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Old 05-01-2010, 05:44 PM
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Question Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christian?

For the last time, THIS IS FOR MEN ONLY! THIS INCLUDES YOU, LITTLE LADY, YES I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! MEN ONLY! MEN ONLY!

Is there such a thing as Christian penis enlargement? I ask because there are a lot of websites with information on how to grow a bigger penis, but all of them are filled with sin, including pictures, lust-inducing discussions, and disturbing arabic words like "jelq".

I think the "jelq" method is not Christian, because it requires a state of semi-arousal, making it half-masturbation. The tempation to think lustfully is too great, and there is even a risk of onanism - and the very thought of killing unconcieved children makes my penis want to shrivel up and hide inside me.

Creams aren't Christian, since they have to be "applied", so that leaves pills. However, I don't recommend these for older gentlemen, as Obama's death panels might give you a cyanide capsule instead.

I asked Dr Laurie if she could enlarge my penis, but she misinterpreted my request with awkward results.

Advice please.

EDIT: NO I don't ask this for lustful purposes. It is just that I used to take pride in all forms of my manliness and after seeing a certain brother have a certain "church boner" I have been feeling less-manly. Frankly I was shocked to learn that God makes them longer than 4 inches.
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  #2  
Old 05-01-2010, 06:15 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Pastor Zeke needs to chime in. He is widely held to know the most about Christian penises.
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  #3  
Old 05-01-2010, 06:29 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

As an ordained reverend who knows the Bible through and through, I can vouch that it is not a sin to enlarge your penis, as long as it is for the right reasons. If you are doing so for vanity or to attract more sexual partners, then no. That's a sin. But, if God created you with a small tallywhacker and you find it difficult to have proper intercourse with your wife, then that is perfectly acceptable.

I have a friend of mine, let's call him Rev. Joe, that's a fellow televangelist. He has everything he wants in his life...a nice mansion overlooking the Pacific Ocean, a fleet of Rolls-Royces, a beautiful wife 30 years his junior, an award-winning television gospel program, and a faithful flock who listens to his every word and is generous in their tithing. Even when he got caught with a Thai transsexual prostitute and his money laundering and tax evasion were brought public, and he ended up spending the next fifteen years in a federal prison, Rev. Joe was still blessed by God. Upon his release, he made a comeback with his career and joined up with one of the richest churches in America.

Rev. Joe had one problem though. He was not "gifted" by God down there. His first wife nicknamed his appendage "Lil' Stubby". As a result, intercourse was always embarrassing and awkward. It didn't help that he had a massive gut in the way.

So, Rev. Joe went to see Dr. Bernie Schwartz of the Schwartz Male Health Clinic in Beverly Hills. Dr. Bernie was able to enlarge Rev. Joe so that he would be able to satisfy his wife in future adventures. The office was very clean, the staff helpful, and Dr. Bernie listened to me patiently and was truly professional. I highly recommend Dr. Schwartz.
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Old 05-05-2010, 01:49 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

I, too, know of a person suffering the same affliction as Rev. Joe. My friend longs for relief from this problem.

Could you ask Rev. Joe to share some of the techniques as practiced by the good doctor?

My little friend would be appreciative of learning more of this subject.
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Old 05-05-2010, 01:56 PM
Oakland "Reb" Griner Oakland "Reb" Griner is offline
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

I should think that if such treatments were for the only purpose of facilitating conception of more soldiers for Christ with your wife, then there would be no problem at all.

I might add a caution, that if some other motive(s) were present besides fathering more Godly children, God's wrath over the practice might assume particularly gruesome and disturbing proportions.
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Old 05-05-2010, 03:55 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.
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Old 05-05-2010, 04:01 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.
Is that the new "fluffer" technology that the Creation Scientists over at Lanbover Baptist University have been telling me about?
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Old 05-05-2010, 06:37 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

This just makes me sad.

Why am I cursed like the Egyptians in Ezekiel 16:26? Why LORD, WHY?
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Old 05-05-2010, 06:45 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother V View Post
This just makes me sad.

Why am I cursed like the Egyptians in Ezekiel 16:26? Why LORD, WHY?
I had heard you.. um suffered, like the Egyptians did in Ezekiel 23:20.
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Old 05-05-2010, 06:49 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.
I would be interested in this technique, as sometimes it slips out at the most inopportune moment and I do not want to be smited as Onan was.
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Old 05-05-2010, 06:56 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Levi Jones View Post
I had heard you.. um suffered, like the Egyptians did in Ezekiel 23:20.
That's the affliction.



But, you know what they say; God only gives you as much as you can bear.

Sometimes I wish it was less, but you sometimes gotta make due with what you have.
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:04 PM
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Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother V View Post
That's the affliction.



But, you know what they say; God only gives you as much as you can bear.

Sometimes I wish it was less, but you sometimes gotta make due with what you have.
Does it hurt your back at all? I've heard that can be a problem.
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  #13  
Old 05-06-2010, 08:12 PM
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Bobby-Joe Bobby-Joe is offline
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Does it hurt your back at all? I've heard that can be a problem.
From that picture he sent the Landover Benevolence Committee I would imagine.
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  #14  
Old 05-06-2010, 08:52 PM
James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

The good Lord made all of us, some He gave big feet, some big hands and some a big.
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  #15  
Old 05-06-2010, 09:38 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
From that picture he sent the Landover Benevolence Committee I would imagine.
Ah, I hadn't seen that image.

Perhaps a handcart would be useful?
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Old 05-06-2010, 09:51 PM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Sorry to derail your thread brother Jeb, i'll let you people get back to your little issues.

YIC
V
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:22 AM
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Jimmy C Lombardo Jimmy C Lombardo is offline
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Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.Jimmy C Lombardo has bribed people to get these reputation points.
Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

I was taught that God invented many great things like fire, electricity and penis enlargement. Only a Christian knows how to use these gifts wisely.
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Old 05-08-2010, 02:50 AM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Don't worry, I m not looking at the screen, only at my keyboard. As an anthropologist, I should tell you that larger scrotums. not larger penese or penises or whatever serve God. The larger the teabag, the stronger the tea, so to speak. "Stronger" tea means more tadpoles for Christ per fluid ounce. That's all you need to know to serve God while stumbling along, in the dark, doing your part for the furtherence of the True Christian Race.

I will back out of the forum slowly with my eyes averted.

Uncomfortably Yours,

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Old 05-08-2010, 02:58 AM
James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
Don't worry, I m not looking at the screen, only at my keyboard. As an anthropologist, I should tell you that larger scrotums. not larger penese or penises or whatever serve God. The larger the teabag, the stronger the tea, so to speak. "Stronger" tea means more tadpoles for Christ per fluid ounce. That's all you need to know to serve God while stumbling along, in the dark, doing your part for the furtherence of the True Christian Race.

I will back out of the forum slowly with my eyes averted.

Uncomfortably Yours,

Handmaiden
It seems that you have achieved a higher education level that most . It is unfortunate that you did not learn how to read. THIS section is for MEN only. Unless you can grab some thing other than air between your legs(Testicles) I suggest you move on. Take note of the highlighted text!
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Old 05-08-2010, 03:15 AM
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Default Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Actually, "penes" minus the "e" is an acceptable plural for the word "penis". "Furtherence" I gotta give ya, though. Still, considering that I'm typing without reading, that is pretty impressive.

Plus, I was married, you know. So I saw one in person once. My husband was a deeply, sincerely spiritual man who did not allow his sex drive to get out of hand, so I was spared too much exposure . There was just enough to remind of God's glory in having made Man in His Own Image.


Backing out once again, no looking back at Noah's Ark or anything.

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