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  • Chester Longshire
    Forum Member
    Forum Member
    • Dec 2013
    • 172
    #1

    Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

    Greetings my fellow Christians,
    I cannot begin to expound on the holy joy that is swelling up in my old bosom, upon finding a Godly website on this hell-driven growth of pipes known as the internet.

    My name is Mr. Longshire, I am from the North. I live in a cabin by myself with only the Holy Ghost and my KJV bible.

    I am thrice a widow, and am looking for an obedient, chaste wife who walks in all the ways of the Lord. My last wife I married last week. She was from Thailand, and I must say I am not into women of this country anymore for they seem to be less than fully virtuous despite what they tell you on their advertisements. She has now given up the Ghost and has passed on to the Lord.

    Finding myself a batchelor yet again, I am once more looking for a Mrs. Longshire to give me warmth and a good hearth during the cold winters in this Godly Northern Wood.

    My favorite bible verse iseuteronomy 22:20-21

    If Landover has any virgins of good Christian upbringing, please keep me in mind.
    This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN
    Tags: None
    • Mark L. Snyde, PhD
      True Christian™
      True Christian™
      • Nov 2013
      • 1284
      #2
      Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

      Greetings, Mr. Longshire!

      The True Christian™ men looking to rid themselves of their bothersome daughters will have more trust in you if you post a proper introduction. We get many degenerates coming here to mock God, that we look for a good introduction to see where a person stands before the Almighty.

      Perhaps you will soon be blessed with a beautiful young white bride, strong enough to go the distance, rather than some squinty-eyed shrieking banshee who broke so easily.

      It sounds like you walk closely with The Lord. I will pray fervently for your success.
      sigpic

      I Kings 7:23

      And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

      New here? Desiring to be pleasing in the eyes of The Lord and His Followers?

      Then do as directed by our esteemed Pastors and head on over to the Introductions subforum and make your first post there, friend. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. Anything else you want to share with us about how Jesus has blessed you is welcomed too.

      Are you a hater of God that believes He is a morally bankrupt monster? Read Why, you ask, is God so angry? to see that it is in fact you that is the monster that mercilessly and infinitely torments God.

      Stop this relentless torturing of God and accept Jesus today!

        Comment

        • Mary Etheldreda
          Gushing for Jesus
           
          • Sep 2011
          • 23775
          #3
          Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

          That's nice. Tell us what church you go to why that is your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.
          Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

            Comment

            • Chester Longshire
              Forum Member
              Forum Member
              • Dec 2013
              • 172
              #4
              Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

              I attend the Mt. Zion Holy Baptist church, and my favorite bible verse is deuteronomy 22:20-21.

              I was first touched by Our Lord when I was a boy in my cabin, having been brought to the Lord with the fervant, edifying support of my uncle Rob, who is now with the Lord.
              This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                Comment

                • Naomi Ruth Lamb
                  True Christian™
                  True Christian™
                  • Nov 2013
                  • 999
                  #5
                  Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                  Welcome, Mr. Longshire: I am pleased that you've joined us. You're just in time to sample my Christmas pie! Once I read your post, I went in my prayer closet to ask Jesus to send you a helpmeet. God does not want you to be alone (Genesis 2:18) so I feel confident that a young, fertile, and comely woman will find her way into your life, provided that you love the Lord and place your faith in Him. 1 Corinthians 6:13 Unfortunately, I shall never find a man, but if you are in need of a housekeeper or cook, you may speak to my father. Both my parents are likely ashamed to have an old maid for a daughter. Although they have never expressed this, in my heart I know I am a burden to them. Forgive me for taking so much of your time, Sir. God bless you richly! NRL
                  1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
                  Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
                  Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
                  Locations in 50 States and Canada
                  !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
                  Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
                  Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

                    Comment

                    • James Hutchins
                      True Christian™
                      Just a Regular Nice Guy
                       
                      • Jun 2009
                      • 29453
                      #6
                      Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                      Welcome Chester, didn't you work for that joo, Jack Benny?
                      Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
                      Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
                      Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
                      Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
                      Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
                      Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

                        Comment

                        • FreeFromBrains
                          Unsaved trash, teenaged fool
                          • May 2012
                          • 389
                          #7
                          Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                          Originally posted by Chester Longshire View Post
                          in my cabin, .
                          I've never heard it called that before.
                          A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back. Proverbs 26:3

                            Comment

                            • Chester Longshire
                              Forum Member
                              Forum Member
                              • Dec 2013
                              • 172
                              #8
                              Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                              Originally posted by Mark L. Snyde, PhD View Post
                              Greetings, Mr. Longshire!

                              The True Christian™ men looking to rid themselves of their bothersome daughters will have more trust in you if you post a proper introduction. We get many degenerates coming here to mock God, that we look for a good introduction to see where a person stands before the Almighty.

                              Perhaps you will soon be blessed with a beautiful young white bride, strong enough to go the distance, rather than some squinty-eyed shrieking banshee who broke so easily.

                              It sounds like you walk closely with The Lord. I will pray fervently for your success.
                              Thank you Dr. Snyde. It is good to know that there are good Christian scientists out there. So many scientists, it seems to me, use "science" as an excuse to practice buggery and worship the false, obese demon "booda."
                              Buddhism and science - Wikipedia
                              http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhism_and_science
                              This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                                Comment

                                • Mark L. Snyde, PhD
                                  True Christian™
                                  True Christian™
                                  • Nov 2013
                                  • 1284
                                  #9
                                  Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                                  Originally posted by Chester Longshire View Post
                                  Thank you Dr. Snyde. It is good to know that there are good Christian scientists out there. So many scientists, it seems to me, use "science" as an excuse to practice buggery and worship the false, obese demon "booda."
                                  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhism_and_science
                                  Yes, science is only useful when it has the eternal Truth of The Word of God at its foundation. Removing that solid and necessary foundation reduces all of science to an organized system of ignorance.

                                  Secular science has been used through the ages to sodomize the young minds of the ignorant, assuring only a ready-made path to Satan's barbed and prehensile tallywhacker.
                                  sigpic

                                  I Kings 7:23

                                  And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

                                  New here? Desiring to be pleasing in the eyes of The Lord and His Followers?

                                  Then do as directed by our esteemed Pastors and head on over to the Introductions subforum and make your first post there, friend. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. Anything else you want to share with us about how Jesus has blessed you is welcomed too.

                                  Are you a hater of God that believes He is a morally bankrupt monster? Read Why, you ask, is God so angry? to see that it is in fact you that is the monster that mercilessly and infinitely torments God.

                                  Stop this relentless torturing of God and accept Jesus today!

                                    Comment

                                    • Chester Longshire
                                      Forum Member
                                      Forum Member
                                      • Dec 2013
                                      • 172
                                      #10
                                      Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                                      Originally posted by James Hutchins View Post
                                      Welcome Chester, didn't you work for that joo, Jack Benny?
                                      I would never work for a joo. I build log cabins for Christians and wild Indians (when they convert from worshiping Satan). I joo I would never service.

                                      Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. John 8:44
                                      This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                                        Comment

                                        • Mark L. Snyde, PhD
                                          True Christian™
                                          True Christian™
                                          • Nov 2013
                                          • 1284
                                          #11
                                          Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                                          Originally posted by Chester Longshire View Post
                                          I would never work for a joo. I build log cabins for Christians and wild Indians (when they convert from worshiping Satan). I joo I would never service.

                                          Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. John 8:44
                                          Please do not be offended by any questions you may be asked by the True Christians(tm) here. Our questions are carefully constructed to ferret out the mockers and trolls that come here to try to have fun at our expense and defecate on our sacred beliefs.

                                          Just answer such questions honestly and politely.
                                          sigpic

                                          I Kings 7:23

                                          And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

                                          New here? Desiring to be pleasing in the eyes of The Lord and His Followers?

                                          Then do as directed by our esteemed Pastors and head on over to the Introductions subforum and make your first post there, friend. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. Anything else you want to share with us about how Jesus has blessed you is welcomed too.

                                          Are you a hater of God that believes He is a morally bankrupt monster? Read Why, you ask, is God so angry? to see that it is in fact you that is the monster that mercilessly and infinitely torments God.

                                          Stop this relentless torturing of God and accept Jesus today!

                                            Comment

                                            • Chester Longshire
                                              Forum Member
                                              Forum Member
                                              • Dec 2013
                                              • 172
                                              #12
                                              Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                                              Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
                                              Welcome, Mr. Longshire: I am pleased that you've joined us. You're just in time to sample my Christmas pie! Once I read your post, I went in my prayer closet to ask Jesus to send you a helpmeet. God does not want you to be alone (Genesis 2:18) so I feel confident that a young, fertile, and comely woman will find her way into your life, provided that you love the Lord and place your faith in Him. 1 Corinthians 6:13 Unfortunately, I shall never find a man, but if you are in need of a housekeeper or cook, you may speak to my father. Both my parents are likely ashamed to have an old maid for a daughter. Although they have never expressed this, in my heart I know I am a burden to them. Forgive me for taking so much of your time, Sir. God bless you richly! NRL
                                              I will pray for your infertility, dear Naomi. But I would not give up finding a husband just yet:
                                              Was not Sarai a barren, worthless wench before THE LORD blessed her with a quiverful of Israelite Soldiers of God?
                                              Genesis 11:30 - Terah's Descendants
                                              http://biblehub.com/genesis/11-30.htm
                                              But Sarai was barren; she had no children.


                                              20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
                                              Bible Gateway passage: Matthew 17:20 - King James Version
                                              http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+17%3A20&version=KJV
                                              And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.


                                              With God all things are possible.
                                              This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                                                Comment

                                                • Chester Longshire
                                                  Forum Member
                                                  Forum Member
                                                  • Dec 2013
                                                  • 172
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                                                  Originally posted by Mark L. Snyde, PhD View Post
                                                  Please do not be offended by any questions you may be asked by the True Christians™ here. Our questions are carefully constructed to ferret out the mockers and trolls that come here to try to have fun at our expense and defecate on our sacred beliefs.

                                                  Just answer such questions honestly and politely.
                                                  I kindly thank you for your edification, Dr. Snyde.

                                                  My remark was not directed towards True Christians but the joos who are of the Synagogue of Satan.

                                                  Regarding scum-sucking atheist trolls who would mock the Lord, we both know who will be mocked in the end. I look forward to the day when I can see all atheists, mary-worshippers, moooslums, joos, and boodists all roasting in a lake of fire.


                                                  Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. - Galatians 6:7
                                                  This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                                                    Comment

                                                    • Mark L. Snyde, PhD
                                                      True Christian™
                                                      True Christian™
                                                      • Nov 2013
                                                      • 1284
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                                                      Originally posted by Chester Longshire View Post
                                                      ...
                                                      Regarding scum-sucking atheist trolls who would mock the Lord, we both know who will be mocked in the end. I look forward to the day when I can see all atheists, mary-worshippers, moooslums, joos, and boodists all roasting in a lake of fire.


                                                      Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. - Galatians 6:7

                                                      Amen! I too look forward with eager anticipation to watching all those who foolishly denied God get what they so richly deserve. Their eternal screams of agony and the gnashing of their teeth will be music to my ears.
                                                      sigpic

                                                      I Kings 7:23

                                                      And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

                                                      New here? Desiring to be pleasing in the eyes of The Lord and His Followers?

                                                      Then do as directed by our esteemed Pastors and head on over to the Introductions subforum and make your first post there, friend. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. Anything else you want to share with us about how Jesus has blessed you is welcomed too.

                                                      Are you a hater of God that believes He is a morally bankrupt monster? Read Why, you ask, is God so angry? to see that it is in fact you that is the monster that mercilessly and infinitely torments God.

                                                      Stop this relentless torturing of God and accept Jesus today!

                                                        Comment

                                                        • Chester Longshire
                                                          Forum Member
                                                          Forum Member
                                                          • Dec 2013
                                                          • 172
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: Merry CHRISTmas! (looking for new wife)

                                                          Originally posted by Mark L. Snyde, PhD View Post
                                                          Amen! I too look forward with eager anticipation to watching all those who foolishly denied God get what they so richly deserve. Their eternal screams of agony and the gnashing of their teeth will be music to my ears.
                                                          I am happy to know that True Christian Scientists understand the firm scientific and biblical underpinnings of the absolute and true nature of Hell.

                                                          Sometimes for laughs I watch the false-scientists belly-ache about their dinasaurs and "big bang" (freudian slip anyone?) and other nonsense, and I know that the only thing that can truly be proven is that these people will be going to a lake of aeternal damnation.

                                                          For a Fair and Balanced view of science I enjoy watching this video, which seems to make atheist trolls squirm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyHzhtARf8M
                                                          This space is reserved for posting KJV Scripture ONLY. --ADMIN

                                                            Comment

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