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Long thought to be a gentle giant of the deep, the manatee (also known as the sea cow) is, in fact, a vicious demonic killer devastating the delicate balance of our wetland ecologies and posing an extreme risk of serious injury or death to anyone, man or beast, caught unawares in the waterways that the manatee calls home. Descended from the demon-possessed pigs that Jesus drove into the sea in Matthew 8, manatees will stop at nothing in their mission to ruin the natural world, and often swim hundreds of miles as they hunt their favorite food item, human children.
Won’t you please help us to eliminate this dire threat to life, limb, the natural world? While donations of cash are always welcome, we are also asking that you send used propellers (the rustier the better), spear guns, and surplus high explosives for our manatee remediation project. Imagine how great you’ll feel telling your grandchildren that you did your part to make this a manatee-free world.
Eliminating smallpox was the great humanitarian accomplishment of the 20th Century. With your help, we will make the eradication of the manatee peril the crowning achievement of the 21st.
Two manatees discussing the best hunting grounds for human babies.
Won’t you please help us to eliminate this dire threat to life, limb, the natural world? While donations of cash are always welcome, we are also asking that you send used propellers (the rustier the better), spear guns, and surplus high explosives for our manatee remediation project. Imagine how great you’ll feel telling your grandchildren that you did your part to make this a manatee-free world.
Eliminating smallpox was the great humanitarian accomplishment of the 20th Century. With your help, we will make the eradication of the manatee peril the crowning achievement of the 21st.
Look at those evil hands! They could paddle one to death in mere minutes!
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