[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

Sister Agatha is a good, True Christian™ woman, so while she wanted to go to the pastors with this blasphemy, she also wanted to submit to her husband as God has commanded her to do.
So God, in His infinite mercy and compassion, spared Sister Agatha from making such a difficult decision and personally gave Brother Albert a taste of His wrath! What is 30 seconds of being engulfed in flame compared to eternity? Nobody who isn't a goth, emo, witch, mooslime, boodist, hindoo, catlick, monkey worshipper, lieberal, or feminazi would want that!

That is a very inspiring story Sister Mary. It does fill me with aw of the Glory and Power of The Lord(r). What can a Christian do but say PRAISE!

Now, I challenge any atheist, pacifist, pagan, wicker, liberal or all you God haters out there reading this excellent article by Sister Mary Marie to prove to me this is not an act of God to my satisfaction. You can’t, so accept Jesus as your personal savior while you still can.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

Leviticus 25:44 Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.
25:45 Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession.
25:46 And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever: but over your brethren the children of Israel, ye shall not rule one over another with rigour.

As we all know, God not only condones slavery, but gives us instructions on how to treat our slaves. Except for the Second Amendment, the unGodly U.S. Constitution continues to spit in the face of the Lord.

Amendment 13


1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.
2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.


But there is cause for praise! Mr. and Mrs. Jason Olsen have found a loophole! "Involuntary."
A few weeks ago, Jesus came upon the Olsens and gave them a flash of inspiration, and they placed ads in various locations looking for a sturdy Nigra who would volunteer to be their slave, and willfully submit to do the jobs assigned or receive punishment.
Following God's wishes only brings good things upon people, and the Olsens soon found themselves awash in replies! Though they clearly stated they were looking for a Nigra buck, they received replies from men and women, Nigras, Mexican'ts, Ornimentals, and even a few whites!
So pleased were they by the response that they fired their entire staff and took on several slaves to tend their gardens, stables, and household needs! Thinking of the possibility of breeding for future generations, they took a Nigra male and female and a Mexican't male and female.
I've never seen Brother Jason and Sister Olivia look so happy. Their home is immaculate, and their new slaves look so sharp (but uncomfortable, I'm sure, and definitely impractical) in their shiny leather uniforms.
The only thing that I find strange is the behavior of the slaves. At times it seems like they make mistakes deliberately just so they can feel the sting of the lash. But I'm sure that just comes from the eagerness of a well-treated slave to do well for their masters.
My husband, Mr. Whitford, and I thought all of this was just brilliant, so we asked Brother Jason if we could talk to some of their rejects to see if we can get a few for our house. The shocking thing is, despite the promise of more practical uniforms and fewer thrashings, none of them were interested!
Tomorrow morning Mr. Whitford is going to place ads of his own in as many different publications as he can, because this will finally help bring some justice to True Christians(tm) and help end just a little of the persecution that comes our way!
PRAISE!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

I'm sure that if Jesus drove a vehicle, it would be one that was more environmentally friendly.

FOOL! When JESUS returns THIS time His Rockin' Ride is going to be an M1 Main Battle tank and I mean the one with the NUCLEAR OPTIONS!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

As you all know, we have recently been inundated with unsaved Australiens (clearly a redundancy) typing drunkenly at us and saying the most unsavory things. Then one of them said this...

My understanding of religion is the god doesn't judge and excepts everyone as his children.

It's crystal clear that not only have they never read the Bible, they've probably never even heard of it!
But why is in the Praise Report? Because, friends, after an emergency meeting of the church's pastors and deacons, I have been authorized to tell you that - PRAISE! - Landover is going to send 15 missionaries to the darkest jungles of Australia! GLORY!
I got to speak to Brother Abner Jenkins who will be leading this group of brave True Christians(tm) to this (soon to be formerly) God-forsaken land, and he is pretty excited to be given this amazing opportunity.
When I asked him what the plans are so far, he said, "We're going to leave in July, as that will give us plenty of time to make all the preparations, and we certainly don't want to go in the middle of February. Imagine how cold it would be! Nobody knows what the population of Australia is, but we figure on about half a million, maybe more. We're going to bring about 250,000 King James Bibles with us. I know what you're going to ask next, shouldn't we bring one for everyone? We thought about it, then we remembered that it's Australia! They'll just keep stealing the books from each other, and once they've read enough of it, they'll buy their own.
"Their thieving ways also solve the problem of distribution. Once the crates are lifted off the ship, we will just open them and leave them unattended. Problem solved!"
I spoke to Brother Abner's wife, Sister Gladys Jenkins, and while grateful for God's plan for her, was still a little worried. "We're going to have to build some schools. I saw what those hoodlums were writing on the forum and their grasp of the language is horrible! I also have to commend all of you doing God's work online. Bless you all. Please pray for us on this journey we're about to make. Did you know that Hitler was from Australia? It's no surprise, considering the whole country is made up of lushes and crooks! We've been warned to not take any valuables with us, not if we ever want to see them again. It'll be strange to leave my wedding ring behind, but it's only a symbol and Jesus knows that I'm married to my husband."
We will pray for you indeed, Sister Gladys! We will pray for all of you going on this perilous adventure!
If there is one thing they have in their favor other than their faith and the Lord, it's that Australia has a decent president, Crocodile Ron Howard, who is good friends with our very own President Bush. I've no doubt he will help keep our friends safe (and introduce them to famous Australians who managed to crawl out of the swamps and visit America, like Crocodile Dundee and Crocodile Irwin) as they try to win the souls of a nation and bring a country to salvation.
PRAISE!

[Samael]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

we certainly don't want to go in the middle of February. Imagine how cold it would be! Nobody knows what the population of Australia is, but we figure on about half a million,
PRAISE!

You certainly fit the role of an uneducated baby production oven. You've got all the IQ of a stove.

Middle of Feb? Try around 40 degrees Celsius. Yeah, thats pretty damn cold. And our population? Try around 18 million.

But sure, come to Australia. In fact, come to Perth. You can come round for a barbie, take you down the beach, go surfing, hell, organise a wine tour into the South West region. Some beautiful bushland down there. Go visit some of the churches around, they'll be happy to talk to international bible bashers.

Fact is you seem to think we are all uneducated, slack jaws with no sense of community. I'm sorry, but you're all totally arrogant and closed minded. I'll bet money you'd get here and love it. Just like I'd probably enjoy a bit of time in the US.

However if you were to act in person like you do on this website, well i'm sorry, but we've got an expression down here that applies to such people.

Crickies!

[Nobar King]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

Your proposal sounds like a good one, except for the leaving of the bibles in open crates. Obviously some theiving bogan aussie is going to steal them, but more likely is that one person will take ALL the bibles, and try to start a book store.

EDIT--\

40'!! That's just above freezing!!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

Your proposal sounds like a good one, except for the leaving of the bibles in open crates. Obviously some theiving bogan aussie is going to steal them, but more likely is that one person will take ALL the bibles, and try to start a book store.

No problem! The rest of them will just shoplift!

[JennyD]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

You certainly fit the role of an uneducated baby production oven. You've got all the IQ of a stove.

Crickies!

Goodness.

First, Sammy here insults your intelligence, Sister.

Then he calls you a "crickie". I know what "crikie" means, but what's a "crickie"?

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

Goodness.

First, Sammy here insults your intelligence, Sister.

Then he calls you a "crickie". I know what "crikie" means, but what's a "crickie"?

I just assumed it was some sort of diminutive of "cricket". As we can tell from the Australiens who've been visiting our forum, they have no respect for the American language.
What was outrageous about Sammy was he was quoting me quoting Brother Abner, and made it look like those were my words! So he was insulting two people at the same time. Brother Abner is one of the kindest, smartest, most well educated people I know, and I'm sure knows more about Australia than Sammy could ever hope to.

[Nobar King]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

Well, it took a few days, but I was able to scrounge up some boxes and get some bibles donated. These Bibles are ready to go, Sister MM, so can I drop them off at the Landover warehouse for shipping?

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

Well, it took a few days, but I was able to scrounge up some boxes and get some bibles donated. These Bibles are ready to go, Sister MM, so can I drop them off at the Landover warehouse for shipping?

Bless your generosity, Brother Nobar! Of course we will have to cover up the "Help Yourself" sign, perhaps with price tags or something. I don't think the Australiens will get the same satisfaction from taking the Bibles if they know they're allowed to.

[Nobar King]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

My mistake. Maybe I'll make it say, "Help yourself, find Jesus."

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

But sure, come to Australia. In fact, come to Perth. You can come round for a barbie, take you down the beach, go surfing, hell, organise a wine tour into the South West region...

Why would Sister Mary Maria want to go to hell? You are totally nonsensical.

Fact is you seem to think we are all uneducated, slack jaws with no sense of community.

We don't think you're all slack jaws.

[narrowpathy]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

I thought this thread was about the chocolate that I liked when I went to school, the one with the slogan 'melts in your mouth not in your hands!'

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Sister M&M's Praise Report

I thought this thread was about the chocolate that I liked when I went to school, the one with the slogan 'melts in your mouth not in your hands!'

You watch your gutter mouth, boy!