Your foreskin may be your best friend!

[Faith_Machine]

Fellow Promise Enforcers, I'm starting this thread because a fine young man calling himself The Anti-Sinner recently posted a proper introduction in the introduction forum (and we all know how rare that is), and he happened to mention that he has an uncircumcised penis, or as I like to say, a "sand worm."




I have some advice for him, but I don't want to discuss such a mature subject out there in the introduction forum where women and children might see it.

Please stay tuned...

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Still with us, Anti-Sinner? Splendid!

Now then, the Bible clearly states that God wants you to get your foreskin chopped off:

Genesis 17:14

14And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

Sure, sure, you will sometimes encounter "Christians" who will tell you that's just some out-dated Old Testament law that was made null and void by Jesus, and that we only need to follow the rules delineated for us in the New Testament.

Do not listen to them. They are either lying to you or they are very stupid.

We here at Landover understand that the whole Bible is God's truth; we read it cover to cover, and we know that every word, comma, space and full stop contained therein is the inerrant word of Almighty God, the author of all existence, who really, really, really wants to see you get that flesh cut away from the tip of your penis.

Having said that, there are times when God has very special uses for guys with "elephant trunks" in their trousers:

Romans 4:11

And he received the sign of circumcision, a seal of the righteousness of the faith which he had yet being uncircumcised: that he might be the father of all them that believe, though they be not circumcised; that righteousness might be imputed unto them also:

I feel that you are on the right track, son, and that you surely will get circumcised very soon! But in the mean time, let's take a moment to examine the ways in which that piece of flesh temporarily residing on the end of your Johnson might be made to serve the Lord:

First of all, it keeps the glans of your penis covered up, thus preventing you from accidentally experiencing sexual pleasure as it rubs against the fabric on the inside of your pants.

This point can not be emphasized enough. You may not realize this, but there are a lot of circumcised men in this world who are essentially committing acts of self-adultery and self-sodomy every single time they go for a stroll!

Why do you think silk pants are so popular with certain people?

Secondly, your foreskin is God's friend because when you have one, the consequences of bad hygiene are multiplied greatly. The average circumcised fellow can get away with almost never washing his penis, and he probably won't suffer any ill effect; he will be blissfully unaware of the fact that God is disgusted with his lack of personal cleanliness.

You see, friend, God is very, very concerned with your personal hygiene. So much so that he even gave you very explicit, detailed instructions for going to the bathroom:

Deuteronomy 23:12-13

12Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad:

13And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:

God HATES a dirty penis, and your foreskin is therefore a blessing, because you know darned well that if you go for a couple of days without washing that thing, it will stink to high heaven and you'll surely wind up with a yeast infection.

There's nothing like the immediate, direct consequence of disease and stink to get a man to do the right thing and wash his penis!



And now, friend, we come to the third, and most important reason your foreskin is your friend:

That thing is filled with nerve endings. And you're obviously quite worried about how much it's going to HURT when that doctor takes his KNIFE and SLICES that thing off.

This, my friend, is the cup which God has placed to your lips.

This is your chance to show yourself that you love God more than you fear EXCRUCIATING physical pain and GENITAL MUTILATION!

This is a threshold moment, my friend.

I envy you.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Say, if it's not too much trouble, would one of the pastors here, or somebody with admin privileges, be kind enough to remove the word "best" from this thread's title?

Or maybe change it to read, "Your foreskin may be your second best friend?"


After all, every man's number one best friend is Jesus!

[María Gálvez-Villalobos]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Say, if it's not too much trouble, would one of the pastors here, or somebody with admin privileges, be kind enough to remove the word "best" from this thread's title?

Or maybe change it to read, "Your foreskin may be your second best friend?"


After all, every man's number one best friend is Jesus!

Ummm, I will be honest...I'm no so actual sure what is foreskin...is like after threeskin, or before fiveskin? How many eskins must have a Christian? Sorry for my ingorance but you all know I'm no so un-innocent.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Ummm, I will be honest...I'm no so actual sure what is foreskin...is like after threeskin, or before fiveskin? How many eskins must have a Christian? Sorry for my ingorance but you all know I'm no so un-innocent.

María, where have you been? It's so nice to see you!

This is the men only forum though, and the question you've asked is of a very delicate nature, and best answered discretely and in private.

Do you have a Web cam?

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Ummm, I will be honest...I'm no so actual sure what is foreskin...is like after threeskin, or before fiveskin? How many eskins must have a Christian? Sorry for my ingorance but you all know I'm no so un-innocent.

Once again we see this dago harlot peeking into areas she shouldn't. Now her curiosity is leading her to investigate man parts in forbidden areas.

What passes for parenting in Spain? I mean I know they have an unholy fascination for bulls and swinging incense but is there nobody to save this wench from herself!

Maria, your innocence is setting you up for some sort of sexual predator to take advantage of you. It's a good job Faith Machine here is trying to take you in hand.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

I really do hope and pray that I will be able to get my financial situation straightened out and grow in the Lord to the point where it would be reasonable for me to ask Mari to marry me and bring her family over here from Spain.

I feel I should wait until I have a good, solid year of abstinence from masturbation under my belt. Been abstaining for close to a year now, but I still have a few months to go.

[The Anti-Sinner]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Thank you for starting this thread for me Faith_Machine! I truly feel blessed.

Sure, sure, you will sometimes encounter "Christians" who will tell you that's just some out-dated Old Testament law that was made null and void by Jesus, and that we only need to follow the rules delineated for us in the New Testament.

It's funny that you say that, I was speaking to a Christian friend of mine over the phone a few hours ago (when this thread was made that is, I was too busy to reply sooner) and that is what she said. She is one of those overly-sensitive Christians that finds every reason to dismiss the Old Testament. Although that didn't stop her from snickering at me for wanting to get circumcised for the Lord, since it was so clear to her that the New Testament trumps the Old Testament. I found her insensitivity in the matter quite offensive.

This is your chance to show yourself that you love God more than you fear EXCRUCIATING physical pain and GENITAL MUTILATION!

This is a threshold moment, my friend.

I envy you.

You bring up many great points. I feel that this is definitely the BEST way to use my foreskin to please the Lord! The very thought of the procedure is scary, but I should see that as a bonus! The Lord puts us through many trials in life to give us an opportunity to prove our faith and devotion to him. The harder the trials are, the more you can prove yourself to him. Some of us are fortunate enough to be exposed to very difficult trials, like when God tested Abraham by asking him to kill his son.

Genesis 22:10-13

10And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

11And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

12And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

13And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

I am really starting to feel a lot better about this whole situation.

[Dan U. Holier]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Ummm, I will be honest...I'm no so actual sure what is foreskin...is like after threeskin, or before fiveskin? How many eskins must have a Christian? Sorry for my ingorance but you all know I'm no so un-innocent.

Mari, I’m glad you know nothing about… um, any number of such kinds of skin. Nor you should ever know; this is not a discussion for Christian ladies - especially not for young ones. All you need to know about this matter is to close your eyes and pray to God for male offspring when your time comes.

YiC, DUH

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

By the way, I say "dago harlot" in a loving and instructive way.

[Bob4God]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

If having pieces of His genitalia cut off as an infant was good enough for our LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, it's good enough for us.

Uncircumcised men are uppity hatemongers who think they're better than JESUS because they've retained the intelligently designed anatomy He gave us to modify.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Anti-Sinner, I'm so glad you're still with us and getting so much out of this thread!

I'm a little concerned, though, about your relationship with this girl:

Although that didn't stop her from snickering at me for wanting to get circumcised for the Lord...

I'm sure this will come as an unwelcome shock to you, but it's been my experience that women like her will frequently get a man on the phone and use any ploy they can think of to get him to describe his private parts. Why? Because they are secretly masturbating, and trying to trick you into giving them phone sex!

I'll bet this girl also thinks it's OK for women to speak in church.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

Listen to Faith Machine. His expertise on masturbation and how to cure yourself of it or to avoid frottage with others is second only to Pastor Ezekiel, in my experience.

[The Anti-Sinner]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

This is terrible news! I am going to have to do some serious investigation as to her intentions with my male parts. The last thing I need is some lusting harlot getting her ungodly jollies off at the expense of my dignity! Some thoughts should be illegal to have, especially if they're violating you! For all I know she has taken non-consenting naked pictures of me with her perverted mind!

Our bodies are temples of the Holy Ghost! And I will not allow mine to be made unclean, even by her unholy thoughts! I doubt the Holy Ghost would appreciate her fantasizing about desecrating it with her pornography!

1 Corinthians 6:18-20

18Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

19What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

20For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Your foreskin may be your best friend!

I am going to have to do some serious investigation

That's right! Since we don't know for sure what she's up to, I think we need for some Landover pastors to weigh in on this so we can benefit from their expertise.

For now, it's best that you don't let her know you're on to her. Simply connect a call recorder to your telephone and record every one of these "hot-and-heavy" conversations she has with you.

Then upload those conversations so our pastors can closely scrutinize them and render an expert opinion!