[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Hallelujah!
Brothers and sisters in Christ, as you are all aware, this year's Mission to Australia has been an enormous success. Thousands of Australien souls have been saved through the efforts of our brave missionaries, forever turned away from lives of drunkenness and crime and the tithes coming in from our new southern franchise (built ahead of schedule!) will help ensure God's coffers are kept brimming come the Glory! PRAISE! But that's not all. Word came in last week from Brother Abner Jenkins that they now have their very first EX-ABO! Yes, ALL things are possible through Christ! PRAISE JESUS!
But now we turn our attentions to another threat much closer to home. Soviet Canuckistan. I know that many of you had your hearts set on the next mission being to Jamaica, but that will have to wait for another year. Thanks to the financial crisis set off by the "election" of Osama Barack, we have been forced to send our missionary teams in by bus this time around and the Canuckistanis are closer to Iowa than the Mexican'ts. We also don't know how long we have to act, because God saw fit to re-install a rare Godly Canuckistani as their president, Mr. Steven Harper, and we want our missionaries to get in and get to work before the homersexual, marihuana-smoking commies who make up most of their population wake up from the drug-induced hazes, realize that they have a decent conservative president, and stage a revolt armed with ice picks and hockey sticks (guns are illegal up there despite Mr. Harper's best attempts to get their activist courts to pay heed to the Second Amendment).
The missionaries will arrive in Canaduh on July 5th (in case they are eaten by eskimo savages, we want them to enjoy one last Independence Day in a land of freedom) as we want to wait until the ice covering the barren wasteland up north is at its thinnest. All buses will be equipped with premium winter tires and snow chains, so don't worry about them sliding off the worn paths the Canuckistanis call "roads". They will visit all three major towns - Tonto, Vancouver, and Montreal - with stops at several decent sized villages such as Moose Jaw and Winnipeg.
Unfortunately Brother Abner will not be available to lead the team again this year, as he is stuck in Australia for the forseeable future thanks to the restrictions on flying to Gold Level tithers and above, plus there is still much more work for him to do. Instead, another brave Silver Tither has stepped up to risk his life. God bless you, Brother Wilfred Abernathy. This team of of Silver, Bronze, and Tin Tithers will be putting everything on the line to bring Jesus to the snowy heathens.
The dangers they will face are many. Frostbite, starvation, eskimos, injuns, sodomites, sodomite "marriage", marihuana smokers everywhere, hockey players, the filthy rock and roll stylings of Celine Dion and April Lavine just to name a few. But the LORD will be with our brave missionaries once again!
More details will be coming as they are out, but you can start praying for success now.

[Wide-Open]

This sounds like a worthwhile mission Sister. GLORY! Cainada will finally hear the True Words of Jesus!

I do hope that Brother Wilfred will keep a special eye on the travel arrangements. I'm not saying that Brother Abner - fortunately too bad he is stuck there - made mistakes, but I don't want to see a repeat of the, ehm, misunderstandings of the last trip.

I think that I can face most dangers you mention - with Christ on my side - but I'm a bit hesitant about Celine Dion. If someone else could already pray away her DEMONS before we have to minister to her, that would be appreciated.

Mark 5:12
And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Isn't everyting frozen up there? Just a bunch of greasy eskimos who chew whale blubber all the time and probably stink to high Heaven. There aren't any beaches and you can't even play golf! Why do we have to have a mission to Canada!?

I'm not going.

[Wide-Open]

But Pastor! Think of the countless (admittedly smelly) souls we could Save there?

And perhaps we get to see those polar bears drown in the process.

Maybe the trip will be easier if we don space suits?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Wide-Open

But Pastor! Think of the countless (admittedly smelly) souls we could Save there?

And perhaps we get to see those polar bears drown in the process.

Maybe the trip will be easier if we don space suits?

I'm NOT GOING!!

It's too cold and I don't even know what language they speak!

[Wide-Open]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

It's too cold and I don't even know what language they speak!

I think it's mostly French and Eskimo. Sister Mary Maria will have to provide us with TCT's (True Christian Translators™). I'm sure we have lots of people in Freehold who can be brought up to speed to act as TCT. If I'm not mistaken, it takes about 4 days to learn French.

[Nobar King]

It was really cold in Australia during the summer. I suspect that it's going to be cold in Canada, too.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Pastor, I believe the mission is intended to start with Alberta, no?

Here's a handy map to help you get the lay of the land.

[SUV]

Is it absolutely necessary to have to say "oot"?

[SayvedByTheLord]

Don't they have something called Moose's Head up there ? Some sort of swill beer.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Sadly, I too am destined to remain imprisoned on this remote island during the annual pilgrimage to heathen lands.

We have had a bit of difficulty recently with military commanders honoring a note on White House Stationary saying "Fill 'er up" and signed "Dubya".

This was never a problem during the heady days of warrantless rendition, but something seems to be changing and we don't have a note yet from President-Elect Obama.

[Juliette]

Friends, friends,

Why should Pastor Zeke go to Cainada on this mission?

His talents are needed more elsewhere. Homersexual, commie LIEberal Cainada will burn in hell whatsoever.

And more.

According to the temperature here (as everybody knows, Europe is close to Cainada)

God himself will freeze the sinners to death.

Praise!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

I understand that Sarah Palin is running for whatever they call the chief cooter up there.

[Mister Brasil]

You're going to love it up there! I went on a medical mission to Canadia last year with a supply of (slightly expired) hip replacements. Did you know that these proud, noble people have to wait for literally months for elective hip surgeries? Not a lot of people are aware, because, you know, communism.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

I apologize for the lateness of this, but as you are all aware, precautions had to be taken to protect my unborn baby from Satan's forces so I haven't been around much.
The Mission to Canada may be in jeopardy. It seems like the losers from the last election are upset that God placed Steven Harper back in to the presidency and have been attempting to stage a coup. The situation was so dire that President Harper was forced to have a general place professional rogues into the congress building that they will continue to occupy for the time being.
We will keep an eye on the situation, and obviously we don't want to lose any tithers in what could end up as a bloody civil war. If it comes down to it, we may have to end up sending our missionaries to Delaware or Minnesota instead.

[SayvedByTheLord]

I don't know about Minnesota, remember, we can smell them here in Freehold if the wind is right.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

PRAISE JESUS! The trip can be cancelled!

The Demoncrat stimulus package is nothing but socialism, and we rightfully have refused it!

But we are taking enough to pay for a better mission this year to somewhere that isn't all frozen wasteland, penguins, and sodomite hockey players. The details for where our brave missionaries are going next are still being worked out, but expect an announcement soon!

That is, providing the Demoncrats and B. Hussein Obama don't further destroy our economy with their communazi America-hating wealth destruction!

[Nobar King]

The Bahamas would be nice. Nicer than Canada, that's for sure.

[JennyD]

How about a mission to Cabo san Lucas? I hear it's full of Catholics, but many American tourists go there . . . so they speak American and will understand our Godly words.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

This is your typical Mexican't Catholic on his way home from Mass.





And here is a Mexican't Priest getting ready to perform infant baptisms at an "open air church".