Investment Advice, Please

[BrotherLarry]

Today I received an envelope marked "URGENT! INVEST IN HEAVEN TODAY!" from a company called Celestial Storehouse. Inside was a reminder that we should not be collecting treasures here, but rather setting up for our Heavenly Home in Glory. Deuteronomy 32:34 speaks of God's storehouses (notice the plural; for you ladies, that means more than one).


Matthew 6:20 was mentioned in the personalized letter. I was told that rather than tithing to my local church, it is best to tithe to Jesus Himself by setting up a Celestial Storehouse with a recommended weekly donation of $15,000 or more. But that's not all! If I set up an account by February 1, I will also be guaranteed a part of the firmament to call my very own. Imagine all of your heavenly neighbors green with envy over the fact that they do not own a piece of the firmament, but YOU DO! Isn't that a great feeling? I am feeling like shouting Hallelujah. However, since I am an intelligent, handsome, well built certified equine gnathologist, I do not want to squander my riches in Glory. I am therefore coming to you, my brothers in Christ, to tell me what you think a fair price is for such an investment. Is $15,000 too pricey?


I believe in the firmament, as all Christians should - but what will be the need for ownership of it once we fly through the air to meet Jesus and have supper? Will there be charges for upkeep, or will that even be a concern in our mansion Jesus has prepared for us?


I hope I don't seem like a foolish child to worry about such things, but I want to do what's right. May God richly bless those who offer advice.

[Vince Coreleone]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

I would say $15,000 would be about right for the low end. I have to agree that giving it all to Jesus would be the way to go. Hope this helps.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

I was told that rather than tithing to my local church, it is best to tithe to Jesus Himself

My dear, innocent, trusting, gullible brother in Christ. You are a good man with a good heart, but.... You are the the charlatan's greatest hope.

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
By their fruits you will recognize them. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?
Matthew 7:15-16

What fruits does this corporation have that Landover Baptist Church lacks? Have you seen the latest plans for Pastor Zeke's jet? It's going to be grander and more opulent than President Trumps when it's all ready! The Agar wood (price per kilogram: $8,313!) and platinum trim will show the heathens in all the four corners of the earth just who God blesses the most! Far be it from me to tell you what to do, dear, but keep in mind there's no reason to skimp on your responsibilities to help provide the kind of pomp and circumstance befitting the Ambassador of Christ to the Lost that would herald the Coming of the LORD.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

Today I received an envelope marked "URGENT! INVEST IN HEAVEN TODAY!" from a company called Celestial Storehouse. Inside was a reminder that we should not be collecting treasures here, but rather setting up for our Heavenly Home in Glory. Deuteronomy 32:34 speaks of God's storehouses (notice the plural; for you ladies, that means more than one).


Matthew 6:20 was mentioned in the personalized letter. I was told that rather than tithing to my local church, it is best to tithe to Jesus Himself by setting up a Celestial Storehouse with a recommended weekly donation of $15,000 or more. But that's not all! If I set up an account by February 1, I will also be guaranteed a part of the firmament to call my very own. Imagine all of your heavenly neighbors green with envy over the fact that they do not own a piece of the firmament, but YOU DO! Isn't that a great feeling? I am feeling like shouting Hallelujah. However, since I am an intelligent, handsome, well built certified equine gnathologist, I do not want to squander my riches in Glory. I am therefore coming to you, my brothers in Christ, to tell me what you think a fair price is for such an investment. Is $15,000 too pricey?


I believe in the firmament, as all Christians should - but what will be the need for ownership of it once we fly through the air to meet Jesus and have supper? Will there be charges for upkeep, or will that even be a concern in our mansion Jesus has prepared for us?


I hope I don't seem like a foolish child to worry about such things, but I want to do what's right. May God richly bless those who offer advice.

It always amazes me how consistent The Bible is. Deluded freaks will say something they made up last night, just before passing out from excessive fumes, is supported by God. For instance

OBADIAH 1 .KJV
5b If the grapegatherers came to thee, would they not leave some grapes?

could support the delusion that one is a grape. Due to making grape vodka from family members the grapegatherers decided to crush the world for such wanton fratricide and, stumbling over the Kipp's generator prior to hitting the deck so getting a good lungful on the way down, Freak 1 imagines these gatherers in their mercy to leave some grapes unsquashed for regeneration.

Suddenly, hallucinating Freak 1 awakes. All around are grapes, blue grapes, red grapes, mauve, green and puce grapes some with legs some with wings and all singing. Freaks 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6 as Freak 1 is now convinced: "See, it says so right there in The Bible!!"

"The grapegatherers have been merciful leaving some grapes to generate after the great squashing; look! Do you not see grapes? Were they not spared?" but due to overlooking the context Obadiah 1:1-21 this wasted freak gets arrested trying to generate with Freak 6, the puce grape, which in reality was not a grape at all. Although seeming plausible, Freak 1 is exposed by a simple Bible reading.

I'm not going to show the fullest context concerning firmamental real estate but rely on the inerrant consistency of God's message highlighting a couple of passages which could be relevant. Has the salesperson detailed which firmament is offered here? I only ask because God has defined His terms so that we will know.

Genesis 1:7-8 .. Revelation 21:1
Revelation 22:5

God explains here that the firmament has a name. This is a temporary arrangement and The Bible is clear what happens to it. But we are not left abandoned, cast aside like pomace for methane production, but promised an eternal status in the second.—.permanent.—.scheme. Before investing a simple question referring to the passages I've cited may be prudent.

[Bubba Buck]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

Peter Popoff, a minister who claims to talk to Jesus has personally sent me letters asking for my money so he can send it straight to Jesus. In return, I've received a holy string, a little vial of REAL HOLY WATER, and a blessed wristband so far. Utilizing these artifacts blessed by God is sure to bring good fortune back some day. I'm only at the 3000 mark though and haven't made it to the top tier to be saved yet. Maybe 15,000 would surely get you to the top with the help of Peter Popoff.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

Peter Popoff, a minister who claims to talk to Jesus has personally sent me letters asking for my money so he can send it straight to Jesus. In return, I've received a holy string, a little vial of REAL HOLY WATER, and a blessed wristband so far. Utilizing these artifacts blessed by God is sure to bring good fortune back some day. I'm only at the 3000 mark though and haven't made it to the top tier to be saved yet. Maybe 15,000 would surely get you to the top with the help of Peter Popoff.

NOTHING involving "holy water" leads in any direction other than DOWN.

There is no such thing as ACTUAL holy water although criminals do market a product so labelled.
There is no such thing as holy string. Did the return address include the words "Kabbalah" or "Centre" by any chance?
I have yet to be shown how any inanimate object can attain "Blessèd" status or how special magic can be transmitted from any dead object (such as a bit of toenail or gem encrusted tooth) to any living soul. Non-special-magic is transmitted by demons and does not involve blessing; in that case it is witchcraft and very much common- or garden-variety devil worship as exemplified by popes whose mumbojumbo tends to engender earthquakes. This can happen retroactively:

When the pope asked them if they were married, the couple revealed the story of how the deadly quake had forced them to cancel their wedding. The pontiff asked if they would like him to conduct the ceremony right there on the plane, and they agreed. The pope asked them repeatedly if they were sure, but they didn't waiver. Pope Francis blessed the wedding rings the couple have worn since their civil ceremony.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/pope-francis-marries-chile-flight-attendants-latam-airlines-flight-chile/

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

Peter Popoff, a minister who claims to talk to Jesus has personally sent me letters asking for my money so he can send it straight to Jesus. In return, I've received a holy string, a little vial of REAL HOLY WATER, and a blessed wristband so far. Utilizing these artifacts blessed by God is sure to bring good fortune back some day. I'm only at the 3000 mark though and haven't made it to the top tier to be saved yet. Maybe 15,000 would surely get you to the top with the help of Peter Popoff.

Brother Buck,


I, too, am blessed to be on the mailing list of Brother Popoff. In addition to the items you mentioned, I have a plastic shofar, a cherry lifesaver which I was to kiss and mail back to him, (and I did), a gold crayon that I used to color the gold crown I was to wear for 7 hours and then send back to him along with a photo of me wearing it, 7 keys to heaven's gates (I was told to put a different key on my keychain for 7 days and pray a special prayer so $50,000 would come to me miraculously - it hasn't arrived yet, but it will), and water from the Jordan River. The instructions for the river water were quite simple: I was to step over it 7 times as a gesture of crossing the River Jordan, then I was to pray 7 times the following: "Lord Jesus, in YOUR NAME I claim my special passport to the Promised Land. I repent of my sins and know that one day when I cross the river, You will be there to guide my footsteps through the muddy waters into the Land of Heavenly Eternal Life. Amen!"


I can't wait to see what I get this week or next. None of the promised blessings have shown up as of today - but my, it's fun waiting for them. I should post pictures of some of these items.

[janellcain]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

I'm also interested in this, thanks for the information!

[James Hutchins]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

After years of shellfish research and long talks with some of the finest Biblical scholars in the world, I've found that giving to a Church that gives it all back 10 times and absolutely, positively guarantees True Salvation™ is the very best investment a person could make.

What is 100 years of living as a person on Gods Perfect Earth© compared to an eternity of sitting upon the Right Hand of .
Invest in your soul. It may seem worthless now but think of the dividends!

-

[Bubba Buck]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

NOTHING involving "holy water" leads in any direction other than DOWN.

There is no such thing as ACTUAL holy water although criminals do market a product so labelled.
There is no such thing as holy string. Did the return address include the words "Kabbalah" or "Centre" by any chance?
I have yet to be shown how any inanimate object can attain "Blessèd" status or how special magic can be transmitted from any dead object (such as a bit of toenail or gem encrusted tooth) to any living soul. Non-special-magic is transmitted by demons and does not involve blessing; in that case it is witchcraft and very much common- or garden-variety devil worship as exemplified by popes whose mumbojumbo tends to engender earthquakes. This can happen retroactively:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/pope-francis-marries-chile-flight-attendants-latam-airlines-flight-chile/

I have no reason to doubt Brother Popoff's words about how he was listening in on God's word as well as his discovery of the relics blessed by Jesus himself to help bring salvation to others. Brother Larry is also on his mailing list if you scroll up a bit. Any man who can recite the book of Leviticus in his letters as well as vote for Trump is good in my corner. Why, just last week I finished tooting on the GOLDEN Plastic SHOFAR so that God himself could hear my prayers and pleads for repentance of my sins. Being a former faggot, I used to blow on many things. Now that I have Jesus in my life, the only thing I need to blow is God's words out of my mouth to pray for salvation and happiness!

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

Have you considered praying in Hebrew? It seems only a few words are needed, repeated but not so much Matthew 6:7 as would annoy God, and I'm not sure which words. He would then make investment recommendations clearly -- but not if your repetitions were vain. There may be an opportunity soon of interest to you in textiles. I'll let you know if I hear anything.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

Glory!


My letter from Brother Popoff this week contined two small vials of holy water from the Jordan River. One was colored blue and the other was colored yellow. I am to pray over them while touching them for seven days. On the eve of the seventh day, I am supposed to pour them into a little container that has been taken to church and placed on the altar (he tells me to obtain permission from the pastor) during the service.


I am to mix the water together. He says if it turns green, I am guaranteed a financial blessing of at least $58,390! Glory! He says to tithe ten percent of that amount when I return the little card that has two places to check. One says, YES! My water turned green! and the other says NO! The Lord will still bless me but my water did not change color. Either way the tithe is to be the same.


Hallelujah! Isn't God wonderful?


Anyway, I have decided to tithe to Landover rather than trying to buy some of the firmament at this time. I appreciate all the comments and prayers. And again, if you aren't already on Brother Popoff's mailing list, write to him and request some of the miracle water. Just use the prayer request form on his site: peterpopoff.org.


Don't write to his home address on Long Canyon Blvd because that would be an invasion of his privacy. That would be like posting Pastor Zeke's address, which is PROHIBITED INFO DELETED

[FinaAbbar]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

Like to hear from you. I would appreciate your efforts and all the best for the future enforcement. I am fina abbar working with the jeddahmovers. A famous***seductive probes to discard Jesus removed by moderator***.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

I have been investing heavily in jewels for some years now. Not any jewels, but very special ones only found in the firmament. I have purchased over a thousand of these precious gems. The poor fools call them stars and I don't think they know what they've got! So I'm eating their lunch!

FAQ

How visible will my star be?

We only ever name stars that are clearly visible online with a magnitude that ensures it can be located with a telescope.

What is the star deed?

A star Deed is the 250gsm (Thickness) professionally printed award that we send you upon purchase. This will contain the name of your star, the memorable date, personal message, signatures of deed provisioner and of course the Star-Name-Registry official embossed seal of approval.

Does the name last forever?

Our registry will last forever! All of our deeds are backed up in a secure location so we can always provide duplicate copies of the deed! Further more, our Registry has a unique database that cannot be renamed or edited without your own approval.

I was smart enough to get in early so I bought up most of the brightest stars in their inventory. So you are looking at the owner of a significant proportion of the firmament right here. Don't ask if my gems are for sale. This is my retirement and guarantee of richness in heaven when Jesus calls me to his side. See the FAQ above - this is FOREVER.

[Paul Tarzan]

Re: Investment Advice, Please

1. Sell your gargantuan Freehold lands.2. Use the money to feed the poor...with how much it's worth, it's probably enough to feed and shelter every homeless person in Iowa.


(per Matthew 19:21, Mark 10:21 and Luke 18:22)