Tweet
Scientists plotting to enlage you-know-whats!
Dear Friends:
During my year-long hiatus in the Sudan (as well as various undisclosed locations) I had a long time to think about many things, and I will tell you all about that later. Right now something is stuck in my craw, and making my blood boil. Basically, it comes down to this: scientists like big vaginas. I'll start at the beginning:
While checking up on my profitable new investments in Viet nam, I found that I employ many freakish workers which I believe are referred to as "mutants". It seems that back during Nixon's crusade against the yellow peril lots of "agent orange" was used, a weapon approved of so strongly by God that he puts extra effort and creativity into His creations whereever we use it. You see, God has tried out all sort of artistic new ideas when a mamma-san gives birth to a little gookling: extra lumps where He usually does not put lumps, limbs removed to save on weight, faces stirred up all Picasso-like: the creative might of the LORD is on full display among our little monkey-eating cousins of the orient.
This got me thinking about the mysterious field of biotechnology. Now, on the surface biotech sound like exactly the sort of thing we would oppose. Playing God, and all that. But to believe that, you first have to believe that biotech actually works, which it doesn't. I mean, for biotechnology to exist, there were need to be DNA and evolution and all of that nonsense that has been disproven time and time again. You see, what scientists are unwilling to admit is that when they are supposedly "cloning" and "splicing genes" and all that smoke-and-mirrors nonsense, they are actually just praying for God to create stuff. "Please oh LORD, intelligently design another sheep exactly like Dolly here, amen." "Our father who art in heaven, please give me a new pestilence to unleash upon the crops of the sinful, over-charging catholics of Columbia, amen." All those vials and computers and equipment in those labratories is nothing but rented Hollywood sets usually used for low-budget sci-fi films. All the real work of biotechnology is actually done by well-worn knees and the wonder-working power of the LORD.
So, with this in mind, one of the first things I did upon returning to The Homeland was to network with some biotech executives to find out exactly how they pray, which sins they rebuke the loudest, and so on. They at first kept to their cover story of course, doing their whole labcoat egghead routine they practised so much, but I bought them lots of martinis, knowing that eventually some piece of valuable information would slip out. Which scripture you quote to get an improved strain of anthrax to plauge God's enemies, that sort of thing.
One of them (who I believe is Indian: he's brown and talks like he's got his nose plugged all the time) told me that his sister had died in childbirth and that maybe someday women could be genetically engineered to give birth as safely and painlessly as animals do. Now, this confused me, since as a proper Christian he surely knows that God chose to make women suffer and die in childbirth in punishment for Eve tempting Adam in the Garden of Eden. I didn't expect him to be a full-blown biblical scholar, but surely he's read the first few chapters of Genesis, right? I asked him exactly what he was talking about, and he went into a very confusing load of technobabble which I really didn't understand at first. Then, slowly, horribly, it dawned upon me just what is was that he wanted.
HE WAS PRAYING FOR WOMEN TO HAVE BIGGER VAGINAS!
I could hardly believe it! By grace of God I was so stunned I failed to smite him right then and there. Larger vaginas! The horrible things are already far too big! I could imagine some hulking negro with a tree-root between his legs would consider that a good idea, but an Indian? (Come to think of it, Africans have satanically over-endowed penises, while orientals have smaller organs which don't plant seed so much as sprinkle it. But what do our little curry-scented cousins have between their legs? Whose side are they on? If you ask me, any man with more than 4 inches is a natural-born pervert.) Anyway, the last thing good Christian men want to suffer is women with Carlsbad-Canyon sized hellpits under grand-canyon-sized vulvas. The thought of a world groaning under the weight of millions more tons of fishy-smelling, slime-oozing, hair-sprouting pinkness is enough to make a humble slave of the LORD such as myself want to retch! The clean, fresh air of God's creation must not be tained with yet more of the humidity of the Devil's Whirlpool. Having spent an entire year in Africa, I know ever explicit detail of the horrors of over-sized genetalia.
All of my wives have had far too much quicksand under the tumbleweed, even the ones I mail ordered from Russia and the Philipines. Once I get this biotechnology thing figured out, the first thing I'll do is pray for God to shrink down private parts to half their current size. Childbirth won't be that much more painful, because babies with smaller equipment will be more streamlined. And if you die in childbirth, well, blame Eve, she's the one who caused all this trouble in the first place.
During my year-long hiatus in the Sudan (as well as various undisclosed locations) I had a long time to think about many things, and I will tell you all about that later. Right now something is stuck in my craw, and making my blood boil. Basically, it comes down to this: scientists like big vaginas. I'll start at the beginning:
While checking up on my profitable new investments in Viet nam, I found that I employ many freakish workers which I believe are referred to as "mutants". It seems that back during Nixon's crusade against the yellow peril lots of "agent orange" was used, a weapon approved of so strongly by God that he puts extra effort and creativity into His creations whereever we use it. You see, God has tried out all sort of artistic new ideas when a mamma-san gives birth to a little gookling: extra lumps where He usually does not put lumps, limbs removed to save on weight, faces stirred up all Picasso-like: the creative might of the LORD is on full display among our little monkey-eating cousins of the orient.
This got me thinking about the mysterious field of biotechnology. Now, on the surface biotech sound like exactly the sort of thing we would oppose. Playing God, and all that. But to believe that, you first have to believe that biotech actually works, which it doesn't. I mean, for biotechnology to exist, there were need to be DNA and evolution and all of that nonsense that has been disproven time and time again. You see, what scientists are unwilling to admit is that when they are supposedly "cloning" and "splicing genes" and all that smoke-and-mirrors nonsense, they are actually just praying for God to create stuff. "Please oh LORD, intelligently design another sheep exactly like Dolly here, amen." "Our father who art in heaven, please give me a new pestilence to unleash upon the crops of the sinful, over-charging catholics of Columbia, amen." All those vials and computers and equipment in those labratories is nothing but rented Hollywood sets usually used for low-budget sci-fi films. All the real work of biotechnology is actually done by well-worn knees and the wonder-working power of the LORD.
So, with this in mind, one of the first things I did upon returning to The Homeland was to network with some biotech executives to find out exactly how they pray, which sins they rebuke the loudest, and so on. They at first kept to their cover story of course, doing their whole labcoat egghead routine they practised so much, but I bought them lots of martinis, knowing that eventually some piece of valuable information would slip out. Which scripture you quote to get an improved strain of anthrax to plauge God's enemies, that sort of thing.
One of them (who I believe is Indian: he's brown and talks like he's got his nose plugged all the time) told me that his sister had died in childbirth and that maybe someday women could be genetically engineered to give birth as safely and painlessly as animals do. Now, this confused me, since as a proper Christian he surely knows that God chose to make women suffer and die in childbirth in punishment for Eve tempting Adam in the Garden of Eden. I didn't expect him to be a full-blown biblical scholar, but surely he's read the first few chapters of Genesis, right? I asked him exactly what he was talking about, and he went into a very confusing load of technobabble which I really didn't understand at first. Then, slowly, horribly, it dawned upon me just what is was that he wanted.
HE WAS PRAYING FOR WOMEN TO HAVE BIGGER VAGINAS!
I could hardly believe it! By grace of God I was so stunned I failed to smite him right then and there. Larger vaginas! The horrible things are already far too big! I could imagine some hulking negro with a tree-root between his legs would consider that a good idea, but an Indian? (Come to think of it, Africans have satanically over-endowed penises, while orientals have smaller organs which don't plant seed so much as sprinkle it. But what do our little curry-scented cousins have between their legs? Whose side are they on? If you ask me, any man with more than 4 inches is a natural-born pervert.) Anyway, the last thing good Christian men want to suffer is women with Carlsbad-Canyon sized hellpits under grand-canyon-sized vulvas. The thought of a world groaning under the weight of millions more tons of fishy-smelling, slime-oozing, hair-sprouting pinkness is enough to make a humble slave of the LORD such as myself want to retch! The clean, fresh air of God's creation must not be tained with yet more of the humidity of the Devil's Whirlpool. Having spent an entire year in Africa, I know ever explicit detail of the horrors of over-sized genetalia.
All of my wives have had far too much quicksand under the tumbleweed, even the ones I mail ordered from Russia and the Philipines. Once I get this biotechnology thing figured out, the first thing I'll do is pray for God to shrink down private parts to half their current size. Childbirth won't be that much more painful, because babies with smaller equipment will be more streamlined. And if you die in childbirth, well, blame Eve, she's the one who caused all this trouble in the first place.
Comment