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Default Is Jesus the Original No-Fap Guru? - 05-21-2021, 06:17 PM

Masturbation is one of the many depraved practices of the unsaved soul, destined for eternal damnation (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5). Indeed, masturbation is so repulsive to Jesus (Deuteronomy 23:10) that He talks about it in the same context of defecation, which He orders not to be done in His proximity, and to be covered up immediately after (Deuteronomy 23:13). As Jesus exists everywhere, He can see every time a man's hands wander down his pants. Indeed, He can see the very first moment of swelling that inspires the wayward hand to sin. And He isn't happy.

"Fapping" forgive me, this word comes from the sound made by aggressive, sloppy masturbation upon the fragile and oft raw male member, is ever easier in today's world but the science that explains the health and mental benefits of practicing "No-Fap" is catching up to thousands of years of Biblical knowledge.

Science shows that unmarried men who practice semen retention experience increased stamina, vitality, mental prowess (testosterone works like magic when crossing the blood/brain barrier). Semen retention resets domapine levels, making it possible to quit addictions and enjoy ordinary things in life again. It is correlated with weight loss and hair regrowth, and some have experienced gray hair returning to its original color. Men and women can sense a difference in unmarried men who retain their semen as opposed to those who carelessly spill it on the ground, or in a sock, or in the shower, or whatever teenagers learn first to trigger that dopamine reward.

Jesus tells us that simply finding a person sexually attractive who is not their lawfully wedded wife is a form of adultery, a sin punishable by death (Matthew 5:28). Furthermore, He preached the end of the world coming soon (Matthew 3:2), and no captain of the guards wants to have to watch soldiers running out of their tents pulling up their trousers with looks of surprise and pain on their faces.

As a mother to many sons, this is a topic close to my heart because I know Satan has worked hard to rule this world as a hotbed of fappulitious opportunities. I have told my sons time and time again I will be so cross if we get raptured and I turn to see my sons in the midst of self-rape as we float up above the trees into the clouds, their pajama bottoms tangled up around their scrawny ankles. A mother scorned will have her say in Heaven, mark my words. To this end, when my sons start to reach puberty, I make sure they understand I am sitting in a chair reading the Bible outside their bedroom doors. At any moment I hear the slightest noise, and sometimes when I don't, they can expect me to walk in without benefit of knocking. They know this is for their own good and have thanked me for it. We talk about masturbation all the time, and I share with them the importance of healthy orgasms, which should only occur within the vaginal parameters of a lawfully wedded wife, like their father enjoys with me. These conversations start at around age 11. Jesus wants boys to grow to be married and have children in order to secure dominion over the earth (Genesis 1:26-28), and I am doing my part.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Is Jesus the Original No-Fap Guru? - 05-21-2021, 10:32 PM

Sister Mary, thank you for sharing with others how to be a good True Christian™ mother. I can imagine there are many mothers of little boys out there who are beside themselves with worry about masturbation.

Hammering home to little boys that Jesus sees them at night and even deep under the covers will surely stop some of the sin that Satan puts in their brains.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Is Jesus the Original No-Fap Guru? - 05-22-2021, 02:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
I have told my sons time and time again I will be so cross if we get raptured and I turn to see my sons in the midst of self-rape as we float up above the trees into the clouds, their pajama bottoms tangled up around their scrawny ankles.
Amen! Amen! The very thought of your own mother catching you red-handed and red-faced at the point of no return as you desecrate a hand towel, should make any son cringe with horror. The physical sensation of ejaculating the prized family seed provides momentary distraction from a growing realization - yours, that your d*ck might look small from her angle - hers, that that's the towel she uses to wipe her face - both, that something terrible has just happened. Murder, sin. The pain is so real it could have happened yesterday.


Ephesians 5:18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit
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Default Re: Is Jesus the Original No-Fap Guru? - 05-23-2021, 09:17 AM

There's a group, the ORGanization Against Sons' and Mothers' Sins, which helps men stop being sissy boys and grow the hell up in these situations.


Ephesians 5:18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit
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Default Re: Is Jesus the Original No-Fap Guru? - 05-24-2021, 09:12 PM

We know from the Bible (KJV1611) that there are some sins that God considers so egregious that He takes care of the punishment Himself - and the spilling of seed is one of them.

Quote:
And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar. And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him. And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

- Genesis 38:6-10
There have been some high profile cases where it is evident that God is still taking care of matters directly, but they have usually been incidents that have included gerbils and ball gags where the press has taken an interest (and the "cause" of death has been listed in "medical" terms - like "Asphyxiation").

There is every reason to believe that God is still punishing the spilling of seed, but those numbers are hidden today by the medical establishment. I've watched any number of episodes of CSI on TV, but nowhere does anyone carry a test kit for spilled seed, and the autopsy always list other things as the "cause of death" when it comes to seed spilling.


Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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