"First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

[Glendora Christianson]

I realized that good Christian newlyweds might have lots of questions about sex (forgive me Jesus). Surely, none of you have disappointed Jesus by dirtying your souls outside of marriage, so you WILL HAVE QUESTIONS.

Anyway, post questions here and we'll try to answer them.

PS For those sinners who insist on trying to disrupt HIS favorite forum, remember there are Christian Ladies that might view your message!

[Brother_Percy]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Good Sister,

I am to marry my high-school sweetheart in 3 months time, and am pretty nervous about our first night together. We are both still virgins.

My question is this - what if she has her monthly curse on our wedding night? Or wedding day for that matter?

I know it is my Marrital Duty to give her a baby on the first night we sleep together. But what if she's menstrating? I want our first night together to be perfect, not look like the texas chainsaw marriage massacre! Especially wearing a white dress! I can just picture her walking down the isle, her pretty white dress on, and a big red stain on the front of it. With the Bridesmaids being splashed with her blood, and big puddles of it all over the Church. It's giving me nightmares!

The Bible says I shouldn't go anywhere near her if she's on her bad-week, let alone sleep in the same bed as her! But I know on our wedding night she expects me to give her our first child. It certainly is a worry.

I also heard sleeping with someone during their monthly curse makes retarded babies! Is this true? Please help, I'm worrying myself sick about all this. Especially with my wedding getting so close an' all. I want to fulfil my duty to my new wife, but I don't want to have a 'tard as a baby!

What should we do in this case? Should we postpone the wedding for a few weeks if she has the curse?

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Good Sister,
I am to marry my high-school sweetheart in 3 months time, and am pretty nervous about our first night together. We are both still virgins.

My question is this - what if she has her monthly curse on our wedding night? Or wedding day for that matter?

What should we do in this case? Should we postpone the wedding for a few weeks if she has the curse?

First of all, congratulations on saving your virginity for Jesus! And as far as that time of month goes . . . I recommend that you purchase a portable doggy pen and bring it with you on your honeymoon. This way, you can follow the Lord's advice while still enjoying the vacation. Perhaps somewhere like Disney or King's Island so that you can go on a different kind of ride while she regains her sanity?

[SUV]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Mother Glynndie......

Do we have to? Do we really.....HAVE TO?!

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Good Sister,

I am to marry my high-school sweetheart in 3 months time, and am pretty nervous about our first night together. We are both still virgins.

My question is this - what if she has her monthly curse on our wedding night? Or wedding day for that matter?

I know it is my Marrital Duty to give her a baby on the first night we sleep together. But what if she's menstrating? I want our first night together to be perfect, not look like the texas chainsaw marriage massacre! Especially wearing a white dress! I can just picture her walking down the isle, her pretty white dress on, and a big red stain on the front of it. With the Bridesmaids being splashed with her blood, and big puddles of it all over the Church. It's giving me nightmares!

The Bible says I shouldn't go anywhere near her if she's on her bad-week, let alone sleep in the same bed as her! But I know on our wedding night she expects me to give her our first child. It certainly is a worry.

I also heard sleeping with someone during their monthly curse makes retarded babies! Is this true? Please help, I'm worrying myself sick about all this. Especially with my wedding getting so close an' all. I want to fulfil my duty to my new wife, but I don't want to have a 'tard as a baby!

What should we do in this case? Should we postpone the wedding for a few weeks if she has the curse?

Most women know within a margin of a few days when their period will start. Just don't schedule your wedding for the same week she's most likely to start. For example, if she tends to have her period during the first week of the month, schedule the wedding for a day in the third week of the month.

If you want to maximize the chances of her getting pregnant on your weddign night, have her track her periods for several months before the wedding, and schedule the wedding for the middle of the interval between periods, when she is most likely to be ovulating.

And menstruating women don't bleed anywhere near as profusely as you seem to imagine.

Having sex with a woman during her period will not result in a retarded baby - in fact, it won't result in a baby at all, since the egg is discharged at the start of her period, and the endometrium is being discharged as well. No egg, no endometrium - no pregnancy.

[SUV]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

(***sigh***)

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Mother Glynndie......

Do we have to? Do we really.....HAVE TO?!

I'm sorry Sister Sue, but Jesus has called on us to do it. But I'll be on the lookout for web-perverts! Also, we can refer the gritty questions to our male pastors.

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Having sex with a woman during her period will not result in a retarded baby - in fact, it won't result in a baby at all, since the egg is discharged at the start of her period, and the endometrium is being discharged as well. No egg, no endometrium - no pregnancy.

First of all, I will assign a pervert alert to your account. In fact, the couple must wait fifteen days to be reunited and this is only if they offer a pair of turtles or young pigeons to a priest, who must sacrifice one to fire and one to sin.** DISGUSTED MOTHER GLNDORA


And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.

And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.

Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation. And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

**But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness.

[SUV]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Mother Glynndie, I think this Lumpy one must truly have Demons. Possibly deep-set cooter demons, which are making her to bleed

Pray that Sister Justina gets here in time to alleviate them so We Christian Ladies can get back to discussing this unsavory business.

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Mother Glynndie, I think this Lumpy one must truly have Demons. Possibly deep-set cooter demons, which are making her to bleed

Pray that Sister Justina gets here in time to alleviate them so We Christian Ladies can get back to discussing this unsavory business.

Sweet Sister Sue, I see the Lord's wisdom in suggesting a pair of turtles as a sacrifice. Just put two and two together...

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

My suggestion for brides is to have a 2" hole cut in a sheet, place the sheet over you, lay perfectly still until the act is over and don't make a sound.

Sex is for making new soldiers for JESUS and not for our enjoyment.

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

My suggestion for brides is to have a 2" hole cut in a sheet, place the sheet over you, lay perfectly still until the act is over and don't make a sound.

Sex is for making new soldiers for JESUS and not for our enjoyment.

This is an excellent idea, and you might even use a bed spread, comforter, or perhaps a 4x8 sheet of 3/4 inch plywood.

Also, I remember advising a certain couple, who will remain unnamed, that they might try sleeping with one foot on the floor for a few weeks at least.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

If a woman lays on a bed spread out like a starfish she is a whore.

Brides, never ever be a "starfish" lover.

[Wide-Open]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

My suggestion for brides is to have a 2" hole cut in a sheet

Sister, may I suggest a 1" hole to start with?

Let's keep it real folks.

Exodus 18:26
And they judged the people at all seasons: the hard causes they brought unto Moses, but every small matter they judged themselves.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: "First Night" Advice* *Adults Only!

Good Sister,[...]What should we do in this case? Should we postpone the wedding for a few weeks if she has the curse?

A more than difficult question Brother Percy and a serious one at that; although I do recall having similar worries to you, I was fortunate with Mrs Bathfire and the problem never arose. The answer is to have a useful hobby to hand – may be whittling wood, (obviously not graven images) or reading the sermons of Charles Haddon Spurgeon or having a concubine.