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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

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Default Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-28-2012, 04:14 AM

Quote:
Local Boy Turns Retard

Freehold, Iowa -- Jimmy-Wayne, 13 year old son of local layabout Jimmy-Roy Stewart, fell head first into Pastor Ezekiel's indoor pool on Sunday last, and having hit his head and cracked it open a bit, has turned retard.

The boy was scheduled to scrub the pool clean before Church, but apparently forgot that the pool had been drained and dove in head first. Having cracked his head hard on the Pastor's pool, the boy commenced to making a kind of donkey sound, only loud. He continues to make this awful sound even now.

Pastor Ezekiel was there at the time of the accident, and promptly said a Prayer over the boy for a good 20 minutes in an effort to keep the boy from going mongo, but Jesus had made His decision. Pastor Ezekiel then sent his 14 year old Indonesian houseboy for help, who went and got a few pickannnies, who fetched Jimmy-Wayne out of the pool and into a wheelbarrow, and then took the idiot boy off the property, hee-hawing like an imbecile all the way.

Thankfully, Pastor was not late for Sunday Services.
I imagine it'll be a month of Sundays before Jimmy Roy can pay the doctor's bill on that one.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-28-2012, 04:31 AM

I keep hitting my second youngest son with the edge of an oar, in the same spot on the head, for choosing to behave like a retarded. He just acts more and more retard. Perhaps he is the reason Christ had to suffer so much.


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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-28-2012, 04:21 PM

Is your pool Ok Pastor? I trust the marble did not get stained. Was it the one next to your chapel office or the one off of the exercise room?


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-28-2012, 10:19 PM

Get that boy to a hospital...
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-28-2012, 10:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by meemie View Post
Get that boy to a hospital...
I think sending him to a "special" place, just because he chooses to act like a retard would be enabling him to sin. What the boy needs is church, but if you had bothered to read the thread you would know he is deliberately provoking people to bestiality by making donkey noises. This constitutes furryism and has no place in a House of God!


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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 02:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
Is your pool Ok Pastor? I trust the marble did not get stained. Was it the one next to your chapel office or the one off of the exercise room?
It was the one off my exercise room, and it's a mess. I'm waiting for Jimmy-Roy to get his lazy butt down here and scrub his idiot boy's blood off my Greek marble!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 03:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I imagine it'll be a month of Sundays before Jimmy Roy can pay the doctor's bill on that one.
Next time something like that happens we should ask Jesus to make him sound like a chimp. Y'know; getting to jump around a bit and chattering at people.

Hell, we could even get him to collect donations,
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 03:25 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deaner View Post
Next time something like that happens we should ask Jesus to make him sound like a chimp. Y'know; getting to jump around a bit and chattering at people.

Hell, we could even get him to collect donations,
I swear to Christ, Brother Deaner, it was the most amazing thing. Just as soon as his noggin hit the pool floor (and what a sound that was), he started making the damndest sound. He just brayed and honked and I had a hard time Praying over him because I was laughing so much.

You should go down to their trailer and hear the boy for yourself. He's a full-on retard.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 10:29 AM

Im' real sorry Pastor Ezekal Sir that son wasnt' never right in the head to begin with now hes' gone and made hisself worse i aint' got no idea why my kids didnt' turn out better but i guess if God would of wanted me to have smarter kids He would of blessed me with them.
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 04:10 PM

Perhaps I should spend some time ministering to him. A sleepover on Saturday night, perhaps?


"Come Unto Me. Put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath." (Matthew 19:14, Job 1:11).
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 04:51 PM

Hi their Mr. Alex Sir may bee you should ive' tried every thing i dissiplin (sp?) my kids just like the Pastors show me in the Bible and just like my daddy done to me but nothing works may bee your the answer to my prayers.
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Exclamation Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 05:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
It was the one off my exercise room, and it's a mess. I'm waiting for Jimmy-Roy to get his lazy butt down here and scrub his idiot boy's blood off my Greek marble!
Honestly, people are so inconsiderate.
What do they expect you to do in the mean time, ride a golf cart all the way to the other side of the house when you need to quick dip to cool off after a hard work out with your personal trainer?
The lack of respect these days is frightening!


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Smile Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 05:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I swear to Christ, Brother Deaner, it was the most amazing thing. Just as soon as his noggin hit the pool floor (and what a sound that was), he started making the damndest sound. He just brayed and honked and I had a hard time Praying over him because I was laughing so much.

You should go down to their trailer and hear the boy for yourself. He's a full-on retard.
Maybe you can have him serve drinks at next Saturdays Poker N' Prayer game?


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 08:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deaner View Post
we could even get him to collect donations,
Oh my goodness, think of the adorable outfits we could make for him as he brings the collection plate down the aisle!

Does the church organ have an option where the music can sound like an organ grinder?
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-29-2012, 09:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie View Post
Oh my goodness, think of the adorable outfits we could make for him as he brings the collection plate down the aisle!

Does the church organ have an option where the music can sound like an organ grinder?

I'm not sure that's such a good idea . . . Might that not encourage furryism?


Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-30-2012, 01:01 AM

Oh, but the kids would LOVE it!

Maybe he can just be set loose in the Sunday school part?
.
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-30-2012, 01:10 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I swear to Christ, Brother Deaner, it was the most amazing thing. Just as soon as his noggin hit the pool floor (and what a sound that was), he started making the damndest sound. He just brayed and honked and I had a hard time Praying over him because I was laughing so much.

You should go down to their trailer and hear the boy for yourself. He's a full-on retard.
You probably drowned him with the snot coming out of your nose from laughing.

Then again, and you being the guy always looking for a laugh; you most likely just put your knee on his adam's apple and just kept it there until you couldn't laugh anymore.
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-30-2012, 01:20 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie View Post
Oh, but the kids would LOVE it!

Maybe he can just be set loose in the Sunday school part?
.
C'mon sweetie; and no disprespect intended...

... But you're the one that wants to be let loose in Sunday School right?
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-30-2012, 01:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie View Post
Does the church organ have an option where the music can sound like an organ grinder?
... or / and a harmonica.

The true pro's use a bottle of malt liquour as part of their "how I roll'" look.
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Default Re: Local Boy Turns Retard - 08-30-2012, 01:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I swear to Christ, Brother Deaner, it was the most amazing thing. Just as soon as his noggin hit the pool floor (and what a sound that was), he started making the damndest sound. He just brayed and honked and I had a hard time Praying over him because I was laughing so much.

You should go down to their trailer and hear the boy for yourself. He's a full-on retard.
Referring to your remark about his head hitting the pool floor; was it like an ecohoing sound... kinda like...

Help me yaaaa! Please help me! Please help me ya for God's fuckinga sake. I'ma starting to see the blacka snakea! Jesusa Zeke! Jesusa Deaner! Jesusa Mistress Cookie!!! I sweara; I never sin againa. Please, pleasa... help this old mana... pleasa!!!!!!
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