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Default Tithing Recipes - 09-16-2006, 09:04 PM

A good Christian homemaker needs to help her family meet it's tithing obligatons and still put food on the table. For that reason, Tithing Recipes have become our Lord's favorite recipes for good Christians. On this thread, we will post recipes that put food on the table for less than a dollar (I'm talking green-back US dollars here, so do your own conversion if you're so unfortunate to live elsewhere)

Anyway, I'll start with Mother Glynndie's Hoe Cakes, and you all can add your favorites.


Mother Glendora's Hoe Cakes
  • 2 cups corn meal
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups boiling water
  • oil for frying
Put the tea kettle on to boil. In a large bowl combine the corn meal and salt. Pour the boiling water over the cornmeal and stir it up. The cornmeal will swell up, absorbing the water, and making a very thick mash.
Heat some oil in a large skillet over medium high heat. You can use as little as two tablespoon of oil per panful, but it is a little easier to use 4 or 5 tablespoons of oil for each panful. Now scoop up a little of the cornmeal mush (about 1/4-cup) and shape it into a patty. It will still be warm from the boiling water, so be careful not to burn yourself. Plop the patty into the hot fat, and get it to frying. Make some more, until you have a whole pan full. I usually cook about 4 or 5 at a time. When the underside is crispy brown, turn them and cook the other side. When both sides are crispy and brown, transfer them to a plate to keep warm, and start another batch. This recipe makes about 12 hoe cakes and can feed your family for less than a dollar.


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Default 09-18-2006, 12:29 PM

Rice surprise

Boil a pot of water. Add rice. Simmer for roughly ten minutes. Sieve. Serve. If you wish to go all out, you may wish to consider adding soy sauce or a similar condiment, but remember - every penny you spend on soy sauce goes directly to heathen orientals, and when it should be going to JESUS!


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default 09-18-2006, 12:37 PM

Personally, I don't cook.
I employ a Housemaid and Cook to do all thos menial tasks.

However, I found the following scratched out on a piece of paper which must have been left behind after my last Cook disappeared in mysterious circumstances.

Quite frankly, I didn't even realise Messicans could read. I certainly didn't realise she had been allowed to own a Pencil!!

WET BOTTOM SHOO FLY PIE

2 cups flour
Blend into crumbs w/1 cup sugar, 1/2 cup Crisco, 1/2 tsp. salt

In a Separate Bowl mix together:

1 cup molasses (or dark Karo)
1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
2 eggs, (beaten)

-Stir half of the crumb mixture into the liquid mixture.
-Line pie tin with crust.
-Pour mixture into pie crust and sprinkle with remaining crumbs on top.
-Bake 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Then bake at 300 degrees for 30 minutes.

.



Sister Talitha

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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default 09-18-2006, 04:23 PM

Bottled Water

Now you can be like the unsaved blue-state yuppies* who spend ridiculous amounts of money on bottled water to avoid drinking what comes out of the tap. Just capture rain in a pot and pour it into bottles. Think of all of the money that you'll save relative to buying gourmet designer bottled water. It's especially good once the water company has cut you off for tithing the money that unsaved secularists think you should have used to pay the water bill.

*except for the parts about being unsaved and living in a blue state


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Default 09-18-2006, 04:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by More Saved Than Thou View Post
Bottled Water

Now you can be like the unsaved blue-state yuppies* who spend ridiculous amounts of money on bottled water to avoid drinking what comes out of the tap. Just capture rain in a pot and pour it into bottles. Think of all of the money that you'll save relative to buying gourmet designer bottled water. It's especially good once the water company has cut you off for tithing the money that unsaved secularists think you should have used to pay the water bill.

*except for the parts about being unsaved and living in a blue state
This reminds me of hot dog or hard boiled egg soup.

Use only one hotdog or hard boiled egg to remain in the under $1.

Personally I've been eating a lot of beans recently.

Not the fancy Goya beans

But the less expensive generic version of the same.

Also, the word goya just makes me think of joos for some reason.

2 Samuel 17:28 Brought beds, and basons, and earthen vessels, and wheat, and barley, and flour, and parched corn, and beans, and lentiles, and parched pulse,

29 And honey, and butter, and sheep, and cheese of kine, for David, and for the people that were with him, to eat: for they said, The people is hungry, and weary, and thirsty, in the wilderness.


FYI, one can of beans is more than 3.5 servings, and normally costs less than 50 cents. I can feed myself for a week for right around $10, praise Jesus! That's just that much more love offering money, for our Lord and Personal Saviour ®.

YIC
V
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Glendora Christianson Glendora Christianson is offline
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Default Snickerdoodles & Thanks Talitha - 09-18-2006, 06:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
WET BOTTOM SHOO FLY PIE

2 cups flour
Blend into crumbs w/1 cup sugar, 1/2 cup Crisco, 1/2 tsp. salt

In a Separate Bowl mix together:

1 cup molasses (or dark Karo)
1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
2 eggs, (beaten)

-Stir half of the crumb mixture into the liquid mixture.
-Line pie tin with crust.
-Pour mixture into pie crust and sprinkle with remaining crumbs on top.
-Bake 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Then bake at 300 degrees for 30 minutes.
Thanks for that delightful sounding recipe, sister Talitha. I will try it. And don't feel bad about having hired help in your home. Our Lord Jesus Christ knows how much "bizzier" rich folks are and you are HIS favorites, so just enjoy. Here's that Snickerdoodle recipe you've all been trying to get. And yes, it can be made for less than a dollar as long as you purchase your ingredients in large quantities (50lb flour)(25lb sugar)(flats of eggs).

Mother Glendora's Snickerdoodles
  • 1/2 cup margarine (1 stick)
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 1 medium egg
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1-2/3 cups flour
  • 2 tablespoons white sugar mixed with 1-1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
In a large bowl mash together the margarine and sugar. Add the egg and beat until everything is creamy. Add the baking powder, salt and flour. Stir it up until you have a nice thick dough. In a cereal bowl, combine the cinnamon and 2 tablespoons sugar.
Shape the dough into balls the size of a walnut. Roll them in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Place the coated balls on an oiled cookie sheet. Using the bottom of a smooth cup or glass, press the dough down to flatten the cookies slightly. Bake them at 375F° for 10 minutes.


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Default 09-18-2006, 06:03 PM

Quote:
Mother Glendora's Hoe Cakes
  • 2 cups corn meal
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups boiling water
  • oil for frying
Mother Glendora, you're the greatest example of an honest christian wife. Good looks and good cooks...

Could you, by any chance, send me some of those wonderful hoe cakes?
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Glendora Christianson Glendora Christianson is offline
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Default 09-18-2006, 06:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by andrewisI View Post

Mother Glendora, you're the greatest example of an honest christian wife. Good looks and good cooks...

Could you, by any chance, send me some of those wonderful hoe cakes?
They probably wouldn't taste too good as they are best when still warm. By the way, the name Hoe Cakes came from the first American settlers, who got the recipe from the injuns (after killing them, of course) and used to cook the Hoe Cakes over an open fire on the blades of their hoes. Of course, if the hoes were covered with injun blood and gore, they would leave em on the fire a few minutes before cooking with them.


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Default 09-18-2006, 09:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
They probably wouldn't taste too good as they are best when still warm. By the way, the name Hoe Cakes came from the first American settlers, who got the recipe from the injuns (after killing them, of course) and used to cook the Hoe Cakes over an open fire on the blades of their hoes. Of course, if the hoes were covered with injun blood and gore, they would leave em on the fire a few minutes before cooking with them.
Why Sister Glendora, I do believe my Wet Bottom Shoo Fly Pie originally came from that very same era.
Those pesky Injun Terrorists must have traded cooking secrets with the Messicans.
I'm not sure where the Molesasses came from so I guess they made-do.

Thanks for your concern regarding my having to get in hired help. Luckily I have good security around me and no Negra would ever get far if they tried their Pie-thieving ways at my home.



Sister Talitha

Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default 09-18-2006, 09:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother V View Post
This reminds me of hot dog or hard boiled egg soup.

Use only one hotdog or hard boiled egg to remain in the under $1.

Personally I've been eating a lot of beans recently.

Not the fancy Goya beans

But the less expensive generic version of the same.

Also, the word goya just makes me think of joos for some reason.

2 Samuel 17:28 Brought beds, and basons, and earthen vessels, and wheat, and barley, and flour, and parched corn, and beans, and lentiles, and parched pulse,

29 And honey, and butter, and sheep, and cheese of kine, for David, and for the people that were with him, to eat: for they said, The people is hungry, and weary, and thirsty, in the wilderness.


FYI, one can of beans is more than 3.5 servings, and normally costs less than 50 cents. I can feed myself for a week for right around $10, praise Jesus! That's just that much more love offering money, for our Lord and Personal Saviour ®.

YIC
V
hate to reply to myself... but I recommend this product...

BEANO

You, and everyone around you will appreciate that you use it.

Trust me!

V
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Default Rice Cereal for Brother T's Left-over Rice - 09-18-2006, 11:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance View Post
Rice surprise

Boil a pot of water. Add rice. Simmer for roughly ten minutes. Sieve. Serve. If you wish to go all out, you may wish to consider adding soy sauce or a similar condiment, but remember - every penny you spend on soy sauce goes directly to heathen orientals, and when it should be going to JESUS!

Hot Rice Cereal
  • 2 cups leftover cooked rice
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1 tablespoon margarine
  • 1/4 cup raisins or dates (optional)
  • dash salt
  • dash cinnamon
In a medium sized saucepan combine the rice, milk, margarine, raisins or dates and salt. Add the raisins too, if you are using them. Stir the mixture over medium heat until it is heated through, and the margarine is melted. Simmer for a minute or two to thicken. Serve immediately, while it is hot.
This recipe is a great way to reheat leftover rice, especially if you don’t have a microwave. The rice will absorb some of the milk as it heats. If you like, you can pass a pitcher of cold milk or cream at the table to thin it out some. This recipe will serve 4 moderately hungry people, or 2 starving adults. It is easily doubled for more servings.


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Default 09-18-2006, 11:44 PM

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Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
They probably wouldn't taste too good as they are best when still warm. By the way, the name Hoe Cakes came from the first American settlers, who got the recipe from the injuns (after killing them, of course) and used to cook the Hoe Cakes over an open fire on the blades of their hoes. Of course, if the hoes were covered with injun blood and gore, they would leave em on the fire a few minutes before cooking with them.
I hate to correct you (again) Mother G, but I know that you don't want to leave the impression that our Landover Baptist Forefathers were practicing some form of divination. I'm fairly certain that they extracted this recipe PRIOR TO slaughtering the redskins righteously in God's Name.

Frankly, I doubt that any squaws had the mental capacity to follow a recipe of any kind. More likely one of our Godly children thought it up.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Forgive me Zeke and Cattails on the Cob - 09-19-2006, 03:07 AM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I hate to correct you (again) Mother G, but I know that you don't want to leave the impression that our Landover Baptist Forefathers were practicing some form of divination. I'm fairly certain that they extracted this recipe PRIOR TO slaughtering the redskins righteously in God's Name.

Frankly, I doubt that any squaws had the mental capacity to follow a recipe of any kind. More likely one of our Godly children thought it up.
who got the recipe from the injuns (after killing them, of course)

What was I thinking, Pastor Zeke? I guess I imagined the settlers taking the recipe file out of the injun's kitchen after they killed them. Of course, there is always Deuteronomy 21:11-14. Which means they killed the buck injuns and just the ugly squaws.

While we're talking about injuns, there is a free source of food that our platimum tithers might want to consider:

Cattails On The Cob
(They really are tasty and free)

Gather green cattail spikes in the springtime (these will be almost full sized, but not the least bit brown). Place in a pot and cover with water, boil for 10 to 15 minutes. When done, drain and serve with butter. Eat like corn on the cob (the part you're eating is the tender seeds, just like with corn).


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Default 09-19-2006, 11:57 AM

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Originally Posted by Brother V View Post

Not the fancy Goya beans

But the less expensive generic version of the same.

Also, the word goya just makes me think of joos for some reason.
No wonder. Goya painted this famous image of a Joo celebrating Pesach with a Christian baby.

I wonder why they thought naming their product after him would be a good way to sell beans?


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Default Re: Tithing Recipes - 01-26-2007, 04:26 AM

I have a recipe that was passed down to my unSaved mother from my unSaved grandmother who first came upon this wonderful dish back in the 30s.

Soup Kitchen Tomato Soup

- 2 tbsp W Brand Ketchup
- 1 cup boiling water
- 1 cracker

Bless their poor, damned Papist souls, every day my father and grandfather had a nice, hearty cup of soup for lunch, and they never lacked the strength to give us kids a good thrashing.

Edit: I forgot to add that my foremothers used Heinz ketchup, but that's just one more mark against them in the Book of Life.


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Last edited by Mrs. Mary Whitford; 01-26-2007 at 04:28 AM. Reason: Yes, it matters what kind of ketchup!
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Default Re: Tithing Recipes - 01-26-2007, 06:55 AM

Ahh, ladies, all these recipes remind me of how, just a few years ago, Rosa came to me and told me her brother Pablo wanted to open a little cooking business on my property. It seems he'd figured out an efficient way to produce a traditional family cold medicine, and was afraid that if his recipe got out, the Big Pharmaceutical companies would steal it!

Being the thoughtful and generous fellow I am, I agreed to rent him a secluded 2,000 square foot cabin on my property, in exchange for the paltry sum of $15000 a month, plus yard and cleaning laborers to help out my staff. He happily agreed, with the stipulation that I would use my considerable local influence to ensure that the police did not allow anyone to invade his privacy.

A few weeks later, trucks began arriving every few days, delivering his supplies. Cases of Sudafed, lye, iodine, denatured alcohol, and other items. Once I saw the exhaust fans blowing smoke out the vents, I knew he was in business!

About this time, my regular staff grew upset and they all quit. I assumed it was because I'd arranged for additional labor to help them, and maybe they thought I was going to cut their pay. Rosa said they were afraid of Pablo and his methods, or something.

Well, I didn't want him attracting undue attention from his competitors or driving off new staff members, so I generously added filtration devices and improved ventilation hoods for his cooking area.

Shortly, I saw the vehicles carrying his cold medicine off to the distributor -- armored Hummers. Goodness, it almost made me wish I got colds now and then, if the stuff was that precious a cargo!

Finally, he brought two laborers by; a young woman to clean house, and a young man, to do the yard work. "Come now," I asked, "Do you really think TWO people can handle my estate? I had a staff of twenty!"

Pablo assured me that they could manage. You see, they'd had his medicine and been miraculously healed of pneumonia, and were eager to show their gratitude.

Imagine my surprise when I got up the next morning! They'd both worked all night long, and were still at it. I nearly tripped over the young lady, who was on hands and knees, scrubbing the marble tile in the foyer with a toothbrush. "Eet must be peerfect!" she exclaimed. "PEERFECT!" And goodness, was it shiny! Strangely, so were the ceilings. I do believe she'd waxed them.

The young man? Why, he was cutting the lawn one blade at a time with nail clippers, and putting each clipped blade in a collection bin as he went! "Must use SHARP cleepers," he said. "Otherwise, grass BURRRN from sun! Cleep, cleeep, cleeeep!"

He had already trimmed all the hedges into topiaries depicting scenes from the Bible -- I saw Onan and his wife, Lot with his two daughters, Jonathan and David expressing their brother-like love, Samson with Delilah, and what I believed to be Jacob wrestling God -- vacuumed the driveway, and installed a raked-stone Zen garden. "I got many stones from vacuuming driveway," he explained. "I sort them good and make garden, you like?" While I'd normally rebuke him for using a Buddhist style, the result was so stunning -- especially considering he'd sorted the stones by color and size and arranged them entirely in the dark -- that I was speechless.

I'm not sure where Pablo learned his methods, but I sure was glad to have the maker of the world's best cold medicine cooking right here on my property!

Sadly, Pablo's nightmare came true. Only a few days later, half a dozen black helicopters with logos from a certain company began circling the cabin. Surely, this must be Big Pharm, coming to cash in on Pablo's secret family recipe.

I heard gunshots, then a sudden loud blast as the cabin exploded in a ball of fire! Apparently, Pablo's cooking methods led to highly flammable by-products.

Alas, Pablo and his family recipe are no more. And the laborers? They seemed to run out of steam the day after the explosion, and wandered off down the road, twitching and muttering to themselves.

Happily, the people from the black helicopters gave me $150,000 in bearer bonds and the free use of an industrial cleanup contractor to remove the remnants of the cabin, in exchange for not revealing the name of their company.

All's well that ends well, I always say!

Edit: Oh, I almost forgot the point! This thread is about tithing recipes. Pablo's family recipe allowed me to title an extra $1,500 a month for several months, PLUS another $15,000 out of the payment from Pf that unnamed company!

Last edited by OnYourKnees; 01-26-2007 at 06:57 AM.
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Default Re: Tithing Recipes - 01-27-2007, 03:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by OnYourKnees View Post
Ahh, ladies, all these recipes remind me of how, just a few years ago, Rosa came to me and told me her brother Pablo wanted to open a little cooking business on my property. It seems he'd figured out an efficient way to produce a traditional family cold medicine, and was afraid that if his recipe got out, the Big Pharmaceutical companies would steal it!

Being the thoughtful and generous fellow I am, I agreed to rent him a secluded 2,000 square foot cabin on my property, in exchange for the paltry sum of $15000 a month, plus yard and cleaning laborers to help out my staff. He happily agreed, with the stipulation that I would use my considerable local influence to ensure that the police did not allow anyone to invade his privacy.

A few weeks later, trucks began arriving every few days, delivering his supplies. Cases of Sudafed, lye, iodine, denatured alcohol, and other items. Once I saw the exhaust fans blowing smoke out the vents, I knew he was in business!
I'm sure the makers of Robitussin, Nyquil, and such will be quite worried . . . but does he make a non-drowsy or daytime formula? Seems he might want to leave out the alcohol and add some caffeine. Anyway, thanks for your account of (at least one Messican) who isn't running around stealing, selling drugs, or raping babies. I'll have to remember this story next time I'm at Wal-Mart watching the little mohitos trading in their old sneakers for free new ones.


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Default Re: Tithing Recipes - 01-27-2007, 05:04 PM

I was about to suggest that no one bother baking a Pie, because surely some neegroe would come along to steal it. Now that I see "Hoe Cakes" promoted I realize that it is Absolut-ly useless and that we are not immune to Theft from any quarter.

So perhaps I should just read a nice Harlequin Romance instead:



(Hmmm, that looks rather Salacious. And Pastor is due to drop by later. Perhaps I shall just re-read Love in the Time of Scurvy instead)
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Default Re: Tithing Recipes - 02-22-2007, 01:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
I have a recipe that was passed down to my unSaved mother from my unSaved grandmother who first came upon this wonderful dish back in the 30s.

Soup Kitchen Tomato Soup

- 2 tbsp W Brand Ketchup
- 1 cup boiling water
- 1 cracker
GLORY! A recipe from my childhood during our country's salad days under Brother Saint President Reagan, when Supply-Side Tomato Soup was enjoyed by practically everyone. The recipe? It's similar to the one above, except it requires a brief stop at McDonalds, where you'll pick up two or three free packets of tomato ketchup product. Then proceed as above. And know that Saint Ron is laughing at you as you enjoy your supper.


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I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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Default Re: Tithing Recipes - 02-22-2007, 10:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Lee View Post
GLORY! A recipe from my childhood during our country's salad days under Brother Saint President Reagan, when Supply-Side Tomato Soup was enjoyed by practically everyone. The recipe? It's similar to the one above, except it requires a brief stop at McDonalds, where you'll pick up two or three free packets of tomato ketchup product. Then proceed as above. And know that Saint Ron is laughing at you as you enjoy your supper.
Saint Ron is laughing, and so is the Laffer curve. The soup is a wonderful demonstration of "trickle down" economics. A rising tide does indeed lift all boats, and soup bowls.

Amen, Brother Lee


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