Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Pastafarianism revealed.

Friends, we have finally caught the demon who mocks god with meatballs. Well, we haven't actually CAUGHT him because the Department of Faith is busy trying to get the GODLY republican torturers off the retribution hook. But we have hacked into his secret IM account and you can ask him questions right here!

JESUS delivers these people to us eventually and we convert them or the electrodes convert them.

This is JF, the chief Pastafarian and SATAN's spawn. May GOD have mercy on his soul!

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

Oh Dear how wrong you have all got it, you have fallen for the Jesus myth, anyone with half a brain knows that the world and the rest of the universe was created 5000 years ago by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

I have long believed that the great failing of the spaghetti monster was the well-known fact that tomato sauce tends to solidify. Any god thus encumbered in the free use of limbs department would be severely restricted in the creation and intervention areas, unlike the Lord of Hosts, Whose Works are constantly on display and irrefutably evident to us all.

Also any food-stuff based god (and this goes for the Catlixs’ lies on transubstantiation too) has the problem of constant regeneration as followers consume him. (Oh, I’ve just thought of another reason – is the spaghetti monster male or female? Who would worship a female, a neutral gender or a hermaphrodite?)

Oh Dear how wrong you have all got it, you have fallen for the Jesus myth, anyone with half a brain knows that the world and the rest of the universe was created 5000 years ago by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Mr Jo, God created the world 6,000 years ago. There is not the slightest hint anywhere in the Bible that thereafter He also created pasta-based life forms or handed over re-creation.

Sir, you are deluded and require long-term hospital treatment.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

The REAL lessons for life can be found in The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go fuck yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.

6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
1. Ending poverty
2. Curing diseases
3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.

7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

Oh Dear how wrong you have all got it, you have fallen for the Jesus myth, anyone with half a brain knows that the world and the rest of the universe was created 5000 years ago by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Son, spaghetti wasn't even INVENTED 5,000 years ago. JESUS invented it in Nazareth I think, but I can't prove it in Scripture.

JESUS gives us all we can handle, and the Pastafarian cult is growing almost as fast as Sintology and the ridiculous belief in EVILution.

Friends, I suggest you try to help this poor, disillusioned person before GOD smites him with a meteorite.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

The Flying Spaghetti Monster's Sauce is perfect, you are confused by Mankind's pale imitation of his Sauce, any sauce made by human hand can not possibly reach the perfection of the true Sauce.

The FSM's followers do not consume our true creator but consume a representation of the Creator, those deluded catholics follow a simaler practice with their bread and wine

[Wide-Open]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

There's a logical problem here friend: how did he cook himself? The FSM couldn't cook himself before he was the FSM now could he?

I dunno, a supreme being made of dago sticks that need 10 minutes before being al dente doesn't impress Baby Jesus much.

1 Samuel 17:43
He said to David, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

How very dare you accuse the True History of Creation of having anything to do with those fools that peddle the Evolution Myth.

I suppose you also deny that global warming can be directly related to the demise of true Pirates

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

There's a logical problem here friend: how did he cook himself? The FSM couldn't cook himself before he was the FSM now could he?

I dunno, a supreme being made of dago sticks that need 10 minutes before being al dente doesn't impress Baby Jesus much.

1 Samuel 17:43
He said to David, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?" And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.

Why would he need to cook himself? He was already perfect, we have to cook pasta made by man in a vane attempt to come close to his perfection

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

T The REAL lessons for life can be found in The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

You just made them up – if you think something can be made with Godly authority merely by writing it down, you are deluded.

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

So basically, the SM has no self-respect?

2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

Not much of a god are you? God must be able to show the magnificence of His creation and His awesome power over it – fat lot a god is if he can do little more than your neighbor.

3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

God gave us eyes that we might see the good and evil of the world. We would never have discovered such things as pi=3 if we had, all the time, been mistaking rattle snakes for bits of string. Judgment is there to be used.

4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go piffle yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

…and here lies the faulty with your theology – God has given us a set of guidelines, your idiot god says, “I’ll leave all decisions to your subjective powers.”

5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.

Ah, I see some common ground emerging – God too knows how wrong it is not to distinguish between the races, treat women as if they ran the place and not eat pounds of Godly fat from sacrificial lambs!

6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness

You can be assured that Landover will never spend a penny on SM.

when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
1. Ending poverty
2. Curing diseases
3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable

Jesus said the poor are always with us – to end poverty would be to deny Him! Disease is Divine retribution to restrict God is blasphemy. Jesus commands us to slay those who will not accept Him as their leader – you’re not much of a Christian are you?

I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.

Jesus likes simple people too! They seem to accept His message far easier than those who are arrogantly intelligent.

7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

Don’t worry, you’ve not said anything worth repeating yet.

8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/vaseline.

Good to see you take a Godly line on Sex, Homerism, etc! The Lord Aapproves!

If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM!

You have just undone all your good words…

Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

It is death to unborn potential souls!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

The REAL lessons for life can be found in The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

I'm afraid this is going to be harder than I thought. We probably should have grabbed an easier target like Kim Jong Il and put him in GITMO immediately; but since we have this demon engaged in conversation, GOD won't fail us.

Listen to me boy. All of those "I wish" things sound really gay. Of course men know Teal from Fuchsia! Teal is a light ale and Fuschia is a dark German brew. All of those other rules are more or less exactly contrary to Scripture. Women are property. You buy and sell them. Of course we Christians don't oppress anyone. We may have to kill a few witches or unbelievers, but it's not murder if GOD tells you to do it.

WE ARE COMMANDED to judge everyone and everything. I am not going to start quoting Scripture to you yet. I don't think you have been tortured into submission convinced by the Bible's irrefutable logic just yet. But at any time feel free to challenge me or ANY PASTOR HERE to show you the appropriate passage in the KJV1611 (Authorized) Bible which GOD caused to be written for His new Church of Landover. We were given leave to bring His word to the new country and slaughter all of the injuns who had pre-stolen our land and we still have several hundred scalps and war trophies in the Landover Natural History of Creation museum.

Our primary mission is to 'perfect' JOOS according to Ann Coulter, eradicate Catlix who worship the fish-head god, LDS, goths, wiccans, gays, etc. and then move on and become prepared for the day of reckoning when JESUS returns to start Armageddon and make the rivers flow with blood in His mercy.

You have only a short period of time to decide. Will you be Saved™ or soup?

We are willing to work with you. We successfully converted the Jerry Jones cult within an hour. Sadly, most of them are in HELL gulping lava with SATAN's huge, spiked member slapping at their backsides for eternity....but we did manage to arrange the meeting.

I appeal to you, son. Don't try to think for yourself. Jesus hates that. Begin your tithing program of 20% a month and we can start on your eternal life!

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

"You just made them up - if you think something can be made with Godly authority merely by writing it down, you are deluded."

Yeh like some old git coming down from having a kip up a hill is more valid then the truth of a true prophet such as Mosey the Pirate captain who was given the The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" while brooding atop Mount Salsa

"So basically, the SM has no self-respect?"

No The FSM as confident in his place in the universe and is not riddled with doubt

"Not much of a god are you? God must be able to show the magnificence of His creation and His awesome power over it – fat lot a god is if he can do little more than your neighbor."

The true creator has respect for his creation, do you feel so insicure that you feel that the creator must hate you?

"God gave us eyes that we might see the good and evil of the world. We would never have discovered such things as pi=3 if we had, all the time, been mistaking rattle snakes for bits of string. Judgment is there to be used."

Pi is approximately 3.14159265358979323846 your acceptance as it being 3 shows your lack of understanding of creation

"-and here lies the faulty with your theology - God has given us a set of guidelines, your idiot god says, -I’ll leave all decisions to your subjective powers.-"

The FSM gave you a brain if you are not capable of using it that is not his fault.

"Ah, I see some common ground emerging - God too knows how wrong it is not to distinguish between the races, treat women as if they ran the place and not eat pounds of Godly fat from sacrificial lambs!"

One point of convergence...

"You can be assured that Landover will never spend a penny on SM."

So those Gold Bath taps don't exist?

"Jesus said the poor are always with us - to end poverty would be to deny Him! Disease is Divine retribution to restrict God is blasphemy. Jesus commands us to slay those who will not accept Him as their leader - you’re not much of a Christian are you?"

Very true I am no sort of Christian, you use your myth to keep down the less fortunate, the true joy of creation tells us to improve the lot of our fellow man.

"Jesus likes simple people too! They seem to accept His message far easier than those who are arrogantly intelligent."

So you admit your Myth appeals to the hard of thinking?

"Don’t worry, you’ve not said anything worth repeating yet."

But you claim your fictional deity talks to you?

"Good to see you take a Godly line on Sex, Homerism, etc! The Lord Aapproves! "

We do not seek the approval of your mythical lord

"You have just undone all your good words"

Why because the creator want us to be safe and not to populate his world with the unwanted?

"It is death to unborn potential souls!"

If your mythical God was so strong would a thin bit of rubber really get in the way of the life he wanted to create?

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

"I'm afraid this is going to be harder that I thought. We probably should have grabbed an easier target like Kim Jong Il and put him in GITMO immediately; but since we have this demon engaged in conversation, GOD won't fail us."

This is because I have truth on my side

"Listen to me boy. Al of those "I wish" things sound really gay. Of course men know Teal from Fuchsia! Teal is a light ale and Fuschia is a dark German brew. All of those other rules are more or less exactly contrary to Scripture. Women are property. You buy and sell them. Of course we Christians don't oppress anyone. We may have to kill a few witches or unbelievers, but it's not murder if GOD tells you to do it"

This clearly shows your do NOT know Teal from Fuchsia and that your scriptures do not reflect truth but some kind of misogynist fantasy

"WE ARE COMMANDED to judge everyone and everything. I am not going to start quoting Scripture to you yet. I don't think you have been [s]tortured into submission [s/] convinced by the Bible's irrefutable logic just yet. But at any time feel free to challenge me or ANY PASTOR HERE to show you the appropriate passage in the KJV1611 (Authorized) Bible which GOD caused to be written for His new Church of Landover. We were given leave to bring His word to the new country and slaughter all of the injuns who had pre-stolen our land and we still have several hundred scalps and war trophies in the Landover Natural History of Creation museum."

It is not our role to judge, that is the role of our creator, how dare you persume you have that right

"Our primary mission is to 'perfect' JOOS according to Ann Coulter and then move on and become prepared for the day of reckoning when JESUS returns to start Armageddon and make the rivers flow with blood in His mercy."

you really think out creator hate his creation that much?

"You have only a short period of time to decide. Will you be Saved or soup?

We are willing to work with you. We successfully converted the Jerry Jones cult within an hour. Sadly, most of them are in HELL gulping lava with SATAN's huge, spiked member slapping at their backsides for eternity....but we did manage to arrange the meeting.

I appeal to you, son. Don't try to think for yourself. Jesus hates that. Begin your tithing program of 20% a month and we can start on your eternal life!"

The Flying Spaghetti Monster gave us a brian and wants us to use it, your Myth seems to see the use of reason and thinking as evil


RAmen

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

So those Gold Bath taps don't exist?

Of course they exist! M't:6:19: Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:Gold is resistant to moth and rust, Bobby-Joe and the security detail detain anyone who might look like a thief and thus Gold taps are an economic saving - I am a True Christian, I can only afford the best!

Re - you’re not much of a Christian are you?"

Very true I am no sort of Christian, you use your myth to keep down the less fortunate,

Oh here we see the way you SM'ers see the world as divided rather than as united. God made us high and lowly and ordered our estate! We are united in the belief that all is for the best.

the true joy of creation tells us to improve the lot of our fellow man.

You'll find none of that commie rubbish in the Bible!

Re: - "Jesus likes simple people too! They seem to accept His message far easier than those who are arrogantly intelligent."

So you admit your Myth appeals to the hard of thinking?

Of course! He likes to do something for the idiots of the world as well - see it as equal opportunity with the balance on the side of the less well endowed.

re:"You have just undone all your good words"

Why because the creator want us to be safe and not to populate his world with the unwanted?

How could anyone be "unwanted"? That sounds like your SM is the very sort of god that would have thousands killed.

Re -"It is death to unborn potential souls!"

If your mythical God was so strong would a thin bit of rubber really get in the way of the life he wanted to create?

It is the work of the devil.

[Talitha]

Re: Evils of the Noodly Appendage!

Italian food always gives me wind.
Now I know it will also send me to Hell if I eat any more