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I saw an article on how Polar Bear habitat is being eroded by Global Warming – well, cry me a river!
Does it not strike those stupid secular scientists that Polar Bears must be under the influence of Satan and cursed by God. And before you say anything, consider that (a) Polar Bears are not all lovely cuddly things, (b) they are 50 Stone of bad tempered teeth, claws and furry death.
I did not come to this conclusion lightly. I was thinking today about how all Polar Bears are left-handed. Now we all know that left-handedness is the sign of the Devil at work. The other hand is Right – and Right is synonymous with Good and Godliness. Also, because God designed the world for right-handed people, anything that isn’t right-handed must be of the Devil or a curse from God.
(I don’t want people writing in at this stage moaning that they are left-handed and should be considered normal. Normal is right-handed, normal means being like the majority, left-handers are weird and abnormal. Left handedness is sinister! If you are left handed and you do write in to say how good this article is, make sure that it isn’t in that horrible, spidery, sloped writing that no one can read.)
I was also thinking about heat loss. (Like all True Christians, I can think about several things at once and believe them all.) Now, secular, “so-called scientists” have eventually started to agree with us Biblical Scientists that black is the color that absorbs heat most efficiently. To Biblical Scientists, this was obvious from the start; black is the color of the Devil, and who else is so associated with heat?
Now, if you think of the Arctic (or Canada, which is the same thing), what do you think of? Cold. So you would think that anything that lives up there would need to maximize its heat intake. Even on a pretty poor day, there will be heat radiating down from the Heavens from which the glaringly white Polar Bear does not benefit.
Of course there will be those who say, “Brother Bathfire, Sir, have you not considered that white causes the Polar Bear to blend into the background and thus creep up on their natural food of Walruses and Eskimos?”
Well, I say, “I wish you would learn to think! If this was such a good idea, why are walruses not white and, being as they are black, would they not think that a black Polar Bear was merely a big Walrus and let it get even closer? Second, what about the Tiger – you think that perhaps that all jungle plants are orange with black stripes?”
There may also be those who would say, “Ah but yes, if the Polar Bear were black, wouldn’t it radiate heat more efficiently?”
And I reply, “I wish you’d live in the real world! First, how many times have you stood next to a woman in a mink coat? Did the heat from the coat make you feel hot? No!
Does the woman become warmer or cooler because she wears a mink coat? My experience is that a woman dressed only in a mink coat is hot – I suspect you know that anyway.” So the outbound radiation theory is up the spout!
Look, I know you are out there – I mean those idiots who are going to tell me that a Polar Bear’s fur is in fact, not white but transparent. I’m going to have to explain that if there were the slightest truth in this,
(i)You would be able to see through Polar Bears
(ii)Polar Bears would change color depending upon their background
(iii)A Polar Bear skin rug would just look like a piece of leather.
And there we have it. Polar Bears are of the Devil.
Thus we should celebrate the destruction of their habitat!
Does it not strike those stupid secular scientists that Polar Bears must be under the influence of Satan and cursed by God. And before you say anything, consider that (a) Polar Bears are not all lovely cuddly things, (b) they are 50 Stone of bad tempered teeth, claws and furry death.
I did not come to this conclusion lightly. I was thinking today about how all Polar Bears are left-handed. Now we all know that left-handedness is the sign of the Devil at work. The other hand is Right – and Right is synonymous with Good and Godliness. Also, because God designed the world for right-handed people, anything that isn’t right-handed must be of the Devil or a curse from God.
(I don’t want people writing in at this stage moaning that they are left-handed and should be considered normal. Normal is right-handed, normal means being like the majority, left-handers are weird and abnormal. Left handedness is sinister! If you are left handed and you do write in to say how good this article is, make sure that it isn’t in that horrible, spidery, sloped writing that no one can read.)
I was also thinking about heat loss. (Like all True Christians, I can think about several things at once and believe them all.) Now, secular, “so-called scientists” have eventually started to agree with us Biblical Scientists that black is the color that absorbs heat most efficiently. To Biblical Scientists, this was obvious from the start; black is the color of the Devil, and who else is so associated with heat?
Now, if you think of the Arctic (or Canada, which is the same thing), what do you think of? Cold. So you would think that anything that lives up there would need to maximize its heat intake. Even on a pretty poor day, there will be heat radiating down from the Heavens from which the glaringly white Polar Bear does not benefit.
Of course there will be those who say, “Brother Bathfire, Sir, have you not considered that white causes the Polar Bear to blend into the background and thus creep up on their natural food of Walruses and Eskimos?”
Well, I say, “I wish you would learn to think! If this was such a good idea, why are walruses not white and, being as they are black, would they not think that a black Polar Bear was merely a big Walrus and let it get even closer? Second, what about the Tiger – you think that perhaps that all jungle plants are orange with black stripes?”
There may also be those who would say, “Ah but yes, if the Polar Bear were black, wouldn’t it radiate heat more efficiently?”
And I reply, “I wish you’d live in the real world! First, how many times have you stood next to a woman in a mink coat? Did the heat from the coat make you feel hot? No!
Does the woman become warmer or cooler because she wears a mink coat? My experience is that a woman dressed only in a mink coat is hot – I suspect you know that anyway.” So the outbound radiation theory is up the spout!
Look, I know you are out there – I mean those idiots who are going to tell me that a Polar Bear’s fur is in fact, not white but transparent. I’m going to have to explain that if there were the slightest truth in this,
(i)You would be able to see through Polar Bears
(ii)Polar Bears would change color depending upon their background
(iii)A Polar Bear skin rug would just look like a piece of leather.
And there we have it. Polar Bears are of the Devil.
- They are white when they should be black,
- They are left-handed, and thus evil.
- They cannot distinguish between a Walrus, an Eskimo and a Christian.
- Their world is being destroyed by heat from the Devil!
Thus we should celebrate the destruction of their habitat!
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