having her massage my mucky sweaty feet?

I always imagined making the baby will feel like trying to force your 'gentleman' inside a tiny dry microscopic hole, that feels like tough leather or sandpaper inside, and that I should get it over with as quick as possible. Get the baby in there, you know, so we can get back to praying.

Any other advice?

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

As part of the curse for Eve's actions in the Garden of Eden, intercourse is meant to be an act for pro-creation only, and women should not feel any physical stimulation through the "act". For you, the man, you should enjoy a blissful & peaceful feeling for a short while, as the Lord rewards you for doing your duty to create a whole passel of children for Jesus! If you notice your wife squirming around or otherwise contorting herself in a seemingly pleasurable way, you can rest assured that she is fantasizing about some negro's wedding tackle and, therefore, committing adultery right in your own bed. I suggest you rebuke her for this immediately, before the problem gets out of hand and she fall into the serious sin of M-ing, which is just as addicting as crack cocaine and just as destructive.

As far as "foreplay" is concerned, it is not recommended for True Christians, at least not in the secular meaning of the word. Good Christians engage in wholesome foreplay like reading through Leviticus and discussing the role of women in the world today. It is best that she know her position ("beneath the man", in more ways than one) before things get started. Let her know who is boss. What women want is a man who is IN CHARGE. Any other 'intimacies' are strictly for pleasure alone, and will distract the woman from her duty: to produce a young male for Jesus.

I agree with your last paragraph. If you do your duty quickly and silently enough, there will be a period of relief, after which you can immediately begin your Bible study and your wife can roll over and go to sleep, to allow her body to get to work with making a baby. The faster it is over, the better, as the last thing you want to do is have your mind off of Jesus and on your tallywhacker any longer than is completely necessary. You don't want to accidentally turn yourself gay!

[SUV]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Will my first time hurt too?

Only if you were to Marry Dora Denkins; I hear that her cooter has "teeth in it."

[Brother_Percy]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Only if you were to Marry Dora Denkins; I hear that her cooter has "teeth in it."

Do OTHER women have this problem? I bet wiccin-women do!

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

I have another few questions.1 Will my first time hurt too? I mean, I know it's meant to hurt the woman. But does it hurt for the man as much? I'm not sure what it's meant to feel like, or what i'm supposed to act like.

2 Do I have to do 'fourplay' before it? Or is that just for perverts? I don't know much about True Christian fourplay (If there IS such a thing). Though i'd imagine it means romantic stuff like kissing my wife's neck, and having her massage my mucky sweaty feet?

I always imagined making the baby will feel like trying to force your 'gentleman' inside a tiny dry microscopic hole, that feels like tough leather or sandpaper inside, and that 3 I should get it over with as quick as possible. Get the baby in there, you know, so we can get back to praying.

Any other advice? 4

First of all, this is a bit gritty for a Christian lady like me to discuss, but since I have raised a son, I'll do my best...

1. Since men seem to have an obsession with "popping a cherry" I sort of doubt that it hurts. Besides, it is the women who carry the burden of Eve's sins and the suffering that goes along with it, so don't feel sorry for your new wife if her "trampoline" is woven a bit tight.

2. Foreplay is for perverts like Lumpy. The only reason to take your gun out of its holster is to shoot it.

3. I suppose this is your choice, according to the Good Book, from Genesis through Revelation, GOD makes it clear that your wife is your property. Just be careful about enjoyment, it is Satan's trap.

4. Once your wife is in a family way, it is important not to spoil her. Remember, she is capable of having at least a dozen children and if she gets fat and lazy during her first pregnancy, she'll only get worse as more babies come along. Speaking of fat mothers, beware that many lesbians and witches marry men so that they can get pregnant, divorce them, and then collect child support and alimony while turning the fruit of your loins into goths and emos. Always remember, you are the king of your castle.

[Vayhr of the Warhost]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

I always imagined making the baby will feel like trying to force your 'gentleman' inside a tiny dry microscopic hole

Nah, I figure in your case it'll be more like a Q-tip dangling over a canyon, small fry.

[Boring Jerry]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

And you know how big he is down there how?

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Vayhr has an obsession with tallywhackers, his own being on the substandard size I'm guessing.

[Boring Jerry]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Oh yeah, I forgot. Though I wouldn't actually know.