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According to the vicar of Rome, today is St Patrick’s Day. St Patrick is most famous for driving all snakes out of Ireland.
If you think about that for a moment – and Catlicks never do –what Patrick actually did was banish God’s creatures from a place where God had put them. A sin that perhaps has its equivalent today in seeing your father’s car parked in the drive and having it collected by a truck from the local wrecker’s yard.
However, today is also St Gertrude of Nivelles’ Day – patron saint of cats and cat lovers. In creating a “holy” history for her, the Catlicks reported that Gertrude was daughter of Pippin the Elder. This was, I suppose done in order to cash in on the popularity of Pippin the Hobbit in Lord of the Rings – but I digress.
St Gertrude was born 628 AD and died on this day in 659. The very shortness of her life should tell you what God thought of her.
But how did she become a saint? Well, in the Middle Ages the popes realised that profits were not growing as fast as they had done, and decided to put on some “Special Offers”. They started having patron saints for anything and everything, access to whom (for a fee) would magically grant your wish. It was at about the same time that Jesus heard about this and incensed with righteous anger, in His Mercy, He sent to Black Death to wipe out Catlicks.
Seeing how efficient the Angel of Death was and seeing their profits drop even further, the pope invented more “Patron Saints” and while scratching around for yet another saint, the conversation went like this:
Pope: “More patron saints! I need to gold-plate my hat!”
Cardinal 1: "We’re running out of things to have patron saints of…”
Pope: "I don’t want to hear that!"
Cardinal 2: “I know! Why not have a patron saint of cats (a creature not mentioned in the Bible) because cats catch rats and rats spread the Black Death.”
Pope: “Brilliant! Here’s the keys to the room where I keep my choir boys – help yourself!”
Cardinal 1: “Well who’s that going to be then?”
Cardinal 2 [looking down a huge scroll] “Er… er… Ah! Here’s one we’ve not used! St Gertrude of Nivelles!”
And so it was and pictures of St Gertrude sold a million overnight and topped the Saints’ Charts for two years running.
“WORRIED ABOUT THE BLACK DEATH? BUY A PICTURE OF ST GERTRUDE AND WORRY NO MORE! ONLY 2 GOLD DOUBLOONS – RUSH ME MINE TODAY!”
As it happens, the statistics seem to show that if you had a picture of St Gertrude, you were 23.6% more likely to die of the plague (rather like wearing a mask or isolating, today) but this was another bonus as the vicar of Rome had increased the price of funeral services.
So there we have it, and if you wish to know more about patron saints and the Catlick church’s desperation with get-rich-quick schemes,I suggest you have a look at Saint Guinefort You’ll be amazed! (Unless you’re Catlick.)
If you think about that for a moment – and Catlicks never do –what Patrick actually did was banish God’s creatures from a place where God had put them. A sin that perhaps has its equivalent today in seeing your father’s car parked in the drive and having it collected by a truck from the local wrecker’s yard.
However, today is also St Gertrude of Nivelles’ Day – patron saint of cats and cat lovers. In creating a “holy” history for her, the Catlicks reported that Gertrude was daughter of Pippin the Elder. This was, I suppose done in order to cash in on the popularity of Pippin the Hobbit in Lord of the Rings – but I digress.
St Gertrude was born 628 AD and died on this day in 659. The very shortness of her life should tell you what God thought of her.
But how did she become a saint? Well, in the Middle Ages the popes realised that profits were not growing as fast as they had done, and decided to put on some “Special Offers”. They started having patron saints for anything and everything, access to whom (for a fee) would magically grant your wish. It was at about the same time that Jesus heard about this and incensed with righteous anger, in His Mercy, He sent to Black Death to wipe out Catlicks.
Seeing how efficient the Angel of Death was and seeing their profits drop even further, the pope invented more “Patron Saints” and while scratching around for yet another saint, the conversation went like this:
Pope: “More patron saints! I need to gold-plate my hat!”
Cardinal 1: "We’re running out of things to have patron saints of…”
Pope: "I don’t want to hear that!"
Cardinal 2: “I know! Why not have a patron saint of cats (a creature not mentioned in the Bible) because cats catch rats and rats spread the Black Death.”
Pope: “Brilliant! Here’s the keys to the room where I keep my choir boys – help yourself!”
Cardinal 1: “Well who’s that going to be then?”
Cardinal 2 [looking down a huge scroll] “Er… er… Ah! Here’s one we’ve not used! St Gertrude of Nivelles!”
And so it was and pictures of St Gertrude sold a million overnight and topped the Saints’ Charts for two years running.
“WORRIED ABOUT THE BLACK DEATH? BUY A PICTURE OF ST GERTRUDE AND WORRY NO MORE! ONLY 2 GOLD DOUBLOONS – RUSH ME MINE TODAY!”
So there we have it, and if you wish to know more about patron saints and the Catlick church’s desperation with get-rich-quick schemes,I suggest you have a look at Saint Guinefort You’ll be amazed! (Unless you’re Catlick.)
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