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The most Godly president ever is either George W. Bush or Ronald Reagan, and Bible scholars could debate that question until the Rapture itself (in other words, for the next few months 
). But who is the most Godless of our forty-three presidents? Which one is most assuredly subsiding on the sulfurous spunk of Satan himself while obese lava demons thrust in and out of his caved-in poopy hole in the middle of the Lake of Fire? I’ve narrowed it down to ten, counting down to who I believe is the most un-Godly president of all. Without further ado…
10. Lyndon Johnson
Lyndon Johnson slaughtered hundreds of thousands, if not millions of gooks. Let’s get that out of the way now, because I’ll be the first to admit that any criticisms of Johnson’s presidency quail in the face of such an awesome statistic. But the truth is, Johnson was not a Godly man. His most notable domestic policy—indeed, his only notable domestic policy—was the ludicrous “War on Poverty.” No, he didn’t slaughter the poor en masse like a real man would have done; he created borderline-Communist agencies like Medicaid to steal wealthy Americans’ hard-inherited money and lavish it on bums… money that could have easily been tithed. For imperiling the souls of our most productive citizens, Johnson just edges his way onto this list.
9. Theodore Roosevelt
Like Johnson, Teddy Roosevelt had some admirable qualities—for one, he was a real man, the kind you hardly ever see anymore. But indeed, his masculinity was so ever-present that one must wonder just who he was trying to fool. Truth is, TR was a sissy boy at heart, as evidenced by his failure to shoot a pathetic bear cub (birthing a phenomenon that continues to facilitate the seduction of our children by priests and other perverts). He was the epitome of a tree-hugger. I doubt there’s a tree in Yellowstone with which he hasn’t fornicated, and there are a lot of trees in Yellowstone.
8. Woodrow Wilson
Why was Woodrow Wilson such a Godless man? Take a look at his résumé: he led America through the Progressive movement, which “liberated” women from their God-ordained roles while enslaving their husbands with an income tax. His League of Nations collapsed shortly after its formation, but it paved the way for the United Nations and thus the New World Order. He was also a member of the Ku Klux Klan during his early years, but the organization is said to have been “more like the Boy Scouts” at that time.
7. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
New Deal? Sounds awfully Orwellian, and FDR’s most celebrated accomplishment lived up to its name, expanding the federal government into a monolithic black hole so fearsomely colossal that freedom itself was nearly engulfed. Crippled by Jesus at an early age, he cleverly used his disability to gain special privileges, which culminated in his election as a “sympathy president” by guilt-ridden liberals. (He also had many adulterous affairs by taking advantage of women’s curiosity about just what it’s like to squat over a tallywhacker completely barren of nervous sensation. His bulldyke wife didn't mind one bit.) Eventually, God grew tired of his shenanigans and simply struck him dead. Luckily, his successor would prove considerably more worthy of the office, carrying out the most Godly act since the Resurrection on August 6, 1945.
6. Jimmy Carter
James Earl Carter, Jr. was a terrible President; he was single-handedly responsible for handing the precious Panama Canal over to beaners, pardoning draft-dodging traitors, and biting the pillow for the Soviets during the SALT talks. However, it is his post-presidency that has exhibited the most ferocious anti-Americanism. In his 21 books, all abounding with typos and logical fallacies, he has argued unflinchingly for the destruction of our country, and his hatred for the U.S.A. was even strong enough to net him the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002. Most recently, he drew fire after publishing a book which compared the brutal aggression of Zionists to South Africa's Godly apartheid policies. Even as he draws near to his sulfurous destiny, Carter continues to offend and persecute Americans of faith.
5. Richard Nixon
No list of Godless presidents would be complete without ol' Tricky Dick. His wickedness has been documented by countless others in exhaustive detail, but I'll try my best to provide a summary: first and foremost, Nixon was a bleeding-heart liberal. He funneled countless billions of federal dollars into environmentalist projects, providing a blueprint for the ecoterrorists of the 70s and 80s, and, for the first time ever, lent federal support to the racist affirmative action agenda. He also forged an unholy alliance with Chinese communists instead of turning Chinkistan into the Great American Desert as the Cheney/Hargrove administration will no doubt do in the near future. Last but certainly not least, he was a member of the Quaker cult. And he had the nerve to brand himself a Republican!
4. Bill Clinton
For many Bible-believing citizens, Bill Clinton personifies evil. Whether mollycoddling Osama bin Laden, diddling a Jewess intern and lying about it before Congress, or smoking crack cocaine with his monster-truck-tire-lipped “brothers” in Harlem, Sick Willy seemed Hell-bent on breaking every commandment ever issued by God or our legislature. His lust, lawlessness, and unbridled desire for deep-fried chicken thighs even led colored novelist Toni Morrison to declare him “the first black president,” a chilling proclamation precisely because it rang so true.
*NOTE: Clinton is unique among these Presidents in having vocally supported the protection of Real Marriage™ and passed legislation to this effect. One must wonder, however, how a man can extol such Godly virtues while shamelessly violating the sanctity of his own marriage. Then again, take a look at the wife he’s stuck with!
3. James Buchanan
When most Americans today think of sexually immoral presidents, Bill Clinton's is the first name that comes to mind—and rightfully so. There was a time, though, when our White House was occupied by an actual, honest-to-God sodomite. A homosexual. Yes, historians both secular and Saved have confirmed the Buchanan was involved in a long term buggerous relationship with his vice president, William Rufus King. How did this happen? We're not quite sure, but Satan's hand in the whole ugly affair is as plain as a naked coon standing in a snowstorm.
2. John Fitzgerald Kennedy
A Catlick in the White House? Say it isn't so! Well, it isn't so, thanks to the actions of God's messenger Lee Harvey Oswald (and yes, there WAS a man shooting from the grassy knoll that day. Witnesses say he was wearing sandals.) But for three awful years, these United States toiled under the dominion of the Pope himself, and most True Christians™ have undergone intense reparative therapy to block out these memories. Out of respect for these brothers and sisters, I shall delve into no further detail.
1. Abraham Lincoln
"[Slavery] was established by decree of Almighty God...it is sanctioned in the Bible, in both Testaments, from Genesis to Revelation...it has existed in all ages, has been found among the people of the highest civilization, and in nations of the highest proficiency in the arts." Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate States of America
Leviticus 25
44Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.
45Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession.
46And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever: but over your brethren the children of Israel, ye shall not rule one over another with rigour.
Our Presidents have been fornicators and adulterers, thieves and murderers, sodomites, whoremongers, and even Catholics, but all of them have had some modicum of respect for the institutions God gave us… except for one. As noted, even Bill Clinton has stood up against the annihilation of marriage, but there was once an institution in our country even more sacred and crucial to the well being of America… and that institution was slavery. An America without slavery was like a Heaven without angels—in a word, unimaginable. But in one terrible gesture, Abraham Lincoln, the worst Republican and the worst president to ever live, took all of that away. Thousands upon thousands of good men in both the North and South were deprived of their property. Hordes of wild negroes were unleashed upon the populace, and no pie or white woman would ever be safe again. Five score and forty-four years ago, a tear rolled down the cheek of Lady Liberty.
All this aside, Abraham Lincoln was a horrible man. He treated the Constitution like toilet paper, flouting habeas corpus to detain not terrorists but honest American Christians. He sent countless American troops to die for a “war” that was little more than a personal vendetta. A new book suggests that his marriage to Mary Toad may have been an elaborate ruse, covering up the abominable homosexuality of yet another President. Most disturbingly, he never attended church and failed on numerous occasions to identify himself as a Christian, and most respectable scholars believe that he was God-hating atheist. When asked by the preacher Peter Cartwright whether he planned on going to Heaven or Hell, Lincoln replied, “I intend to go to Congress.” This feat he did accomplish, but no True Christian™ should have any doubt as to his current place of residence.
Sadly, it’s quite possible that all of these monsters will be eclipsed and forgotten if either Hellhairy Sodom Cliton or Biraq Hussein Osama is elected president in 2008. That’s why we must throw everything we’ve got behind Cheney and Hargrove! It’s not too early—and for Jesus’ sake, let’s hope it’s not too late.
). But who is the most Godless of our forty-three presidents? Which one is most assuredly subsiding on the sulfurous spunk of Satan himself while obese lava demons thrust in and out of his caved-in poopy hole in the middle of the Lake of Fire? I’ve narrowed it down to ten, counting down to who I believe is the most un-Godly president of all. Without further ado…10. Lyndon Johnson
Lyndon Johnson slaughtered hundreds of thousands, if not millions of gooks. Let’s get that out of the way now, because I’ll be the first to admit that any criticisms of Johnson’s presidency quail in the face of such an awesome statistic. But the truth is, Johnson was not a Godly man. His most notable domestic policy—indeed, his only notable domestic policy—was the ludicrous “War on Poverty.” No, he didn’t slaughter the poor en masse like a real man would have done; he created borderline-Communist agencies like Medicaid to steal wealthy Americans’ hard-inherited money and lavish it on bums… money that could have easily been tithed. For imperiling the souls of our most productive citizens, Johnson just edges his way onto this list.
9. Theodore Roosevelt
Like Johnson, Teddy Roosevelt had some admirable qualities—for one, he was a real man, the kind you hardly ever see anymore. But indeed, his masculinity was so ever-present that one must wonder just who he was trying to fool. Truth is, TR was a sissy boy at heart, as evidenced by his failure to shoot a pathetic bear cub (birthing a phenomenon that continues to facilitate the seduction of our children by priests and other perverts). He was the epitome of a tree-hugger. I doubt there’s a tree in Yellowstone with which he hasn’t fornicated, and there are a lot of trees in Yellowstone.
8. Woodrow Wilson
Why was Woodrow Wilson such a Godless man? Take a look at his résumé: he led America through the Progressive movement, which “liberated” women from their God-ordained roles while enslaving their husbands with an income tax. His League of Nations collapsed shortly after its formation, but it paved the way for the United Nations and thus the New World Order. He was also a member of the Ku Klux Klan during his early years, but the organization is said to have been “more like the Boy Scouts” at that time.
7. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
New Deal? Sounds awfully Orwellian, and FDR’s most celebrated accomplishment lived up to its name, expanding the federal government into a monolithic black hole so fearsomely colossal that freedom itself was nearly engulfed. Crippled by Jesus at an early age, he cleverly used his disability to gain special privileges, which culminated in his election as a “sympathy president” by guilt-ridden liberals. (He also had many adulterous affairs by taking advantage of women’s curiosity about just what it’s like to squat over a tallywhacker completely barren of nervous sensation. His bulldyke wife didn't mind one bit.) Eventually, God grew tired of his shenanigans and simply struck him dead. Luckily, his successor would prove considerably more worthy of the office, carrying out the most Godly act since the Resurrection on August 6, 1945.
6. Jimmy Carter
James Earl Carter, Jr. was a terrible President; he was single-handedly responsible for handing the precious Panama Canal over to beaners, pardoning draft-dodging traitors, and biting the pillow for the Soviets during the SALT talks. However, it is his post-presidency that has exhibited the most ferocious anti-Americanism. In his 21 books, all abounding with typos and logical fallacies, he has argued unflinchingly for the destruction of our country, and his hatred for the U.S.A. was even strong enough to net him the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002. Most recently, he drew fire after publishing a book which compared the brutal aggression of Zionists to South Africa's Godly apartheid policies. Even as he draws near to his sulfurous destiny, Carter continues to offend and persecute Americans of faith.
5. Richard Nixon
No list of Godless presidents would be complete without ol' Tricky Dick. His wickedness has been documented by countless others in exhaustive detail, but I'll try my best to provide a summary: first and foremost, Nixon was a bleeding-heart liberal. He funneled countless billions of federal dollars into environmentalist projects, providing a blueprint for the ecoterrorists of the 70s and 80s, and, for the first time ever, lent federal support to the racist affirmative action agenda. He also forged an unholy alliance with Chinese communists instead of turning Chinkistan into the Great American Desert as the Cheney/Hargrove administration will no doubt do in the near future. Last but certainly not least, he was a member of the Quaker cult. And he had the nerve to brand himself a Republican!
4. Bill Clinton
For many Bible-believing citizens, Bill Clinton personifies evil. Whether mollycoddling Osama bin Laden, diddling a Jewess intern and lying about it before Congress, or smoking crack cocaine with his monster-truck-tire-lipped “brothers” in Harlem, Sick Willy seemed Hell-bent on breaking every commandment ever issued by God or our legislature. His lust, lawlessness, and unbridled desire for deep-fried chicken thighs even led colored novelist Toni Morrison to declare him “the first black president,” a chilling proclamation precisely because it rang so true.
*NOTE: Clinton is unique among these Presidents in having vocally supported the protection of Real Marriage™ and passed legislation to this effect. One must wonder, however, how a man can extol such Godly virtues while shamelessly violating the sanctity of his own marriage. Then again, take a look at the wife he’s stuck with!
3. James Buchanan
When most Americans today think of sexually immoral presidents, Bill Clinton's is the first name that comes to mind—and rightfully so. There was a time, though, when our White House was occupied by an actual, honest-to-God sodomite. A homosexual. Yes, historians both secular and Saved have confirmed the Buchanan was involved in a long term buggerous relationship with his vice president, William Rufus King. How did this happen? We're not quite sure, but Satan's hand in the whole ugly affair is as plain as a naked coon standing in a snowstorm.
2. John Fitzgerald Kennedy
A Catlick in the White House? Say it isn't so! Well, it isn't so, thanks to the actions of God's messenger Lee Harvey Oswald (and yes, there WAS a man shooting from the grassy knoll that day. Witnesses say he was wearing sandals.) But for three awful years, these United States toiled under the dominion of the Pope himself, and most True Christians™ have undergone intense reparative therapy to block out these memories. Out of respect for these brothers and sisters, I shall delve into no further detail.
1. Abraham Lincoln
"[Slavery] was established by decree of Almighty God...it is sanctioned in the Bible, in both Testaments, from Genesis to Revelation...it has existed in all ages, has been found among the people of the highest civilization, and in nations of the highest proficiency in the arts." Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate States of America
Leviticus 25
44Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.
45Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession.
46And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever: but over your brethren the children of Israel, ye shall not rule one over another with rigour.
Our Presidents have been fornicators and adulterers, thieves and murderers, sodomites, whoremongers, and even Catholics, but all of them have had some modicum of respect for the institutions God gave us… except for one. As noted, even Bill Clinton has stood up against the annihilation of marriage, but there was once an institution in our country even more sacred and crucial to the well being of America… and that institution was slavery. An America without slavery was like a Heaven without angels—in a word, unimaginable. But in one terrible gesture, Abraham Lincoln, the worst Republican and the worst president to ever live, took all of that away. Thousands upon thousands of good men in both the North and South were deprived of their property. Hordes of wild negroes were unleashed upon the populace, and no pie or white woman would ever be safe again. Five score and forty-four years ago, a tear rolled down the cheek of Lady Liberty.
All this aside, Abraham Lincoln was a horrible man. He treated the Constitution like toilet paper, flouting habeas corpus to detain not terrorists but honest American Christians. He sent countless American troops to die for a “war” that was little more than a personal vendetta. A new book suggests that his marriage to Mary Toad may have been an elaborate ruse, covering up the abominable homosexuality of yet another President. Most disturbingly, he never attended church and failed on numerous occasions to identify himself as a Christian, and most respectable scholars believe that he was God-hating atheist. When asked by the preacher Peter Cartwright whether he planned on going to Heaven or Hell, Lincoln replied, “I intend to go to Congress.” This feat he did accomplish, but no True Christian™ should have any doubt as to his current place of residence.
Sadly, it’s quite possible that all of these monsters will be eclipsed and forgotten if either Hellhairy Sodom Cliton or Biraq Hussein Osama is elected president in 2008. That’s why we must throw everything we’ve got behind Cheney and Hargrove! It’s not too early—and for Jesus’ sake, let’s hope it’s not too late.
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