[Pastor Ezekiel]

Brothers, we have all been in those uncomfortable situations when a woman starts asking questions that seem simple enough, but are actually satanic traps designed to ruin an entire weekend.

The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a Man are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if we Men answer incorrectly (i.e tell the truth). Sometimes there is just not an easy Biblical answer for these situations, (outside of a good backhand). Therefore, as a public service, I have analyzed each question below, along with some possible Manly responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

• Baseball.
• Football.
• How fat you are.
• How much prettier she is than you.
• How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

• I suppose so.
• Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
• That depends on what you mean by love.
• Does it matter?
• Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

• Compared to what?
• I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
• A little extra weight looks good on you.
• I've seen fatter.
• Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

• Yes, but you have a better personality
• Not prettier, but definitely thinner
• Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
• Define 'pretty'
• Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

She....Would you get married again?
He.....Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Good luck guys! I hope my advice here has helped.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

That is very sound advice, Brother. When dear Mrs Pistle was still with us and since, on the rare occasion I date someone, I have a little funny I use when they call me:

RING, RING,

Me: Hello?
SUV or other tart: Hi hon!
Me: HI! Who's this?

Before going to the evening prayer meeting.

Date: Does this make my a$$ look fat?
Me: You betcha!

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Brothers, we have all been in those uncomfortable situations when a woman starts asking questions that seem simple enough, but are actually satanic traps designed to ruin an entire weekend.

The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a Man are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

Hmmm, I'd say the best answers are:
1. Jesus
2. Yes, but nowhere near as much as I love Jesus!
3. Don't worry about it, lardo, I'm sure even Mary got a bit porky when she was knocked up by GOD with Our Lord and Saviour.
4. No, but Jesus is.
5. Wait to join you in Heaven, where you can serve Jesus and me for eternity.

[SUV]

Boys; BOYS! Don't be Angry! I only stopped in for a quick moment in order to Tempt you with some of these "Chupacabra Chimichangas" with green Christmas Sauce that Mother Glynndie fixed and were leftover in The Lounge:



Except I'm not Giving Any to Pastor Pistle any more, so don't y'all, either.....

Now! I was just about to Chastise Pastor Ezekiel for not promoting "JESUS!" as the Correct answer for Question #2, but there! I see Bro. Temperance has already thoroughly mined that territory.

(All Right! All Right, I am leaving, then! No need to get so Violent!!!)

[Marshall]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a Man are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

1:Killing Islamists for Jesus.
2:After Jesus? Sure. You're my silver medal.
3:Nothing a diet and eating less won't fix.
4:Of course I do, but she's not fat so do you blame me?
5:Try and get a newer model so I can make more babies for Jesus Army.

[Darren Ingram-Myers]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a Man are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

1. How much I love you — and also what a great team you and I make in fighting racism, sexism, and classism; what postmodernism teaches us about ending war, hunger, and oppression; what I need to do to prepare my lecture notes for the next seminar on Derrida, and what I can do with the leftover tempeh in the fridge.
2. Of course I love you. Please don't stress the I/you duality too much, since it places too much emphasis on the individual and not enough on the collective, but other than that, I do love you.
3. Please don't buy into the body fascism that the conservative corporate establishment uses to objectify and oppress women and get them to buy more stuff that they don't need, thereby greasing the gears of capitalism.
4. See above.
5. I would grieve for you, of course, but I would also give thanks for your life to Mother/Father God and commend your soul to God. If I got enough insurance money, I could be a stay-at-home dad for Kayla, and I'm sure that would be very empowering for her.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Have a look at Darren's answers, landoverites. Right there are answers that would not get you castrated. (Except that last one, if my husband starting talking about 'commending my soul to god' I'd be suspicious that someone slipped something in his drink!)

Thankyou, Darren for a half-decent response in the middle of all that chauvinistic drek.

[eliot mayfield]

I don't know. I just feel a woman doesn't have the nedd to be asking questions in the first place.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing

Have a look at Darren's answers, landoverites.

Thank you for pointing them out. Now that I have read some of them it becomes clear that "Darren" is probably "Darlene".

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle

Thank you for pointing them out. Now that I have read some of them it becomes clear that "Darren" is probably "Darlene".

Better a liberal girlie-man than a bumbling gorilla like GWB. Of course, he might have taken the whole sweetness thing a bit TOO far.....but still better than a bumbling gorilla.

[Tervie]

Originally Posted by Darren Ingram-Myers

1. How much I love you — and also what a great team you and I make in fighting racism, sexism, and classism; what postmodernism teaches us about ending war, hunger, and oppression; what I need to do to prepare my lecture notes for the next seminar on Derrida, and what I can do with the leftover tempeh in the fridge.
2. Of course I love you. Please don't stress the I/you duality too much, since it places too much emphasis on the individual and not enough on the collective, but other than that, I do love you.
3. Please don't buy into the body fascism that the conservative corporate establishment uses to objectify and oppress women and get them to buy more stuff that they don't need, thereby greasing the gears of capitalism.
4. See above.
5. I would grieve for you, of course, but I would also give thanks for your life to Mother/Father God and commend your soul to God. If I got enough insurance money, I could be a stay-at-home dad for Kayla, and I'm sure that would be very empowering for her.

*applauds* very nicely done, not that I've ever heard any girl ask the majority of of those questions to her signifigant other - the fat one i've heard, but not the others. I suppose it's good to have an answer, just in case (females can be vindictive at times, anyone else noticed that?) Besides, in the 'wonderful' Landover society, would your poor women *cough* slaves *cough* even have the will power to speak up?

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing

(Except that last one, if my husband starting talking about 'commending my soul to god' I'd be suspicious that someone slipped something in his drink!)

I'd be suspicious, too. How could anyone still have hope for your salvation?

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing

Have a look at Darren's answers, landoverites. Right there are answers that would not get you castrated. (Except that last one, if my husband starting talking about 'commending my soul to god' I'd be suspicious that someone slipped something in his drink!)

Thankyou, Darren for a half-decent response in the middle of all that chauvinistic drek.

Well, if Hellsinner's chasing after the communist hippy means us poor True Christian™ menfolk get a break from her unnatural attentions for a few minutes, that can only be a good thing, I suppose.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Even if I were not married I wouldn't be flirting with you guys. You're all horrid, all of you!

I daresay any girl you're interested in won't be happy to know you're thinking about her future value in life insurance.

[hellion]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Brothers, we have all been in those uncomfortable situations when a woman starts asking questions that seem simple enough, but are actually satanic traps designed to ruin an entire weekend.

The 5 toughest questions a woman can ask a Man are:
What men should answer if they were really in love.

1. What are you thinking about? You.
2. Do you love me? Yes.
3. Do I look fat? You look perfect, like always.
4. Do you think she is prettier than me? Are you kidding? How could anyone be prettier than you?
5. What would you do if I died?You wouldn't. I'd save you.

See, that wasn't so hard! You men just need to think a little. Or perhaps a lot...

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by hellion

See, that wasn't so hard! You men just need to think a little. Or perhaps a lot...

Are you asking us to lie? One again, the secularists show their contempt for morality.

[not_satan]

aaaaahahaha......damn this stuff is halarious....and sadly so so true

[hellion]

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance

Are you asking us to lie? One again, the secularists show their contempt for morality.

Maybe you need to lie because you can't find love. Maybe that's why you're so up-tight and angry all the time, because you can't truelly love. All you can love is your idiotic beliefs.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Originally Posted by hellion

Maybe you need to lie because you can't find love.

I don't need to lie because I have found love — true love, the kind described in the following Scripture passage:

Eph. 5:22-24: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.

Maybe that's why you're so up-tight and angry all the time, because you can't truelly love.

Uptight and angry all the time? Us?



Maybe you're so uptight and angry all the time because you just don't want to accept God's plan for you as a female.

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by More Saved Than Thou

I don't need to lie because I have found love — true love, the kind described in the following Scripture passage:

Eph. 5:22-24: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.

Uptight and angry all the time? Us?

Is that Michael Richards on the left there?

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, love. We True Christians are FULL of love, as God commands:
Deuteronomy 6:5 And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.