My Pastor’s Message

[BrotherLarry]

Today the pastor of Fig Tree Baptist Church, Rev. Forker, chose to speak on the topic “Should Churches Charge Admission Fees?” He compared our Savior’s death and undying to an admission fee for Glory, with all of us getting in free because of His Generous Gift. I recall the controversy about Joel Osteen charging for the best seats in his church. I think Landover would never stoop to that.

Reverend Forker said to think of our Bibles as the little ticket they give out at theaters. He then said theaters will not let you use the ticket more than once but the tickets passed out on Calvary will always be accepted. The popcorn is outrageous in price at the movies but refreshments in Heaven are always free, with your choice of butter or plain, handed out to us by the angels. He said each day will bring a different movie and it will be better than Star Wars, even Return of the Jedi. I was kind of bored with Jedi but at least it wasn’t annoying like Jar Jar Binks.

Some lady asked if they would show Gone With the Wind at heaven’s celestial cinema but pastor said she was missing the point. Anyway I hope you’re having a great Resurrection Day and that you have your ticket ready for the pearly gates. The show starts soon.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: My Pastor’s Message

Today the pastor of Fig Tree Baptist Church, Rev. Forker,chose to speak on the topic “Should Churches Charge Admission Fees?” He compared our Savior’s death and undying to an admission fee for Glory, with all of us getting in free because of His Generous Gift.

You’d wonder why there were churches if Salvation were free. It is true that Salvation is free but the best road to Salvation is a toll road. Yes. You can go all the way round the bay or, for a few dollars, you can take a bridge across. It’s the American way.

No law says you can’t take out your own teeth, but a few hundred bucks to a dentist will probably give a better result and less painful.

I recall the controversy about Joel Osteen charging for the best seats in his church. I think Landover would never stoop to that.

Nor would we. Landover is clear: your tithes determine your seat.

Reverend Forker said to think of our Bibles as the little ticket they give out at theaters. He then said theaters will not let you use the ticket more than once but the tickets passed out on Calvary will always be accepted.

In which case, they don’t appear to be much like theater tickets. (Does this “Reverend” Forker drink?)

The popcorn is outrageous in price at the movies but refreshments in Heaven are always free, with your choice of butter or plain, handed out to us by the angels. He said each day will bring a different movie and it will be better than Star Wars, even Return of the Jedi. I was kind of bored with Jedi but at least it wasn’t annoying like Jar Jar Binks.

From what we hear of heaven– and, I’ll be frank, the Bible is not much help – Heaven seems to resemble the Middle East from 1700 BC until 100 AD and, as I remember, the Bible is light on popcorn and movies. I think that heaven will be a place in which nobody wants anything more. An atheist I met once said it must be like having a lobotomy. He left before I could reply that “At least I’ll be happy!" – and that is what it’s all about. Being happy.

Some lady asked if they would show Gone With the Wind at heaven’s celestial cinema but pastor said she was missing the point.

In heaven, you’ll just remember every movie you ever saw and your soul can have as many reruns as it wants.

Anyway I hope you’re having a great Resurrection Day and that you have your ticket ready for the pearly gates. The show starts soon.

And a Happy Easter to you too.

[Adam Fag]

Re: My Pastor’s Message

Today the pastor of Fig Tree Baptist Church, Rev. Forker, chose to speak on the topic “Should Churches Charge Admission Fees?” He compared our Savior’s death and undying to an admission fee for Glory, with all of us getting in free because of His Generous Gift. I recall the controversy about Joel Osteen charging for the best seats in his church. I think Landover would never stoop to that.

Reverend Forker said to think of our Bibles as the little ticket they give out at theaters. He then said theaters will not let you use the ticket more than once but the tickets passed out on Calvary will always be accepted. The popcorn is outrageous in price at the movies but refreshments in Heaven are always free, with your choice of butter or plain, handed out to us by the angels. He said each day will bring a different movie and it will be better than Star Wars, even Return of the Jedi. I was kind of bored with Jedi but at least it wasn’t annoying like Jar Jar Binks.

Some lady asked if they would show Gone With the Wind at heaven’s celestial cinema but pastor said she was missing the point. Anyway I hope you’re having a great Resurrection Day and that you have your ticket ready for the pearly gates. The show starts soon.

Gone With The Wind? And no doubt Plan 9? Jaws? Teen Wolf? Or "Jack and Jill" (they're twins) sounds bad, as does "The Fly" so will we get those too?

It sounds like the worst place . . .