[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Show me a woman in recorded history, not the bible, who has given post-menstrual birth without any medical aid whatsoever. As to the guinness world records woman, I'll have to check what her circumstances were.

The Bible IS recorded history, you dunderheaded witch!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

No it isn't. It's about the same as the fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm, except less interesting.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

If I didn't know that Jesus sent you're heathen hide here to test us, I would be praying so hard for Him to smite you right now.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

If I didn't know that Jesus sent you're heathen hide here to test us, I would be praying so hard for Him to smite you right now.

I believe you meant the possessive your in this case, rather than you are. And hey, with a bit more revamping, the bible could make a much better book of fairytales. It has potential. However, all the talk about rape, genocide, murder, and the endless 'begats' kind of ruin that right there.

Back to Sister Tinny though, by all means let her try, but it just means that whoever marries her will be in for a lot of trying with no baby.
Although most men wouldn't mind that, I guess. *snicker*

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Well, Landover single men, today is your lucky day. After my stint of evangelizing to the mooselims I've decided to finally hunker down and get hitched with a kind, upright Christian(TM) man. Here are some qualities I would prefer:

- White skin (obvious)
- Owner of at least 15 authentic Freehold Press KJV1611 Bibles (two for us, and one for each of our children)
- A good shot (guns, you perverts) OR qualified attack dog trainer
- Well-read in apologetics and Creation Science (Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron's critique on evilution, ex-homer psychology, etc.)

I am especially fond of pastors, preachers, and ministers in Christ(R) as I feel that ministry is my vocation and so sorely needed in this wretched suckular world. However, whomever Jesus sends my way will ultimately be acceptable. I am obedient, submissive (to fellow Christians), virginal, and have full, child-bearing hips to squeeze out your delightful Godly offspring.

Hmmm....It seems obvious that you wrote that with me in mind since I fit all of the qualifications exactly. Unfortunately I am still in mourning for poor Mrs. Pistle who was called home to GOD seven years ago when she fell out of an apple tree into the woodchipper in what can only be described as a very tragic accident. If it were not for the congregation...specifically Sister Sue Vera, who is kind enough to bring me a supper on occasion, my life would surely have been over by now. Even the purchase of Ching Lee, my chink housekeeper was marred because she is a filthy heathen. Though she is insubordinate and won't work, her parents refuse to return my money or take her back. Never trust chinks, may they all burn in hell.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Pastor I recall that tragedy vividly. What a sad day for the entire congregation. What is truly sad is that it came immediately after that tiff over the new Lamborghini purchase, as I recall it -- if only that could have been resolved before God chose to revoke her lease on life. Such a shame that her time had to come at such an inopportune moment! I trust that the dear Ms. Vera was able to bring you peace and relaxation in the way that only a woman can.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Remind me, Pastor, how was it that the woodchipper happened to be right under her when she happened to be on the roof, and how it was that it happened to be on at the time?

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

I believe you meant the possessive your in this case, rather than you are. And hey, with a bit more revamping, the bible could make a much better book of fairytales. It has potential. However, all the talk about rape, genocide, murder, and the endless 'begats' kind of ruin that right there.

Back to Sister Tinny though, by all means let her try, but it just means that whoever marries her will be in for a lot of trying with no baby.
Although most men wouldn't mind that, I guess. *snicker*

No, I meant "you are heathen face". It's a colloquialism, witch.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

No, I meant "you are heathen face". It's a colloquialism, witch.

Nice try, but it still doesn't make sense. *snicker*

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Remind me, Pastor, how was it that the woodchipper happened to be right under her when she happened to be on the roof, and how it was that it happened to be on at the time?

Er....I'm sorry, but the details are too painful for me to recall...without a lawyer present.

[Brother Love]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Remind me, Pastor, how was it that the woodchipper happened to be right under her when she happened to be on the roof, and how it was that it happened to be on at the time?

Just what are you suggesting HEATHEN WITCH? How dare you take beloved Pastor Al's healing wounds and try to RIP them open again! Have you no shame? Of course you don't! Keep jacking your pie hole, WITCH, and you'll find yourself the next "guest of honor" at LBC's next Cross Lighting Ceremony.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Nice try, but it still doesn't make sense. *snicker*

Who said colloquialisms have to make sense? Have you ever listened to a gang of teenage hiphoppers? How about an inbred Kentucky family? It's just a term I picked up in the convent, and sometimes it slips out.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Er....I'm sorry, but the details are too painful for me to recall...without a lawyer present.

Well, I hope that you keep the woodchipper safely away from Ching Lee when she has to go to clean on the roof!

Just what are you suggesting HEATHEN WITCH? How dare you take beloved Pastor Al's healing wounds and try to RIP them open again! Have you no shame? Of course you don't! Keep jacking your pie hole, WITCH, and you'll find yourself the next "guest of honor" at LBC's next Cross Lighting Ceremony.

Not unless I or you learn to teleport .
Simply pointing out a few odd things. It just seems very weird that the woodchipper was in such an odd place where it would have been much more useful in a different part of the yard, and there just happened to be loose tile (it was loose tile, wasn't it, Pastor Al?) and the woodchipper happened to be EXACTLY under where the loose tile was.
Just a little strange is all.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Not unless I or you learn to teleport.

I am assigning you 1,000 infraction points for butchering God's preferred language (American), and for advocating sorcery in His favorite forum.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband.

Sheesh, one typo and you go nuts.
As to teleportation, I'm not advocating it, I'm merely stating that unless you learn it, I won't be at any of your bonfires.