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  • Rev. M. Rodimer
    Honorary True Christian™
    Forum Member
    • May 2008
    • 13996

    #1

    2012 Witch Hunt!

    After the raging successes of RibFest, SausageFest, and CornCon this year, I'm filled with anticipation for the best Witch Hunt ever!

    I just wish it weren't six whole weeks away . . . But then again, my congregation gets a bit testy with me away so much at these "conferences".

    I've noticed that, with the rise of "nones" in American society (those who reject all religions, not just Jesus), we are seeing a decline in self-proclaimed "witches". So, it's my recommendation that we expand the definition of "witch" for purposes of the hunt to include:
    • Witches (such as Wiccans and pagans): They're witches by definition
    • Mediums/Psychics/Tarot Readers: Talking to the dead is necromancy
    • My Chemical Romance fans/Emos: Satan-loving freaks
    • Theosophists: Because "Blavatsky" sounds blasphemous
    • Homeopathists: They believe that water has memories and that ritual counting makes healing power
    • Chiropractors: They believe that "life force" needs to be adjusted
    • Acupuncturists: See Chiropractors
    Are there any other classes of "people" that should be captured for the 2012 Witch Hunt?

    Bobby-Joe, please send me three Witch Transport Crates. I've readied the dungeon and am about to begin luring witches with My Chemical Romance music and tranquilizer-laced Twinkies.
    Bible boring? Nonsense!
    Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
    You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
  • Bjorn Jensen
    True Christian™
    True Christian™
    • Apr 2012
    • 2355

    #2
    Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

    You can add illusionists, cause you never know if they are practising real witchcraft or not, in any case it can be considered as attempted witchcraft.

    Comment

    • Whip of Japheth
      Forum Member
      Forum Member
      • Jul 2009
      • 161

      #3
      Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

      This year I have found too 'nests', there will be a good hunt!

      Whosoever he be that doth rebel against thy commandment, and will not hearken unto thy words in all that thou commandest him, he shall be put to death: only be strong and of a good courage.
      Joshua 1:18

      Comment

      • Pastor Ezekiel
        Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
         
        • Sep 2006
        • 78552

        #4
        Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

        My new witch gattling gun just came in. I can't wait to try it out!
        Who Will Jesus Damn?

        Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

        Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

        Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

        Comment

        • Deaner
          Christ's Love Messenger
          True Christian™
          • Sep 2006
          • 5932

          #5
          Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

          I ain't gonna do nothing fancy this year. I'm just gonna chain a couple of Wiccans to the back of the truck, fill the back of the truck up with some of the boys... and heave beer bottles at 'em as we drive around town.

          Comment

          • Rev. M. Rodimer
            Honorary True Christian™
            Forum Member
            • May 2008
            • 13996

            #6
            Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

            Originally posted by Deaner View Post
            I ain't gonna do nothing fancy this year. I'm just gonna chain a couple of Wiccans to the back of the truck, fill the back of the truck up with some of the boys... and heave beer bottles at 'em as we drive around town.
            That won't net ya the most witches, Brother!

            Of course, Zeke somehow always wins. There are certain rumors going around . . .
            Bible boring? Nonsense!
            Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
            You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

            Comment

            • Pastor Ezekiel
              Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
               
              • Sep 2006
              • 78552

              #7
              Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

              Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
              My new witch gattling gun just came in. I can't wait to try it out!
              The one I ordered is based on this model, but mine is customized of course.





              ...it turns out we didn't need a new roof on the south wing of the Landover Baptist Cathedral after all.
              Who Will Jesus Damn?

              Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

              Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

              Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

              Comment

              • Rev. M. Rodimer
                Honorary True Christian™
                Forum Member
                • May 2008
                • 13996

                #8
                Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

                I have found the most wonderful resource!

                Twice a month, the "Pyramid of Enlightenment" holds a "psychic fair" in Indianapolis.

                Better yet:

                Our psychics will be traveling Indianapolis to new locations to better entertain you. Come visit us at any of these locations. Or send us an email at pyramidceo@aol.com requesting your favorite location and we will try to come to you.
                An enterprising individual or group could rent a hall in Indianapolis, and offer to host a "psychic fair". Those people would then be able to capture entice . . . well, Lord knows how many witches, necromancers, and the like, to bring to Freehold for the Witch Hunt!

                Me? I'm far too busy with my congregation to pull something like that off. Besides, I wouldn't want to be connected to any missing necromancers.

                I understand they are pretty hardcore about revenge. Most of them are gypsies, you know.

                Speaking of which, has Freehold set up its "Free Gypsy Campground" signs yet? Gypsies are pretty much all witches.
                Bible boring? Nonsense!
                Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                Comment

                • Levi Jones
                  Pastor of Hermeneutics and Apologetics
                  Bathed in Christ's Precious Blood
                  Apostle to the Cactuses, Tumbleweeds and Jackrabbits
                   
                  • Jul 2009
                  • 13930

                  #9
                  Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

                  I know where a coven of them meet weekly. I just know I'll finally win this year.
                  Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.

                  Comment

                  • LBC loving Dutchmen
                    Forum Member
                    Forum Member
                    • Oct 2011
                    • 216

                    #10
                    Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

                    Is it ok for me to arrange myself a witch hunt? I'm afraid I won't be able to attend the one in the Godly USA. And it is full with witches here, so if I can decrease the number, that would be great. I'm asking for approval, since I am not a True Christian.

                    Since this will be my first witch hunt, is there a manual or general guidelines? It might be that I have to make some alteration due to different government laws, with we have to follow.
                    II Kings 2:23-24: 23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

                    Comment

                    • Liam the ex-drunk
                      Former Mary Hailer who has seen The Light©
                      Forum Member
                      • Dec 2010
                      • 403

                      #11
                      Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

                      The witch hunt is not just confined to Godly USA, it is worldwide. There is a small diaspora from Land over baptist church on missions in many Godless countries, so I see no reason why the pastors will disallow you from hunting the fiends in Clogland. Although its not my call, so I would suggest seeking permission from a senior pastor first of all.

                      Last year I bagged a few witches, not bad for my first hunt.

                      Rev. Rodimer, may I also suggest adding seculiar scientists and darwinistas to the list. Also those who perpetuate the myth of global warming. Thanks
                      Matthew 10:34
                      Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

                      Comment

                      • Liam the ex-drunk
                        Former Mary Hailer who has seen The Light©
                        Forum Member
                        • Dec 2010
                        • 403

                        #12
                        Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

                        Originally posted by LBC loving Dutchmen View Post
                        Is it ok for me to arrange myself a witch hunt? I'm afraid I won't be able to attend the one in the Godly USA. And it is full with witches here, so if I can decrease the number, that would be great. I'm asking for approval, since I am not a True Christian.

                        Since this will be my first witch hunt, is there a manual or general guidelines? It might be that I have to make some alteration due to different government laws, with we have to follow.
                        Here ya go my Europistani friend - all the details you need, thanks to Daisy Mae for her help.

                        YiC

                        Liam

                        Originally posted by Daisy Mae Johnson View Post
                        Guess what TIME it is!

                        Yes, Folks it's that time of year again!

                        I'm sure you all remember the rules, but I'll list them again for the new folks.

                        1. To prove a kill you must submit genitals, teeth, ears or fingers or toes to the Pastors if you cannot bring in the entire body.

                        2. Severely maiming will get you points, but it's not as good as a kill.

                        You will need a permit, they are now available in the Church Lobby. The cost is $4.25. If you are not able to afford the cost of a Witch Hunting Permit, please fill out a "Hardship" Form available from a Pastor and a permit will be provided for you free of charge.

                        Winners will receive the coveted 2011 Witch Hunt Award, dinner for 4 at the Olive Garden, a gun of his/her choice from Bob4God's Gun World and a leather bound, over-sized KJV1611 Bible.

                        Now get out there and get us some witches!

                        Be GODLY, be good and most importantly HAVE FUN!

                        Post your results here!!!
                        Matthew 10:34
                        Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

                        Comment

                        • Dr Laurence Niles
                          Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
                           
                          • Jan 2012
                          • 9063

                          #13
                          Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

                          Unfortunately guns are illegal over here but you would be surprised how many Wicca have psychological problems and talk about their suicidal ideations in some of the Groups I run.

                          A suggestion here, a nudge there can be just as effective as a gun.

                          Jesus is my Saviour.
                          1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

                          Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

                          Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

                          Comment

                          • Cranky Old Man
                            Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah
                            You kids get off his lawn!
                             
                            • Jan 2010
                            • 22353

                            #14
                            Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

                            I have given up on getting the most kills as Pastor Ezekiel always seems to kill just a few more witches than me. Also my Smith and Wesson 500 Mag Hunter is no match for his new Gatling gun. This year I will go for the most head shots award. Brother Bob4God sold me a very promising collection of bear traps. The advantage being I can still shoot the witch after she is trapped. Their screaming will make it easy to figure out where a trap has caught a witch.

                            Exodus 22:18 "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."
                            5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                            To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                            James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                            Comment

                            • Rev. M. Rodimer
                              Honorary True Christian™
                              Forum Member
                              • May 2008
                              • 13996

                              #15
                              Re: 2012 Witch Hunt!

                              Originally posted by LBC loving Dutchmen View Post
                              Is it ok for me to arrange myself a witch hunt? I'm afraid I won't be able to attend the one in the Godly USA.
                              It's a shame you can't make it to Freehold.

                              In years gone by, Rachael van Hellsing's coven used to meet in the woods outside Freehold, so hunting those witches was the limit of the night's festivities. But, just like a favorite pond, those woods got overfished. van Hellthing hasn't been heard from for years, and her entire coven has been wiped out.

                              For the last few years, the woods have been "stocked" with witches gathered from nearby states. They are collected in September and October through various means; I know that Brother Cranky likes to go to Des Moines bars looking for women wearing the pentagram, then follow them as they walk home until he can use his favorite pick-up line on them: "Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

                              Last year, Landover began awarding prizes not just for the most witches bagged on the Witch Hunt, but the most captured for stocking of Freehold's "pond".

                              I'm pretty sure Freehold had over 100 witches of all shapes and sizes last year! And thanks to the electric fence, not one escaped.

                              This year, Sister Daisy Mae tells me that there will be a special treat for the kiddies: The Witch Pen! An elderly or disabled witch will be placed in a 5-foot square pen. Each child (ages 6 and under) will be able to take a turn climbing the steps next to the pen, and choose a weapon: three rocks, a .22 rifle with one round, or a recurve bow with one target arrow. A direct hit of any sort wins a prize, and the killing blow wins the Grand Prize!

                              Sister Daisy Mae will have to explain the prizes for the kids.
                              Bible boring? Nonsense!
                              Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                              You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                              Comment

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