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Ofc. Don W. Richards's Avatar
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Default Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-24-2013, 07:50 PM

I know a lot of you have been hearing rumors all afternoon about the Portway family, and I think it's time that somebody should come forward and address your concerns.

Today, I received an anonymous tip from Billy Bob Jenkins that Aaron Portway's wife, Naomi, had been spotted downtown playing with some kids her own age. Knowing that Naomi's husband is a True Christian man who enforces Ephesians 5:22, I became greatly concerned that Mrs. Portway was out of the house without any supervision. I made a point to go investigate, as soon as my lunch break ended.

After I finished my pork chops, I called Aaron up on the phone and asked him where he was. He told me he had flown Pastor Ezekiel down to Florida because the good pastor did not want to get any of this snow on his shoes, and they wouldn't be home till it passed. I asked Aaron if he had given Naomi permission to leave the house while he was gone, and he told me, "No, absolutely not."

I relayed Billy Bob Jenkins' anonymous tip to Aaron, and told him I was headed to the playground to see if it really was his wife Naomi who was down there, or if it was just some other little girl who resembled her.

When I arrived at the playground, I saw a group of kids playing in the snow, and I immediately took up my megaphone, poked my head out the window, and announced, "Attention, children playing the snow: Is one of you named Naomi Portway?"

The group of kids stopped, and they all turned to look at me. Then, a familiar little girl stepped forward, and cast her eyes down to stare at the ground. I engaged the megaphone again, and announced Ephesians 5:22: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." I could tell she was feeling guilty, and she looked like she was about to cry, so I added, "What kind of rebellious whore of a wife leaves her husband's home unattended while he is away on business trips earning a living? Aren't there some dishes at home that need washing? A carpet that needs vacuuming? A pot roast that needs roasting? You march yourself right over here, young lady!"

Naomi trudged towards me through the snow and came to a stop right outside my cruiser's window, which I rolled half way up because it was getting cold in there. I spoke to Naomi through the window, "Are you out of your kitchen for a reason?"

At first she didn't say anything, but when I threatened to use my tazer, she started talking. Apparently, some of these kids had made contact with her on prior occasions when she had been out of the house on wifely errands, such as grocery shopping, and when they found out that her husband was out of town, they lured her down to the playground for foolish games. Being a lowly female, Naomi was too weak to heed her husband's instructions to stay home to cook and clean. Now I had to clean up the mess.

"You take this megaphone and tell your friends you can't see them anymore," I said, sticking the megaphone out the window. She was starting to cry, but I forced the megaphone into her hand. "Now tell them!" I demanded again.

Through her tears, she put the megaphone to her mouth and bade her friends goodbye, and then I made her point the megaphone up to the sky and announce a public prayer for forgiveness up to Jesus in Heaven.

Once she was in the cruiser and we were on our way back to Aaron's house, I gave her quite a lecture on the importance of wives obeying their husbands. And since she is only 15, Aaron is quite a few years her elder, and so she was also found in violation of the Bible's orders that children obey their elders.

I hope she has learned a valuable lesson from all of this.

Aaron, you will find her handcuffed to the stove when you get back. The key is on the dining room table, if you want to unlock her.

Over and out.
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-24-2013, 08:02 PM

Ofc. Richards, did she have her baby with her? It may not of looked like a baby though. If you felt sick to your stomach, you may of seen it.

Not a big deal. Just was curious.

YIC
JH


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-24-2013, 08:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
Ofc. Richards, did she have her baby with her? It may not of looked like a baby though. If you felt sick to your stomach, you may of seen it.

Not a big deal. Just was curious.

YIC
JH
No, there was no baby. I didn't even think anything about the baby.

I figured that babies are like dogs, you just set out a dish of food and water and they're good for at least a weekend. That should be sufficient for her to avoid a child neglect charge, if any liberals out there wanted to push the issue.
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-25-2013, 12:48 AM

I'm down here in Sarasota while Pastor Zeke ministers to some of these poor unfortunate unsaved Cuban boys that they got down here. That man sure is committed to saving souls! He was up all night with three very troubled youths last night and he looked like he'd gone ten rounds with the Devil himself first thing this morning.

As for my wife, I wish I could say I was surprised.

There's gonna be heck to pay when I get home, I can tell you that.

As for that baby of hers, it's back in the hospital for yet another round of tests. Those doctors are vampires, I swear, sucking my bank account dry.

I mean, your baby coughs up a little blood and suddenly everyone's having a tizzy! They said they wanted to "observe it" for 72 hours. I'm not sure how I feel about that, seeing as how I can hardly stand to look at it, much less "observe" that hairy little thing for three straight days.




Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!



God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!



Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-27-2013, 01:57 AM

Aaron got home from Florida and told me to tell everybody that I'm sorry that i caused all that trouble by leaving the house with those kids. When officer Don brought me home, I called Aaron on his celphone and told him what i did. He told me I was on restriction and not to use the computer, or the phone, or to take a bath, and to only eat canned radishes until he got home.

My other punishment is that i can't wear shoes for a whole month, since that might keep me on the property. This morning, i stepped on some rusty wire out by the hog pen. I barely felt it on account of the snow. It really hurts now though, but it serves me right for being so uppity.


YIC

Mrs. Aaron Portway


Aaron said I should have this for my signature to remind me how to be a good wife.

"Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

Pat Robertson
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-27-2013, 02:01 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Naomi Portway View Post
Aaron got home from Florida and told me to tell everybody that I'm sorry that i caused all that trouble by leaving the house with those kids. When officer Don brought me home, I called Aaron oh his celphone and told him what i did. He tod me I was on restriction and not to use the computer, or the phone, or to take a bath, and to only eat canned radishes until he got home.

My other punishment is that i can't wear shoes for a whole month, since that might keep me on the property. This morning, i stepped on some rusty wire out by the hog pen. I barely felt it on account of the snow. It really hurt now though, but it serves me right fir being so uppity.


YIC

Mrs. Aaron Portway
I swear your husband is a limp-wrist. He let's you get away with murder. It must be those big black eyes you have.

How's that project going, were you were copying down the Holy Bible word-for-word? What book are you up to, girl?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-27-2013, 03:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I swear your husband is a limp-wrist. He let's you get away with murder. It must be those big black eyes you have.

How's that project going, were you were copying down the Holy Bible word-for-word? What book are you up to, girl?
I don't know how you feel, Pastor Zeke. But, when you married the Captain and Naomi I thought it was the Freehold Christian marriage of the year. I must now admit Naomi and the marriage have not turned out as well as I had hoped.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Mrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious RaptureMrs. Naomi Portway has discarded the shackles of sin and is ready to participate in the Glorious Rapture
Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-27-2013, 04:27 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I swear your husband is a limp-wrist. He let's you get away with murder. It must be those big black eyes you have.

How's that project going, were you were copying down the Holy Bible word-for-word? What book are you up to, girl?
I keep making mistakes, and then Aaron makes me start over, since any mistake alters God's perfect word. The farthest I've gotten is half way through Exodus, but that was three months ago. Now, i'm being really careful and checking what I write real close, but it's taking a really long time.

Also the last time i was clumsy and fell down the stairs I hurt my wrist. It's still swollen which makes writing harder. It hurts too.


YIC

Mrs. Aaron Portway


Aaron said I should have this for my signature to remind me how to be a good wife.

"Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

Pat Robertson
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-27-2013, 03:16 PM

Mrs. Portway, do you do anything but complain? You are never praising Aaron for all his hard work and tolerance. I know Mrs. Hutchins would not think twice about saying anything but 'Yes James".


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-27-2013, 06:16 PM

You know, I'm starting to see why Seth chose an "older woman" as a wife. Someone with the schedule that Seth or Capt. Portway just doesn't have the time to babysit and constantly be checking on things. In fact, as long as the house is running smoothly, Seth doesn't pay much attention at all.


Naomi,

You're a woman now, you have a child, and are therefore no longer a child.

1st Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Although written from a mans point of view, has just as much truth in it for women. You're a married woman, it's time to put away childish things.

Instead of whining about cutting your foot, go soak it in some Dettol for 15 minutes, say a prayer and carry on. YOUR HUSBAND DEPENDS ON YOU! Look at it this way, Captain Porter has a very busy schedule flying the Pastors around, he's on call 24/7. Don't you think that's stressful? Now this man has provided you with a nice home, nice clothes, and a child, the least you can do is give him a place where he can decompress on his down time.

But no, he comes home and has to worry about the fact you fell down the stairs (would you please fix them!) or you're whining about your foot, or not doing your writing properly, or the baby screaming. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't go sleep on the plane just to get some peace.


Drama queen
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-27-2013, 08:04 PM

Mrs. Portway, I have a suggestion for you.

You shouldn't complain so much because I've learned from experience with my chores that complaining only makes things harder and more unpleasant. If you spent less time complaining, the thing that you're complaining about will be much easier and smoother.

It's just a suggestion, nothing more.


And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
Deuteronomy 6.5
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Default Re: Sherrif Richards Rescues Wayward Wife from the Influence of Evil Neighbor Kids - 03-27-2013, 08:47 PM

Thanks everybody, at least you all understand what I'm dealing with here. Let me say a special apology to Pastor Zeke for letting Naomi get away with being such a whiner. I can assure you that in the future, things are going change at the Portway house.

The honeymoon is officially over, it's time for me to get tough with my lazy wife and whip her into shape. With the help of the Lord, we may yet make a decent wife out of that goldbricker Naomi. Praise!




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