[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

There are so many movies and TV shows out there to review that we're experimenting with just cramming a bunch of reviews into one column. After all, who needs an entire column to figure out if something is worth watching?

So, I'll begin:

Planet Luxury: If you thought Discovery channel was just animals humping, you're right for 90% of the time, but not in this show. The only animals you'll see here are the fur coats, the way Jesus intended it.

It's basically like "how it's made" only instead of showing how they make classless junk for blue-collar parasites, they show how goods for The Productive Community are made. For example, I learned that the coral in my fish tank is actually handmade replica-coral. I had always thought it was real! Come to think of it, I guess this invaidates the data from my experiments to prove the harmlessness of oil spills. I'll have to start over, once I can find a new supplier of doliphins.

Anyway, my favorite episode so far shows how they make well-worn jeans. I always wondered what technology they use to make all the stains and wear and tear on jeans. Turns out it costs about $1000 to produce, not including gold or platinum buttons etc. So that's what welfare queens spend all of their money on! And all this time I thought they were just too lazy to patch their jeans, or too cheap to buy new ones.

Battle For Terra: Sorry, the above was probably more than a minute. I'll compensate by making this one super-short. This is a movie about sperm-aliens who get invaded by humans. What could have been an excellent tale of the sanctity of life (in sperm form, anyway) is instead a typical disneyfied politically-correct mess. There's a part where a whale dies, (well, an alien whale anyway) but the rest is boring.

Katyn: Bunch of polacks get noodle-knocked. Not as entertaining as you'd think.

I Shouldn't Be Alive: Watch nature-loving hippies get tormented and tortured by the very nature they worship. From wildlife conservationists getting mobbed by Hyenas to eco-tourists being mauled by alligators and watching their wounds fill with thousands of flesh-eating ants, almost every example of God's Wraith is graphically shown in this excellent series. Now THIS is a discovery nature show I can watch!

Watching this brought up a lot of theological questions. You see, most of the people who die in survival situations die because they "gave up". At some point, they realize that there was no hope of survival, and they just couldn't stand the endless pain, so they they lay back, lost conciousness, and died.

These people are in hell. "Suicide", known among Christians as Self-Murder is a sin. It's murder. Murdering yourself is no different than murdering someone else in the eyes of God, because you both belong to God.

Emo teenagers who find life too tough and cut their wrists? Hellbound murderers. Hook-knosed New Yorkers who jumped from the World Trade Center because they found the flames too tough and jumped? Hellbound murderers. It doesn't matter if you where "going to die anyway" it's up to God to decide when and how you die, not you. Self-Euthenasia is just as murderous as euthenasia.

Those Samoans who died in the recent Tsunami: did they really tread water for as long as possible? Or did they just get too tired, gave up, and commited self-murder? They're in hell. Even the Missionaries.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Battles BC:

Sometime during my 7th viewing of 300, I thought to myself "The only thing that keeps this movie from being completely perfect is that it isn't about Moses or Joshua or David."

Well, the LORD answered my prayers by creating History Channel's Battles BC, which looks like 300 but has all the above. Plus you get to see Julius Ceasar massacre a lot of french people.

This show graphically shows that the Old Testement kings where not John Kerry-style pacifists, but blood-soaked massacre-junkies for whom "kill everything that breaths" was standard operating procedure when capturing a city. While you don't actually see them smashing heathen babies to death on the rocks, the show makes it very clear that that is what they were all about. Onward Christian Soldiers!

The only downside is the stupid talking heads who keep trying to come up with "scientific" explainations for the Bible's miracles. Haven't these guys ever heard of Occam's Razor? The explaination that requires the least explaining is the truth. "It's a miracle" takes a lot less explaining than anything else.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Brokeback Mountain: Two sporadically employed ranch hands make the impulsive decision one evening to adopt the sodomite deathstyle choice. The movie has a happy ending from a True Christian™ perspective when [spoiler] one of the homers is savagely beaten to death and the other one ends up old, bitter, and regretful [/spoiler].

[Emil Sledge]

You said TV shows too right Mr. Thurmond? Last night I seen dog the bounty hunter cause the cab;e was working here at the howard johnsons really motel 6 now and that dog guy like to scared me half to death but he and his kin sure do love Jesus. but i dont get why they treat the guy they had to chase real nice after they caught him. Thats not fair. I never got treated like that nice when I got caught and the guys that caught me did NOT love Jesus i know cause they kept swaring and saying Jesus Christ and God dam and stuff like they hate God anf his only boy. Well i mean to watch dog again cause its a real good show but his wife should cover herself up on top cause them are HUGE! Looked like she had a plummer bent over down her shirt!