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Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada"
Hallelujah!
Brothers and sisters in Christ, as you are all aware, this year's Mission to Australia has been an enormous success. Thousands of Australien souls have been saved through the efforts of our brave missionaries, forever turned away from lives of drunkenness and crime and the tithes coming in from our new southern franchise (built ahead of schedule!) will help ensure God's coffers are kept brimming come the Glory! PRAISE! But that's not all. Word came in last week from Brother Abner Jenkins that they now have their very first EX-ABO! Yes, ALL things are possible through Christ! PRAISE JESUS!
But now we turn our attentions to another threat much closer to home. Soviet Canuckistan. I know that many of you had your hearts set on the next mission being to Jamaica, but that will have to wait for another year. Thanks to the financial crisis set off by the "election" of Osama Barack, we have been forced to send our missionary teams in by bus this time around and the Canuckistanis are closer to Iowa than the Mexican'ts. We also don't know how long we have to act, because God saw fit to re-install a rare Godly Canuckistani as their president, Mr. Steven Harper, and we want our missionaries to get in and get to work before the homersexual, marihuana-smoking commies who make up most of their population wake up from the drug-induced hazes, realize that they have a decent conservative president, and stage a revolt armed with ice picks and hockey sticks (guns are illegal up there despite Mr. Harper's best attempts to get their activist courts to pay heed to the Second Amendment).
The missionaries will arrive in Canaduh on July 5th (in case they are eaten by eskimo savages, we want them to enjoy one last Independence Day in a land of freedom) as we want to wait until the ice covering the barren wasteland up north is at its thinnest. All buses will be equipped with premium winter tires and snow chains, so don't worry about them sliding off the worn paths the Canuckistanis call "roads". They will visit all three major towns - Tonto, Vancouver, and Montreal - with stops at several decent sized villages such as Moose Jaw and Winnipeg.
Unfortunately Brother Abner will not be available to lead the team again this year, as he is stuck in Australia for the forseeable future thanks to the restrictions on flying to Gold Level tithers and above, plus there is still much more work for him to do. Instead, another brave Silver Tither has stepped up to risk his life. God bless you, Brother Wilfred Abernathy. This team of of Silver, Bronze, and Tin Tithers will be putting everything on the line to bring Jesus to the snowy heathens.
The dangers they will face are many. Frostbite, starvation, eskimos, injuns, sodomites, sodomite "marriage", marihuana smokers everywhere, hockey players, the filthy rock and roll stylings of Celine Dion and April Lavine just to name a few. But the LORD will be with our brave missionaries once again!
More details will be coming as they are out, but you can start praying for success now.
Brothers and sisters in Christ, as you are all aware, this year's Mission to Australia has been an enormous success. Thousands of Australien souls have been saved through the efforts of our brave missionaries, forever turned away from lives of drunkenness and crime and the tithes coming in from our new southern franchise (built ahead of schedule!) will help ensure God's coffers are kept brimming come the Glory! PRAISE! But that's not all. Word came in last week from Brother Abner Jenkins that they now have their very first EX-ABO! Yes, ALL things are possible through Christ! PRAISE JESUS!
But now we turn our attentions to another threat much closer to home. Soviet Canuckistan. I know that many of you had your hearts set on the next mission being to Jamaica, but that will have to wait for another year. Thanks to the financial crisis set off by the "election" of Osama Barack, we have been forced to send our missionary teams in by bus this time around and the Canuckistanis are closer to Iowa than the Mexican'ts. We also don't know how long we have to act, because God saw fit to re-install a rare Godly Canuckistani as their president, Mr. Steven Harper, and we want our missionaries to get in and get to work before the homersexual, marihuana-smoking commies who make up most of their population wake up from the drug-induced hazes, realize that they have a decent conservative president, and stage a revolt armed with ice picks and hockey sticks (guns are illegal up there despite Mr. Harper's best attempts to get their activist courts to pay heed to the Second Amendment).
The missionaries will arrive in Canaduh on July 5th (in case they are eaten by eskimo savages, we want them to enjoy one last Independence Day in a land of freedom) as we want to wait until the ice covering the barren wasteland up north is at its thinnest. All buses will be equipped with premium winter tires and snow chains, so don't worry about them sliding off the worn paths the Canuckistanis call "roads". They will visit all three major towns - Tonto, Vancouver, and Montreal - with stops at several decent sized villages such as Moose Jaw and Winnipeg.
Unfortunately Brother Abner will not be available to lead the team again this year, as he is stuck in Australia for the forseeable future thanks to the restrictions on flying to Gold Level tithers and above, plus there is still much more work for him to do. Instead, another brave Silver Tither has stepped up to risk his life. God bless you, Brother Wilfred Abernathy. This team of of Silver, Bronze, and Tin Tithers will be putting everything on the line to bring Jesus to the snowy heathens.
The dangers they will face are many. Frostbite, starvation, eskimos, injuns, sodomites, sodomite "marriage", marihuana smokers everywhere, hockey players, the filthy rock and roll stylings of Celine Dion and April Lavine just to name a few. But the LORD will be with our brave missionaries once again!
More details will be coming as they are out, but you can start praying for success now.
Think of the countless (admittedly smelly) souls we could Save there? 
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