Edd's Letters

[Jo Freddie]

First Letter From Edd to the Forum Members

1 One day a man entered a strip joint and sat at a back table.
2 Verily, he did order his minimum of drinks, which numbered two.
3 He sat, expressionless, staring at the strippers, without tipping, without beckoning them over.
4 And, yea, did the strippers avoid him and call him 'creepy.'

5 All night, the creepy patron did sit and stare.
6 The strippers whispered amongst themselves about the body parts he most likely concealeth in a freezer.

7 But, lo, one stripper did become intoxicated and became much too physical with all the customers.
8 Her coworkers did liken her unto a prostitute and were embarrassed on her behalf.
9 She danced provocatively, yet clumsily, eliciting not tips but pity.

10 Behold, On this day I issue a challenge to unrepentant lurkers:
11 Be not like the creepy patron, staring without participating.
12 Lurk until you have become familiar with these forums, then participate.
13 But do not become like the drunken stripper; remember to post with civility, consideration of others, and make a sincere attempt to verify your contribution is intelligible and interesting and not repetitive.

14 Respect the seriousness of the serious threads and the silliness of the humorous threads, for is not The Flying Spaghetti Monster composed of many noodly appendages, each as omniscient and omnipotent as the next?
15 So it is with the forums.

16 May The FSM guide your hands over your keyboard while protecting it from beverages.

RAmen

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Edd's Letters

First Letter From Edd to the Forum Members

1 One day a man entered a strip joint and sat at a back table.
2 Verily, he did order his minimum of drinks, which numbered two.
3 He sat, expressionless, staring at the strippers, without tipping, without beckoning them over.
4 And, yea, did the strippers avoid him and call him 'creepy.'

5 All night, the creepy patron did sit and stare.
6 The strippers whispered amongst themselves about the body parts he most likely concealeth in a freezer.

7 But, lo, one stripper did become intoxicated and became much too physical with all the customers.
8 Her coworkers did liken her unto a prostitute and were embarrassed on her behalf.
9 She danced provocatively, yet clumsily, eliciting not tips but pity.

10 Behold, On this day I issue a challenge to unrepentant lurkers:
11 Be not like the creepy patron, staring without participating.
12 Lurk until you have become familiar with these forums, then participate.
13 But do not become like the drunken stripper; remember to post with civility, consideration of others, and make a sincere attempt to verify your contribution is intelligible and interesting and not repetitive.

14 Respect the seriousness of the serious threads and the silliness of the humorous threads, for is not The Flying Spaghetti Monster composed of many noodly appendages, each as omniscient and omnipotent as the next?
15 So it is with the forums.

16 May The FSM guide your hands over your keyboard while protecting it from beverages.

RAmen

Pasta Boy,
You forgot to take your medication,again. You know how you get when you miss a dose.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Edd's Letters

There are too many drunken prostitutes in here at times, and I find myself becoming almost as repetitive when I try to show them how wrong they are.

Now if you would all kindly take the time to read the TRUE word of God, details of which you can find below, we might have fewer drunken prostitutes.

RAmen

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Edd's Letters

There are too many drunken prostitutes in here at times, and I find myself...try[ing] to show them how wrong they are.

Well, I admire this about you, at least.

I think we are having a good effect on you, Little One.

Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God™ not be blasphemed.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Edd's Letters

Well, I admire this about you, at least.

I think we are having a good effect on you, Little One.

Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God™ not be blasphemed.

Dream on, and the quote from KJV shows you have missed the point my dear.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Edd's Letters

Dream on, and the quote from KJV shows you have missed the point my dear.

I just figured out a new signature quote for you my al dente friend'


''Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life boy'' Dean Wormer. Animal House, the Movie.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Edd's Letters

Second Letter From Edd to the Forum Members

1 One day an elderly couple gathered their four children, two sons and two daughters, together for a serious discussion.
2 When all were present they asked, 'What are your views regarding the afterlife, religion, or spirituality in general?'

3 Now, it was known that the couple was in the process of drawing up their Last Will and Testament.
4 Over the years, their wealth had grown to an envious amount.
5 The children felt that their inheritance might be influenced by their responses.

6 But they were strong, independent thinkers and they all knew that their parents respected honesty, so each child resolved to speak the truth, no matter what the consequences.

7 The eldest son spoke up first: 'Mother, Father, I have never hidden my feelings on this matter; I proudly consider myself an atheist.
8 All observable evidence supports the idea of a universe capable of running itself without the benefit of a guiding or creative hand.
9 And every god that I have ever heard of seems more likely to be wishful thinking, fable, or myth.
10 When supportable evidence is presented that indicates otherwise, I will reconsider my position, but until then, I will look to science to answer all my questions and solve all my problems.'

11 The oldest daughter responded next: 'I respect my brother's opinion but I cannot commit to such an inflexible attitude.
12 I agree that no evidence can be shown to prove a god's existence but no evidence can be shown proving a god's non-existence, either.
13 Without proof, reasonable doubt must prevail.
14 The world is full of many wondrous things in an arguably infinite amount of space; to say with conviction that something cannot exist is indicative of hubris.'

15 Without responding, the parents looked to the next son.
16 'I have not been shy in regard to my faith, either,' he laughed.
17 'Anyone who would like to hear how I decided that the path I have chosen is the true path to enlightenment I will gladly regale.
18 Come to me with an open mind and the truth shall reveal itself to you.
19 Worry not about insulting me, my conviction is based upon a power higher than anything of this world.'

20 All eyes turned to the youngest daughter.
21 She sighed, took a deep breath and drew herself up, as if expecting an attack.
22 'Mother and Father, I love you very much, but you ask a question I find difficult to answer.
23 My beliefs are of a personal and private nature; so much so that it is painful to bring myself to express them, even to you.
24 I beg you, judge me by my actions, not my motives.
25 Do I not endeavour to help others and not harm them?
26 Am I not compassionate?
27 Have you found me to be cruel in any way?
28 What difference does it make what thoughts lie in my mind if my behaviour is commendable?
29 Any views I have should be considered as valid as the others, no matter what they are.
30 Leave me out of your will if you must, but that is my final response.'

31 The parents exchanged a shocked look.
32 'Leave you out of our will?!' they exclaimed.
33 'We were merely curious!
34 Our will is already complete.
35 You will all get an equal share of the estate, regardless of your views.
36 We love you all equally.
37 Silly children, we only want you to feel comfortable discussing any and all topics with us.'

38 Verily the elderly couple had much of the FSM within them, for they understood that each of their children felt strongly concerning their respective viewpoints and not one was deserving of punishment or disregard.
39 When the sad day arrived and each heir received their one fifth share of their parents' estate, they felt proud to carry on the legacy of tolerance and respect.

40 (And yes, the four children each received one fifth of the inheritance; the remaining portion was split amongst the household pets.
41 Unfortunately, the parents shared another trait of the FSM and were frequently intoxicated.)

42 May you identify more with the parents of this parable than one of the children (except for the 'frequently intoxicated' part).

RAmen

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Edd's Letters

Who the hell is Edd?

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Edd's Letters

I don't like Edd.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Edd's Letters

First Letter From Edd to the Slackers

1 One day, the Great Pirate Solomon summoned his two sons and set them a challenge.

2 'I require 10, 000 cubits of pasta, brought from the farthest, most inaccessible port in China.
3 Whosoever provideth the pasta first will be rewarded with one of my finest asses.'

4 Now, the Pirate Solomon was heralded far and wide as a breeder of amazing pack animals.
5 Each of his donkeys was worth its weight in gold and could carry enough dry pasta to feed an army.
6 It was rumoured that twin donkeys had been born recently, however, that could carry ten times the weight of the next strongest animal and were so intelligent that training them took little effort.

7 The two brothers rushed to the shipyard to set sail.

8 The first son did a quick inspection of his ship and set forth almost immediately even though he had several leaks calling for attention.
9 'I dare not spend time and money on repairs,' thought the pirate prince.
10 'A quick coating of pitch will do the job.'

11 He launched with a raggedy crew comprised of as many loiterers from the docks as he could bribe with a promise of easy money and began to take on water almost instantly.
12 He and his men bailed to no avail and had to return after only a few hours.

13 Meanwhile, the other son was patching up his ship with superior materials while he waited for the men he had invited along on his expedition.
14 When the eldest returned he was gladdened to see that his brother had not yet put out to sea.
15 Reluctantly and hurriedly he managed to get his ship in adequate shape for his voyage pausing only to shanghai more men to man the oars just as his brother unfurled his sails.

16 The bandit brothers sailed for weeks; first one would be in the lead, then the other.
17 The eldest had rowers to supplement the wind, but many had to be put to work bailing water and mending the leaks that continued to appear due to his rushed and shoddy work.
18 And his sails were in pitiful shape compared to the younger brother's.
19 In the end, the bedraggled boat pulled into the Chinese harbor only half a day ahead of the other.

20 With as much haste as he could manage, the eldest pirate acquired the necessary pasta.
21 He stole what he could but was forced to sell some of his men into slavery to purchase the rest (there had been talk of mutiny, in any case).
22 Tired, hungry, and running from Chinese guards, the eldest set out on his return trip just as his brother's boat appeared over the horizon.
23 He laughed to himself and tried to cheer up his crew: 'Before long, men, I shall posses one of my father's greatest treasures and you will be rewarded handsomely!'

24 While the first ship creeped its way homeward despite the best efforts of the first mate to drive the rowers to superhuman lengths, the second son docked and began negotiations with the Chinese Keepers of the Pasta.

25 Many days later, a messenger ran up to the Great Pirate Solomon crying, 'My lord, your son has returned!'

26 'Escort him here so that I may reward him.'

27 'And your other son, sire?
28 His ship has been spotted also.'

29 'Ah. Bring them both before me and my two prize animals, as well.'

30 And so it was that both sons of the infamous pirate Solomon were presented to their father; one dirty, unkempt, and wild-eyed, the other, calm, confident, and standing tall.
31 'Have you both brought the consecrated carbohydrates?' asked their father.
32 The sons stood aside so that he might view the mounds of spaghetti, tortellini, fettuccine, fusilli, and ziti that had been piled behind them.

33 The stacks of foodstuffs were as different as the brothers.
34 One was clean, neat, and easily over 10,000 cubits with such an aroma many in the room would have sworn it was fresh even knowing that it had been brought from China.
35 The other was rotting, full of insects, and much less.
36 'Who was the first to arrive?' asked the Great Pirate Solomon, giving a disgusted look as a rat ran out of the smaller pile.

37 'I was, father!' cried the eldest.
38 'And I am here to claim my prize of your greatest donkey, as you promised.'

39 'With that?'
40 He gestured toward the putrid pile of pasta.
41 'Record-keeper, how many cubits is it?'

42 'Five thousand, my lord,' the scribe replied, reading the measurements scrawled in his notes.

43 'And my other son's offering?'

44 'Twelve thousand cubits.'

45 'I have decided,' boomed the brigand.
46 'You, my eldest son, have not fulfilled the requirements I set before you, so the animal goes to your brother.'

47 'Do I get nothing for my efforts?!' whined the loser as he watched his sibling lead the great beast out of the chamber and the servants packed away the pasta.
48 'I spent time, money, and effort at great personal risk to bring this back!'

49 Visibly angry, his father stood up and proclaimed, 'You believe you deserve recompense?!
50 Very well.
51 Since you have done a half-ass job, you will receive half an ass!'

52 The Great Pirate Solomon grabbed his ceremonial scimitar and struck his remaining donkey, cleaving it in two.

53 'Now get your ass out of here!
54 And someone clean up all this blood and guts, it's grossing me out.'

55 So, remember this story when you are tempted to cut corners in your work, be it personal, occupational, or otherwise.
56 Taking pride in your endeavours makes a world of difference and is well worth the effort.

RAmen

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Edd's Letters

tl;dr

That FSM of yours, wordy bastard isn't he? He just drones on and on and, if I may say so, he comes across as a bit preachy.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Edd's Letters

That FSM of yours, wordy bastard isn't he? He just drones on and on and, if I may say so, he comes across as a bit preachy.

Did it touch a nerve, do you have a nagging guilt about a half-ass job you have done at some point?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Edd's Letters

All my 'jobs' as you put it, are done in The Name of The Lord and as such reap great reward for me in Heaven (as it is written)

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Edd's Letters

All my 'jobs' as you put it, are done in The Name of The Lord and as such reap great reward for me in Heaven (as it is written)

Mmmm I sense a person trying to convince themselves of something...

So that nagging guilt you feel for doing a half-ass job at some point makes you worry that you might miss out on Heaven and end up in the mythical Hell that your book of fairy tales is so keen of?

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Edd's Letters

First Letter From Edd to the Partiers

1 On the day designated for celebration by the FSM, which is today, three wenches held parties for their respective friends and family.

2 The first wench obsessed over every guest's likes and dislikes, desperately trying to ensure that everyone had the most magnificent time possible.
3 She spent more money than she could afford and was in a constant state of panic over how the party might go.
4 Her significant other was forced to the local pub to seek the relative peace and quiet of the afternoon brawl.
5 On the night of the first wench's party, nothing went as planned.
6 The non-vegetarians ate all the meatless hors' d'oeuvres before the vegetarians even arrived.
7 The band refused to play the medley of songs she requested and ended up getting drunk and hitting on her teenage nieces.
8 She tried to compensate for the seeming lack of conversation between her guests by flitting from group to group pointing out their mutual hobbies and acquaintances, but inevitably ended up interrupting at least a few interesting discussions.
9 In the end, everyone left well before midnight, which is the sure sign of an unsuccessful party.
10 The first wench spent the rest of the night cleaning up, wondering what she might have done differently.

11 The second wench only worried about one person – her mother-in-law.
12 The décor was done in the style of her youth, the food was all of her favourites, and there was no loud music since she had „delicate sensibilities.'
13 The hag, I mean mother-in-law, arrived early and left early, seemingly in good spirits, and the rest of the guests ordered pizza and brought out a radio to make the best of the rest of the night.

14 The next day, the second wench felt bad that her friends had been forced to entertain themselves but was satisfied that at least she had impressed the one she had set out to.
15 Then, she spoke to her sister-in-law.

16 It seems that the old woman had immediately began criticizing everything the wench had done the moment she had walked out of her house.
17 She complained about the food, the neighbours, the class of friends invited, the furniture, and the hostess' outfit.
18 The second wench broke into tears, despairing of ever pleasing the woman.

19 The third wench threw a party based on a theme she and her pirate decided upon.
20 Invitations went out to all she wanted to attend and none to those she did not.
21 She was considerate of known food allergies, but otherwise did not cater to any particular taste other than her own.
22 Music was a selection of their favourites from their personal collection with the local kids' garage band allowed to jam for an hour.
23 The good grog ran out early, but they made do with what could be obtained from the neighbour's still.
24 When her uncle got drunk and tried to start a fight with her boss, she sent him to the guest bedroom to sleep and laughed about it with her employer.

25 As the third wench and her pirate said good-bye to the last guest, with the sun's rays peaking over the horizon, she was content, knowing that the majority of her friends and family had had a good time, but more importantly, she and her pirate had enjoyed themselves the most.

26 To thine own self be true because even the best laid plans go awry.
27 It is not possible to please everyone, all the time, so do not forget to include your own desires in your plans.

28 Party on, dude

RAmen