Help! Intruder shot on my property!

Jeb Stuart Thurmond · 02:04 PM

Emergency! All lawyers, private investigators, and public relations technicians contact me ASAP!

So I was having an evening with the boys, smoking some cigars and drinking brandy (in a non-revelery sort of way) when the smoke alarm (aka toast detector) went off. One swing of a golf club later the problem was solved and forgotten. Opinions differ as to what may or may not have happened next, but put yourself in my shoes:

Here you are, being a man, which means being responsbile for the defense of your family and/or property.

Suddenly a 6-foot musclebound man in a trenchcoat, helmet, and axe came running up and shouting something. It's not relevant, but I should point out the irrelevant fact that the axe-waving, shouting ogre-like man had an "urban" complection. Not his fault of course, and of course I'm racially colorblind, but how would you react?

Long story short, it was a fireman, and shots were fired, and the fireman got in the way of them.

Now, let's not go playing the blame game in this time of crisis. There will be plenty of time to figure out who shot who in the future, if you're the sort ot loser who can't just get over it.

Just remember that a man's house is his castle, and in Texas, the Middle East, and other God-fearing places a man can shoot any intruder with no questions asked.

Now, we're not talking about undercover police storming your house to seize pot or unpasturized milk or whatever. Obviously if you do anything other than submit to a guy who looks exactly like a criminal, but actually isn't, you need to be punished. You shoot an undercover cop and you need to be executed.

But we're talking about a fireman. Actually, an affirmative-action fireman. And he wasn't seriously hurt, the bullet missed all the bones, passing through the fleshy part of the thighs and taking off part of the genetalia (though being one of those people he obviously has plenty of that to spare). He's a young buck of a lad, he'll heal in no time and have a bunch of nice scars to show the ladies. I even had the butler offer him enough brandy to numb the pain, but he rudely rebuffed my generousity. And to think my taxes pay his salary!

Friends, we are clearly living under Kenyan Tyranny when a man cannot defend his house without red-tape and frivilous lawsuits. If the liberals had their way, every time a big sweaty ogre with an axe came storming into our houses, we'd just lie back and think of diversity.