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Default Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-03-2011, 06:56 AM

Everything had been going just peachy tonight as I cruised the county roads looking for criminals and the crimes they commit. I had a thermos full of coffee, a box of donuts, and southern gospel tunes on the radio.

Suddenly, I saw something in the road. I came to a grinding halt on the gravel, just in time to avoid running into one of farmer Keaton's cows.

How many times had I told him to fix his fence? Three. I told him three times.

I wrote out a ticket and taped it to the cow for farmer Keaton to find in the morning. I had finally had enough of this nonsense.

As I was on my way back to the cruiser something caught my eyes and ears. I could see a lot of lights on in a house down the road, and sounds of laughter coming from that direction.

Who would be making such a commotion at 11:30 PM, when good country folk have been asleep for five hours already?

I sped down the road and came to a stop at the beginning of the lane leading up to the house. I shut the engine off and listened.

Loud music, laughter, smell of a barbecue... This was a party, alright.

This would call for undercover ops. I quickly changed into my ordinary day clothes including sunglasses, and slipped silently into the hedgerow along the lane.

I emerged from the woods near the house and quietly made my way towards the group of people milling around the front yard.

I would simply blend in as one of the guests and figure out just what exactly was going on here.

I approached a group of young men, and addressed them:

"What it is, my dudes. This party is so rad, it has to be monitored by X-ray technicians."

The group of young men laughed. Clearly, they accepted me as one of their own.

I bobbed my head with the music and started mingling.

I approached some kids hanging out by the stereo on the porch, from which the devil's rap music was blaring.

"These are some gnarly tunes! A cat could swing all night to those crazy beats!"

I did some disco moves I remembered seeing on TV in the 70s, and proceeded to the grill.

The food smelled delicious and I was hungry. At first I thought the cook was absent, but then I realized he was just a black kid.

I would have to adjust my approach slightly:

"Yo yo yo, hows about a little chow chow for a big dawg," I said as I slapped my hands on my belly.

I helped myself to a couple of burgers with a side of steak and interrogated the young darky.

"I don't mean to be all up in your biznitch, my brother from another momma, but who is da wild cat throwing this shindig?"

He told me the party was for Shane.

SHANE! I just knew that little puke had to be involved in this somehow!

Still, I wanted to be sure it was the right Shane:

"For sizzle my nozzle? The pizza delivery cracker? The deep-dish dude? Shane, Shane, the pizza machane?"

"Uh yeah, that Shane. It's his nineteenth birthday." said the black kid, with surprisingly good diction.

This was my chance!

"Where be the big birthday man? Smoking some ultra-fly weed? Gettin' busy with da Lizzies?"

For some reason the black kid was becoming increasingly quiet. I suppose they aren't used to being talked to by a white guy who knows the lingo so well.

"I dunno," replied the black kid, "last I knew he was in the house."

I cleverly excused myself from the grill:

"I'm a go hit him upright, 'cause I don't want him bein' uptight thinkin' I be hatin' all over him on his birthday."

I be-bopped my way into the house, and found it refreshingly quiet. I took this chance to investigate further. I opened the drawers, looked in the fridge (very nice birthday cake), under the fridge, on top of the fridge, checked out the bathroom, and somehow made my way into what looked like a teenager's room.

It had to be Shane's room. But where was Shane? And what was this suspicious baggy I found under his mattress?

I opened it and took in a great big whiff. Yep. It was weed. Pot. Ganja. Mary Jane. Wacky tabacky. Silly cilantro.

I developed a plan right then and there.

I ran back into the kitchen, opened the fridge, grabbed the cake and went out the front door.

"Attention, my marshmallow peeps and chocolate bunny rabbits, I have an announcement for reals!"

The music stopped and the kids gathered round.

"It's cake time, my bitches!"

I started singing Happy Birthday and the entire crowd joined in.

It worked! Before the song had ended, a rather bewildered Shane had appeared at the front of the crowd, to see me holding his cake. I could tell he was trying to figure out just who I was and why I looked so familiar.

The song ended. I put the cake on the table. I approached Shane and said, "Dude, I have a totally, like, wicked present for you. Dude."

I whipped out a pair of handcuffs and slapped them on his wrist.

"You're under arrest for possession of marijuana."

He definitely remembered me now.

I started dragging him towards my cruiser as chaos erupted in the crowd.

Shane yelled, "What are you talking about?! What marijuana?!"

"The marijuana I just found in your room under your mattress," I replied.

"My room!? Wait a minute, you're making a huge mistake, this isn't even my house! It's Brady's house! The dude cooking at the grill! It's his house!"

Shane kept trying to point back to the young black buck I was talking to earlier, but I would have none of these excuses.

I finally got the little bugger in the car and made my way back to HQ.

It was a brilliant mission flawlessly executed to perfection. Not even his incessant excuses, complaining, and demands that I check the county appraiser for ownership of the house could ruin my feeling of satisfaction.

He is mine! After all this time, I finally nabbed the punk!

I have stayed late just to enjoy the sight of that little monster sleeping helplessly behind bars, right where he belongs. I'll call his folks tomorrow and let them know birthday boy is now jail bird.

Sleep peacefully, Freehold!

Over and out!
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-03-2011, 04:12 PM

Officer Richards, my hood is off to you sir. It is a fine pleasure to read the master in action. We all were outraged when Shane was able to play the wounded gazelle and get a Grand Jury on you over that incident so I am sure you are quite pleased with a job well done!

Justice is severed, Freehold style.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-03-2011, 05:56 PM

I still haven't gotten around to checking with the county appraiser yet. I've had a lot of paper work to do.

Still, Shane insisted on using a telephone, so I let him call his folks.

They weren't home!
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-03-2011, 06:34 PM

Praise JESUS!!!

First, Deathster Kevorkian Dies. Then Shane gets his Just Desserts (but not the Cake).

One more Glorious thing will happen before today's sun sets, Friends - depend upon it!
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-03-2011, 08:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ofc. Don W. Richards View Post
[FONT=Arial]I still haven't gotten around to checking with the county appraiser yet. I've had a lot of paper work to do.
How much can a 50's style electrical transformer and a retaining wall cost? The County really has only its self to blame for listing to Shane's lies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ofc. Don W. Richards View Post
Still, Shane insisted on using a telephone, so I let him call his folks.

They weren't home!
Oh poor, poor Shaney

Tell you what Officer Richards, let's prank Shane; tell them you are going to be the nice guy and release him into protective custody of the Pastoral Security Service - tell him you want us to teach Shane some positive values like wilderness survival and knot tying. I am sure Shane's heart will leap for joy when he sees our comfort robes so it will be really funny when you yell "PUNKED!" at him!

Good times!



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Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Ofc. Don W. Richards is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-03-2011, 08:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
How much can a 50's style electrical transformer and a retaining wall cost? The County really has only its self to blame for listing to Shane's lies.

Oh poor, poor Shaney

Tell you what Officer Richards, let's prank Shane; tell them you are going to be the nice guy and release him into protective custody of the Pastoral Security Service - tell him you want us to teach Shane some positive values like wilderness survival and knot tying. I am sure Shane's heart will leap for joy when he sees our comfort robes so it will be really funny when you yell "PUNKED!" at him!

Good times!
L.O.L, okay!

I am sure what with being in jail on his birthday and experiencing his first weekend without freedom, Shane will need something to look forward to!
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-04-2011, 04:39 AM

Officer Don, you're a brave man going to a Negro birthday party on your own without any backup.

Just last month, I had a birthday party for myself at my rooftop penthouse in Hong Kong. Although all the guests were well vetted in advance, I felt it prudent to hire some muscle just to make sure that everyone felt safe and secure.


Security team member, welcoming guests to my
birthday party last month


Praise Jesus!
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Put your faith in Uranus!


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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-04-2011, 05:09 AM

I thought you were supposed to follow the law. The law says that you need a warrant or his permission to enter and search his house. Furthermore, in Weeks v. United States, 232 U.S. 383 (1914), it was decided that evidence gained through the violation of someone's fourth amendment rights is NOT admissible in court.

1) You didn't have the right to search the house
2) He cannot be convicted using what you found there

I know that what he had was illegal, but what you did was just as illegal. I expected better of you.
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-04-2011, 06:31 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard "Why" Mayweather View Post
I thought you were supposed to follow the law. The law says that you need a warrant or his permission to enter and search his house. Furthermore, in Weeks v. United States, 232 U.S. 383 (1914), it was decided that evidence gained through the violation of someone's fourth amendment rights is NOT admissible in court.

1) You didn't have the right to search the house
2) He cannot be convicted using what you found there

I know that what he had was illegal, but what you did was just as illegal. I expected better of you.
Shut your demonhole, hatemonger. The local laws in and around Freehold are more in line with God's Holy Word than anyplace else on earth.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-04-2011, 07:10 AM

Because of your persecution it means I am blessed...

The constitution overrules ANY local laws.
The Bible tells you to follow secular laws, yet you refuse to follow them and, in doing so, mock God. Have you no shame?

Walk the walk brother, don't just talk the talk. I will pray for your guidance.
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-04-2011, 10:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard "Why" Mayweather View Post
Because of your persecution it means I am blessed...

The constitution overrules ANY local laws.
The Bible tells you to follow secular laws, yet you refuse to follow them and, in doing so, mock God. Have you no shame?

Walk the walk brother, don't just talk the talk. I will pray for your guidance.
There's NOTHING in the constitution against busting hippies.


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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-04-2011, 05:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard "Why" Mayweather View Post
I thought you were supposed to follow the law. The law says that you need a warrant or his permission to enter and search his house. Furthermore, in Weeks v. United States, 232 U.S. 383 (1914), it was decided that evidence gained through the violation of someone's fourth amendment rights is NOT admissible in court.

1) You didn't have the right to search the house
2) He cannot be convicted using what you found there

I know that what he had was illegal, but what you did was just as illegal. I expected better of you.
Well look who Mr. Law Expert is!

Okay, punk:

1. I was more or less invited into the house. The black kid knew I was going to go looking for Shane, and he told me he was in the house.

2. I had probable cause to search the house. I know Shane is into drugs and Lord knows what else.

3. Shut up.
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-04-2011, 06:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard "Why" Mayweather View Post
I thought you were supposed to follow the law. The law says that you need a warrant or his permission to enter and search his house. Furthermore, in Weeks v. United States, 232 U.S. 383 (1914), it was decided that evidence gained through the violation of someone's fourth amendment rights is NOT admissible in court.

1) You didn't have the right to search the house
2) He cannot be convicted using what you found there

I know that what he had was illegal, but what you did was just as illegal. I expected better of you.
Dear Friend,

Although Officer Don didn't mention it, I'm sure he smelled the overpowering odor of marijuana emanating from the house, and, based on his training and experience, feared the evidence would be destroyed if he announced his presence with a warrant. These are exigent circumstances allowing for a warrantless search.

While you're puffing your up about 97 year old cases on Wikipedia, Officer Don is fighting crime in the real world. My hat's off to Officer Don!

Yours in Him,
BAB
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-05-2011, 05:00 PM

GLORY!! Another scumbag from an episode of GODs Most Unwanted is off the streets!

Thank you for all of your hard work and dedication Officer Richards! You are surely GODs favorite officer of the LAW!
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-06-2011, 06:13 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Born Again Bob View Post
Dear Friend,

Although Officer Don didn't mention it, I'm sure he smelled the overpowering odor of marijuana emanating from the house, and, based on his training and experience, feared the evidence would be destroyed if he announced his presence with a warrant. These are exigent circumstances allowing for a warrantless search.
Where there's drugs, there's terrorists. Officer Don probably saved Shane's life that day, and every day considering this intervention can be the spring-board for a New Life in Christ for him.
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-06-2011, 08:40 PM

Let's make this clear; if wasn't for Sheriff Richards' heroic actions Shane RIGHT now as we speak would be running is gang out of the Freehold Public Library. Sure Richards' bent the law a little in his search, but how many more victims of his do we need to tell us we need to get this job done?

EDIT: I mean Shane's, now many more victims of Shane's?



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Last edited by Bobby-Joe; 06-06-2011 at 08:40 PM. Reason: mixed up subjects.
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-06-2011, 11:43 PM

You're not going to believe this.

This morning I get a call from some distraught mother who wants to report a missing child.

She says he's been missing since Friday.

"Okay," I say, "How old is he?"

She tells me he just turned 19!

Okay, when you say missing child, I think of a five-year-old brat.

How does a nineteen-year-old boy get lost? Is he some kind of retard?

"Is he some kind of retard," I ask.

"No, he's not a retard," she tells me.

"Okay," I say, "What's he look like?"

Brownish blond hair, she tells me, with blue eyes. Slender build, about five foot nine.

So the whole time I am on the phone with this lady, and I am looking at Shane sitting over there in his cell. With his brown hair and blue eyes. A slender build. Five foot nine...

"Does he respond to the name 'Shane,'" I inquire.

"Yes! Yes he does," she exclaims.

It turns out her little baby boy didn't come home from his birthday party on Friday, and she tried to get in contact with the Sheriff on Friday evening, but he was gone all weekend!

Of course I was gone all weekend, duh! I have to have a break from this stuff every now and then, you know. At least I know who was calling my emergency-only cellphone number all weekend while I was trying to enjoy some peace and quiet. (Now that I think of it, I may have forgotten to tell Deputy Wherthers I would be gone this weekend.)

Something about her report didn't add up, though. How could Shane not have "gotten home" from his birthday party when the birthday party was already AT Shane's house?

If it really wasn't Shane's house, then this might not really be his marijuana, and if it wasn't his marijuana, I couldn't have arrested him for hiding it in his room where I found it.

But I did find it, and I did arrest him for it, so it must have been his house, and that could only mean that mommy and daddy were letting him throw an unsupervised party.

Shame on them!

Well that got her all worked up and she kept trying to tell me that the birthday party really was at somebody else's house, and that Shane lives with them at 612 north 3rd street.

Well both her and her husband came down to the Sheriff's Office with their lease to try and prove their ownership of the house, but it took them an hour to find it and get here, so that is kind of suspicious. Plus, the lease doesn't prove Shane lives with them!

They both insist that I should check ownership of the property at which I apprehended the little weasel to know for sure. I told them I will get around to it this week.

His parents are all worked up now, and claim they're going to hire the "best lawyer money can buy."

Which reminds me, I also need to get around to getting Shane his day in court. I am a busy man.

Pray for me during this test of my patience!
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-07-2011, 12:53 AM

Why does Shane continue to bring grief to True Chtristians?

I blame Bill Clinton.
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-07-2011, 07:30 AM

If only Shane would confess this whole mess would go away, and the family can get behind him rather than enabling his drug habit. There must be some out of country state detention center that you could transfer him to that specializes in obtaining confessions?
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Default Re: Sheriff Richards busts Arch Nemesis, Shane - 06-07-2011, 07:38 AM

This explains a lot. Parents who don't even know where their kid is on his birthday are clearly very bad parents. Their complete lack of parental skills is most likely the cause of Shane being a godless criminal who terrorized the good citizens of Freehold until Sheriff Richards made us all safe again. Clearly these parents need some serious lecture about their Godly duties in raising their retarded child. His parents probably don't even realize how lucky they are that Sheriff Richards didn't arrest them for bad parenting.

Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."


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