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flag Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 12:18 AM

Hallelujah!
Brothers and sisters in Christ, as you are all aware, this year's Mission to Australia has been an enormous success. Thousands of Australien souls have been saved through the efforts of our brave missionaries, forever turned away from lives of drunkenness and crime and the tithes coming in from our new southern franchise (built ahead of schedule!) will help ensure God's coffers are kept brimming come the Glory! PRAISE! But that's not all. Word came in last week from Brother Abner Jenkins that they now have their very first EX-ABO! Yes, ALL things are possible through Christ! PRAISE JESUS!
But now we turn our attentions to another threat much closer to home. Soviet Canuckistan. I know that many of you had your hearts set on the next mission being to Jamaica, but that will have to wait for another year. Thanks to the financial crisis set off by the "election" of Osama Barack, we have been forced to send our missionary teams in by bus this time around and the Canuckistanis are closer to Iowa than the Mexican'ts. We also don't know how long we have to act, because God saw fit to re-install a rare Godly Canuckistani as their president, Mr. Steven Harper, and we want our missionaries to get in and get to work before the homersexual, marihuana-smoking commies who make up most of their population wake up from the drug-induced hazes, realize that they have a decent conservative president, and stage a revolt armed with ice picks and hockey sticks (guns are illegal up there despite Mr. Harper's best attempts to get their activist courts to pay heed to the Second Amendment).
The missionaries will arrive in Canaduh on July 5th (in case they are eaten by eskimo savages, we want them to enjoy one last Independence Day in a land of freedom) as we want to wait until the ice covering the barren wasteland up north is at its thinnest. All buses will be equipped with premium winter tires and snow chains, so don't worry about them sliding off the worn paths the Canuckistanis call "roads". They will visit all three major towns - Tonto, Vancouver, and Montreal - with stops at several decent sized villages such as Moose Jaw and Winnipeg.
Unfortunately Brother Abner will not be available to lead the team again this year, as he is stuck in Australia for the forseeable future thanks to the restrictions on flying to Gold Level tithers and above, plus there is still much more work for him to do. Instead, another brave Silver Tither has stepped up to risk his life. God bless you, Brother Wilfred Abernathy. This team of of Silver, Bronze, and Tin Tithers will be putting everything on the line to bring Jesus to the snowy heathens.
The dangers they will face are many. Frostbite, starvation, eskimos, injuns, sodomites, sodomite "marriage", marihuana smokers everywhere, hockey players, the filthy rock and roll stylings of Celine Dion and April Lavine just to name a few. But the LORD will be with our brave missionaries once again!
More details will be coming as they are out, but you can start praying for success now.


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 09:33 AM

This sounds like a worthwhile mission Sister. GLORY! Cainada will finally hear the True Words of Jesus!

I do hope that Brother Wilfred will keep a special eye on the travel arrangements. I'm not saying that Brother Abner - fortunately too bad he is stuck there - made mistakes, but I don't want to see a repeat of the, ehm, misunderstandings of the last trip.

I think that I can face most dangers you mention - with Christ on my side - but I'm a bit hesitant about Celine Dion. If someone else could already pray away her DEMONS before we have to minister to her, that would be appreciated.

Mark 5:12
And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them.


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I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 12:07 PM

Isn't everyting frozen up there? Just a bunch of greasy eskimos who chew whale blubber all the time and probably stink to high Heaven. There aren't any beaches and you can't even play golf! Why do we have to have a mission to Canada!?

I'm not going.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 12:20 PM

But Pastor! Think of the countless (admittedly smelly) souls we could Save there?

And perhaps we get to see those polar bears drown in the process.

Maybe the trip will be easier if we don space suits?


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 12:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wide-Open View Post
But Pastor! Think of the countless (admittedly smelly) souls we could Save there?

And perhaps we get to see those polar bears drown in the process.

Maybe the trip will be easier if we don space suits?
I'm NOT GOING!!

It's too cold and I don't even know what language they speak!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 01:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
It's too cold and I don't even know what language they speak!
I think it's mostly French and Eskimo. Sister Mary Maria will have to provide us with TCT's (True Christian Translators™). I'm sure we have lots of people in Freehold who can be brought up to speed to act as TCT. If I'm not mistaken, it takes about 4 days to learn French.


Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 02:17 PM

It was really cold in Australia during the summer. I suspect that it's going to be cold in Canada, too.


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 05:33 PM

Pastor, I believe the mission is intended to start with Alberta, no?

Here's a handy map to help you get the lay of the land.





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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-25-2008, 07:28 PM

Is it absolutely necessary to have to say "oot"?
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-28-2008, 05:20 PM

Don't they have something called Moose's Head up there ? Some sort of swill beer.




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28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.
29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-28-2008, 05:43 PM

Sadly, I too am destined to remain imprisoned on this remote island during the annual pilgrimage to heathen lands.

We have had a bit of difficulty recently with military commanders honoring a note on White House Stationary saying "Fill 'er up" and signed "Dubya".

This was never a problem during the heady days of warrantless rendition, but something seems to be changing and we don't have a note yet from President-Elect Obama.


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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-29-2008, 02:29 AM

Friends, friends,

Why should Pastor Zeke go to Cainada on this mission?

His talents are needed more elsewhere. Homersexual, commie LIEberal Cainada will burn in hell whatsoever.

And more.

According to the temperature here (as everybody knows, Europe is close to Cainada)

God himself will freeze the sinners to death.

Praise!




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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-29-2008, 08:52 AM

I understand that Sarah Palin is running for whatever they call the chief cooter up there.


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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 11-29-2008, 09:10 AM

You're going to love it up there! I went on a medical mission to Canadia last year with a supply of (slightly expired) hip replacements. Did you know that these proud, noble people have to wait for literally months for elective hip surgeries? Not a lot of people are aware, because, you know, communism.
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 12-28-2008, 08:56 PM

I apologize for the lateness of this, but as you are all aware, precautions had to be taken to protect my unborn baby from Satan's forces so I haven't been around much.
The Mission to Canada may be in jeopardy. It seems like the losers from the last election are upset that God placed Steven Harper back in to the presidency and have been attempting to stage a coup. The situation was so dire that President Harper was forced to have a general place professional rogues into the congress building that they will continue to occupy for the time being.
We will keep an eye on the situation, and obviously we don't want to lose any tithers in what could end up as a bloody civil war. If it comes down to it, we may have to end up sending our missionaries to Delaware or Minnesota instead.


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 12-28-2008, 09:16 PM

I don't know about Minnesota, remember, we can smell them here in Freehold if the wind is right.




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27 And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;
28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.
29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.
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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 03-29-2009, 07:50 PM

PRAISE JESUS! The trip can be cancelled!

The Demoncrat stimulus package is nothing but socialism, and we rightfully have refused it!

But we are taking enough to pay for a better mission this year to somewhere that isn't all frozen wasteland, penguins, and sodomite hockey players. The details for where our brave missionaries are going next are still being worked out, but expect an announcement soon!

That is, providing the Demoncrats and B. Hussein Obama don't further destroy our economy with their communazi America-hating wealth destruction!


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 03-29-2009, 09:00 PM

The Bahamas would be nice. Nicer than Canada, that's for sure.


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 04-02-2009, 01:35 AM

How about a mission to Cabo san Lucas? I hear it's full of Catholics, but many American tourists go there . . . so they speak American and will understand our Godly words.


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Default Re: Landover Baptist Church Announces "Mission to Canada" - 04-02-2009, 01:46 AM

This is your typical Mexican't Catholic on his way home from Mass.

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And here is a Mexican't Priest getting ready to perform infant baptisms at an "open air church".

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