Landover University Needs YOU

[BrotherLarry]

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Landover University - home of the Pumping Trojans - is in need of your help. As a student spokesperson, I am encouraging you to divert some of your trust fund, paycheck, annuity, structured settlement, stock dividend - however you get your money - to Landover University. Why

Many of you may not know that due to budget cuts, funds that were going to support Christian research in creation science, Advanced Greek, proving evolution wrong, exorcism, and the power of prayer were ordered to go to the purchase of an extravagant airplane for a certain individual's frequent trips to the Philippines, Thailand, Japan, China, and other ornamental countries.

Brother Professor Doctor Elmer White has been teaching with almost no pay for an entire month. Poor Brother Enobarbus only teaches one course these days - which, due to his advanced age and lack of a larynx, is exceptionally tough. But without pay, he had to take on a job as a greeter at a Des Moines Walmart

How are we as a church and a Christian Nation to continue to meet the challenges of our improved economy, cloudburst of high-tech jobs, and increasing wealth (Thanks to a Trump presidency) if we do not educate young minds? As a young, well-built, masculine, incredibly exceptional equine gnathologist, my continued studies in creation science are dependent upon scholarships and the continued paychecks of professors. As a recipient of the 2016 Elmer White Scholarship for Christian Creation Science, that $200 barely paid for books. The Lamentations Flint Fund is almost depleted (most of it going mysteriously for "Miscellaneous Expenses") and the Bathfire Endowment is so small it can barely stand on its own to help men like me. The Mary Whitford Trust continues to be strong despite its advanced age but by itself it cannot support expected need.

I know these are challenging times, but won't you find room in between the electric bill and the trips to Lanvin, Gucci, Neiman Marcus and Marquesa to think of the students of your university? I mean this not as a selfish plea, although my continued enrollment in the accelerated PhD program is dependent upon donations from plain folk like you.

It's so easy to give! Just check the Landover University box on your regular offering envelope at Sunday services or mail a check to the Office of Giving, Landover University. You can also initiate bank to bank transfers - just ask your personal banker. Instead of donating your life insurance proceeds to LBC, why not consider LU instead? I know Pastor Ezekiel will support this endeavor as he would rather see Landover University students soar across the skies of learning than to have some silly airplane when he already has one.

Thank you for your consideration!

Brother Doctor Professor Elmer White is not responsible for and has nothing to do with this request for donations and encourages all True Christians™ to support the airplane fund because you know how a certain person gets. However, Dr. White WOULD like to remind the persons in charge of payroll that FLSA regulations prohibit employers from failing to pay their employees. Brother Bathfire's Endowment has reached an infinitesimally small size and is in danger of being lost forever. BrotherLarry is an unpaid student spokesperson and this is an unsolicited solicitation.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

I’ll just add a rider to the above: All actions, and lack of action, is observed by God, Whose prophet has already stated:

Malachi 3:8 Will a man rob God? yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes & offerings.

And Jesus says:
M't:6:19: Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
M't:6:20: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
Lu:12:33: Sell that ye have, and give alms; provide yourselves bags which wax not old, a treasure in the heavens that faileth not, where no thief approacheth, neither moth corrupteth.

And we have the True Story of Lazaraus:

Lu:16:25: But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

Of course, I know that giving money to the poor can make them rich and then they will be unlikely to get into heaven:

M't:19:24: And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

But that is a chance we should be willing to take.


I understand that some might wish to leave money to their wives or children, but the Church takes care of widows:


1Tm:5:16: If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed.


and children who are given large amounts of cash are destroyed inwardly as is their family:


Proverb:29:15: The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.



Please give generously and regularly or take advantage of tax relief on charitable giving.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

Brother Larry, I had a word with my husband about this and he said that if that woman in the office spent less time gossiping on the phone (at LBU's expense, mind!) and more time collecting overdue tuition fees, this problem wouldn't exist.

He also remarked that LBU's tuition fees are way too low, particularly given that so many of the students are professional men (like yourself) with ample funds, and added "You get what you pay for". I have no idea what he means by that, though I'm sure it is absolutely no reflection on Brother Professor Dr White's teaching.

We both hope Brother Enobarbus is enjoying his new role at Walmart. It's good for the older folks to have an outside interest, and the opportunities for witnessing to shoppers must be excellent.

YiC
Joanna

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

Brother Larry, I had a word with my husband about this and he said that if that woman in the office spent less time gossiping on the phone (at LBU's expense, mind!) and more time collecting overdue tuition fees, this problem wouldn't exist.

He also remarked that LBU's tuition fees are way too low, particularly given that so many of the students are professional men (like yourself) with ample funds, and added "You get what you pay for". I have no idea what he means by that, though I'm sure it is absolutely no reflection on Brother Professor Dr White's teaching.

We both hope Brother Enobarbus is enjoying his new role at Walmart. It's good for the older folks to have an outside interest, and the opportunities for witnessing to shoppers must be excellent.

YiC
Joanna

The fact remains that our sports teams need new uniforms (once someone tries out for the team), our professors need to be paid, and that woman in the office is related to someone very important in LBC so no one tells her what to do. She only shows up three times a week and stays about an hour or so.


I heard that the Bathfire Endowment grew a little today - I don't know if I manipulated that into happening or not, but it was so small you could hardly get a grip on it. I hope someone will contribute in his name since he spent millions to build Bathfire Hall and the Bathfire Bathhouse (next to the gym). Since I am not on campus it's tough for me to raise funds, but when I get to Freehold - and it WILL happen - you can bet that you'll see changes in the University. I took some money from my trust fund and paid Dr. White's salary (please don't tell him I did this) so I could get my latest work graded.


Your husband sure likes to comment on things I say, Mrs. Joanna. Sometimes I think he's nosey and I can't help but think his "get what you pay for" remark was snide and rude. But I don't know the man.


If Sister Attila's Wife was still around, she would have donated. If Mistress Cookie was free, she would be taking care of residency applications and handling the Giving Office at the University.


So many IF's, so little action.

[handmaiden]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

If Sister Attila's Wife was still around, she would have donated. If Mistress Cookie was free, she would be taking care of residency applications and handling the Giving Office at the University.

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

Didn't Sister Attila's Wife top herself? Or did she get admitted to the Landover Asylum for the Insane? Something like that, I believe.
Sister Joanna should be able to clarify. She's some sort of relative I think.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

Just to give you a glimpse of the breakthroughs we're accomplishing at the moment. A staggering 2-3 PhD Theses and up to ten peer- reviewed papers in the Journal of Creation could be finished in just a decade or so if we only had $20,000,000 to finish the experiments we're doing.

AND we would become the leading Creation Science Facility by TOTALLY demolishing the liberal heresies of Answers in Genesis (they started out Biblical but they've succumbed to 1 Timothy 6:20).

Item: Speed of light!

The AiG guys have accepted the Transfirmamental (Genesis 1:6) existence of starts and Galactics billions of lighted years away. As they still (but how long) accept that the world is 6000+ years old (Genesis 1:1), they have invented an ad hoc escape by claiming that the speed of light has changed. The seculars are actually ridiculing this by observing pulsators, neutronic stars (fictional) that spin more rapidly than Tara Lipinsky doing a Biellmann spin. The rpm or these pulsators would change with changes in the speed of light and they've failed to see that. Of course, no-one believes the explanations of the secularists. But our team has found the ultimate source of physics data that will overturn the rich, fat AiG guys boasting their superiority in every single e-mail reply they send to me! It is here:

2 Peter 3:4
And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation.

Nothing has changed. The speeding light is a constant!



Item: Acceleration in the rate of radioactive decay!

This is started with the ICR (as bad as AiG) research project RATE:

"Squashed" Polonium-210 radiohalos indicate that Jurassic, Triassic, and Eocene formations in the Colorado plateau were deposited within months of one another, not hundreds of millions of years apart as required by the conventional time scale. "Orphan" Polonium-218 radiohalos, having no evidence of their mother elements, imply accelerated nuclear decay and very rapid formation of associated minerals.

The liberals suggest that there was as much radioactive decay as the secularists claim but that this decay did not take billions of years to unfold but only a couple of months. This time I actually side up with the secularists, as if all the radioactive events documented in Earth's rocks had taken place within a few weeks, Noah would not only have roasted alive but the beautiful seas he sailed upon would have evaporated and the pretty crystal casing that is the Firmament (Genesis 1:6) would have shattered like the gluteal parts of a figure skater because of the steam pressure. The atheists have, of course no proof, but we have:

2 Peter 3:4
And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation.

The rate of radioactive decay has not changed. WE are the ONLY Creation Science team that still relies on the Bible.



Now, to finish and publish these two studies would take only 15,000,000. What about the remaining 5,000,000? We would send a free-market produced rocket ship to the firmament to sample some Transfirmamental water. Of course, you might say, we could just sample the rain, as it also comes from the same source of waters above (Genesis 1:6) through the Windows of Heaven (Genesis 8:2). BUT is is mixed with the gases of the atmosphere and does not represent Divine Waters. By comparing the chemical composition of the pure Transfirmamental Waters Above through a borehole immediately plugged with some glue (see picture below), we could find out many things.


All this would be done to Praise Jesus and bring more and more people unto His Sweet Bosom before the Rapture (1 Thessalonians 4:17).




Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

Your husband sure likes to comment on things I say, Mrs. Joanna. Sometimes I think he's nosey and I can't help but think his "get what you pay for" remark was snide and rude. But I don't know the man.

I will tell him what you say, Brother Larry, though I am not entirely convinced that your words will encourage him to direct funds your way.

If Sister Attila's Wife was still around, she would have donated.

Quite possibly, had she not given all her money towards the building of some Chinese mega-church in 2014. She was always susceptible to a scam, poor woman, and towards the end she often confused the voices of dementia with the Voice of God.


Brother Professor Doctor White, Sir, I do hope you are not planning to personally go up in this rocket? We would hate to lose you. Also, are you sure that the borehole will be necessary? Surely there must be holes already, to let the rain through?

[Phil Ander]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

I'm thinking aloud here, but perhaps awarding Melania Trump a LBU Architecture degree may turn on a certain source of funding. On her (since deleted) website prior to Republican nomination it was stated that Melania had been awarded an architectural degree from a University in Slovenia before going onto a phenomenally successful career as a model.


Some mud raking "journalists" from fake news organisations then published that they could find no evidence that Melania had ever received such a degree. By their own admissions, they didn't look very hard. They did an online search and couldn't find evidence. Pathetic. A hard nosed investigative journalist would have gone to the University, interviewed her professors, her classmates and her mentors to get to the bottom.


Such an investigator would have discovered that Melania was fiercely committed to her studies, and held a great passion for design and architecture. She was on the cusp of a degree. Perhaps some language issues explain why Melania (American only her second language) made a slight slip on her previous website about being awarded a degree rather than studying for a degree.


The Whitehouse website now states that Melania took a "pause" in her architectural degree in Slovenia.


I think that the LBU Board of Studies should consider awarding Melania Trump a B.Arch (with honors) based on her previous outstanding results in Slovenia and her life experience.


Phil

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

That is a perfectly splendid idea, Brother Phil! As an honored alumna, Mrs Trump could also be asked to hand out diplomas at LBU's periodic graduation ceremony - I'm sure she would make a splendid speech. I know that Mrs Bathfire does a pretty good job, within her all-too-obvious limitations, but she doesn't draw the same level of press coverage, nationally.

A little investigation into the Faculty of Architecture at Ljubljanlja reveals that there are 1,000 students - that's 0.05% of the population, in a country of only 2 million people. Bearing in mind that this is only a snapshot of one year, just think of the percentage of the population that must qualify as architects over time! (I may set the actual calculation as as a math problem for my younger boys.) Is it any wonder that they have lost Melania's records?

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Landover University Needs YOU

We both hope Brother Enobarbus is enjoying his new role at Walmart. It's good for the older folks to have an outside interest, and the opportunities for witnessing to shoppers must be excellent.

YiC
Joanna

Walmart is protesting Professor Brother Enobarbus' attempts to save the lost while offering a shopping cart to customers. Since he has no larynx (until God heals him), he can't speak, so he hands out Chick tracts and uses sign language. So far:


Enobarbus 12, Devil 0


He has learned to use social media and communicates to me that he is disappointed in the congregation for failing to support the university he helped found. He said something about Lamentations Flint would "smack that boy up side the head" if he were still alive for diverting university funds for his own bounty, but I don't know just exactly whose head would be smacked. A relative of Lamentations, I surmise.


Brother Barbus (he likes to be called that) sends his wishes that everyone would come to the W. Des Moines Walmart and see him now and then. (He sometimes forgets that he just saw people at Sunday services, poor man).


Are you aware that Attila's Wife had a brief fling with Enobarbus in the early days of the church? It was rather scandalous but they didn't "know" each other in the Biblical sense. Brother Barbus was afraid of her husband. He said that he thinks Attila is still alive somewhere. He also said something about an "aloof, non-caring step granddaughter" who drove Sister Attila's Wife to her grave. I'm learning a lot from sweet ol' Enobarbus. Maybe I'll write a book.