Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christian?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

For the last time, THIS IS FOR MEN ONLY! THIS INCLUDES YOU, LITTLE LADY, YES I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! MEN ONLY! MEN ONLY!

Is there such a thing as Christian penis enlargement? I ask because there are a lot of websites with information on how to grow a bigger penis, but all of them are filled with sin, including pictures, lust-inducing discussions, and disturbing arabic words like "jelq".

I think the "jelq" method is not Christian, because it requires a state of semi-arousal, making it half-masturbation. The tempation to think lustfully is too great, and there is even a risk of onanism - and the very thought of killing unconcieved children makes my penis want to shrivel up and hide inside me.

Creams aren't Christian, since they have to be "applied", so that leaves pills. However, I don't recommend these for older gentlemen, as Obama's death panels might give you a cyanide capsule instead.

I asked Dr Laurie if she could enlarge my penis, but she misinterpreted my request with awkward results.

Advice please.

EDIT: NO I don't ask this for lustful purposes. It is just that I used to take pride in all forms of my manliness and after seeing a certain brother have a certain "church boner" I have been feeling less-manly. Frankly I was shocked to learn that God makes them longer than 4 inches.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Pastor Zeke needs to chime in. He is widely held to know the most about Christian penises.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

As an ordained reverend who knows the Bible through and through, I can vouch that it is not a sin to enlarge your penis, as long as it is for the right reasons. If you are doing so for vanity or to attract more sexual partners, then no. That's a sin. But, if God created you with a small tallywhacker and you find it difficult to have proper intercourse with your wife, then that is perfectly acceptable.

I have a friend of mine, let's call him Rev. Joe, that's a fellow televangelist. He has everything he wants in his life...a nice mansion overlooking the Pacific Ocean, a fleet of Rolls-Royces, a beautiful wife 30 years his junior, an award-winning television gospel program, and a faithful flock who listens to his every word and is generous in their tithing. Even when he got caught with a Thai transsexual prostitute and his money laundering and tax evasion were brought public, and he ended up spending the next fifteen years in a federal prison, Rev. Joe was still blessed by God. Upon his release, he made a comeback with his career and joined up with one of the richest churches in America.

Rev. Joe had one problem though. He was not "gifted" by God down there. His first wife nicknamed his appendage "Lil' Stubby". As a result, intercourse was always embarrassing and awkward. It didn't help that he had a massive gut in the way.

So, Rev. Joe went to see Dr. Bernie Schwartz of the Schwartz Male Health Clinic in Beverly Hills. Dr. Bernie was able to enlarge Rev. Joe so that he would be able to satisfy his wife in future adventures. The office was very clean, the staff helpful, and Dr. Bernie listened to me patiently and was truly professional. I highly recommend Dr. Schwartz.

[HTannor]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

I, too, know of a person suffering the same affliction as Rev. Joe. My friend longs for relief from this problem.

Could you ask Rev. Joe to share some of the techniques as practiced by the good doctor?

My little friend would be appreciative of learning more of this subject.

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

I should think that if such treatments were for the only purpose of facilitating conception of more soldiers for Christ with your wife, then there would be no problem at all.

I might add a caution, that if some other motive(s) were present besides fathering more Godly children, God's wrath over the practice might assume particularly gruesome and disturbing proportions.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.

Is that the new "fluffer" technology that the Creation Scientists over at Lanbover Baptist University have been telling me about?

[Brother V]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

This just makes me sad.

Why am I cursed like the Egyptians in Ezekiel 16:26? Why LORD, WHY?

[Levi Jones]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

This just makes me sad.

Why am I cursed like the Egyptians in Ezekiel 16:26? Why LORD, WHY?

I had heard you.. um suffered, like the Egyptians did in Ezekiel 23:20.

[Seth Campbell]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

If enlargement of your baby-batter nozzle is necessary for you to fulfill God's command to be fruitful and multiply or to render due benevolence to your wife, then you should avail yourself of the state-of-the-art faith-healing techniques at the Landover Creation Medical Center.

I would be interested in this technique, as sometimes it slips out at the most inopportune moment and I do not want to be smited as Onan was.

[Brother V]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

I had heard you.. um suffered, like the Egyptians did in Ezekiel 23:20.

That's the affliction.



But, you know what they say; God only gives you as much as you can bear.

Sometimes I wish it was less, but you sometimes gotta make due with what you have.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

That's the affliction.



But, you know what they say; God only gives you as much as you can bear.

Sometimes I wish it was less, but you sometimes gotta make due with what you have.

Does it hurt your back at all? I've heard that can be a problem.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

Does it hurt your back at all? I've heard that can be a problem.

From that picture he sent the Landover Benevolence Committee I would imagine.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

The good Lord made all of us, some He gave big feet, some big hands and some a big.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Christian penis enlargment? Can penis enlargement be Christia

From that picture he sent the Landover Benevolence Committee I would imagine.

Ah, I hadn't seen that image.

Perhaps a handcart would be useful?