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Landover Baptist Church announces "Mission to Australia"
Praise Jesus!
It has been a lot of hard work the past four days but we all agreed this is a state of emergency, as the number of Australiens who have found salvation can be counted on one hand with fingers left over. With help from Australien President Ron Howard, we can now formally announce Landover Baptist Church's Mission to Australia. Fifteen True Christian(tm) missionaries are going to the darkest jungles of that Godforsaken land to spread the Gospel to a nation of unrepentant drunks and criminals!
Led by Brother Abner Jenkins, these fifteen brave souls will land via the church's private jet in the village of Sydney on July 15 at 8:20am local time, the day after 250,000 King James Bibles should arrive via container ship at the local pier. If you're concerned that all the Bibles will be stolen before the plane even lands, not to worry, the plan is to distribute the KJV1611s via the Australiens' natural tendency toward theft anyway, so if they get a day's head start, then that's an extra day for the Lord to work His miracles!
The missionaries plan to start proselytizing in Sydney's main square, Cook and Phillip Park at 2:00pm local time, and will spend at least five hours there the first day.
Over the next year, these dedicated men and their wives will travel the length and breadth of this jungle island to all the large villages, and even some of the smaller ones. The itinerary currently includes Melbourne, Adelaide, Vienna, Brisbane, Salzburg, Canberra and more. There is a village called Darwin that they will save for last, and should have enough saved Australien souls by then to help bolster their numbers and take down this bastion of EVILution. If all goes well, and with the Lord on their side it should, by the time they're done the plan is to have "Darwin" renamed to "Salvationville".
The biggest issue facing our stalwart team of missionaries is the question of Australien illiteracy. We're praying that most Kiwis (a nickname for Australiens) have at least some basic reading skills, but fortunately Brother Abner's wife, Sister Gladys Jenkins, was a teacher before she found Jesus (see, God does have a plan for us all). She will teach the young boys how to read, which leaves the men of the mission time to teach the adult men of Australia basic literacy.
1 Timothy 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
Normally the pastors waive this when it comes to dealing with unsaved trash, but because of the sheer size of this project, they feel it's important to show the Australiens proper Godly gender roles from the very beginning.
With the Lord's blessing, we should have enough Australiens saved, particularly enough higher-end tithers, that Landover Baptist Church should be able to start building our very first southern hemisphere franchise by 2010! PRAISE!
Please join me in praying for the unqualified success of this most blessed of expeditions! Hallelujah! Amen!
It has been a lot of hard work the past four days but we all agreed this is a state of emergency, as the number of Australiens who have found salvation can be counted on one hand with fingers left over. With help from Australien President Ron Howard, we can now formally announce Landover Baptist Church's Mission to Australia. Fifteen True Christian(tm) missionaries are going to the darkest jungles of that Godforsaken land to spread the Gospel to a nation of unrepentant drunks and criminals!
Led by Brother Abner Jenkins, these fifteen brave souls will land via the church's private jet in the village of Sydney on July 15 at 8:20am local time, the day after 250,000 King James Bibles should arrive via container ship at the local pier. If you're concerned that all the Bibles will be stolen before the plane even lands, not to worry, the plan is to distribute the KJV1611s via the Australiens' natural tendency toward theft anyway, so if they get a day's head start, then that's an extra day for the Lord to work His miracles!
The missionaries plan to start proselytizing in Sydney's main square, Cook and Phillip Park at 2:00pm local time, and will spend at least five hours there the first day.
Over the next year, these dedicated men and their wives will travel the length and breadth of this jungle island to all the large villages, and even some of the smaller ones. The itinerary currently includes Melbourne, Adelaide, Vienna, Brisbane, Salzburg, Canberra and more. There is a village called Darwin that they will save for last, and should have enough saved Australien souls by then to help bolster their numbers and take down this bastion of EVILution. If all goes well, and with the Lord on their side it should, by the time they're done the plan is to have "Darwin" renamed to "Salvationville".
The biggest issue facing our stalwart team of missionaries is the question of Australien illiteracy. We're praying that most Kiwis (a nickname for Australiens) have at least some basic reading skills, but fortunately Brother Abner's wife, Sister Gladys Jenkins, was a teacher before she found Jesus (see, God does have a plan for us all). She will teach the young boys how to read, which leaves the men of the mission time to teach the adult men of Australia basic literacy.
1 Timothy 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
Normally the pastors waive this when it comes to dealing with unsaved trash, but because of the sheer size of this project, they feel it's important to show the Australiens proper Godly gender roles from the very beginning.
With the Lord's blessing, we should have enough Australiens saved, particularly enough higher-end tithers, that Landover Baptist Church should be able to start building our very first southern hemisphere franchise by 2010! PRAISE!
Please join me in praying for the unqualified success of this most blessed of expeditions! Hallelujah! Amen!
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