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We need a counter-strategy to this fiendish plan of theirs. If you ask me, having Wal-Mart trademark all patriotic words would nip this plan in the bud.
Warning: anti-American site, not for women or those under 25 years of age:
Warning: anti-American site, not for women or those under 25 years of age:
Conservatives are all about giving names to things, and taking names away from things, and objecting to the names of things; that's why we have enhanced interrogation instead of torture, for example. No Child Left Behind, Healthy Forests -- you get the picture.
So if we give things the right names, all else will fall into place. Currently, nobody gives two twigs over the fate of the endangered northern spotted owl. It has the unfortunate habit of nesting in some prime timberlands (of which there is increasingly little, these days); that is enough to declare it an excess species, one of those nagging, irrelevant categories of animals that nobody would really miss, at least not as long as they were getting Pacific coast lumber at the lowest possible clearcut price. But would it be so easy, if it were named the Ronald Reagan spotted owl? Somehow, I think finding one of those dead in the chimney would cause a conservative far more sorrow, and the notion of wiping the Ronald Reagan owl from the face of the earth -- now, that would require much more thought.
Similarly, gray wolves reintroduced around Yellowstone (where they had been extinct for a half century) are having a difficult time...But what if they were not gray wolves, but Freedom wolves? Would it be so easy to shoot a Freedom wolf in the face, or poison a Freedom wolf with tainted bait? I think not. It would be practically unpatriotic: it would be something al Qaeda would do to our wolves, not a fine, upstanding conservative.
The desert tortoise? A bother, and a hinderance to the proper development of our southwestern suburbs. But a Patriot tortoise -- do not dare lay a finger on it! The endangered mollusks of Alabama would fare much better if given the names of past or contemporary conservative heros: the Roy Moore combshell has a fairly inspired ring to it, for example. Imagine the national outcry if the Atwater's greater liberty bird was about to vanish from the countryside, or if the Nixon thistle was being outcompeted in its environment by wayward, invasive immigrant plants from Other! Countries!. How much more cautious would Floridian boaters be, if they ran the risk of slicing the back of a Joseph R. McCarthatee to ribbons in their propeller blades, and how much more money would be donated to nurse the injured but lovable McCarthatees back to health?
You may doubt the plan, but I am confident it would work. The bald eagle was saved from the brink of extinction and is now in steady recovery simply because it was for two hundred years the symbol of our nation; the effort was taken for that species, and not for others, because it would have been profoundly embarrassing if we let the bird stamped on our money go extinct. Ponder that, for a moment: if Ben Franklin's turkey had become our national bird, turkeys would be on our coins, but the bald eagle would at this point have ceased to exist.
Consider product placement opportunities as well. How much would Anheuser-Busch spend to keep the Budweiser falcon from becoming extinct...
My own county, in northern California, is well and truly overwhelmed by invasive starthistle. It has sharp spines and spreads like wildfire: if we rename it Muslimweed, we may be able to enlist federal support in battling it. Hitlerbeetles; the Woolly Ahmadinejad; partialbirthabortovine... with a little inventiveness, the list could go on and on...
It would be a new world. From the forests of mighty Jesus trees to the George W. Bush Memorial Icecap, our planet would suddenly have a fighting chance.
So if we give things the right names, all else will fall into place. Currently, nobody gives two twigs over the fate of the endangered northern spotted owl. It has the unfortunate habit of nesting in some prime timberlands (of which there is increasingly little, these days); that is enough to declare it an excess species, one of those nagging, irrelevant categories of animals that nobody would really miss, at least not as long as they were getting Pacific coast lumber at the lowest possible clearcut price. But would it be so easy, if it were named the Ronald Reagan spotted owl? Somehow, I think finding one of those dead in the chimney would cause a conservative far more sorrow, and the notion of wiping the Ronald Reagan owl from the face of the earth -- now, that would require much more thought.
Similarly, gray wolves reintroduced around Yellowstone (where they had been extinct for a half century) are having a difficult time...But what if they were not gray wolves, but Freedom wolves? Would it be so easy to shoot a Freedom wolf in the face, or poison a Freedom wolf with tainted bait? I think not. It would be practically unpatriotic: it would be something al Qaeda would do to our wolves, not a fine, upstanding conservative.
The desert tortoise? A bother, and a hinderance to the proper development of our southwestern suburbs. But a Patriot tortoise -- do not dare lay a finger on it! The endangered mollusks of Alabama would fare much better if given the names of past or contemporary conservative heros: the Roy Moore combshell has a fairly inspired ring to it, for example. Imagine the national outcry if the Atwater's greater liberty bird was about to vanish from the countryside, or if the Nixon thistle was being outcompeted in its environment by wayward, invasive immigrant plants from Other! Countries!. How much more cautious would Floridian boaters be, if they ran the risk of slicing the back of a Joseph R. McCarthatee to ribbons in their propeller blades, and how much more money would be donated to nurse the injured but lovable McCarthatees back to health?
You may doubt the plan, but I am confident it would work. The bald eagle was saved from the brink of extinction and is now in steady recovery simply because it was for two hundred years the symbol of our nation; the effort was taken for that species, and not for others, because it would have been profoundly embarrassing if we let the bird stamped on our money go extinct. Ponder that, for a moment: if Ben Franklin's turkey had become our national bird, turkeys would be on our coins, but the bald eagle would at this point have ceased to exist.
Consider product placement opportunities as well. How much would Anheuser-Busch spend to keep the Budweiser falcon from becoming extinct...
My own county, in northern California, is well and truly overwhelmed by invasive starthistle. It has sharp spines and spreads like wildfire: if we rename it Muslimweed, we may be able to enlist federal support in battling it. Hitlerbeetles; the Woolly Ahmadinejad; partialbirthabortovine... with a little inventiveness, the list could go on and on...
It would be a new world. From the forests of mighty Jesus trees to the George W. Bush Memorial Icecap, our planet would suddenly have a fighting chance.
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