Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

As you probably know over the weekend (those Ladies of Landover spread everything around!), my 29 year old wife Jennifer and I are getting a divorce. She was my fifth wife. I've been married to her for over 3 years, and she is yet to produce a child (preferably, son). Now the doctor says it's my fault since I am 69 years old and creating bad sperm, but we know this is not the case. Why would God curse such a holy and perfect man as I?

But, recent events have made me believe she is committing the disgusting sin of adultery on me, while I have been 100% completely faithful to her. It saddens me that she would seek other men for company while I remained steadfast and dutiful as a husband. The fact that she has fought with me in public over my Ladies of the Lord program shows she is a disgusting, vile sinner who dares question a Godly pastor of his duties. She has signed paperwork through the attorneys which admit she has commited adultery in exchange for an alimony of upwards of seven figures a year. Some truly spiteful and gossipy people have questioned the fact that an adulterous wife should gain such a huge alimony and even thought that it was a bribe, or "hush money". Well, nothing is further from the truth.

Lest anyone dare criticize me for divorcing a wife, let it be known that Jesus Himself said the only grounds for divorce is adultery.

Matthew 5:32
But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

In the past, my wives either cheated on me or died. So, I have maintained my True Christian™ ways since the beginning, and I am getting fed up with these insinuations that my character is something sordid and sinful!

So, now I am looking for a young lady age 18-24 for marriage. I really do need to find a wife that can grant me a suitable child. All my children are unsaved monsters and I can't believe they rebelled against my teachings. One daughter is liberal scum living in San Francisco, and one of my sons was a disgusting homosexual (fortunately, he committed suicide before he could spread the gay to others! Praise Jesus!)

I may make exceptions to the age rule. As of late, I've been smitten by a certain lady from overseas, and she is in her 40's, but I do believe she has some childbearing years in her still.

So, this is an offer to women everywhere, that your dream husband is here. I am a very Godly man who will correct you in every way. I am also quite rich because of the Lord's blessings and will take care of you and buy you anything you desire.

Rev. Jim is single and ready to mingle!

[Mrs. Rogers]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Now the doctor says it's my fault since I am 69 years old and creating bad sperm, but we know this is not the case. Why would God curse such a holy and perfect man as I?

Your doctor is indeed talking rubbish, as male seed is like fine wine: it only gets better as one gets older. Of course, your future wife ought not treat your seed as if wine-tasting, as that would be murder.

[Sister Charli]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Oh Reverend Jim,

I wish you well in your quest to find a loving wife.

Virgin women over 40 do certainly have years of childbearing ahead of them. And I am sure they would be much more appreciative of a good True Christian (tm) man such as yourself.

May God guide you to the next Mrs Osbourne.

[Sister Pamela Thompson]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Rev. Jim, I can not begin to fathom the pain and agony you are experiencing right now, having to divorce your wife. I pray that God gives you the strength to get through this.

You are such a Godly man and deserve an equally Godly wife who will submit herself to you according to God's will and help you spread the Word of God to all the heathen sinners in America! They must be purged out of God's favorite country!

I wish the Lord's blessings on you in your endeavor! I will keep my eyes open for you and steer any and all suitable young ladies in your direction.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Rev. Osborne, I am greatly saddened to hear of your impending divorce. I know that hag was just a money and spotlight grubbing whore. How she was always trying to weasel her way into pictures of you within your loyal followers.
As always, let me know what dates she was claiming you were with other women, no doubt it will be =days you and I were planning the logistics of one of your mobile outreach programs and I will therefore be able to provide you with an unimpeachable alibi.
Now, if you think there is a ember of the True Love(tm) that you two once had still glimmering, I'd like to offer a few days R&R at the Hutchins Plantation. Brother Dewitt and his ex-wife came, unfortunately Mrs. Dewitt went for a midnight stroll in the woods and disappeared. Not sure what happened. A bear, gator or possibly she fell down an abandoned well. All we ever found were her Prada shoes and purse (thank goodness as Brother Dewitt's car keys were in it!)

[Warner S. Davidson]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Reverend Osborne -
That is terrible news. I strongly empathise with you as I have just separated from my wife who toward the end of our relationship was only interested in group sex with her supermodel and porn star actress friends.

A couple of times I was savagely gang raped by 4 women (including my ex-wife) for hours on end I felt dirty, used and violated as a result and hence my like goal to now be a True Christian(tm)

(Reverend -I wish I knew of you then as you may have been able to intervene with the help of Jesus)

With all this and my pending divorce has been a traumatic time so I understand that you must be devastated

I won't dare recommend any of my ex wife's slutty bi-sexual friends as they little more that nymphomaniac whores that channel Satan. But I will keep an eye out for a suitable Christian lass.

[Brother Harold Porter]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

God bless you Reverend Jim!

May He fill you completely and comfort you in this difficult time!

I'm so sorry for the grief this wicked philandering slut has caused you. She has no idea what she is giving up in the most Godly example of a Christian man I have ever met. Probably a defective woman to begin with if your righteous and potent seed has not produced a son in her vile body. Probably for the best though.

Not to worry about the alimony. In a few weeks, the filthy harlot will be shacked up with bikers in a Las Vegas motel room, severly addicted to methamphetamine and crack cocaine, performing the most wicked acts of depravity imagineable with hundreds of partners. Her character flaws will lead to her demise and the alimony issue will be non-existent soon!
It's a problem that will solve itself. Praise Jesus!

But on the bright side, the timing could not be better! My cousin Emily Beth recently left her husband in Little Rock due to his philandering ways, his continual unemployment and inability to provide for the brood of 8 children she gave him. She tolerated a failure of a man and a single wide mobile as long as she could. When he sodomized her own sister, she had enough and filed for divorce.

As you can she, her face radiates righteousness (to the extent that a woman can be righteous)and a solid walk with Jesus! She has, over the years, had issues with self-esteem, but none of us know why. Praise Jesus, after some counseling, she now walks with a confident stride and is as happy as can be in her womanhood and charm.

I wouldn't trust just any Christian with my dear cousin, but there is no man of the cloth more trustworthy than you. Say the word, and we will arrange her travel to meet you. She is so excited, her bags are already packed! The eight children will be with her brother until after the wedding, but they too cannot wait to meet their new Daddy!

Reverend Jim, this lady will give you all you could ever want! At 32, another 8 children is no problem. She knows her place in the Christian home, loves to quote from Judges and desperately needs a man to share her walk with Christ! She treasures private time snuggling and is very affectionate!

May Christ be with you both!

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Oh my Reverend Jim!

I do remember you saying something of a separation during an intercourse we had, but I didn't realize the situation had come to this!

I am so sorry to hear of your pending divorce, but cannot say that I am not also in one light happy for you. You intimately know of my feelings toward that harpie and the only reason I personally could tolerate her was because of her fine rack.

It cooled pies evenly..perhaps something to do with the teflon base..

oh sorry, I digress....


As you are flying over quite soon and during this quite hard time, I do think it is best if you are not alone. Please feel free to lean on me whilst you are here; my bosom is yours to rest upon.

As to the type of lady you are seeking out now. Could you perhaps be more specific as to exactly what you want in this new help meet as I may know someone who could possibly fit that bill for you.

YIC,

Mrs.P.Wintersnow

[Sister Charli]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Dearest Reverend Osborne,

Since reading your first post on this thread I have been much distressed as to why Jennifer would bve so cruel towards you a True Christian ™ man of the Lord.

I spent many hours this morning locked in my prayer closet asking God how a woman could treat her husband so appallingly and God spoke to me telling me of the evils of jealously.

Reverend Osborne, I am left believing that Jennifer was jealous of the success of your "Ladies of the Lord" program. This is further confirmed by Brother James comments about her wanting to weasel into photo opportunities.

The Lord also spoke to me about jealousy and how it should be punished. It would appear that Brother James unselfish offer of a weekend at his homestead may be the venue to discipline Jennifer as per God's word.

After she has willingly repented and God dispels all jealous thoughts from her body God may bless her with a child.

Now, if you think there is a ember of the True Love™ that you two once had still glimmering, I'd like to offer a few days R&R at the Hutchins Plantation. Brother Dewitt and his ex-wife came, unfortunately Mrs. Dewitt went for a midnight stroll in the woods and disappeared. Not sure what happened. A bear, gator or possibly she fell down an abandoned well. All we ever found were her Prada shoes and purse (thank goodness as Brother Dewitt's car keys were in it!)

Numbers 5:16-25 (King James Version)
16 And the priest shall bring her near, and set her before the LORD:
17 And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water:
18 And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD, and uncover the woman's head, and put the offering of memorial in her hands, which is the jealousy offering: and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse:
19 And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse:
20 But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband:
21 Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell;
22 And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen.
23 And the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall blot them out with the bitter water:
24 And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse: and the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter.
25 Then the priest shall take the jealousy offering out of the woman's hand, and shall wave the offering before the LORD, and offer it upon the altar:

[Levi Jones]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Wow, it seems like just yesterday I was answering your wife phone hotline while you were ministering to the unsaved.

I'll never forget that time I had to pick her up from PHX and drive around for two hours while you were giving a particularly important sermon to a group of young people.

I can't believe she would cheat on you after all you did to keep her entertained and informed to by the staff.

[HTannor]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

Rev. Jim: Truly devastating news. So sad.

You clearly need consoling and I believe you should accept Mrs. P Wintersnow's offer as soon as possible.

When I read her offer to you, I performed a search on the internets and found many references stating her pie is the tastiest one around.

[Father Maurice Lester]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

You've been married five times?

No wonder your face has rice marks all over it.

Seriously now James... perhaps it is time for you to reconsider this next attempt at matrimony... which will likely end up as matrimoney given your dubious choices in, theoretically speaking, life partners.


Perhaps our Lord and Heavenly Father is sending you a message here that what little time you have left on this planet is better served in His name.

We Catholics have proven conclusively that a man of Christ does not need to be married to enjoy a full and rich life as servant of the Lord and shepherd of His flock. True, we keep a number of young nuns in training around to ensure that suitable female tasks are handled adroitly but given your outreach programme could you not so the same? Many of the women who take their vows are also tainted with the kind of degenerate sin that defines your brood so you can see why I think there is a great fit for you in this choice.

Try it for one year and tell me that your full attention to your ministry isn't more satisfying than yet another marriage doomed to falter on the rocks female infidelity.




Bless you, my geriatric gaberlunzie,
Father Mo




.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

We Catholics have proven conclusively that a man of Christ does not need to be married to enjoy a full and rich life as servant of the Lord and shepherd of His flock. True, we keep a number of young nuns in training around to ensure that suitable female tasks are handled adroitly but given your outreach programme could you not so the same? Many of the women who take their vows are also tainted with the kind of degenerate sin that defines your brood so you can see why I think there is a great fit for you in this choice.

Try it for one year and tell me that your full attention to your ministry isn't more satisfying than yet another marriage doomed to falter on the rocks female infidelity..

I don't believe Reverend Jim is interested in a "full and rich life" of buggering altar boys.

[Sister Pamela Thompson]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

We Catholics have proven conclusively that a man of Christ does not need to be married to enjoy a full and rich life as servant of the Lord and shepherd of His flock.

I think Catholics skip over verses in the Bible like

I Timothy 3:2 "A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;"

Titus 1:6-7 " If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly. For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not selfwilled, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre;"

It is obvious here that God wishes for all preachers, pastors, deacons, evangelists, etc., to have a wife. After all, the wife is given to the man as a helper (Genesis 2:18 "And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."). Any man who works in full time ministry can attest to their profession being of the highest demand, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They are in greater need of a helper than any other man.

Not to say that men who are not in full time ministry don't need a wife, because (Proverbs 18:22 "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD."), but if any one is in dire need of a helper, it is men in ministry.

I can't understand how catholics go about their whole lives without a woman helper to make pies and iron their socks and rub their feet when they get home from work.

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Well...the SIXTH time is the charm!

.

I can't understand how catholics go about their whole lives without a woman helper to make pies and iron their socks and rub their feet when they get home from work.

Sister TTP,

As all cathlicks are dago's or messicans, they much prefer a sausage (like that chorizo stuff) or salami or even a burrito...shop bought no less! over good piece of warm pie ..prefer their socks rolled and would rather have their ring kissed, than their feet rubbed.

YIC,

Mrs.P.Wintersnow.