[Free Market Fred]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

I got a bit tired of Mrs. Johnson removing the "for sale" sign from her lawn every time I put up a new one, so I decided to sell her car instead. I needed $50.000 for a bet donation to the Church so I am sure Mister Johnson would have approved.

After I sold her car, as usual, she ran onto my property screaming and yelling and those new sound detectors Free Market Fred got me turned out to work very well. The sprinklers now targeted her much faster than before, blasting her before she could even enter my property. I really love this advanced technology.

I must admit events like these make me miss Mister Johnson. He was a great guy and I am very sure he is in Heaven. I still regret the day I killed him, even though that was clearly an accident. I just got my Smith and Wesson 500 and I didn't know yet how powerful it actually was. I was just firing a warning shot at our mailman because he was 5 minutes late. The bullet went through my door, grazed the mailmen as I intended it to, went through a car, hurt the driver, went through my neighbors wall, killed my neighbor, went through another wall and then hurt a few cows. I clearly needed to get used to the power of that gun and unfortunately that lesson did cost my dear neighbor his life. It also caused me some slight legal problems but the Churches lawyers where able to fix all that. I am also fairly certain Mister Johnson does not really mind though. He must be in Heaven for sure and he is now saved from that nagging bitch Mrs. Johnson. She will go to hell for sure and I am certain Mister Johnson will have eternal fun watching her burn.

Mark 16:19 "So then after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God."

Hi Brother Cranky,

I'm glad you enjoyed using the targeted lawn sprinklers. We're working on a newer model that can use a motion detector to fire teargas shells or (optionally) rock salt. Sadly, the federal guvmint still won't let us arm these with 12-gauge shotgun shells, but our lobbyists are working on getting these repressive laws changed. Your second amendment rights are very important to us.

The Smith and Wesson 500 - good choice for a hand carry weapon - can blow someone's head clean off. I realize that this baby (see below) is a little too bulky for a concealed weapon, but you might want to carry one in your pickup truck or SUV:


An armed society is a polite society.

Next time you have a road rage incident with one of them faggoty Toyota Prius cars, one shot is all you'll need. Do pay attention to whatever is behind the car you're targeting, lest you accidentally take out another car, a house or an elementary school.

Note that these are also good for deer hunting. Or whale hunting.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

That does look like a nice gun to have with me in my Hummer. I'll take two. I don't really fish, since fishing is for fags, but killing a whale sounds very interesting. Sharks could be fun too now that I think of it. I wonder if they have trips for that.

Proverbs 12:27 "The slothful man roasteth not that which he took in hunting: but the substance of a diligent man is precious."

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

That does look like a nice gun to have with me in my Hummer. I'll take two. I don't really fish, since fishing is for fags, but killing a whale sounds very interesting. Sharks could be fun too now that I think of it. I wonder if they have trips for that.

Normal fishing is kind of a homo thing, but it's a lot more manly (and profitable) if you do it with poisons like cyanide, electric shock or dynamite.

But it's different with whales. Hey, I enjoy going on whale-hunting expeditions myself. That's not to be confused with "whale-watching," which is a faggot pastime just like "bird-watching." Can't imagine why those homos would want to watch a bird if they're not gonna skin it and cook it - sounds like an unnatural attraction if you ask me.

Anyway, back to whaling - you gotta go with the Japs. They kill hundreds of whales every year for "research" (they research how it tastes). They also research the price - man, you wouldn't believe how much whale meat costs! I'd love to get into that business, but the Yakuza has got it all sewed up. Fortunately, I do have some profitable investments in other endangered species harvesting, like making fur coats from baby harp seals and snow leopards.

In case you get to go whaling, you'll be glad to know that these days they use big-ass harpoon guns. So you can sit back on the deck and enjoy a bottle of scotch, then fire one off when you see a whale. It's cool the way those things squirt blood:



Technology has sure come a long way since the days of Captain Ahab:



Speaking of Ahab, I understand that he never got to kill that white whale. Boy, I'd love to be the one who bags it. No doubt it's the last one in the world - must feel great to be the man who finally wipes out an endangered species.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Cranky, this fellow in Russia takes it to a whole new level!

Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field



A Russian farmer has been convicted of planting landmines around his field to ward off trespassers.
Alexander Skopintsev, from the eastern region of Primorye near China's border, laid the three devices on his land after building them in his garage.
The 73-year-old had apparently been concerned about the frequent theft of potatoes from his farm.
He was arrested after an intruder set off one of the tripwire-style mines in August and was injured in the blast.
Skopintsev was convicted for the unlawful construction and storage of weapons and received a two-and-a-half year suspended sentence.
"Skopintsev testified that he had prepared the explosive devices to protect his garden against thieves," regional prosecutors said in a statement reported by RIA-Novosti news agency.



A few well placed land mines should do the trick.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field

A Russian farmer has been convicted of planting landmines around his field to ward off trespassers.

That's really upsetting, Brother James. The farmer was just exercising his second amendment rights, and now he's in prison. Well, that's what you'd expect in a communist country like Russia. Unfortunately, now that the USA has a Marxist president, I fear we may be heading down that path to a totalitarian society.

Oh, how I long for the days of President Bush! Back then, everyone was allowed to possess guns, grenades and landmines. That's why we had no terrorism back then. As soon as Obama got "elected" (by ACORN!), we've been besieged by homo underwear bombers.


Underwear bomber

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Cranky, this fellow in Russia takes it to a whole new level! Russia farmer convicted of planting landmines in field
Alexander Skopintsev

This makes me sad. I know that fellow. I played correspondence chess with him many years ago. For someone who will go to hell, he is a reasonably bearable guy. I never had any theft myself. Maybe my shoot first ask questions later approach has something to do with that. Anyway, I have to figure out where they are keeping Alexander so I can send him a letter to let him know we are thinking about him. It must really suck to live in Russia.

[Nobar King]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Have you considered lasers?

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Have you considered lasers?

Yes but I prefer water.

I almost lost my sprinkler system because some weird Kong Negro tried to visit me. He was of course blasted away but somehow the idiot could not handle a few drops of water and tried to force me to remove the sprinklers. Fortunately Landover's lawyers fixed this for me. Next time I will use the M203 Assault Rifles I bought from Brother Halleluyah Rob in a yard sale to handle this. I sold some of Mrs. Johnson's annoying cows to pay for them. I am sure Mr. Johnson would have agreed with me on this.

By the way Mrs. Johnson is very angry at me, just because I cut some of her redwoods for my fireplace. That wood is much tougher than one would expect, but it burns excellently. It seems that woman's main purpose in life is to whine.

A few days ago Free Market Fred took me on a short dynamite whale fishing trip. It was awesome! It seems fishing can be a man's sport after all!

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Yes but I prefer water.

I almost lost my sprinkler system because some weird Kong Negro tried to visit me. He was of course blasted away but somehow the idiot could not handle a few drops of water and tried to force me to remove the sprinklers. Fortunately Landover's lawyers fixed this for me. Next time I will use the M203 Assault Rifles I bought from Brother Halleluyah Rob in a yard sale to handle this.

I commend you on your upgrade from non-lethal to lethal methods of crowd control. However, if a couple of little Christian kids cross your property line and you're feeling sort of tender-hearted and don't want to shoot them, consider another one of my company's fine products, the Freedom Water Cannon:


The "Welcome Wagon" at a recent G8 meeting

It's perfectly humane, and has withstood the test of time. During those G8 meetings they're always having in Euroweenieland, the Freedom Water Cannon is the preferred method of crowd control when the TV camera crews are around:


Did anyone bring the shampoo?

When the camera crews are gone, that's when the peace officers roll out the nightsticks, rubber bullets, and tasers (set to maximum voltage), as the Lord intended.


Peace Officers exercising their right to "free expression"

Personally, I think it's a little wimpy to use rubber bullets, but them liberals kick up a big fuss whenever we use hollow points.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

High pressure water works wonders repelling undesirables. I remember being a lad of 15 and visiting my uncle down in Mississippi, and there was all these unruly negroes in the streets. Well, the cops and firemen wouldn't have any of that and washed them away with firehoses. They scattered like roaches.

My cousin was a firefighter at the time and he let me help him hold the hose. We got some old negress straight in the head and the pressure of it knocked her to the floor. I don't think she got up after that. Ah, fun memories!

Probably the first wash they'd had in weeks. I hope they were grateful.

What you need is one of these babies. Brother BJ and his boys in security have a couple and they just rave about them.

Have you ever had the privilege of getting to see them go out on a mass street baptism with one of those? Really fills your heart with joy for Jesus, that does.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

Brother Nobar pointed me to this article: University Park man slain after dog urinates on lawn.

I think it is totally outrageous that this man gets into trouble for killing the owner of an annoying dog that should not have been alive in the first place. Just after reading this I immediately shot one of Mrs. Johnson's dogs to make sure Jesus has a smile on his face again.

[Nobar King]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

I immediately shot one of Mrs. Johnson's dogs to make sure Jesus has a smile on his face again.

You know she'll just get another one.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

You know she'll just get another one.

Good point, I just shot another one to make up for that.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

No matter how many for sale signs I put in the lawn of Mrs. Johnson, she keeps removing them. So I thought it was time for a new approach. I got some timer delayed pressure sensitive landmines from Free Market Fred. So this time I didn't just put up the for sale sign, but I also surrounded the sign with the landmines.

Unfortunately Mrs. Johnson seems to have an almost unlimited supply of dogs. She just kept sending dogs to the sign until all landmines exploded and then removed the sign. I suppose the only upside to this is there will be less barking from now on.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Looking for a high-pressure sprinkler system

No matter how many for sale signs I put in the lawn of Mrs. Johnson, she keeps removing them. So I thought it was time for a new approach. I got some timer delayed pressure sensitive landmines from Free Market Fred. So this time I didn't just put up the for sale sign, but I also surrounded the sign with the landmines.

Unfortunately Mrs. Johnson seems to have an almost unlimited supply of dogs. She just kept sending dogs to the sign until all landmines exploded and then removed the sign. I suppose the only upside to this is there will be less barking from now on.

What ever you do, DO NOT attempt to stone her car, she had me tossed in jail for it. I wonder if a camouflaged bear pit might work. If she falls in to it, fill in the pit.