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Landover Baptist Lounge Relax, Kick your shoes off. Praise Jesus!!! (Blacks and Homosexuals strictly prohibited!)

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  #1  
Old 09-21-2006, 09:22 PM
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Daisy Mae Johnson Daisy Mae Johnson is offline
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Default How to be a Good True Christian™ Wife

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

A good Wife KNOWS her place!

And remember, a good spanking or slap upside of the head maybe required to keep her in line.



Ladies, please post your ideas and comments on what makes YOU a good True Christian™ Wife.

Helpful, Sister Thumper
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  #2  
Old 09-21-2006, 10:22 PM
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I agree BTB. If there's something this tree-hugger can do well is please her man. I love to spoil my man (if I had one ) and serve him on hand and foot. There's nothing more pleasing than seeing your man happy.

Moon
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  #3  
Old 09-22-2006, 12:21 AM
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I agree BTB. If there's something this tree-hugger can do well is please her man. I love to spoil my man (if I had one ) and serve him on hand and foot. There's nothing more pleasing than seeing your man happy.

Moon
You have the right attitude. Now all you need to do is shave your legs and armpits and start tithing to Landover.
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  #4  
Old 09-22-2006, 12:36 AM
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MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
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Like I've said a million and one times before...I SHAVE ALL MY BODY HAIR (except for my head) TO PREVENT FLEAS. And, just in case you haven'ty heard...I TITHE TO LANDOVER EVERY SUNDAY (if not Pa'daddy will come to my Sycamore and beat me silly).

So, now that I tithe AND shave, what's my next move Mikey? I'm already going to start my Bible Studies® and Healings® with Lar baby.

Moon
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Old 09-22-2006, 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
Like I've said a million and one times before...I SHAVE ALL MY BODY HAIR (except for my head) TO PREVENT FLEAS. And, just in case you haven'ty heard...I TITHE TO LANDOVER EVERY SUNDAY (if not Pa'daddy will come to my Sycamore and beat me silly).

So, now that I tithe AND shave, what's my next move Mikey? I'm already going to start my Bible Studies® and Healings® with Lar baby.

Moon
Get a proper job and tithe more. It creeps me out knowing that you live in the woods like a jungle monkey.
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  #6  
Old 09-22-2006, 12:49 AM
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Sorry Mikey. The last thing I wanna do is creep anyone out. I'm trying to see if anyone needs someone that's going to mainatin the house for them. I'm hoping Lar baby or BJ will hire me...they'd be really good bosses and they're very patient with me.

I'll get a job Mikey, but then what??

Moon
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  #7  
Old 09-22-2006, 12:53 AM
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Originally Posted by MoonFlower View Post
Sorry Mikey. The last thing I wanna do is creep anyone out. I'm trying to see if anyone needs someone that's going to mainatin the house for them. I'm hoping Lar baby or BJ will hire me...they'd be really good bosses and they're very patient with me.

I'll get a job Mikey, but then what??

Moon
REPENT™ from your wiccan ways and accept JESUS into your life and become a True Christian™. Then find ways to tithe more to Landover Baptist.
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  #8  
Old 09-22-2006, 12:54 AM
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Despite all the patience you have obviously been shown, Moon..
You still spit in the face of Jesus?!

You're lucky I don't live in Freehold (as of yet) or I would have dragged you by-the-hair back to good Pastor Al!

Lets hope Brother Mike will set you straight.
For your own sake! Because hell is no fun.
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  #9  
Old 09-22-2006, 01:01 AM
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MoonFlower MoonFlower is offline
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MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
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REPENT™ from your wiccan ways and accept JESUS into your life and become a True Christian™. Then find ways to tithe more to Landover Baptist.

The only way I'll convert to Christianity...again...is if I marry a Christian. And since that's probably NOT going to happen, then neither is me converting.

It's a shame too cuz I'd make a great wife! I love to cook and clean and I REALLY want babies! And I'd NEVER turn down hanky panky (for the purpose of making children, of course).

*sigh* At least I have my 13 cats to keep me company.

Moon
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Last edited by MoonFlower; 09-22-2006 at 01:19 AM.
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:08 AM
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That's the silliest thing I ever heard! Christianity is not something you can put on and take off like clothes to please a man! Christianity is accepting CHRIST, heart and soul and tithing to Landover. Then, when you get married, your husband and his family can tithe as well!
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:37 AM
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Default To Be "Glendora Good", Add These Steps.

How to be a "Good as Glendora" Wife

1. ALWAYS serve fresh orange juice. Only whores use frozen.

2. DO NOT sit down at breakfast. Your Husband will be trying to read the morning paper and the sound of your chair scraping on the floor will be a distraction to him.

3. DO NOT distract him with your female insanity; PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies.

4. Bake lots of cookies and cakes and treats. ALWAYS REMEMBER a fat Husband is a faithful Husband.

5. You may sit at the dinner table, but if he wants hotter gravy or something from the kitchen, you need to be up and gone for it with a smile.

6. After dinner you may begin clearing the table as he waits for you to bring his dessert. If he aims a playful swipe at your backside during the clearing, smile and continue to get his dessert.

7. Do not complain or question if your Husband has plans for after dinner. He has the right to a private life. Never call to check up on him. Use your free time to bake more, or to do his laundry.

8. Always go to bed before your Husband. He deserves a quiet time to reflect on his day and to plan for tomorrow. If he wakes you for sex when he comes to bed, give in graciously.

9. Never initiate sex yourself. Only whores initiate sex.

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  #12  
Old 09-22-2006, 01:37 AM
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MoonFlower MoonFlower is offline
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MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
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Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
That's the silliest thing I ever heard! Christianity is not something you can put on and take off like clothes to please a man! Christianity is accepting CHRIST, heart and soul and tithing to Landover. Then, when you get married, your husband and his family can tithe as well!
Well I need a good True Christian man to be my teacher and future husband before I convert! Remember what happend last time I jumped into Chritianity?! Remember what happened??? I don't want that to ever happen again, so if any man out there can possible make me think twice about what I believe...he's the man for me. Untill then, I'll continue my search.

Moon
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Last edited by MoonFlower; 09-22-2006 at 01:42 AM.
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:41 AM
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Well I need a good True Christian man to be me teacher and future husband before I convert! Remember what happend last time I jumped into Chritianity?! Remember what happened??? I don't want that to ever happen again, so if any man out there can possible make me think twice about what I believe...he's the man for me. Untill then, I'll continue my search.

Moon
I dunno, moon. Are you gonna stick to all these guidelines and become a True Christian™?
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:44 AM
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MoonFlower MoonFlower is offline
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MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.MoonFlower is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
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If the man's a good teacher, of course. I'd do anything for the person I'm gonna spend eternity with. I think I'd make a damn good wife!

I make kick ass pies too.

Moon
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:49 AM
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If the man's a good teacher, of course. I'd do anything for the person I'm gonna spend eternity with. I think I'd make a damn good wife!

I make kick ass pies too.

Moon
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Old 09-22-2006, 04:35 AM
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Uh...ahem....I think you need to speak to Pastor Pistle about making some arrangements for a proper Christian chaperone Brother Mike....And don't get too involved until you've tasted some of these allegedly delicious pies.
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #17  
Old 09-22-2006, 04:37 AM
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Brother_Mike Brother_Mike is offline
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Brother_Mike is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Uh...ahem....I think you need to speak to Pastor Pistle about making some arrangements for a proper Christian chaperone Brother Mike....And don't get too involved until you've tasted some of these allegedly delicious pies.
I've already tithed the chaperone fee ($200) via paypal, when Pastor Pistle gets here we'll organize something.
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  #18  
Old 09-22-2006, 04:46 AM
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SalvationSeeker SalvationSeeker is offline
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SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.SalvationSeeker is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
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Congratulations, Brother Mike & Moon.
I am sure you will make a True Christian woman out of her, Brother.

For as we both surely know:
"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman."
Proverbs 21:19
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A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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  #19  
Old 09-22-2006, 05:53 AM
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Mrs. Rogers Mrs. Rogers is offline
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Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Rogers will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Indeed, but let us not be too eager; nothing angers a True Christian™ husband more than salting his food before he has had a chance to taste it. Mr. Rogers would give me a sharp rap over the knuckles - with the hard, heavy handle of his knife - whenever I abused the condiments, and therefore his dinner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
3. DO NOT distract him with your female insanity; PMS induced crying jags are not emergencies.
So very true - PMS is an indulgence that no True Christian™ lady need partake of; additionally, men do not want nor need to hear the words "cramps", "periods", or even "heavy to medium flow". In the interests of sparing husbands from the horror of our womanhood, I recommend all younger ladies who still suffer the Monthly Curse© find a good hiding place for their sanitary napkins - there's no need to succumb to the temptation of "discreet" Fingers of Satan. I suggest hiding your napkins under the laundry sink, behind the cleaning products; no True Christian™ man has ever ventured there, as far as I know.
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Signs that you belong to a FALSE Christian Church.

Persecution You Have Endured for CHRIST: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger in Christ.

For True Christians™ only: please send me Project Habakkuk updates at gertruderogers@landoverbaptist.net. Thank you.
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  #20  
Old 09-22-2006, 07:03 AM
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lilith lilith is offline
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lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.lilith is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Rogers View Post
Indeed, but let us not be too eager; nothing angers a True Christian™ husband more than salting his food before he has had a chance to taste it. Mr. Rogers would give me a sharp rap over the knuckles - with the hard, heavy handle of his knife - whenever I abused the condiments, and therefore his dinner.


So very true - PMS is an indulgence that no True Christian™ lady need partake of; additionally, men do not want nor need to hear the words "cramps", "periods", or even "heavy to medium flow". In the interests of sparing husbands from the horror of our womanhood, I recommend all younger ladies who still suffer the Monthly Curse© find a good hiding place for their sanitary napkins - there's no need to succumb to the temptation of "discreet" Fingers of Satan. I suggest hiding your napkins under the laundry sink, behind the cleaning products; no True Christian™ man has ever ventured there, as far as I know.

So...Mrs R? Is it true that's because TC men believe that proximity to cleaning products will cause...um..vital..bits of their anatomy to drop off?
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