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Advertising Slogans That Have Offended Me Over the Years
Jif Peanut Butter: "Choosy mothers choose Jif."
Women are simpletons and should never make choices, not even regarding peanut butter. They should pray to Jesus or call their husbands for guidance. The slogan should be: "Subservient mothers take a moment and petition Jesus or phone their husbands to find out whether they should buy Jif or not." That's a whole lot catchier, too.
Taco Bell: "Yo QuZero Taco Bell."
I don't know what this gibberish means, and that frightens me. Repeating it could summon demons, or, worse yet, Mexicans.
AT&T: "Reach out and touch someone."
Touching leads to fornication. I never even so much as tap someone on the shoulder for fear that my tallywacker will end up in a dark, dank place it doesn't belong. AT&T, fully aware of where touching leads, attempted to instigate a mass orgy with this deplorable slogan in 1979. What they failed to notice was that there already was a mass orgy going on--it was, after all, the 70s.
Doublemint Gum: "Double your pleasure, double your fun with Doublemint Gum."
Pleasure and fun should never be doubled. If anything, they should be halved. At least.
Charmin Toilet Tissue: "Please don't squeeze the Charmin!"
"Charmin" was a euphemism for ding-dongs in a series of commercials that featured a grocer named Mr. Whipple. Horny housewives couldn't keep their hands off of the Charmin, prompting Mr. Whipple to say the above slogan. Okay. I'm on board. "Ladies, don't squeeze shlongs" seems like a message that espouses wholesome, Christian values. Not so fast. These commercials would invariably end with Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin, his eyes glazed over in queer delight. This slogan is gay propaganda in sheep's clothing. Also, "Charmin" sounds French, adding to the gayness. And the name "Whipple" is pretty dirty-sounding.
Of course, Charmin has pictures of babies on their packaging, so this slogan may be about squeezing infants to death, or possibly squeezing baby peckers. I'm not sure. Give me a little more time on this one.
Allstate: "You're in good hands."
From the sound of it, this insurance company likes to grope its customers. Their repugnant logo is a pair of perverted, outstretched hands that appear eager to cup my genitals. Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty Allstate.
Rolaids: "How do you spell relief? R-O-L-A-I-D-S."
Television can be a wonderful babysitter, playmate, parent, and/or teacher provided it is tuned in to the Christian Television Network. CTN strictly offers factual information; e.g., dinosaur bones were strategically placed by Satan to fool mankind about the Earth's age. Secular television spreads misinformation and stultifies the minds of American children. Case in point: the above slogan. Relief is most certainly not spelled r-o-l-a-i-d-s. No wonder all I see are chinks and Hindus in American spelling bees.
Ball Park Franks: "They plump when you cook 'em."
Does anyone not think of engorged tallywackers when hearing this slogan? Scores of women have become pecker-craving fiends because of this insidious advertising campaign's not-so-subtle message. After viewing a commercial in which the slogan was featured, my neighbor's wife became an uncontrollable harlot and tried to cook my Ball Park Frank. Fortunately, my tallywacker remained virtuous and did not succumb to advertising-induced fornication.*
Johnson's Baby Shampoo: "No more tears."
Children are supposed to cry while in the bathtub. I used to rub soap and/or shampoo and/or bath salt in my daughters' eyes while my wife bathed them. Sure, it made them scream at the top of their lungs and cry their eyes out, but it also made them have unpleasant associations with being naked so they didn't become whores.** That's called good parenting, folks.
*It did become semi-plump.
**Unfortunately, they did become whores. In retrospect, I should have rubbed soap/shampoo/bath salt in their eyes and made the bathwater scalding hot. Let that be a lesson to all of you new parents out there.
Women are simpletons and should never make choices, not even regarding peanut butter. They should pray to Jesus or call their husbands for guidance. The slogan should be: "Subservient mothers take a moment and petition Jesus or phone their husbands to find out whether they should buy Jif or not." That's a whole lot catchier, too.
Taco Bell: "Yo QuZero Taco Bell."
I don't know what this gibberish means, and that frightens me. Repeating it could summon demons, or, worse yet, Mexicans.
AT&T: "Reach out and touch someone."
Touching leads to fornication. I never even so much as tap someone on the shoulder for fear that my tallywacker will end up in a dark, dank place it doesn't belong. AT&T, fully aware of where touching leads, attempted to instigate a mass orgy with this deplorable slogan in 1979. What they failed to notice was that there already was a mass orgy going on--it was, after all, the 70s.
Doublemint Gum: "Double your pleasure, double your fun with Doublemint Gum."
Pleasure and fun should never be doubled. If anything, they should be halved. At least.
Charmin Toilet Tissue: "Please don't squeeze the Charmin!"
"Charmin" was a euphemism for ding-dongs in a series of commercials that featured a grocer named Mr. Whipple. Horny housewives couldn't keep their hands off of the Charmin, prompting Mr. Whipple to say the above slogan. Okay. I'm on board. "Ladies, don't squeeze shlongs" seems like a message that espouses wholesome, Christian values. Not so fast. These commercials would invariably end with Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin, his eyes glazed over in queer delight. This slogan is gay propaganda in sheep's clothing. Also, "Charmin" sounds French, adding to the gayness. And the name "Whipple" is pretty dirty-sounding.
Of course, Charmin has pictures of babies on their packaging, so this slogan may be about squeezing infants to death, or possibly squeezing baby peckers. I'm not sure. Give me a little more time on this one.
Allstate: "You're in good hands."
From the sound of it, this insurance company likes to grope its customers. Their repugnant logo is a pair of perverted, outstretched hands that appear eager to cup my genitals. Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty Allstate.
Rolaids: "How do you spell relief? R-O-L-A-I-D-S."
Television can be a wonderful babysitter, playmate, parent, and/or teacher provided it is tuned in to the Christian Television Network. CTN strictly offers factual information; e.g., dinosaur bones were strategically placed by Satan to fool mankind about the Earth's age. Secular television spreads misinformation and stultifies the minds of American children. Case in point: the above slogan. Relief is most certainly not spelled r-o-l-a-i-d-s. No wonder all I see are chinks and Hindus in American spelling bees.
Ball Park Franks: "They plump when you cook 'em."
Does anyone not think of engorged tallywackers when hearing this slogan? Scores of women have become pecker-craving fiends because of this insidious advertising campaign's not-so-subtle message. After viewing a commercial in which the slogan was featured, my neighbor's wife became an uncontrollable harlot and tried to cook my Ball Park Frank. Fortunately, my tallywacker remained virtuous and did not succumb to advertising-induced fornication.*
Johnson's Baby Shampoo: "No more tears."
Children are supposed to cry while in the bathtub. I used to rub soap and/or shampoo and/or bath salt in my daughters' eyes while my wife bathed them. Sure, it made them scream at the top of their lungs and cry their eyes out, but it also made them have unpleasant associations with being naked so they didn't become whores.** That's called good parenting, folks.
*It did become semi-plump.
**Unfortunately, they did become whores. In retrospect, I should have rubbed soap/shampoo/bath salt in their eyes and made the bathwater scalding hot. Let that be a lesson to all of you new parents out there.
. 
Especially of some of the ladys in it.
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