[Jim C. Lombardo]

With the autumn season upon us, I've been thinking it's time for me to find a wife. Being well past 60, it's hard to fathom I could be a bachelor for so long. I can't think of anything more romantic and holy than proposing on Landover's own Christian Singles forum.

It just so happens, I think I've found the perfect match after my time of being here: MITZALIZALOR.

I've been watching you for a while now, in a gentle Christian manly way, sort of like how Jesus watches us, so in a non-creepy way.


But Mitza, your firey auburn hair, those violet lips and penetrating eyes. I love that your cosmetic enhancements (If my presumption is correct, or else you've been blessed with natural God-given beauty that has beguiled me) don't cross into harlot territory.


Recently, a pastor has suggested I might be two-eyepatches crazy. Given your certified status as Crazy for the LORD, it would be no surprise that perhaps two crazies can go hand in hand?


I admit, I know little about you Mitza (Do you have an existing spouse who will hunt me down with a sawed-off shotgun over this modest proposal? If so, disregard anything I've just said), nor do I particularly care about that. My needs are more straightforward than bothering with fickle superficial details; I prefer substance.


So, what do you say? You, me and Jesus make three? As your prospective husband, I will sing my latest Christian diddies as you sleep.

[Didymus Much]

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Originally Posted by Didymus Much

For the first time ever, I am horrified to concur with the atheist. STOP talking. STOP talking. Go and find a doctor. Stop drinking. Start drinking. Take 2 weeks off. STOP talking.

[Jim C. Lombardo]

Dr. Toole, the only drink of choice for me is Diet Coke. Sobriety was a struggle at one point, that was a long time way back. I have an old AA meeting curculating here somewhere with Pastor Jim Osborne.

[BrotherLarry]

Brother Jim,


You know I am your brother. I can't call you a close friend because you're still not a True Christian™, which means I must be cautious of any demonic activity that might radiate from your person, even through the cyber waves of the Interwebs. It saddens me, but Jesus has His reasons for us to not be unequally yoked.


I must point out that a major hindrance in your woo of Sister Mitza is that same fact. She is a Child of the King, washed in the very Blood of Jesus® and a True Christian™. I don't see the pastor approving this unequal yoking either.


Mitza also has residence in Freehold - reserved for True Christians™. You couldn't live with her and therefore you couldn't sire sons unless it was by mail. Even then, I don't think it would work. I am a pure and untouched by female hands certified equine gnathologist, and even with that expertise I can't picture it.


I really hate having to make you face the reality of your lovelorn situation, but buck it up, man. Even if you spend the rest of your days single, Heaven awaits. That's better than any silly female.


Distantly empathetic,
BrotherLarry

[Jim C. Lombardo]

You know, Brother Larry. In my younger days, I was indeed a True Christian™ for a moment, and then I left, came back again, was a whole new man, and everything changed. The good pastors may feel their trust to let me in that gated community was misplaced, but it could be an administrative oversight. Jesus may not have the time to deal with it just yet, but then, we are are still waiting for His Return, so must be patient.

As for Miss Litzalor.... I'm a positive thinker. I'm still alive, she's still alive. Things can always change.

[Dana723]

Thought she is a woman, I have learned a lot from Ms. Lizalor. She is incredibly smart. Perhaps she should have been a man. But if God means for it to be, it will be. I wish you luck...and love

[Jim C. Lombardo]

Thank you, Dana. You are too sweet. With more positivity like yours, it may happen! And yes, MitzaLizalor is a smart lady. It's her brains I like most. :p

[MitzaLizalor]

Since you have not been diagnosed by the Pastors as reflecting Christ's Glory II Corinthians 3:18 it is impossible for any yoking experience to occur. It would seem to me that if so minor an impediment as a shotgun were a disincentive, no great level of commitment could be expected in any event.

[Jim C. Lombardo]

I will have to yoke alone for a little longer, it seems.

[BrotherLarry]

Originally Posted by Jim C. Lombardo

I will have to yoke alone for a little longer, it seems.

The yoking of one to another is a serious business in the eyes of Christ; He would not have mentioned it otherwise. Think of oxen: if one is strong and one is weak, the strong one ends up pulling all the weight and the weak one is just along for the ride. No female wants a man whose reflective glory is not any stronger than a pen light in a hurricane. My glory reflects Christ so brightly that I could be compared to one of those super strong flashlights you see on TV. I am a catch for the - um - person who gets me someday. No, brother, Sister Mitza just couldn't carry the relationship by herself. She is female, needs direction, and likely is looking for someone with a little higher link on the food chain. She would be displeasing her LORD if she even entertained the idea of yoking with you.

Not convinced? Here's a true story:


A very good friend of mine was a solid, True Christian™. His purity almost exceeded that of my own, but not quite. A sultry vixen caught his eye one evening at a NKOTB concert (I warned him not to go, what with all the heavy metal exposure). They began dating and he discussed marriage with his pastor. Pastor warned him again and again that we should not be unequally yoked. The woman attended a Methodist church on Easter ONLY. She didn't pray, she hadn't read the Bible, and didn't think that men were the heads of households. She then started going to a United Methodist gathering and honey let me tell you that's even worse. All this "acceptance and unity" garbage, you know. I was mortified.


Well, they ended up marrying. I heard a demon entered him on the night of the wedding. He allowed her to boss him around, took his weekly pay the moment it was given to him, and announced she was going out of town on a vacation by herself. I ended my friendship with this man, thus I didn't hear it until weeks later that he had run away to Mexico, got a quick divorce, and married a Catholic Messican with three children. He converted to papism, of course. Fellows, this could happen to you!


Praise God for devout women like Sister Mitza, who has the common sense to stick to her faith and live in halcyon Freehold while serving Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Hallelujah! Glory!


Sorry, Brother Jim, but I DID tell you so.


BrotherLarry

[DolliMoans]

Hi Jim. I'm still available if you don't mind another Forum Member in your life - Recently widowed; baby maker still works. Take what you can get.

[BibleReader2231]

In no way is what I am about to say to spark competition against Miss MitzaTaylor or Miss DolliMoans. As you know, I am a young 17 year old pure Christian girl who will be 18 soon. I am still a virgin and intend to stay that way and only use my no-no area to make soldiers for Christ with my future Christian husband (whoever that may be). The bidding hasn't started yet even though my father has put up an auction at my local church for the past two years to wed me off. If you are interested (Again I am not suggesting anything as that is not my place) then you would have to speak to my Pa. there are several agreements that would have to be made though. As a youngster single Christian female, I am clueless about this. Best to leave it to the men.

[Jim C. Lombardo]

Heck'll, I'll take it Maxie, if you're pa says all's A-ok. Sure I wanted Mitza, but one's got to take what they can get, and you're a nubile Forum Member, like me!

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Originally Posted by BibleReader2231

In no way is what I am about to say to spark competition against Miss MitzaTaylor or Miss DolliMoans.

Who is MitzaTaylor? If you mean MitzaLizalor, she had already firmly rejected the proposal.

Originally Posted by BibleReader2231

As you know, I am a young 17 year old pure Christian girl who will be 18 soon. I am still a virgin and intend to stay that way and only use my no-no area to make soldiers for Christ with my future Christian husband (whoever that may be). The bidding hasn't started yet even though my father has put up an auction at my local church for the past two years to wed me off. If you are interested (Again I am not suggesting anything as that is not my place) then you would have to speak to my Pa. there are several agreements that would have to be made though. As a youngster single Christian female, I am clueless about this. Best to leave it to the men.

Good grief! Well, pimping yourself out on the forums is a new one, but I suppose if you come from the sort of family that attempts to sell its daughters via a two-year-old scrap of paper pinned to a church noticeboard, nothing is too gross.

Mr Lombardo, you seem like a decent enough man (if misguided at times) and I wish you the very best of luck with someone vulgar enough to refer to her genitalia as her "no no area".

[BibleReader2231]

To be fair I have not offered myself personally. Also, I have unfortunate news as my father has seen your request Mister Lombardo and he is not fully convinced that you would raise me to be a good faithful Christian wife for Jesus and yourself just yet. My dad vets men hard for this. My last potential suitor was a charming young man of the church about my age. Unfortunately he died of mysterious causes shortly after he found out he was to be my suiter. But oh how he could win an armpit farting contest at the redneck Olympics 😳 (Blush). In other words, I am not a piece of chocolate up for grabs. You would have to prove yourself worthy to my father. He makes the rules in my home.

[Jim C. Lombardo]

Well I'm definitely not about to become a Incel, if that's what seems to be looming. And no, I didn't mistake you for chocolate, lol.


I find a way to father's heart is with lots of meat. I've got freezers full of bush meat I'd be happy to tow-truck his direction as a pre-nup before it melts.

[Jim C. Lombardo]

So, I recently been seeking this stunning brunette.

I admit, conversations with her are not quite an enlightening as they are with MitzaLizalor, she speaks mostly in monosyllables, I feel 1 Corinthians 14:34 is an art lost completely on her.

I hope she'll develop obedience down the road of our new fellowship.