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  • Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christian?

    For the last time, THIS IS FOR MEN ONLY! THIS INCLUDES YOU, LITTLE LADY, YES I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! MEN ONLY! MEN ONLY!

    Is there such a thing as Christian penis enlargement? I ask because there are a lot of websites with information on how to grow a bigger penis, but all of them are filled with sin, including pictures, lust-inducing discussions, and disturbing arabic words like "jelq".

    I think the "jelq" method is not Christian, because it requires a state of semi-arousal, making it half-masturbation. The tempation to think lustfully is too great, and there is even a risk of onanism - and the very thought of killing unconcieved children makes my penis want to shrivel up and hide inside me.

    Creams aren't Christian, since they have to be "applied", so that leaves pills. However, I don't recommend these for older gentlemen, as Obama's death panels might give you a cyanide capsule instead.

    I asked Dr Laurie if she could enlarge my penis, but she misinterpreted my request with awkward results.

    Advice please.

    EDIT: NO I don't ask this for lustful purposes. It is just that I used to take pride in all forms of my manliness and after seeing a certain brother have a certain "church boner" I have been feeling less-manly. Frankly I was shocked to learn that God makes them longer than 4 inches.
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  • #2
    Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

    Pastor Zeke needs to chime in. He is widely held to know the most about Christian penises.

    Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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    • #3
      Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

      As an ordained reverend who knows the Bible through and through, I can vouch that it is not a sin to enlarge your penis, as long as it is for the right reasons. If you are doing so for vanity or to attract more sexual partners, then no. That's a sin. But, if God created you with a small tallywhacker and you find it difficult to have proper intercourse with your wife, then that is perfectly acceptable.

      I have a friend of mine, let's call him Rev. Joe, that's a fellow televangelist. He has everything he wants in his life...a nice mansion overlooking the Pacific Ocean, a fleet of Rolls-Royces, a beautiful wife 30 years his junior, an award-winning television gospel program, and a faithful flock who listens to his every word and is generous in their tithing. Even when he got caught with a Thai transsexual prostitute and his money laundering and tax evasion were brought public, and he ended up spending the next fifteen years in a federal prison, Rev. Joe was still blessed by God. Upon his release, he made a comeback with his career and joined up with one of the richest churches in America.

      Rev. Joe had one problem though. He was not "gifted" by God down there. His first wife nicknamed his appendage "Lil' Stubby". As a result, intercourse was always embarrassing and awkward. It didn't help that he had a massive gut in the way.

      So, Rev. Joe went to see Dr. Bernie Schwartz of the Schwartz Male Health Clinic in Beverly Hills. Dr. Bernie was able to enlarge Rev. Joe so that he would be able to satisfy his wife in future adventures. The office was very clean, the staff helpful, and Dr. Bernie listened to me patiently and was truly professional. I highly recommend Dr. Schwartz.

      Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.

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      • #4
        Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

        I, too, know of a person suffering the same affliction as Rev. Joe. My friend longs for relief from this problem.

        Could you ask Rev. Joe to share some of the techniques as practiced by the good doctor?

        My little friend would be appreciative of learning more of this subject.
        The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

        "Credo elvem etiam vivere"

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        • #5
          Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

          I should think that if such treatments were for the only purpose of facilitating conception of more soldiers for Christ with your wife, then there would be no problem at all.

          I might add a caution, that if some other motive(s) were present besides fathering more Godly children, God's wrath over the practice might assume particularly gruesome and disturbing proportions.
          Jud 1:15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are unGodly among them of all their unGodly deeds which they have unGodly committed, and of all their hard [speeches] which unGodly sinners have spoken against him.

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          • #6
            Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

            If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.
            This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

            Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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            • #7
              Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

              Originally posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
              If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.
              Is that the new "fluffer" technology that the Creation Scientists over at Lanbover Baptist University have been telling me about?
              Who Will Jesus Damn?

              Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

              Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

              Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

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              • #8
                Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

                This just makes me sad.

                Why am I cursed like the Egyptians in Ezekiel 16:26? Why LORD, WHY?
                Judges 9:21 And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.

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                • #9
                  Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

                  Originally posted by Brother V View Post
                  This just makes me sad.

                  Why am I cursed like the Egyptians in Ezekiel 16:26? Why LORD, WHY?
                  I had heard you.. um suffered, like the Egyptians did in Ezekiel 23:20.
                  Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.


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                  • #10
                    Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

                    Originally posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
                    If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.
                    I would be interested in this technique, as sometimes it slips out at the most inopportune moment and I do not want to be smited as Onan was.
                    PROOF: Atheists are too stupid to understand the Bible!

                    Proverbs 13:24(KJV): "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

                    Galatians 4:16 Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?

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                    • #11
                      Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

                      Originally posted by Levi Jones View Post
                      I had heard you.. um suffered, like the Egyptians did in Ezekiel 23:20.
                      That's the affliction.



                      But, you know what they say; God only gives you as much as you can bear.

                      Sometimes I wish it was less, but you sometimes gotta make due with what you have.
                      Judges 9:21 And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

                        Originally posted by Brother V View Post
                        That's the affliction.



                        But, you know what they say; God only gives you as much as you can bear.

                        Sometimes I wish it was less, but you sometimes gotta make due with what you have.
                        Does it hurt your back at all? I've heard that can be a problem.
                        Bible boring? Nonsense!
                        Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                        You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

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                        • #13
                          Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

                          Originally posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
                          Does it hurt your back at all? I've heard that can be a problem.
                          From that picture he sent the Landover Benevolence Committee I would imagine.

                          Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

                          Hot Must ReadThreads!


                          Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!

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                          • #14
                            Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

                            The good Lord made all of us, some He gave big feet, some big hands and some a big.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

                              Originally posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
                              From that picture he sent the Landover Benevolence Committee I would imagine.
                              Ah, I hadn't seen that image.

                              Perhaps a handcart would be useful?
                              Bible boring? Nonsense!
                              Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                              You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

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