What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

What Can True Christians™ Do to Help Speed Up Global Warming So Jesus Comes Back Quicker?

Sermon by Pastor Deacon Fred

As True Bible believing Christians™, we have a much better understanding about the fate of this planet than any Biologist, Environmentalist, or so-called scientist because we have a personal relationship with the Fellow who created this whole place to begin with! Friends, as True Christians™ then, being familiar with the Holy Bible gives you more authority than anyone who holds a post-graduate degree! That's something to be proud of - don't wince about it! And don't let people call you crazy! God's Holy Scriptures give the poorest farmer's servant in our congregation the power to win an argument with a Bio-Chemist, or a Nuclear Physicist - without even knowing a lick about what them folks studied in their fancy secular universities! What these ignorant unsaved, over-educated folks don't understand is that they can gather all the data, all the research and present all the facts they care to collect about any subject under the sun - but when you hold it next to child-like faith in the Almighty God, the most learned Evolutionist or Environmentalist, will widen their blind eyes in awe, and cower in fear at the truth of God's Word! Praise Jesus! For the simple truth, we need only look to our old children's Sunday School song, "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands!" Oh, GLORY!

All this hub-bub about conserving energy, and protecting the environment is enough to make me want to pull my hair out! How about you? Why should we give a lick if our thermometers are edging up a bit, when the Lord promised He is going to turn the whole dang planet into a fire ball any minute now? Who is going to protect the ice cubes in Greenland then, my friends? Satan is sending out a false anxiety, and misdirected mass-hysteria about the environment! The roots of these phony fears are planted deeply into so-called "facts" which sprout from poisonous seeds between the hot-rocks scattered across the sandy shores of the Lake of Fire. Its Satan's way of slapping Jesus in the face while he still has a chance! A-men? The only fact these folks should really be afraid of is the fact that if they don't believe in Jesus Christ, that our loving God is going to roast them alive in Hell for eternity! Now, if you ask me - I'd be much more concerned about what is going to happen to me for eternity than I am about what's going to happen to me in the next few years! A-men?

God teaches us in the Bible that "thinking" and "worrying" is an absolute waste of time!　

Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? - Matthew 6:25

Anyone who has read the Bible and believes every word will agree that worrying about our environment and trying to conserve energy (among other things) is an act of defiance against the Living God. Friends, the Lord will take care of everything. God made the Earth and the Heavens and if He wants to destroy it all, He will! In fact, one of the things that makes folks True Christians™ in the first place is that we are PRAYING for the destruction of this planet. You see, God actually wants us to use up all the resources, because when everything is gone, it will signal the return of sweet Jesus to come kill all the Muslims, Catholics, Mormons, Hindus and Tree-Hugger-know-it-alls. If we don't end the world, God will just end it Himself. We've got to do our duty to speed up the process. The Bible says that God has given the world and everything in it for man to use. God wants us to do with it whatever we please! From Genesis, Chapter 1:26 we learn that God has given us dominion over "every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth!" So much for endangered species! That's why we have an Endangered Species Dinner each year here at Landover! To celebrate God's love for wild game hunters! And show that God has given us any species or plant we want to eat, even if it happens to be the last of its kind! Amen? In Genesis Chapter 1:29, the Lord continues letting us know that he has given us "every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth." And we just learned recently that plants create the air we breathe. God is telling us then, that we can use up the air in any way we see fit! Once the air is gone, it just means that Jesus will come back, so the more pollution, the better! Glory! In verse 30 of the same chapter, He affirms the fact that we have dominion over "every single living thing on earth," and our environment is a living thing! Folks, that means we can do whatever we want with anything we like! If we use it all up, we have to have faith that the Lord will return and provide for us again. If you follow God's rules, supply and demand doesn't mean a lick. I think I speak for the Lord here, when I say, "use it or lose it." Oh, ye of little faith! Don't you know that God can simply sweep his robe across the clouds and create clean air again, if He wills it?

Friends, I'm going to get a little controversial now, but someone has to speak the truth. The sissy Christians who pick and choose whatever Bible verse they like to fit their latest agenda will burn in Hell and give off just as pleasing a scent to the nostrils of the Lord as any hell bound, America hating Muslim will. It is these pansy, false Christians whose liberal ideas are polluting the spiritual truth of God's Word. I'll say it now, and I'll say it again and again! If you are a True Christian™, you shouldn't be recycling. True Christians™ shouldn't be attending Global Warming rallies, or be celebrating Earth Day. True Christians™ understand that worrying about such things, or supporting such efforts is in direct conflict with the Word of God! Friends, we can sum up our Evangelical stand on "Conservation" by making all these fancy scientifical types understand one truth: That is if Jesus can feed five thousand people with two stinky fish and five loaves of stale bread, He can certainly turn the lights back on and make clean air by just burping! Oh, Glory! Glory!

I ask that you share this message with your brothers and sisters in Christ who are not blessed enough to attend our Godly church. Rebuke them strongly for taking an interest in the fate of our planet! Tell them you are ashamed at their lack of faith and share some of the Scriptures I've shared with you here. Satan has shifted his trickery into high gear during these last days. He'll do anything he can do to deter you from keeping on the straight and narrow path to Heaven. He is trying everything he can to make your mind wander into worldy concerns and get you to stop warning people about the only real threat to humanity! That threat, we know from the New Testament is God's threat! Friends, getting a faster tan and a little extra sunshine from Global Warming, doesn't hold a candle to having the skin boiled off one's body by bubbling lava in the Lake of Fire! And that fact, my Godly brothers and sisters in Christ, should be more disconcerting than anything Lucifer and his army of hook-nosed liberals and pointy-tailed demons can pull out of their fancy behinds!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

Amen. To understand just how much of a false cult enviromentalism is, just take a look at their ECO-TERRORIST PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION.

A few highlights:

Pagan Human Sacrifice: Like the pagan Druids, they worship trees. For any problem you have, their answer is always the same: plant treees. Want to stop climate change? Plant trees. Want to breathe better air? Plant trees. Want to stop deserts from spreading? Plant trees. Want to stop hillsides from eroding? Plant trees. Want food? Plant nut or fruit trees. Need fertilizer? Plant fertilizing trees on crops. Want higher land values in your niebourhood? Plant trees. I bet they claim that planting trees gives you a full head of hair and a longer sin-stick...

Pagan Sun-worship slavery: They talk about gaining power from the sun. Sound framiliar? That's right, the Egyptians, who enslaved the True Christians and forced them to build the Pyramids, also believed in gaining power from the sun. They were sun-worshippers, just like the eco-terrorists. Today, Tolerating solar power is the first step to enslavement and pyramid-building.

Summoning Demons straight from Hell! Another way the eco-terrorists want to gain power is from what they call "geothermal" which is a fancy name for drilling a hole down to hell and allowing the demons and lost souls to escape. The plan is for the earth to be over-run with souls of sinners!

Disrupting God's order: They talk about "localism" replacing "Globalization" also known as "God's order". Under God's order/globalization, every nation in the world plays it's part: China makes toys and Christmas presents for Wal-Mart, Iraq provides gas and target practice, and African provides entertainment in the form of Live-Aids concerts and movies like Hotel Rwanda. America's role in this system is to keep the economy going by shopping a lot.

Teaching children to ride giant vibrators: They want us to become addicted to bicycles, and like all pushers, they start with the children. It is a well-known fact that 34.2 percent of women who ride bicycles report experiencing orgasms while riding. This fact alone proves that the TRUE agenda of the greens has nothing to do with saving gas or getting exercise or making cities livable or any of that nonsense: they are sex-maniacs, and they want to turn your daughter into a wanton whore.

I could go on and on and on about the TRUE AGENDA of environmentalism, but these examples alone make it clear: they are pagan sex-maniacs who must be stopped at all costs!

[Mr. Jingles]

Global warming is wonderful

Why all the fuss about 'global warming?' It's God's blessing to us. The polar ice caps are melting, but who needs them anyway? Droughts are becoming more common, but too much rain can be disastrous-that's what Noah would say. It ruins the rain forests, but that makes it easier to bulldoze them & build condominiums.

Bring on the global warming & praise Jesus for it. As far as saving the ozone layer, don't get me started on that foolish idea.

[Mrs. Robert Roberts]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

Mr. Roberts and I do our part by only owning vehicles that consume at least 8 MPG of gasoline.
This not only helps speed up global warming but also assures the invasion of other lands. We need to get that oil somewhere, and at the same time we can save the ungodly heathens that we find there.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Global warming is wonderful

Why all the fuss about 'global warming?' It's God's blessing to us. The polar ice caps are melting, but who needs them anyway? Droughts are becoming more common, but too much rain can be disastrous-that's what Noah would say. It ruins the rain forests, but that makes it easier to bulldoze them & build condominiums.

Bring on the global warming & praise Jesus for it. As far as saving the ozone layer, don't get me started on that foolish idea.

This is all in accordance with God’s Word. The Polar Ice Caps, which go down for miles, are clearly “the fountains of the deep” otherwise we would be floating on water.
As the sea levels rise, there is no cause at all for concern, we will continue in our “Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth” as commanded.

Proverb:8:28: When he established the clouds above: when he strengthened the fountains of the deep:
Proverb:8:29: When he gave to the sea his decree, that the waters should not pass his commandment: when he appointed the foundations of the earth:
Proverb:8:30: Then I was by him, as one brought up with him: and I was daily his delight, rejoicing always before him;
Proverb:8:31: Rejoicing in the habitable part of his earth;and my delights were with the sons of men.

(I am satisfied that Proverb:8:31b: “and my delights were with the sons of men.” is an innocent expression of Godly Love and nothing at all to do with fornication or homerism.)

[eliot mayfield]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

I've been burning the cheapest brown coal on the market in Czechostan for years!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

Well done! God provides Brown coal as a cheap source of readily available fuel. It also acts as a weed killer to those trees that infest the place and make building and driving in a straight line so difficult. (If the lack of forests in present-day Israel is anything to go by, I don't think the Children of Israel required many trees.)

As a bonus, Brown Coal's waste products fall upon the earth to be soaked up and provide a ready source of chemicals for future generations. Its God’s Investment Banking.

God has a Plan and It is Good!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

I drive the biggest SUV I could find. It gets 6 GODLY miles to the gallon! Shout GLORY!




I also burn everything plastic that I buy after I use it. I never use the same plastic products twice. While I'm burning the plastic the smoke reminds me of all the sinners burning in HELL and it makes me chuckle with glee! BURN SINNERS BURN!

[Nobar King]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

I like to start up my lawn mower on Sunday mornings during winter just to keep the oil from settling in the engine.

I also start my chainsaw once a month to make sure that it's still in good working order. I usually let it sit in the driveway to run for ten minutes if I can't find something good to cut down.

I have several cords of wood left over after I cleared all the trees off my property. I'm trying to get rid of them, but it's taking a while. I make sure to have a fire running in my fireplace 24/7 unless the temperature gets over 68' outside.

Burning leaves is also good. You burn them in late fall before the rain. The ash that is left is good fertilizer. My neighbor doesn't like me to burn them near my fence, but that's the farthest spot in my yard from my windows. I keep telling her to close her windows when I'm burning leaves, but she prefers to yell over the fence about it.

[Nobar King]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

Burning the chaff off of your field is another good way to improve next year's yeild:

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

Eat more Beef;

Hamburgers are the Hummers of food in global warming

When it comes to global warming, hamburgers are the Hummers of food, scientists say.

Simply switching from steak to salad could cut as much carbon as leaving the car at home a couple days a week.

That's because beef is such an incredibly inefficient food to produce and cows release so much harmful methane into the atmosphere, said Nathan Pelletier of Dalhousie University in Canada.

…

Even though beef only accounts for 30 percent of meat consumption in the developed world it's responsible for 78 percent of the emissions, Pelletier said Sunday at a meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.

That's because a single kilogram of beef produces 16 kilograms carbon dioxide equivalent emissions: four times higher than pork and more than ten times as much as a kilogram of poultry, Pelletier said.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.e36a67d49c1127a8c17cc38ed4a4c27e.211&show_article=1

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

Eat more Beef;

Hamburgers are the Hummers of food in global warming

Even though beef only accounts for 30 percent of meat consumption in the developed world it's responsible for 78 percent of the emissions, Pelletier said Sunday at a meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.

That's because a single kilogram of beef produces 16 kilograms carbon dioxide equivalent emissions: four times higher than pork and more than ten times as much as a kilogram of poultry, Pelletier said.

Strikes me that God's got this one covered; cows release gas whether you eat them or not. When you eat them, they stop producing gas.

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

I like to burn coal in my fireplace every night; the sight of plumes of black smoke rising in the air is a joy to behold. I also suggest that the Colorado rockies be strip-mined. That would have engraged John Denver, but he's dead anyway.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

I like to burn coal in my fireplace every night; the sight of plumes of black smoke rising in the air is a joy to behold. I also suggest that the Colorado rockies be strip-mined. That would have engraged John Denver, but he's dead anyway.

I'd use a stove, but I guess a fireplace could work if the flue doesn't mess up.

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: What Can True Christians™ Do To Speed Up Global Warming?

Here's another tip; don't recycle. God gave us plenty of land, & there is ample room for cans, bottles, disposable, computer screens & leaking bottles of Drano. There is nothing more glorious in the eys of Jesus than a landfill overflowing with debris.