Two new Christian games to replace Pokemon!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

I'm pleased to announce the upcoming release of two hot new video games sure to replace Pokemon in the hearts of children everywhere!

These games are designed in the spirit of Pokemon, but with a Christian twist.

Players of the games are designated as Pokémon Trainers, and the two general goals (in most Pokémon games) for such Trainers are: to complete the Pokédex by collecting all of the available Pokémon species found in the real region where that game takes place; and to train a team of powerful Pokémon from those they have caught to compete against teams owned by other Trainers, and eventually become the strongest Trainer, the Pokémon Master.

You see, the Pokemon game is about going out and capturing animals, then enslaving them, and using them to fight on behalf of their Master.

The game teaches children that it's OK to enslave inferior creatures and use them to fight for the child's amusement or to perform other labors. Unfortunately, Pokemon (short for "Pocket Monsters") places demons in the role of slave. That means the children are conjuring demons!

These two fine Christian videogames are currently in beta-testing:

Capture the Negroes: This MMORPG begins with a history lesson. You see your ancestors traveling to Africa to purchase black slaves from other tribes, who captured one another and sold each other off to white people. But then, horrors, Abraham Lincoln frees the slaves, leading to a population boom and the creation of the welfare state.

Set in present day America, you play a factory owner in Dearborn, Michigan. Labor unions have driven the cost of labor so high that you're considering relocating operations to China, as most of your fellow industrialists have done. But then Congress passes the "Re-Enslavement Act", which allows the enslavement of any Negro who doesn't have a job!

Your role is to capture as many Negroes as you can find, in competition with the other players. Once they are captured and fitted with electronic shock collars, the Negroes will do your bidding -- working in the factory, fighting other slave-collectors, and more. JUST LIKE in Pokemon, only without demons!

Once you've collected 200 slaves, you can join forces in corporate mergers with other collectors. The goal? GOTTA GET 'EM ALL!

The second game can be played against the computer, or against an opponent.

Michael Vick's DOGFIGHT: Your job is to adopt dogs from animal shelters, train them up to be fighting dogs, and then pit them against one another in duels to the death!

Just like in Pokemon, once you "own" the animal, it will fight for your amusement!

I hope the True Christians™ here will consider these games as stocking stuffers! PM me to place orders; we expect to ship by December 15.

Both games are available in PC and PSP formats. Nintendo DS format will be available in February.

[Pastor Ed Lowman]

Re: Two new Christian games to replace Pokemon!

Using the devil's weapons against him! Marvelous. I love them. Absolutely love them. And I can't even think of a way to improve upon them.

But, if I may speak candidly, I'd really like to see my son's game idea come to reality--the one my son submitted for your consideration called LA Doll vs. Christians.

In my son's game, unsaved users get to play level one as a typical LA trollop who has to carry around a restraining order against her abusive minority ex-boyfriend, Jerome. But if she misses, he bitchslaps her and game over.

Saved™ users come into the game on level two where the user plays a gun-wielding Baptist preacher, elder, or deacon fighting off Latino vermin.

Please get back to me on that.

Pastor Ed

[Good Christian Woman]

Re: Two new Christian games to replace Pokemon!

Genius games, Rev. Shout Glory!