[DolliMoans]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Layla Kuntzqueefer, age 13 - "Hello Dolli, I don't get it. I've been watching Arthur for years, and now his principal looks like he's a butt sniffing homer. I am so confused!



"Rest assured Layla, I would never, under any circumstance, allow any of my kids to watch a fag liberal program like Arthur. If I caught one of mine sneaking to watch such smut, they can bet certainty they'd be getting a belt on their rear with the business end of a stapler gun. The fact is, it's a tv programme about animals doing all sort of lewd acts, unfit for any age.
Leviticus 11:29 “And these are unclean to you among the swarming things that swarm on the ground: the mole rat, the mouse, the great lizard of any kind,

Rats are unclean critters whom God ordained mankind's dominion over. (Genesis 1:26)

It's no surprise that this Mr. Rathburn bears a distinct Jewish nose, which can only mean PBS saw fit to bring a Jewish, fag critter as a TV role model. You dear Layla need to forget this Arthur program immediately, go see your father to wash your eyes out with turpentine and pray to Jesus you have not been brainwashed by liberal opinions over what one can do with rats and other men!

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Sister
I hope you will have time to respond to this child whose note somehow came to me instead of you. I assumed it was meant for you since it is asking for “urgent” help.

Dear Anyone: I have no daddy. Mommy says he went to heaven. I live near Belvidere in Illanoy. Several of my stibalings are dead from various cozzes like getting shotted or drownding while fishing and one got whisked to Oz when my momma insisted they take out the trash in a big windstorm.

I don’t feel safe in my own home. How can I trust Jesess to not let my mom kill me or more of my stibalings? Please help soon sents it sometimes feels my time is short. Thank you.

[DolliMoans]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Brother Larry, thank you for intercepting this note on my behalf. It sounds like the whiny complaint of one certain Mildrew Moans. "...my time is short." is exactly the angsty millennial whine for help so classic of Mildrew. He should know he's not shocking me, or Jesus. I'm looking to have him placed in a reformatory to get the queer cleaned out of him before he's lost for good. With no Mr. Moans about, he has no suitable male role model in his life to show him what's what, and to jump for Jesus when our Lord says Praise! He's a lost and confused nerd shut up in his room. He needn't pester me by writing a sad sack note. This is something I need a the senior youth minster to intercede on. I am very concerned about Mildrew.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Sister Moans

I had no idea the note was possibly from one of your precious lambs. As a great example of motherhood it shocks me that a rogue son would try to undermine your reputation. It is my prayer that dear Mildrew finds Jesus and doesn’t die from mysterious causes.

[DolliMoans]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Brother, did you know I have another son in the incubator? It's a boy! The thing is, its been in there for well over a year, so I am thinking of a baby name in the meantime. I was thinking of something ironical like Cock or Cox, as unlike a rooster, this baby's gunna be laaaaaaaate.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Over a year you say. Hmmm. Have you visited the doctor lately? One more thing about Mildrew and his note: On the envelope it says PLEASE do not let this letter get in the hands of my incompatant mother as she will not be happy and might send me to a reformatory.

Not sure how I missed that. My bad.

[DolliMoans]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

He is a sneaky brat, Larry, clearly Jesus saw what he was up to, for the letter to be sent to you. I've locked Mildrew in the root cellar (There's a few parsnips and drain water) until I've consulted the male church body for insight on appropriate action at this point.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

I think consulting with the male body is proper in this case. I often do when the need arises. But I don’t think locking him away is the answer. Have you tried hugging him and expressing your love for him?

[DolliMoans]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Hold on Larry, a new letter has just arrived.


Dee Penharder, age 14 - "My mommy and daddy have arranged me a new husband, and I'm a little nervous. I overheard daddy say my new husband is black! I don't wanna be wed to a scary nigra. pardon me for the potty talk, but is it true black man have giant penises? Please help me Dolli, I'm worried they are wedding me off to the new neighbor whose black and smells like a Turks bassment when he comes walking by."

"Deary me, Dee, this does sound like a pickle! It doesn't seem you come from from a very Christian neighbor hood, to allow any one to to live there, willy-nilly. Speaking of willy, you don't need to concern your precious little mind over the endowment of your husband. If your parents have any sense, it's likely you are misunderstanding what you overheard, and they are in fact planning to give you off to Conrad Black! Our Glorious Trump has just pardoned him, did you know? His time in false imprisonments surely must have taken a toll on his grieving wife, who will undoubtedly be cast aside for someone who doesn't need Botox to look like a kewpie doll. Keep praying Dee, and this could be your future man of your dreams! His annulment from Babs will come soon, and his Swiss bank account is the only endowment you need to concern over!


((Those feline eyebrows )

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

I can understand why that letter took precedence over my note to you. What a situation. Let's hope it is indeed, the honorable Conrad Black (what an honorable sounding name!) for whom this person is slated.


I had a collect call on my land line (yes, I still have one!) from someone saying they were Lysol Moans. I didn't take it because I wasn't sure if it was actually real. In the world of fake news I would hate to incur charges from an impostor. Here's the message that the operator allowed them to leave: (which is not supposed to happen!)




Mr. Larry please call me Lysol right away when you get this I will pay for the call Mom is nuts and it's getting worse. I know you're a man of great compassion as I've read Mom's computer when she was out with the neighbor many times. She flirtates with him since Dad died. I love you Mr. Larry.

[DolliMoans]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Are you sure it wasn't a certain Edward Curtis Grimace in a cheap wig?

It couldn't possibly be my Lysol. Her body was horribly mutilated after being spun around at 350 mph amongst cows and shards of metal. I'd don't think it would be right of me to post the autopsy photos here.

[BibleReader2231]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

Miss Moans I sent in a question but I don’t see it listed yet so I figured I would ask you directly. As a young female who has been experiencing changes the past three years, I have only had one potential suitor (unfortunately he passed away in a four-wheeling accident). He is no longer with us and I fear that I may be unwed by the time I am 18. My Pa has been working aggressively to find me a potential husband but to no avail. How do I find a husband without being shown off as a “slut” or “hussy” in the eyes of God? Excuse my bad language. It is what my Pa says about atheist women (which I REFUSE to be).

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

No-one worth mentioning is interested in trollops. However as the seasons change different pigments react differently in different light, caused by the sun shining from a different angle. Winter and summer styles use quite specific pigments in the dyes for this reason. Indoor lighting and particularly floodlighting at night, the different types of street lighting, reflective surfaces (water, glass, mirrors, leaves in wooded areas) all have their own effects.

There has been a trend among "certain types" to wear camouflage patterns. For example in woodland at night wearing that khaki & green stuff you would be invisible. Moonlight requires its own pattern, usually the stuff worn by sailors in icefields. It's actually quite attractive. I'll see if I can find a sample…………………

Yes. This is more or less what I was thinking of but I was horrified to learn that, when ordering, it is ESSENTIAL to make sure you've specified FABRIC because SHOES are also available and they are just revolting. A sample of each is included here:

. . . . . . .

As you can see it's not a mistake you'd want to make. The white can be reflective (something like ice is) and particularly at night under those blueish streetlights. The best way to check when buying fabric is to get one of those small battery powered violet lights. Take it along and shine it on the pattern you're looking at. The highlights picked out will be brighter as the sun shines from higher in the sky.

If you'd like some patterns I would be happy to show your Pa a few suitably modest styles. As I say, you don't want to look like a trollop but you don't want to be invisible either.

[Dana723]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

My son John asks:


Why are there contradictions in the Bible? I asked my father and he boxed my ears and told me there were none. But when I read my Bible, I find them all the time. When I asked my mother, she said to ask my father. I am very confused.


We have trouble with that boy sometimes and I think all the boxing of his ears have given him brain damage. Still, maybe you can explain it in a way that will get through to him.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Christian Answers: Inquiring Kids Want to Know

My son John asks:


Why are there contradictions in the Bible? I asked my father and he boxed my ears and told me there were none. But when I read my Bible, I find them all the time. When I asked my mother, she said to ask my father. I am very confused.


We have trouble with that boy sometimes and I think all the boxing of his ears have given him brain damage. Still, maybe you can explain it in a way that will get through to him.

Has he given you an example?