[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

I got a call from the shipping people. Apparently the package will be delayed. I think the reason was bad smell, but the Indian call center slut was very hard to understand, so it could be anything. Did you include enough water in the crate for you mother-in-law to survive an extra day?

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

I got another call from the hellbound Indian call center whore. Apparently the crate started making noise, so clearly your mother-in-law is still in great shape. I explained to the Indian call center harlot why she will burn in Hell for all eternity and then she hung up, but I am certain the crate will arrive real soon now. My grandson was crying a bit since we had to postpone his birthday but after a firm beating he recognized the wrong of his ways.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

The crate still hasn't arrived here. I had to beat up the grandkid three times today to get him to stop whining about his delayed birthday.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

The crate still hasn't arrived here. I had to beat up the grandkid three times today to get him to stop whining about his delayed birthday.

I shipped her economy, which didn't come with tracking or insurance...I hope I addressed the crate correctly. If she gets shipped back to me, I can assure you she will be dealt with severely for having delayed your grandchild's party, and for causing you to have to exert yourself upon the whelp...I still have hope that she will arrive eventually, though.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

The crate finally arrived. Unfortunately she ate what was left over from the cake and she even ate the candles. I gave her a severe beating for that and ordered her to make new candles and to use the wood of the crate to build her living quarters. As soon as she makes new candles, we can finally have that birthday. She smells horrible by the way, I hope that is temporary.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

The birthday was a disaster. The candles she made were horrible (she used ear wax for those) and when the festivities required her to be stoned by the children, she started throwing the stones back! I don't think anyone is going to miss the Wilson's kid, but it completely ruined my grandchild's birthday.

But it gets even worse, way worse. For some reason she and my neighbor Mrs. Johnson seem to like each other. Your mother-in-law now actually lives there so now I have two highly annoying women as neighbors.

When can you come and get her back? If you could also take Mrs. Johnson I would be much obliged.

[Freddy Osborne]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Could she be a candidate for Pastor Zeke's Raise The Dead project?

A successful trial on the half dead would boost confidence and create momentum.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

When can you come and get her back? If you could also take Mrs. Johnson I would be much obliged.

Sorry, no returns. She was sold as-is.

But it sounds like the old girl has gone rogue...
Hmmm...two old women living in the same house...smacks of bulldykery to me! And they are probably practicing witchcraft as well. It seems to me that one might have probable cause to implement the mandates of Leviticus, if one could get away with it under the nose of secular law enforcement.

Heck, if you can instigate an angry Christian mob into righteous action, I'll be there for the party with a pitchfork, 50 gallons of diesel fuel, and bells on.

Let me know!

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Sorry, no returns. She was sold as-is.

I was considering to mention Romans 13:7-10 but then I realized I didn't have to pay for her. You are as shrewd as in Luke 16:1-15. I have to applaud you for that, you clearly outsmarted me. Ever considered running for congress?

Heck, if you can instigate an angry Christian mob into righteous action, I'll be there for the party with a pitchfork, 50 gallons of diesel fuel, and bells on.

I have been trying that for years. Unfortunately as soon as I mention it's for Mrs. Johnson, everyone suddenly has other obligations ranging from emigrating to another continent to dying on the spot. I tried it myself a few times but she is always hidden somewhere making it impossible to shoot her from a distance and she seems to have an unlimited supply of annoying dogs making it impossible to come close. I shot so many of those dog that the dead dogs are the primary source of nutrition for the living dogs. I burned down her house a few times but she always find somewhere to hide while her house is being rebuild. I even tried selling her house but she keeps removing the for sale signs. I also tried getting the IRS involved but they hang up immediately when I mention my name. Apparently they still remember I accidentally shot an IRS agent a few years ago.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Aye, there be witchery afoot...and witches are a wiley lot. I think that is why torturing them after they're finally captured is so gratifying. There have been instances when I, after having recieved a full confession in record time, have started backtracking, just to prolong the inquisition. "Are you sure you're a witch? Are you really, really sure?". It usually comes full circle, and they start swearing up and down that they are not a witch again, and I must start all over....which suits me fine. Doing God's work is never boring!

I don't know how to eradicate your problem with the old hags, other than to suggest that you sit back, relax and let Jesus do the wetwork....He'll get them in due time! Our Lord is nothing if not tenacious!

[Ex-Primordial Dwarf]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

As a Christian soldier, I humbly offer my services as a forward observer. I don't really have any other irons in the fire presently, and I am great at recon.

If you can supply me with a lightweight sub-machine gun, a half dozen fragmentation grenades and one of those cool Rambo knives in case I encounter any resistance, that would be real helpful.

In addition, some digital camo BDUs (size 9 months), a pair of black Granimals combat boots, and a bitchin black bandana with skull and crossbones motif would also be great. And a nice assortment of MREs. And $10,000.00 in cash.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

As a Christian soldier, I humbly offer my services as a forward observer. I don't really have any other irons in the fire presently, and I am great at recon.

If you can supply me with a lightweight sub-machine gun, a half dozen fragmentation grenades and one of those cool Rambo knives in case I encounter any resistance, that would be real helpful.

In addition, some digital camo BDUs (size 9 months), a pair of black Granimals combat boots, and a bitchin black bandana with skull and crossbones motif would also be great. And a nice assortment of MREs. And $10,000.00 in cash.

Be still, Dwarf! The situation is well in hand!

Even so, you are a plucky little fellow. It is almost ashame that you should be cast into the fire everlasting. It would be novel to have you in Heaven to gawk and marvel at...I'll see if I can convince Jesus during my next prayer session, but don't hold your breath!

[Chewer]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

The mother-in-law just can't pull the cart anymore. She tries to help the wife in the kitchen, God bless her, but frankly, beating her for leaving spots on the drinking glasses isn't nearly as satisfying as it was a couple years ago when she was only 98.

I am only asking $10.00 American for her. I'm sure she could probably be of some use still, maybe as a practice dummy for young Christian man-children to hone their wife-correction techniques on, or you could just roll her wheel-chair in the corner and let her draw off flies from the rest of the house during the summer, if she lasts that long.

If anyone is interested, let me know. I am not firm on the price, and am open to negotiation. Serious offers only, please.

My youngest son will be 8 next month. Maybe I ought buy her as a practice target for him. Do you think you could do 7.50?

[Basilissa]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

My youngest son will be 8 next month. Maybe I ought buy her as a practice target for him. Do you think you could do 7.50?

You need to ask Cranky Old Man that question. He owns her now. Based on his remarks, though, I suspect he might be open to your offer.

(If she's still breathing).

Unless, of course, Brother Witch Hammer has another grandmother on sale.

[curious1]

Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?