The official deity bodycount

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

We all know that being God-fearing is a good thing. Our creation scientists have completed an epic research project that statistically proves once and for all that the truly God-fearing become Christians - because the most fearsome deity is ours:

The Official Deity Bodycount:

Jesus

Victorian Imperial Famines (1876-1900) Policy directly influenced by Anglican Clergyman Thomas Malthus.
31,700,000 - 61,300,000

Taiping Rebellion (1851- 1864)
20,000,000 - 40,000,000

American Indians killed
20,000,000

Slave trade (By Christians)
15,000,000 - 20,000,000

AIDS 1981-98
11,700,000
By keeping condoms away from sinners. Catholic Priests have 4 times more AIDS cases than the regular population. Does that mean Jesus gets 3 quarters of AIDS smitings?

The Thirty Years War (1618-48)
8,000,000

Saracens slaughtered in Spain
7,000,000

Jews killed in Holocaust
6,000,000

France: Catholic vs. Huguenot (1562-1598)
2,000,000 - 4,000,000

Saxons and Scandinavian pagans killed
2,000,000

Rwanda and Burundi (1959-95)
1 350 000

Bush's Crusade in Iraq
1,200,000+ (God told him to do it!)

People killed under the orders of God in the Bible
1,283,000

Ireland, Famine (1845-48) Policy directly influenced by Anglican Clergyman Thomas Malthus.
750,000

Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834)
350,000

Ivan the Terrible, Russia, (r.1533-84)
200,000

Bosnia and Herzegovina (1992-95):
175 000

Poland (1648-54) Jews slaughtered
150,000-200,000

Witch Hunts (1400-1800)
100,000

Peasants' War, Germany (1524-25)
100,000

Vlad The Impaler, Wallachia (r.1456-1462)
50,000-100,000

Munster Rebellion
Many thousands

Jews killed as scapegoats for Black Death, West Europe (1348)
20,000+

US Lynchings, first wave (1865-76)

3,500 - 20,000

Lisbon (1506) Converted Jews killed
2,000-4,000

US Lynchings, second wave (1900-50)
1,986

INVISIBLE HAND
Smoking, 20th century
90,000,000 ( - many millions to Karl Marx, smoking dropped in the capitalist world but increased in the communist world, 2,500,000 Chinese smoke to death annually).

French Equatorial Africa (1900-40)
12,000,000

Congo Free State (1886-1908)
8 000 000 - 21,500,000

Shock Therapy, Russia 1992+
3,200,000 - 10,000,000 (sources for Low Estimate and High estimate. Shared with Karl Marx who set up the disaster.)

Climate Change, 1999-2019
6,000,000 (give 20% to Karl Marx **, unknown number (100%?) to new agers/communist dupes for preventing the widespread adoption of nuclear power).

Destruction of Amazonian Indians (1900-99)
500,000

Forced laborers worked to death in Portuguese colonies (1900-25):
325 000

Rubber companies in Peru and Brazil, worker deaths (1900-12):
250 000
Karl Marx

Red Holocaust: ~100,000,000

Also, this dog:




PAGAN



Mongol Crusades
40,000,000

Covid-19, caused by Chinese traditional medicine
25,700,000 *

Human sacrifices during dedication of a temple of Huitzilopochtli in Tenochtitlan by Aztec king Ahuitzotl (1487)
80,000

South Africa, Xhosa self-destruction (1857)
40,000 starved

China, human sacrifices 750-1050
13,000


ALLAH

Slave trade (Islamic)
19,000,000


Chinese Muslim Rebellion, (1862-1877)
8,000,000 - 12,000,000

Timur Lenk (1369-1405)
5,000,000

Sudan (1983 et seq.)
1 900 000

East Pakistan: Massacres 1971
1,250,000

Iran-Iraq War (Sunni VS Shia) 1980-88
1,000,000

Arab conquest
698,200

Algeria (1954-62)
675 000

Hindus killed, India, (1366)
500,000

India-Pakistan Partition 1947
250,000

Lebanon 1976-2000
150,000

Syria's Shia(Alawite) vs Sunni civil war
500,000

Yemen: Sunni vs Shia civil war
230,000

Algeria: Islamic fundamentalist insurrection (1992-2002)
100 000

War Between Christians and Druses, Lebanon (1860)
30,000

Persia (1848-54)
20,000 Babis (Baha'is) massacred.

India, Sepoy Mutiny (1857)
15,000

Massacre of Armenians (1895-96)
5,000 - 75,000

Israeli War of Independence 1948
11,000

Bengali War of Independence 1971
11,000

2nd Indo-Pak War 1965
7,000

Shinto God-emperor
Pacific war, 1933-1945
24,000,000

HINDU GODS

Thuggee human sacrifices
9,100,000

India-Pakistan Partition 1947
250,000

Widow Burning
62,400 per century until 1829

India, Sepoy Mutiny (1857)
5,000 - 75,000

BUDDAH and company
Taoist Yellow Turban Rebellion
3,000,000 - 7,000,000

Boxer Rebellion
115,000

Vietnam, Persecution of Christians (ca. 1832-1887)
40,000

Satan:

10

Conclusion:

I have not worked out the precise numbers but it seems Jesus is easily the most fearsome, with about one hundred million smitings to his credit before you even count His Invisible Hand, at which point it adds up to a quarter-billion confirmed kills.

The Pagan deity that sent Ghengis Khan crusading gets second place. After all, many of his Mongol warriors were Christians.

Karl Marx gets the bronze medal. I'm sure he'd prefer everybody get a bronze medal with him, since he thought everybody should get equal results regardless of productivity.

Allah and the Hindu gods seem to be tied for fourth with about dozen million victims, Allah pulls ahead though, because his number is doubled if you count slavery in the Islamic world.

The Hindu gods used to do a lot of sacrifices in prehistoric times, but unless they nuke Pakistan soon they'll become a historical footnote among the God-fearing.

Non-Mongol Pagans seem to be the same story as the Hindus, though at least the pagan gods have the excuse that they hardly have any believers to do the smiting for them.

Buddah is pathetic, no wonder he's so fat, having not gotten off his butt to do a single smiting for an entire century now.
Got that, God-fearers?

THE GOD-FEARING FEAR JESUS!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

Thanks to Jesus choosing to bless us with Google translation:

I feel it, to sir, but I do not understand English. I cannot understand the implications of these numerical figures that you have presented/displayed here. Aparece to be a fragmentation hand grenade tied to a very inconvenient part of your anatomy, no?

Rache, your writing skills are even worse than Hitoshi's. You don't understand the numerical figures? Their message is clear: Jesus has had his followers kill a quarter-BILLION (that's with a B, Rache) people who displeased him. And now you want to displease him enough to be number 250,000,001?

You think your money is too good for Him?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

The recent persecution we're suffering under the hordes of Japanese-brainwashed game addicts as made we realize that I forgot to include Shintoism on this list.

In world war 2 The Shinto god, Emperor Hirohito, smote 20,000,000 Chinese, 1,000,000 vietnamese, 2,680,000 japanese and maybe half a million others. I'll round it off at 24,000,000, 24 million smitings.

Thus, the Japanese are almost exactly one tenth as God-fearing as Christians are.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

But surely, fellow christains, this means that we are losing the war. only a quarter of a billion people killed in our lords name in history and yet more heathens than that live today. Should we not step up the crusade in the name of the lord and take the fight to the heathens

Oh ye of little faith!

Haven't you heard John McCain sing "Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran!"? Don't you know that he has stated that he hates the gooks, and vows to hate them for as long as he lives? Don't you know that his preacher states that the entire reason America was founded was for the destruction of Islamic civilization?

I will be the first to admit it, Bush is a pansy. John McCain, on the other hand, is a real man, a man who will take the fight to the islamofascists and the gookofascists and the chinkofascists and the whole big brown mess!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

Chalk up 3 to 7 million more smitings for the Invisible Hand of Jesus!

During the capitalist "shock therapy" of Russia He smote between 3,200,000 (according to a 2001 UNICEF-IRC study) and 10,000,000 (Lancet study).

Take that, Ruskies! That's your pre-emptive punishment for threatening Alaska and keeping Sarah Palin up at night!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

I have finally decided that Ghengis Khan belongs on this list. This is a huge plus for the Pagan Gods, instantly making them rivals of Allah.

I have always known that Ghengis Khan was a deeply religious pagan, who worshipped a pagan deity called "the Eternal Blue Sky" that lived on Mount Burkhan Kaldun.

Ghengis Khan who sought out learning from missionaries (including Christians), and promoted all religions (including Christianity) in his empire. Many Mongols were Christians, and at one point the Mongol Empire was run by a Christian.

Either Christianty or Islam probably inspired Article 48 of his law code: "Men who commit sodomy shall be put to death".

His faith has never been in doubt. The question has always been "was it a Diety that caused his conquest of the world? If so, which Deity?"

It turns out that yes it is.

Religious tolerance was practiced in the Mongol Empire, but to defy the Great Khan was equal to defying the will of God. It was with such religious fervor that Genghis Khan is supposed to have said to one of his enemies, "I am the flail of God. If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you."

Genghis Khan wasted no time in capitalizing on his divine stature. While spiritual inspiration motivated his armies...

So, his admitted motive was to punish the world for sinning, and ignoring the teachings of their religions. It might be enough to divide up the kills by religion of his soldiers, but I won't. I'm judging deities by their "voice behind the throne" ability to convince people to smite people. It was Ghengis' pagan deity that sent him on the warpath, and so his smitings are credited to paganism.

Before Ghengigs began each conquest, he would return to the temple at Mount Burkhan Kaldun and spend several days fasting and praying to "the Eternal Blue Sky" to asnwer the question of whether he should go to war. Every time the answer was yes. So the Mongol Conquests would be better called The Mongol Crusades.

Thus 40,000,000 smitings are awarded to Paganism.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

Next Question: Does the An Shi rebellion, lead by the son of a sorceress, count? If so, the Pagan bodycount would gain 36,000,000 smitings and leave Islam in the dust.

I'm not convinced, it's not enough for a deity or religion to lend support to a war, they have to be the main cause of it for the deaths to count as being by their hand.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

It looks like the demons of Taoism might have 3,000,000 to 7,000,000 smitings to take credit for:

The Yellow Turban Rebellion was led by Zhang Jiao....and his two younger brothers Zhang Bao and Zhang Liang, who were born in the Julu district of the Ye Prefecture. The brothers had founded a taoist religious sect in Shandong Province.

Zhang Jiao used a form of Taoism to cure the sick by confession of sins and by faith healing. The religion and the politics of the Zhang brothers were based on belief in an apocalyptic change in the order of the world, and they told their followers that in the jiazi year, beginning of the new cycle, the sky would become yellow...

Was the war caused by Taoism? Or started by men who just happened to have also started a Taoist sect?

Also, I'm starting to think that the Invisible Hand of Jesus deserves some credit for the Pacific War. It has to do with the the zaibatsu, the mega-corporations of the time:

The zaibatsu were the heart of economic and industrial activity within the Empire of Japan, and held great influence over Japanese national and foreign policies. The Rikken Seiyukai political party was regarded as an extension of the Mitsui group, which also had very strong connections with the Imperial Japanese Army. Likewise, the Rikken Minseito was connected to the Mitsubishi group, as was the Imperial Japanese Navy.

After World War II, the US occupation identified the zaibatsu's dominance of the economy as one of the causes of Japanese militarism in the 1920s and 1930s and introduced measures to dissolve them.

Even the name of the Japanese Empire: The Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere - sounds very capitalist.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

The Invisible Hand of Jesus is gaining 300,000 smitings every year due to climate change. Of course, we all know climate change is God's punishment for homosexuality, but for the sake of the bodycount being unbiased, I'll count these smitings as "invisible hand of the Free Market" related.

Global warming is causing more than 300,000 deaths and about $125 billion in economic losses each year, according to a report by the Global Humanitarian Forum, an organization led by Kofi Annan, the former United Nations secretary general

If we estimate that the effects of climate change have been felt for a decade now, that's a total of 3,000,000 smitings (so far) for the Invisible Hand of the Free Market.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

Allah looks like a pansy, in 1400 years he's hardly smote more than Ghengis Khan's god killed in his lifetime.

I think this is mostly due to innefficiency. But you got to give him credit for persistence. Here's a 1000 page book listing recent terrorist attacks, of which Allah inspired 95%.

Allah may not be fearsome, but he's certainly not lazy.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

Of course, how could I forget direct Satanists (not to be confused with indirect Satanists, aka Satan's useful idiots, aka everything who is not a True Christian(tm).)

They've never had a government, or even an insurgency. But in the Bible Satan, with God's permission, kills 10 people (Job 1:1-19), so here we go:

Satanism: 10

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

Another update for the god-fearing:

With Syria's bodycount topping 100,000 it's time to consider if these smitings belong to allah. It seems to be mostly more Shia VS Sunni - a religiously-fuelled dispute - and everytime someone dies everyone is shouting allah akubar!" (though I'm starting to wonder if that's just the noise they make when they breathe). And I have yet to see any big-shot muslim leaders ordering their side to be peaceful.

So, that's about 100,000 more smitings to allah making him still nowhere near as fear-worthy as the God WE fear.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

This is a tangent that might deserve it's own thread, but I'm skeptical when I read a history book that says that when soldiers capture a city, lots of rape follows.

I think historians get this wrong because, being nerdy bookish types, they lack personal experience with female psychology. If jocks wrote the history books we would know what actually happens when a city is sacked. Think about it:

You're a a rough, tough go-getter who just won a fight. You're rich (thanks to loot) you're confident, you're pumping high-octane testosterone (It's been proven with winning boosts testosterone). And you're surrounded by excited women whose men are either dead or humbled by defeat.

You don't need to rape anyone. The women are throwing themselves at you.

But then the excitement dies down, the conquerors move on, and in the cold light of day the women are regretting what they did.

So what do they do? Well, they do what all women do whenever they have sex and then regret it - they accuse the men of rape.

Their cuckolded husbands go ahead with it because they have to - what are they going to to, stone every woman for sluttery? There would be no women left.

And the conquerors go along with it because of how propaganda worked in the olden days. Back then to you didn't pretend to be a good guy, you just focused on scaring the snot out of everybody*. Think "Mafia" rather than "Madison Avenue". And rape stories are scarier than "hey, remember that time in Nanking when we all got lucky?"



*You know, like what I'm doing in this thread. Our goal is to turn everyone into God-FEARING Christians, after all.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

If all these numbers are putting you to sleep, don't worry because I'm thinking of coming up with some kind of visualization for the diety bodycount. Ideally it would be something like this bodycount here:

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: The official deity bodycount

If we estimate that the effects of climate change have been felt for a decade now, that's a total of 3,000,000 smitings (so far) for the Invisible Hand of the Free Market.

It's been another decade so let's add another 3,000,000. Though the communist countries also added carbon, the USSR was notoriously polluting. That brings up:

Does communism count as a religion? Do Marx, Uncle Joe, and Che "I look cool on Tshirts" Geverra count as dieties?

If so, The Black Book Of Communism says 100,000,000, but what about abortion/infanticide? And it didn't mention the proto-communist anabaptists, though they were Christian heretics so we will split the score on that one.

Here's a wonderfully easy to listen to mini-audiobook on the Anabaptists and their Munster Rebellion:

Medieval Germans didn't put communists on T-shirts, they put them in "Anabaptist Chandeliers".